milestones

three things i thought would never happen:

1) i finally paid off my car!! my first and only vehicle, i've had this chevy malibu in my life for almost 5 years now. all i can say is - it's about time! :)

2) there was no family drama this past weekend. surreal, i know. perhaps it was a christmas miracle- that's what i'm thinking anyway. there were of course, small annoying moments/things said from certain family members, but irregardless, nothing happened that made me want to cry, scream, or run away. that's definately progress!

3) jesse and i joined a gym last week. also surreal. i've always had an aversion to gyms for several reasons. a) i'm a bit self-conscious and don't want people looking at me. b) i think it's dumb to pay for something that should be free. c) i don't like running on treadmills. and d) most of the activity laden stuff i enjoy is outdoorsy. so why did we join, you ask? well, it started off as a 3 month free deal we got as a bonus for moving to a different apartment. and then we decided it would be a better deal to sign up for a year, thus waiving the > $300 fee it would cost just to join, and so now we only have to worry about the monthly payments (which won't be a huge deal now per accomplishment #1). and, i'm actually feeling good about this decision. we both need to be more active and get in shape, and i'm sick of us complaining to one another about it. and, per the reasons listed above, a)who cares, we're all there for the same reason. b)maybe paying for it will be more of a motivation to exercise on a regular basis. c) they offer free classes that i will love like zumba (a latin dance class) and d) they have a pool, (and also offer a water aerobics class) so i can get my summertime fix in the winter.

so hopefully all of the above will make my days become happier, have less back pain, become less insomniatic (yep- i decided thats a word), and overall, make me feel like i'm acheiving something. small milestones in a life, but milestones none the less.

it's almost Christmas

Christmastime this year has been different for me. in some ways, good, in others, not so much. usually i'm in the christmas spirit the 1st week of december. meaning- i'm ready to decorate, give & get presents, listen to & sing christmas music, etc.

but this year was different, for several reasons.

1) we moved- and un-packing was top priority
2) i started a new job. and it's good, but still leaves my mind focused elsewhere.
3) certain family issues, that, while i don't need to go on about in detail, (reference last blog post if you will for further vagueness) left me feeling completely empty and void of any holiday cheer for quite awhile.

a couple weeks ago, i was feeling so pained i didn't even want to celebrate christmas. i didn't have the "Christmasy hope" that i usually do, that everything would be all right. certain issues resurfaced this thanksgiving and for awhile i just wanted to cut myself off from certain relationships.

but i didn't.

it helped once i put my christmas tree up. and shopping for & wrapping my presents. and thankfully bit by bit, my mood turned around. i can't say as much for the certain circumstance, or how things will all play out this weekend, but at least i've been able to be somewhat jolly in the meantime.

and for now, these are the 3 life conclusions i've come to:

1) being fully unpacked and being settled are rarely the same thing. the former definately helps with the latter, but it's mostly a matter of - am i at peace here?
2)sometimes people suck. and sometimes i just have to be the bigger person. even if that means not addressing the situation all the time. people need time to heal- including myself.
3)nothing can change my mind when it comes to celebrating the birth of the Savior and the coming of Santa Claus. i don't care what anyone else says. christmas should be about wanting to give back to the people who love you and that you love the most. sometimes it's easier said than done, but i will never stop celebrating this holiday.

how do you know?

where's the line between being amiable, and being apathetic?

how do you know when something is a big problem, or whether you just care too much?

when is it time to sweep things under the rug, or time to let the shit hit the fan?

and when the shit does hit the fan, how do you manage to clean things up?

and if you do manage to clean things up, will there always be a stain to remind you of the truth?

how do you know what is right, or what is easy?

how do you know whether to let it go, or cling to something so tightly that you eventually give up waiting for things to change?

and how do you know whether you've become at peace with something, or whether you're just in denial?

tell me...how do you know?

some things you (the reader) may not know about me (the writer)

my favorite necklace= an owl pendant attached to a long silver chain. the owl's belly is also a clock.

i sometimes wish i lived in the 80's. not because of the crazy fashion and music, but because people wouldn't be so addicted to technology. even when we get internet @ home again, it will never be my life. nor will acquiring the latest small gadgets. my phone allows me to call/text people and take pictures. thats all i need. and i was annoyed when they came out with blu-ray. just more money to spend on replacing the dvd's you bought to replace your vhs'. (and speaking of vhs- i still have mine.)

i really enjoy the concept of flying. for instance- this year, my christmas tree will have both bird & butterfly ornaments.

i really don't mind eating by myself in a public place. it's obviously not my first choice, but i've done it millions of times.

i hate using public restrooms. not because of the usual dirtyness, but because i have a complex with other people hearing me go. if my wedding day ever comes, i won't have a personal assistant to do the lifting of the dress. i'll probably just hold it all day. but i am starting to get over it the older i get. (related antecdote: when i was a kid and we went shopping out of town, my mom would always make my sister & i pee before we went to all the stores. which wasn't a bad idea, considering she was toting around kids for several hours. but this was a big deal for me. it usually ended up with her waiting 30 mintues while i tried with no avail. and then us getting in an argument about it.)

shoes i wish i would've gotten a 2nd pair of: my tan, suede leather loafer-moccasins. i've almost worn them out and they go with me everywhere, every season.

i don't understand people who don't like Panera. its like my favorite non-fast food, fast food place. it's always yummy and its quality food. their breakfast egg souffles are to die for. in fact, i wish i had one right now!

i don't really believe in astrology, but i have to say, i am a pretty stereotypical gemini. always contradicting myself, i live in two worlds. for example, one part of me wants to be wealthy and go shopping every weekend. the other part of me wants to sell all my belongings and move to a third world country. so finding balance, and appearing balanced is a big deal to me.

addendum to the last statement: i also have struggled since i was a small girl, between being utterly unique and fitting in all at the same time. it's probably my biggest complex- to appear different and yet relatable. which is probably why i was always "that wierd girl with the cute top".

miracle whip or mayonaise? definately mayo.

coke or pepsi? definately pepsi. but i don't hate coke, either.

some of my favorite things to eat together:
-cottage cheese & cashews
-ruffled chips and party dip
-wheat thins & red pepper hummus
-triscuits & laughing cow cheese
-popcorn with m&ms
-tuna with hardboiled egg & cucumbers (its better than it sounds!)

the song "bullfrogs & butterflies" has been in my head for a week now. i don't know why.

i embarrassingly tend to go for things that are less challeging and/or time consuming, because then i can easily succeed. (e.g.- i may buy a magazine instead of a book even though i love reading, or i may apply for jobs that i'm overqualified for because then i can be the best employee) it's a sad truth i had to admit to myself.

favorite vegetable- its a tie between red pepper and spinach. so i usually end up combining the two.

favorite type of ice cream- honestly? get me an original chocolate frosty from Wendy's and i'm good to go. i don't really need all the add ins. if i want a candy bar, i'll go buy a candy bar.

my latest purchase(not including food): a red Swingline staper online. $15 with shipping & handling. long story short- i needed a good stapler, and couldn't resist being Milton. (from Office Space)

i like animals more than people. its really true. when i'm watching a movie and an animal dies, there's 100% chance i'll be depressed for days. when a person dies, its about 50/50 that i'll even cry. but don't worrry, as far as movies go i'd still rather watch one with an all person cast. i'm not huge on the whole "animals talking" thing.

i love organzing & redecorating.

most people complain about mondays when working a full time job monday-friday. i'm here to say monday's are not evil. its really thursdays that are satan's spawn. it's the day of the week when i'm ready for the weekend, but its not here yet, and neither is payday. thursdays are for me, the jinx day, where everything goes wrong. i don't even know how it started, but i really feel like thursdays are cursed sometimes.

sometimes, randomly, i make up songs. words and music. but i rarely write them down. and sometimes, i choreograph dances in my head. it's true.

right now i'm: writing this blog post at work. intermittently working and eating my breakfast which today consists of animal crackers and no sugar added, strawberry flavored applesauce. apparently i'm 5 years old.

some things i've re-learned about myself

i will never stop developing crushes, no matter how old i get, or how serious of a romantic relationship i'm already in. and thats okay.

it doesn't matter where i work at any point in my life. it will never change who i am. it may temporarily change my eating habits, optimism levels, and the amount of pain i'm in, but @ the end of the day i will still be this empathetic, compassionate person who deeply cares for other people.

lean cuisine meals are actually good sometimes. and mt dew will always be there for me.

i still hate cold and hope to live in a warmer climate someday.

the thought of moving will always be a bittersweet concept to me. (and truth be told, i will miss it just being me & the boy this next year)

money doesn't buy happiness. but it sure does point you in that direction ;)

and sometimes there's nothing better than eating Jimmy Johns and watching the Simpsons with my boyfriend. its the little things, you know?

its been a week or so

the 5 things i miss the most about being unemployed so far:

1) the ability to take a nap whenever i want, but not needing to take a nap because i was getting enough sleep at night

2)always having a clean house, and eating healthier on a regular basis. (now its back to, "hmmm...what can i put in the oven that will take no longer than 20 minutes because i only have 4 hours before i have to go to bed & my time is too precious to make a good meal?)

3) no office politics, driving in rush hour traffic, or walking around in the cold

4) not worrying about having to make new friends when they usually only last as long as the job does

5) no morning sickness (no i'm not pregnant- but this is what i refer to my morning allergies, nasuea, backaches, & stress induced heartburn as that normally don't occur when i'm happy & not working somewhere i don't really want to work at)

if only i would've gotten that chiropractor's assistant job....sigh.....at least i'll have money around christmas time.

just some tidbits

i am officially a working woman as of tomorrow. so i thought i'd take some time to go to the library once more this week & check my email before things get super hectic in my life. i wasn't planning on blogging, but again, i thought i'd do it before i feel like i don't have time to do it with moving and everything else. but i'm timing myself, cause i know i can be a bit windy; i will only take 5 more minutes to write now that my time is precious again and i still have to go get some groceries afterwards. so here goes :

*as previously mentioned, tomorrow i start my new job. its downtown, which means a nasty commute facing into the sun both ways and dealing with the horrible rush hour traffic. (its really better to go west in the morning and east in the evening.) so i keep reminding myself how much i'll be making - though only temporarily so - and that makes me feel a little bit better about the job itself. keep an open mind sarah, keep an open mind. it probably won't be horrible.

*yay for daylight savings time. even though i think this is the stupidest thing ever, i can't say i really hate "falling back." especially when i'll have to get used to a new sleep schedule.

*i really hope that after this election they won't change the whole gay marriage in iowa thing. you made it legal iowa. so for those of you politicians that oppose the idea try to sit on your thumbs because its time to get over it. i know too many people who are in same sex relationships, or are of the homo/bi-sexual nature to not let this bother me. really. who are they hurting? and thats just the tip of the iceburg for me....

but its officially been 5 minutes. so now i will sit on my thumbs for awhile and hope that this week only brings good things.

jesse + moving = a good time

i love my boyfriend. but my boyfriend doesn't know how to pack. he also doesn't see the importance of packing until the night before (something i grew out of after college), or the importance of cleaning.....ever.

so in my last few days as an unemployed woman with abundant free time i "offered" (aka demanded) that he let me help him. so after four years of living together, forbidden to touch his sacred (aka dirty, unorganized) shelf, i finally got my hands on it. talk about yet another way for a girl such as myself to get off. i dusted, i categorized, i threw away-with permission- those things that i didn't understand why he was keeping. shelf after shelf i made things better and then finally made my way to the bottom shelf where the mystery box was sitting. this mystery box had been plaguing me for the last 4 years...what was i about to find?

after dismissing the pile of junk on top of the box, and dusting what had been sitting there, stirring up my allergies for the past forever, i opened this box first to find multi-colored christmas lights. and they worked!! this made me happy, realizing that after we move in to our new apartment it will then be time to decorate for christmas! and now that we will have a stairwell, what better place to put the pretty lights? but my giddyness wouldn't last long, for in the same box that held the glorious lights were old packs of gum, 10 batteries strewn about not labeled good or bad, old papers, his graduation cap, many other miscellaneous items, and, last but not least: 4 old mouse traps. and at least one had been previously used with its tell tale stains in about the right area the rat's head would have been smashed.

disgusting right? these are some of the many things that were put in the garbage last week after my thorough....i want to say...."investigation"? i think i washed my hands raw and went through about an entire box of tissues after this excavation of dust and crap. and to be completely honest- it was so much fun!

not only did we find old memorabilia of his, and some old notes from me here and and the playwright to Monty Python's "Spamalot" there, we also found an old Cristmas card from Jesse's little sister Rebecca that was entitled, "The Store of Christmise." it was awesome. i read the "christmise store" outloud phonetcially and by the end we were laughing so hard we were crying.

and on top of that, my favorite thing about the physical process of moving so far? the fact that jesse has enough stuffed animals to fit into a 3x3x3 foot box. yep- its true ;)

some thoughts i've been thinking lately

if you're supposed to be quiet in the library, how is it everytime i'm there, that there is a very loud crying child? its annoying.


i think top hats should come back in style...but this time for women. i would totally rock the top hat.


do some people dress (white people-lets be clear) like 3rd world refugees on purpose when they go to wal-mart? i mean really. you can afford to buy $200 worth of crap, but you can't afford shampoo or a trip to the laundromat?


thats all.

yuckiness

this week has left much to be desired. first of all, i didn't get the job. long story short, my potential employer didn't end up hiring anyone. she realized as she's just starting her own business that she really can't afford help at this time. to make things even better and worse at the same time, she said i was an "amazing young woman" and would "keep my resume on file" as to "hire me when the time was right". so all in all i wasn't necessarily rejected, but still. i can't seem to win. so back to being a temp i go since no one else will even give me an interview.

also i seem to have contracted a cold this week. which i'm afraid is turning into the flu as when i decided to get some fresh air and do some errands today, i was sweating. in October. with the a/c on in my car. yeah....fever much?

so i'm sick, i still have no employment, and yet, life is still good. why? because of this.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?pid=2893237&fbid=119149606773&op=4&o=global&view=global&subj=110801322&id=507436773


this picture designates my true joy in life, and the final page of my recently finished scrapbook. my most favorite people are here in this picture, this memory. and in my opinion, knowing that kind of happiness exists, is all i need right now to get me through the yuckiness

when september ends (part 2)

i can't believe today is a new month- its already october. it's officially fall.

and per my last post, i thought i would update my "to do" list that was supposed to be checked off by today.

1) regarding "i want to know if i'm moving or not"
and the answer is - drumroll please - yes! its official- we are moving mid November, which gives me a month and a half to pack. which seems like plenty of time, but in reality, its not much. so I have obtained a few boxes and am starting little by little. the things i'm most excited about?:
-living in a bigger place that will eventually be just ours (me & the boy's)
-not having to deal with flooding issues any more
-living in a loft space where sunlight just floods in and perhaps my plants won't keep dying
-having a 3rd floor porch (aka- not having leaves and gunk and mowed grass come in all year long no matter how much i try to keep it clean)

2) regarding "i want to have my entire apartment organized"
okay so i think that was probably the most "lofty" (haha- pun intended) goal on the list. its one of those "slowly but surely"/"rome wasn't built in a day" kind of cliches. but now knowing that moving is inevitable, its definately a motivation to organize and declutter til i drop. my 3rd party friend & i have already made lists of what to bring/store/goodwill for at least the kitchen area. so thats one room down. not to mention i've been drawing diagrams, buying containers, and spray-painting shelves to help decorate/organize our new space.

3) regarding "i want to be done with scrapbook #1 for myself"
i just finished the scrapbook yesterday so right on time! and if i do say so myself it is quite nice looking. you (my readers) will have to take a look at it next time you're in town. also- bring your scrapbooks/scrap-calendars if you still have them as it would be fun to see other things i made in the past.

4) regarding "i want to be at least halfway through reading my second book for the book club i recently joined"
this is where i'm lacking the most motivation- especially now that it doesn't seem like a huge priority compared to packing. that, and the book itself seems a little hard for me to get into, at least, the one last month was much more interesting to me. but i still have 20 days to finish.....its possible right?

5) regarding "i want to have a job"
still no news. i thought it was hard for me to make decisions...sigh. and i know the saying goes, not to put all my eggs in one basket, but i am. for good reason. i was called in for a second interview; i have a 50/50 chance of being chosen, as i'm one of the top two candidates. and the best part is, the job is a receptionist/personal assistant type position for a chiropracter whose office is less than a 10 minute commute from my apartment. no more corporate bullshit, no more temporary employment. this is the change i need and the job i want. so more to come on this.

so for now, at least i've got 2 out of 5 figured out. and in the meantime, i guess i just have to learn to be patient.

when september ends...

i want to know if i'm moving or not.

it was recently discussed that jesse & i move into a 3 bedroom with a friend whose lease is also coming up and is having trouble finding another roomate/affordable place to live on her own. we've seen the apt. layout- its way cool. basically the same apt. we have now, but with a spiral staircase leading up to a huge loft area, where, until we could afford to live there by ourselves as a couple, she could have as a quasi-studio area. and all 3 of us would save money. there are some reasons why living together might be scary. but overall i'm super excited at the possibility. the problem is, its not 100% available yet. and it might not be. if it is, i have until november to pack. i want to know asap so i can either start packing/not waste my time either way.

i want to have my entire apartment organized.

regarding the prospect of moving or not moving, and also just to keep myself busy, i have since spring been cleaning & organzing bit by bit. trying to get rid of all the unnecessary junk i've been collecting over the years and size down on items, such as my wardrobe, etc. after a weekend with my parents trying to help them get rid of things, and realizing that they both have trouble with hoarding, i gained even more motivation to clean out my own closet. i do not want to become like that. addicted to stuff, i mean. or so poor in spirit that i associate past ownership of items with money/treasure. its one thing to hold on to cards or small trinkets for sentimental sake, especially when they can fit into a number of shoeboxes. its another thing (in reference to my dad) to keep empty cat food & litter bags in case he needs them for something. its quite another thing to keep old sippy seal lids from when we were little, despite their collection of dust and grime from being in the garage. pretty sure if i have kids someday, they will not get their mouths anywear near those lids. and my mom wouldn't part with several other unecessaries- like a box full of old mini-soaps her aunt collected while growing up. even after we took out 2 of each design for me to make a collage with. again, i do not want to be like that. it doesn't seem like i have a lot of stuff (especially in comparison), but best to start now before its too late and i end up leaving all the work to my kids to have to deal with. and then make them feel guilty pre-mordem for talking about giving to goodwill then what should be garbage now.

i want to be done with scrapbook #1 for myself.

pretty self explanatory. i'm over halfway done and i have a tendency to not finish what i started when it comes to crafty projects, especially when they're for myself. it doesn't always carry the proper motivation because, hey i don't plan on going anywhere. but i've recently come up with a self-resolution: to finish what i start and follow through on things i say i'm going to do. which doesn't necessarily mean i'm planning on overextending myself, just to think before i speak. whether it be cooking a meal i planned instead of eating out, or finishing this project before starting another. for a girl who has ADD tendencies, and lots of great ideas that often fall through one way or another i think all i need is a little self-guidance. i think it will help me to realize that yes, i'm just one person, but hopefully that i'm still worth it.

i want to be at least halfway through reading my second book for the book club i recently joined.

yes, i joined a book club. nerdy? yes. awesome? most definately! and the book for October is twice the length as was this month...that i didn't finish, even though i was close! so again, deja vu about the whole finishing what i started phenomenon.

i want to have a job.

again, pretty self explanatory. still waiting to hear back on my last interview which was the only interview for a real, non-temp job i've had all summer long. and the job is so ideal and perfect for me, waiting is the hardest part. i just don't want to go back to dealing with a temp. agency and all the instability that goes with. i really, really need this.

ode to summer days

i can't believe it will be September in just 2 more days. its amazing to me how it flew by so fast, even though i had all this "free" time, not working and all.

i could say this was the summer of being poor and depressed, and having my PapPap diagnosed with a very rare disease. but even though these huge things are like dark clouds on my life, that doesn't mean that the sun didn't come out for me to enjoy on occasion. so in order to recognize this summer as a good one despite my other inclinations, i decided to make a list of all the good things that have happened since the end of May:

*having a super fabulous 27th birthday party eating @ the Cheesecake Factory and seeing Sex & the City 2

*seeing my far away friend that lives in Alaska and having a 2nd birthday shindig for both of us....including the same restaurant & movie because they were that good ;)

*making new friends at the infamous one and 1/2 week long job assignment- it was the best working experience i've ever had. hence the phrase short and sweet.

*spending 2 whole weekends with my sister- making up for lost time and re-getting to know each other

*receiving an unexpected email from a long lost friend, whom i had a falling out with. a sign that all things forgotten are not always lost...or all things lost are not always forgotten.

*having fun in the sun with jesse's family, when his dad took us and his little sister to the local aquatic center

*making the yearly trip to Valley Junction farmer's market with my friend and eating gormet cupcakes

*having a "staycation" with Jesse @ Gray's Lake when we were supposed to be in Colorado

*going to my very first I-Cubs game for free, all due to my bff in Des Moines

*making plans with my best friend from high school to catch up & hang out-just us girls. something pleasantly unexpected after people get married and don't live too close.

*starting a new scrapbook, just for me this time. the first out of 7 that i get to keep.


...and i'm sure there are more pleasant memories or things that happened simply because i didn't have other set obligations, job wise. so to invite another cliché into the mix, that is the silver lining to my dark clouds.

sweating never felt so good

today and yesterday i was blessed with an extracurricular activity- walking a friend's dog while she was out of town.

she must have taken pity on me, because about a month ago i designed these "Pet Nanny" fliers, to provide services for people who needed someone to walk their dog, take care of their cat, etc. this was one of my many ideas for extra income, work, fun, and exercise. and unlike almost all my other ideas for entreprenuring (sp?) my skills, i actually followed through on this one. the bad news is that i haven't had any business with the exception of the past two days, and i don't even expect to get paid since i'm doing it more as a favor, after all. but the good news is- i had so much fun doing it! and i even got a pretty good workout without feeling like i was trying too hard.

the dog's name is Guiness, partially after the lager because his coat is dark black and brown, and partially, i'm told, because he should be in the "Guiness Book of World Records" for being the cutest dog around. which, during our walk today, i dicussed with some old ladies we passed on the sidewalk. "we" being me and the designated doggie of course ;)

and the thought came to me, wouldn't it be funny if the world was run by dogs? instead of saying hi or shaking hands, we would greet strangers by sniffing their crotch. we would be more excited to walk outside sniffing greenery than walking around a mall (which i sometimes am anyway, but it mostly depends on the day.) we wouldn't care about watching tv or movies, we would just want to play fetch. we wouldn't need to "get away from it all" with an expensive vacation, we would just want to go for a ride in the car sticking our heads out the window, not caring that it would mess up our hair.

so maybe it wasn't i that was walking Guiness, maybe in turn, it was he that was walking me. and i feel better for it, in many many ways.

just pennies

so here i am, turned down from yet another job, about to go to the store, because the cupboards are getting emptier and emptier.

per the grocery store's daily special, i'm getting prego sauce for 99 cents, a bag of boneless skinless chicken breasts for 3.99, lettuce for 38 cents, & the other essentials; a carton of eggs, half a gallon of milk, and some mozzerella cheese. so if i'm lucky i can keep it under $10.oo.

and with me i'm bringing empty soda cans and a jar of pennies to exchange for cash in their "coinstar" machine. and i'm hoping & praying i can get what i need with just pennies.

make a list, check it twice

i was going through some old notebooks, as i do from time to time (especially now that i have more of it), and found one in particular that sparked my interest.

it was just a small notepad, interspersed with grocery lists, unfinished poems, schedules, the "lists" go on. :) and as i was reading myself to sleep with my random past, i came upon a few headers that made me chuckle, such as :

*Upcoming Stressors
*Stressors B4 Thanksgiving
*Things that make me want to scream

...all of course, involving senior year exams, thesis work, etc.

but the best out of all of these didn't have a header. this list simply read, top to bottom;

-Fidel Castro/Cuba
-Kids running away
-Person runnng for Mayor
-Road Trip

(Wtf right?)

so i racked my brain trying to come up with some logical reason why i had made a list as random as such. maybe they were wierd dreams i had, or maybe they were possible topics to write about for my fiction class, but even then i can't think of one good reason i would have chosen to write about Fidel Castro. but alas- here i am, doing just that.

stickers

before i could afford/choose my own clothes, shoes, purses, etc., stickers were a form of expressing myself.

this evening as i was leaving wal-mart, i was enchanted; a sentence i never thought i would say. but after picking up the necessary items an unemployed women of my stance needs (e.g. mountain dew and ibprofen) i noticed a female employee at the exit handing out wal-mart logo stickers to small children. and i smiled, remembering my not so far from current obsession with that stationery "must have".

when i was younger stickers were my life. they were worth more than gold. in fact, if i got money for my birthday, or christmas, i would go out and buy more stickers. i had sticker books, containers for stickers, a sticker making machine, the list goes on. i adorned all of my favorite objects with my favorite stickers; there were the adhesives of cats on my phone, self-made stickers on my school supplies, and generally anywhere else i had been you would find glossy prints of cute animals, or flourescently colored shapes to make everything look better. sort of like a non-cryptic note saying "sarah was here."

and sometimes its easy to forget where you come from, and what used to make you happy. its important to remember, and i was glad for the little reminder in an insignificant place, at an insignificant time.

so here's to the small things in life: may they never be out of style.

two things that make my mouth water

Sarah's quiche:

5-6 eggs (minus 1 egg white set aside in small dish)
7.5 ounces of Ricotta cheese (about 1/2 of a regular sized container)
1/2 cup of shredded cheese (i like to use either Italian blend, or chedder & parmesean)
give or take 3 Tbsp. milk (i just have 1%)
1 tsp. flour
~1/4 cup shredded Hormel Natural Choice deli ham lunchmeat
~1/4 cup mushrooms
~1/4 cup chopped french onions
~1/4 cup diced red pepper
(Different meats/vegetables can always be substituted, my personal favorite is spinach, plain & simple!)

I use a store bought pie crust to line the pie/quiche dish- Pilsbury is always good & cheap- and glaze the crust with a egg white/milky mixture. Then I cover the showing crust with foil and bake everything together for about 45 minutes. Yum!




Best Smoothie Ever: (in honor of my recently purchased blender)

1 peach
1 banana
1/2 container fresh rasberries
1/2 small container lowfat vanilla yogurt
1 tsp. ground flax seed
1/2 cup milk (again i use 1%)

I like to first crush 3-4 ice cubes to make it super cool especially during summer. Then add chopped fruit and rest of the ingredients. Again, fruits are always easy to substitute but this tastily gets me out of my strawberry-banana habit ;) tomorrow i'm going to try watermelon and grape! Serves 2- enjoy!


(oh, and for the record, i don't have a recipe book to reference as i created these two delights myself ;)

on the eve of turning 27

tonight was movie night for me & jesse- we decided to watch "The Shawshank Redemption". since i bought this film quite a few years ago, it was on vhs. so we had to snuggle in his room to watch it on his old tv. i had forgotten how much i liked this movie, but for some reason, was in the mood to watch it.

its not the most upbeat flick; despite the happy ending there is a lot of stress and suffering the main character, Andy Dufrain, has to endure. not only is he sentenced for life due to a crime he didn't commit, but he gets raped, beaten innumerable times, and generally treated like shit along with his fellow inmates. however, Andy still rises above it all, ends ups making friends among the guards and doing taxes/books for the warden and others. and of course, ends up escaping through the prison's sewer system to freedom, and justice is given to those who wronged him.

so inspite of all the teeth clenching, and wincing moments throughout, its a feel good movie in the end and there are a lot of laughs along the way. and as i was watching, i got to thinking about some symbolism between the movie, and what i have/am experiencing this time in my life.

in no way do i have the same misfortune of Andy Dufrain, but yet, in the same way he was injustly sentenced, i feel like i am being punished for no reason. i have been "fired" 3 times from temporary jobs in the past 2 1/2 years. not for doing anything "wrong" or "unethical", but simply for my time being up. and the interview i had last week, well, that didn't work out either. so tonight i felt a little bit like Morgan Freeman's character in the movie, Red, as he was rejected year after year for parole. in certain respects to the working world, i feel i have paid my dues. i have been receiving some sort of paycheck- big or small- since i was 13 years old, when i worked as a part time janitor for my family's church. fourteen years later, tedious job after tedious job, i still don't know what i want to be when i "grow up". and on days when i think i do, i don't know how to get there.

there's a section of the Shawshank story, where Red talks about what it means to be institutionalized, after an elderly man is released on parole. Brooks- the former librarian in the prison- commits suicide as a result of having no idea how to exist in the "real world." after 50 years of being placed in an institution, day after day of the same routine, he doesn't fit in in the modern world full of automobiles on every corner, and is too old and arthritic to keep pace at his part time job at the grocery store.

in some ways i feel i have been "institutionalized" as a temp. i've become somewhat dependent on temporary jobs, first starting when i worked summer jobs, or work studies at college, and now because that's the type of employment i've had working with an agency that finds positions for you. and even though i've interviewed numerous times to make these temporary positions permanent, apparently i'm not wanted in that facility. and so because all of this, its not only hard to try and apply for various jobs after so many failures, but also hard to have goals and strive for something big. its my fear of rejection, plain and simple. and even though these failures aren't specifically my fault, its hard not to take it personally time, after time, after time.

tomorrow is my birthday, and i just didn't want to turn 27 without having a plan, either immediate or long term. i didn't want to say i'm unemployed to my friends and family, when they call or write to wish me a happy day.

but who knows, maybe its a good thing that i don't have something to fall back on, some immediate easy way out through my temping agency. maybe its good my figurative book is open and the page is empty. maybe freedom means- like Andy's escape- having to crawl through hundreds of feet of shit before i can reach paradise. and still having hope despite my current situation.

so here's to another year- and may it be the best one yet.

dolphins and sea turtles

is it wierd that i'm more upset about the recent oil spill than i am about losing my job again? and is it even more strange that i'm more sad about the hurt and dying animals in the Gulf area than i was about the terrorist attack on 09/11/2001?

i was doing some reading tonight on a couple different websites as to why this problem hasn't been remedied yet. per Weather.com: "An estimate from a government-led team in May put the leak at between 504,000 gallons to 798,000 gallons a day." and to use one of their easy to relate to graphs- thats enough to fill over 52 olympic sized pools. in one day.

and i guess i just find it ironic that our government as well as other countries, especially in the last 10-20 years, have been obsessed with the oil, the need of oil, and the lack of oil reserves. and of course oil spills happen quite often, but this is by far one of the most devastating one in a long time. people kill people for oil -> oil kills wildlife -> humans once again suffer at the upset of homeostasis. and even though accidents happen, it's just so depressing to me that all of this seemingly could have been avoided. the same article i mentioned above, stated, "So far, 29 dead dolphins and 227 dead sea turtles have been collected within the oil spill area." what did the dolphins and sea turtles ever do to us? i posted the link to a short slide show- only showing just a few scenes of the tradgedy. i liked this particular picture of the 3 clean pelicans next to the 4 dirty ones. it seems so symbolic in the way some people relate to one another, and react to devastation. sometimes we just stand by and watch the suffering, and do nothing. either out of ignorance or apathy, but mostly, because there is really nothing more we can do. http://www.weather.com/outlook/weather-news/news/articles/oil-spilll-animal-slideshow_2010-05-27?page=5

i've always thought it would be quite an experience if i could be apart of the clean up crew-i see those commercials about how purchasing the dish soap "Dawn" will contribute donations to help clean up the animals caught in oil spills. that makes me really wish i could somehow take an all expenses paid trip down to Louisiana to lend a hand. (and on another note- hasn't LA suffered enough lately? they're still recovering from Katrina!)

humans are often the biggest help in times of crisis, but we are also the one biggest threat to our earth. and it saddens me when i feel like it all seems pointless. even the volunteers who are working all non-stop to help, are just redoing the same work day after day until the oil stops leaking. its interesting how in the same pictures i saw of dirty beaches and these clean up crews, i saw people swimming, tanning, putting up their feet and vacationing as normal. and its not that people shouldn't be allowed to have some free time, but honestly, i don't think i could stomach being that apathetic only a few feet away.
http://photos.nola.com/tpphotos/2010/06/dauphin_island_oil_scenes.html

in another article on abc.com regarding the spill, (http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Politics/attorney-general-eric-holder-justice-department-investigate-bp/story?id=10805026&page=2) reporters Brian Winter and Kevin Johnson conclude: " 'They seem to be throwing up their hands,' said Carl Safina, an ecologist and founder of the Blue Ocean Institute, an environmental group. 'It seems like we're ruining the Gulf of Mexico, and there's nothing effective that can be done to stop it.' "

i believe there's still hope. but to anyone in the future who would demeaningly call me a tree hugger, i shake my head at you. i really, really do.

gravity

i believe it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, "what goes up must come down," in relation to matter. if he was still alive today, and an acquaintance of mine, his new law would be regarding emotional physics- "if Sarah goes up, she must come down".

and sometimes a little sooner than i would like.

after a night of pre-birthday fun, i drove home in the dark alone, realizing i wouldn't be able to have fun again for awhile; at least not fun that involved any sort of spending. after a blissful social gathering with my friends, i came home and opened the door of my apartment only to look the unwanted truth in the eye- the truth that was sitting on the couch waiting for my arrival like a parent who's waiting for their teenager past curfew.

because once again, without avail, and all too recently, i am without a job.

there are some silver linings at best,such as an interview already scheduled for next week. but its not completely fixed that i'll get in, and of course the timing couldn't be more awful with summer and summer plans just around the corner.

so i had fun. but then i came home and realized i still had decisions to make. decisions i've been trying to ignore for the past few days. decisions that would make people (and myself) possibly hate me just a little bit.

too bad i can't fly up to space where there isn't any gravity and just float above my problems. too bad i have to stay grounded. because if i don't, it's all the further i'll have to fall.

ode to Sex & the City

to celebrate my upcoming 27th birthday, i decided to have a shin-dig 2 weeks early. this Friday night, a bunch of my girlfriends and i will be dining @ the Cheesecake Factory and seeing the upcoming theatrical release, Sex and the City 2.

5 years ago, i never would have thought i would've enjoyed this series as much as i do. but after seeing the first of the two movies awhile ago, i decided to rent the seasons on DVD. from then on, i watched, and watched, and watched. who knew i would become addicted to the story of these four women? yes their lives are much more glamourous than mine, one facet of the show revolving around Carrie's addiction to Manolo Blahnik shoes. but there are several reasons why i enjoy the show, other than the fashion and extravagant life styles.

first of all- i appreciate the fact that Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, & Samantha are so different from each other, yet they remain close friends for years. so much so that in one of the later seasons they declare each other to be their soulmates. and secondly- i love the fact that Carrie writes a newspaper column. and better yet- about sex and relationships. wouldn't it be great to get paid to just write your opinion on what you've experienced first hand? and not only that, but she comes up with all these insights that have struck a chord with me time and time again.

and so, in my blog-ode to Sex & the City, i have decided to share some of my favorite quotes from the show:


"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”

“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."

“I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women."

"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty."

"Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"

“After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh."

“That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met,you don’t need them anymore.”

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

letter to my sister, upon her college graduation

My dear Sister,

I think we both know the meaning of the phrase "walking in someone else's shoes," both literally and otherwise. I- like you- have a gift for being empathetic, compassionate, and just generally wanting to understand how someone else is feeling. I love that about you, about us, and our family in general.

God knows we've both had our hellish times, sometimes together, sometimes even towards each other, and sometimes at very different times and places. Like those infamous term papers we never thought we'd finish, or that graduation we never thought would come. And yet, here it is. There were some days in college where I didn't think I would make it through that class, or that final, but I did. And you have too. And one day you will look back at these past 5 years and not remember how hard it was. But knowing we could make it through those times, I know we can make it through today, tomorrow and the next day, no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes it may seem easier to relate to one another when we're experiencing some of the same things at the same times; like new relationships, family problems, job crisis, etc. But even if we're too busy to see each other in person, or even talk on the phone, I know you're somewhere out there and totally get me.

There are days when I want to talk to someone and I think to myself, Rachael would understand. There are other times we are on the phone and I am continously suprised that we have so much in common. Maybe this was always the case, and I just never realized it. Of course, in a lot of ways you & I are like night & day, but just like evening and morning, we both share the same world, the same passions.

It must be harder in some ways to grow up as the younger sister; I'm sure you've been told a time or two, "Oh you remind me of Sarah," or "Hey, thats what Sarah did too," and I'm sure it can be annoying. The funny thing is, I haven't always felt like the best role model, sometimes I don't want you to look up to me. And upon your college graduation, in some ways I feel I have failed myself, and you. I haven't acheived certain things I've wanted to by this time in my life, I'm not even using my college degree at the moment. And I don't want that to be the case for you, but I don't even think it will be. You've already done so much, and you don't even have your diploma yet! And in a lot of ways I look up to you, Rachael. In some aspects, you act like the older sister.

Even growing up, when I was all boy-crazy and hanging out with friends, you were getting good grades and making 4-H projects. But it was still nice to know I could walk across the hall and come bother you in your bedroom. Some of my favorite childhood memories with you involve playing dress-up; somehow, I always was the 'princess' and you always were the 'peasant'. And as silly as it all may seem now, I don't want you to live your life just to make everyone else happy. Because you are a princess too-you deserve the best! You are so beautiful and intelligent- you have the world ahead of you. I know that may be a bit cliche, but its true. I only and ever want the best for you, I want you to be happy every day of your life.

I've seen so many good changes in you as you've gotten older, and if I'm to blame for some of them, well then I suppose I'll take that credit. Never forget to be true to yourself, and make yourself happy first. Because if you are full of joy, then the people around you will be too. I've learned this from experience, as I'm sure you have too.

And lastly, I want to say thank you, my dear sister. Thank you for all the times we sang and played piano together. Thank you for sharing crab rangoons and watching shows on IPTV with me. Thank you for always listening. Thank you for once being scared of thunderstorms and spiders. Thank you for letting me win at board games. Thank you for yelling at me at times when I needed it. Thank you for letting me entertain your friends in high school and crashing your birthday parties. Thank you for liking frogs and Barbie dolls. Thank you for being silly with me. Thank you for the Sunday night talks. Thank you for asking me to borrow my green shoes. Thank you for being flexible when I don't know what to do.

I love you Rachael. Thanks for loving me and being my sister. I know it must be a lot of work sometimes, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you, and how proud I am of you for finishing what you started 5 years ago....you are truly amazing, my little sister. Truly amazing.

tangent(itis)

for me, tangents, "soap boxes", etc., can be as common as the infamous cold. they creep up unexpectedly, and sometimes take a week to get over.

today i'm feeling frustrated because of a text message i received. i don't understand how some people who rarely talk to you, aren't afraid to text you out of nowhere and ask you "hey- are you working full time yet?" or "hey, you should apply at this financial institute, or that mortgage company....i heard there's an opening in the foreclosure department, etc.

its not that i don't appreciate their consideration, but seriously, i do have a life outside of work, believe it or not. also, i think its rather condescending for them to dwell on a topic that i didn't even bring up!

in fact, the last time i "talked" to this old work friend, she had sent a text inviting me to her roomate's birthday party. i declined as i would be gone for the weekend, but said it was good to hear from her and asked her how she was. and of course, she replied with, "good, how's your job? are you still a temp? you should apply at this place, etc." and when i replied with, "well, i'm looking into some other options, because i think i want to work with kids again," she replied with "haha, oh sarah..." no joke!!

and she's not the only person who does this. i have another friend- another person i used to work with - who, everytime i hang out or talk with her, she almost always brings up my job situation, whether i do or not, and of course, tells me when and where i should apply. and of course its always the same place, and not only do i have no desire to work there (putting aside the fact that i need a job with good benefits), but i feel so frustrated that somehow i'm being held accountable for my career choices, whether i'm "choosing" or not.

and to give people the benefit of the doubt, it is an easy small talk topic to abridge the gap of "what should i say next?" but i think it bothers me the most when people are just asking to ask, and they don't really care. and maybe i'm being hasty in my judgement, and just feeling animosity towards the real problem- that i am still stuck in a dead end job. but that is all the more reason why i don't always want to talk about it!!!

its one thing when my mom brings it up, and we actually have a productive discussion about such; its one thing, when a close friend sends me emails for job postings that i actually have an interest in. but its quite another when someone who i've kinda lost touch with feels they have the right to offer advice out of nowhere- especially in the form of a deflated text message, and especially when i didn't ask for it.

and maybe these people just want to take the focus off of themselves, or maybe they really do care, but it just seems a bit ironic. heres why: this is the same person who i hugged, consoled, and listened to when her family disowned her for living with a lesbian...the same girl who i comforted and stood by as she was going through a tough divorce and fought for custody of her only son. and the other is a friend who i've sat through many "should she stay with her boyfriend talks", and even left my boyfriend in the middle of lunch on a saturday, to hold her hand while she received threatening calls from her very real international stalker.

so in the scheme of work relationships, these were unexpectedly deep, and it just seems trite and unfair of them to inquire about my life and not offer me any feedback about theirs, especially considering their recent past.

or is it me whose being the unfair one and expecting too much from people? i know i do have that tendency sometimes, and i don't want to be hypocritical, but honestly, this is why its so hard to keep up with certain relationships. its not that i want these particular women to regress or dwell on past hurts, but at the same time, we should be able to talk about more than just work. especially when -to be very blunt- i don't even give a fuck about my job right now. and thats the truth.

why is it so wrong to hug a tree?

i recently had someone at work ask me if i was a tree hugger. he asked me this right after i went on a tangent of how stupid it was for the managers to pass around pieces of paper to everyone on the work floor just to let us know we were having a meeting @ 1:30.

ironically the meeting was about the information sent around on different pieces of paper 2 days before that. and the "meeting" lasted only about 5 minutes. so of course, i in my righteous anger was annoyed that not only did they waste our time, but they wasted their time and several trees, just to be redundant.

just think- all that time, writing up notes in Microsoft Word, printing out 200 copies, cutting the sheets into 2's or 4's to "save resources", and passing out those sheets to each and every one of us probably took twice the time or more it would have just to say, "hey, everyone, team meeting when you're off the phones".

so apparently, because i noticed the stupidity of it all, i am officially a tree hugger. but my question is, why is that a bad thing?

grrrr.

sarah's top ten

movies i want to own:
(some not out yet)

1) Up!
2) The Count of Monte Cristo
3) City of Ember
4) The "Underworld" trilogy
5)I Love You Man
6)Julie & Julia
7)The Beach
8)Say Anything
9)Confessions of a Shopaholic
10) Chocolat


favorite movies:
(other than those above)

1)Ever After
2)Finding Neverland
3)Legends of the Fall
4)The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
5)Lord of the Rings (including the whole trilogy)
6)Cider House Rules
7)Love Actually
8)Across the Universe
9)The Golden Compass
10)Catch and Release


favorite tv shows:
(this is why TV on DVD can be dangerous)

1)Friends
2)Sex and the City
3)Psych
4)Arrested Development
5)What Not to Wear
6)Ruby
7)Its Always Sunny in Philidelphia
8)Clean House
9)How its Made
10)What I Like About You


favorite actors/actresses:
(not including anyone on "Friends")

1)Zoe Deschanel
2)Brad Pitt
3)Leonardo Dicaprio
4)Morgan Freeman
5)Jim Carey
6)Johnny Depp
7)Nicole Kidman
8)Jennifer Garner
9)Gwyneth Paltrow
10)the 2 Kates- Hudson & Winslet


favorite childhood tv shows/movies:

1)Beauty and the Beast
2)Cinderella
3)The Wizard of Oz
4)Full House
5)Boy Meets World
6)Fresh Prince
7)Rigoletto
8)Reading Rainbow
9)Sesame Street
10)The Buttercream Gang


favorite books:
(also while growing up)

1)The Velveteen Rabbit
2)Bridge to Terebithia
3)The Giving Tree
4)The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
5)The Last Silk Dress
6)Sweet Valley Twins & Sweet Valley High
7)The Babysitter's Club books
8)Land of Hope
9)Berestein Bear books
10)Arthur books


favorite bands/musicians:
(note 9 and 10 couldn't be more different genres ;)

1)Imogen Heap
2)Regina Spektor
3)Guster
4)Death Cab for Cutie
5)Alanis Morrisette
6)Coldplay
7)Adele
8)Jack Johnson
9)Seether
10)Enya


favorite places to shop:

1)Old Navy
2)Oldnavy.com
3)Target
4)Gap
5)DSW
6)Pier One
7)World Market
8)Maurices
9)Barnes & Noble/Borders
10)Hy-Vee ;)


favorite restaurants in Des Moines/best place to get... :
(note...#10 is no longer available...so added 1 more)

1)Spaghetti works/...cheap pasta
2)Qudoba/...burritos & lime tortilla chips
3)Noodle Zoo/...salad to die for
4)Cheesecake Factory/....a delicious variety of entrees/desserts
5)Jimmy Johns/...subs via delivery
6)Northern Lights/...orgasmic breadsticks
7)Jason's Deli/...cheap organic lunch
8)Champs/...hamburgers
9)Tasty tacos/...unorthodox tacos with fry bread tortillas
10)Cheddars/...onion rings
11)IHOP/almost anything, especially omletes and pancakes (also has some sentimental value)


favorite smells:

1)freshly cut grass
2)chlorine
3)lilacs
4)laundry fresh out of the dryer
5)Jesse's cologne
6)new plastic
7)old books
8)campfires
9)chocolate cake
10)the chapstick i used to wear in college


and these are just a few of my favorite things...in general and random order:

*the color-coordinated polka dots on the back of granola bar wrappers
*lightning bugs
*my purple blanket
*playing tennis
*when my magazine arrives every month
*pens & stationery
*bubble gum
*animals
*riding in airplanes (usually the destination helps a bit too)
*sitting on my floor and daydreaming
*eating cashews and cottage cheese
*turning my stereo up really loud and dancing in my room
*looking at pictures/being nostalgic
*being barefoot
*infomercials
*cutips
*being in a foreign country
*dresses
*playing super nintendo
*brown paper packages tied up with strings...

...and these are just a few of my favorite things.

tribute

here's to the man i love: i'm so lucky to have a guy,

- who doesn't just drop his brother off @ the airport, but waits until its time to board before leaving

- who gets excited whenever i cook something- anything, but never expects me to

- who kisses me before leaving for work everymorning, even if i'm somewhat unconscious

- who takes out the trash and changes the light bulbs

- who still, after all this time, wants to hold my hand, play with my hair, or just put his hand on my thigh while driving or watching a movie together

- who cuts up raw chicken when i can't handle it

- who lets me pick the restaurant

- who wants me to hang out with my friends, and isn't clingy or controlling

- who bails me out if i can't afford rent this month

- who visits my family with me, despite the infamous and never ending drama

- who always makes me laugh, no matter how shitty of a day I've (or we've) had

- who never wants me go to bed sad

- who is silly and makes inside jokes with me

- who takes me to movies (even some he doesn't always want to see)

- who likes to travel, and plan trips, even if they might not happen until we're retired

- who teases me and makes me the center of his universe

- who knows all the things i hate about my self and disagrees

- who makes breakfast for his siblings

- who doesn't judge me for taking naps or drinking pop

- who likes having pet fish

- who despite all his talk, is good with animals and children

- who's whole face lights up any time he tells a story or memory

- who owns Amelie and Moulin Rouge

- who plays tennis with me when no one else can

- who has a rubber ducky collection

- who always likes my hair, and compliments me unexpectedly on days when i feel fat

- who is smart, witty, and intelligent

and,

who knows me better than anyone else, and still loves me. here's to Jesse, the man who will always have my heart.

being april

Easter and Spring are upon us- tomorrow is Good Friday of which of course i don't get off. why in the world would my job actually let us have a day off?

anyway, starting tomorrow AFTER work- i have to:

-take cans/bottles back to hy-vee and buy ingredients to..
-make a birthday cake for my sister/dad
-clean my apt
-go with jesse to pick his brother up from the airport
-have supper/socialize with said brother
-get up early the next morning to go see jesse's dad and siblings for a day at his house
-leave that evening to go stay the night with my sister (& her husband) @ their house
-wake up early again and go to church
-on the way from church in creston to my parent's house in corning, stop by lenox to see jesse's mom and siblings at her house
-go have Easter dinner at my parents house
-take jesse's brother back to the airport
-go home, take a nap or a pill of some sort
(aka- not have sex)

and hopefully it will be good, but definately too short and fast. i will be visiting 4 peoples' houses in less than 2 days. and because of this, the benefits of families living close together are starting to seem like cons, as we have no excuses to skip out on any of them. and its the 2nd of 3 weekends i will be spending some sort of time with my family.

and on top of all that knowed stress and potential drama, i have to remember what Easter means to me. and wish i could be churching @ Walnut Hills- to see the only pastor i've had and actually respect, give one of his last sermons this year.

upon return of seeing "How to Train Your Dragon"...

...i must admit i was more affected by this 3d Dreamworks film than i thought, and came acrost a favorite quote in an old notebook. i had given this quote to a young girl i worked with at Orchard Place, who loved dragons. it seems i now understand it fully; to think an animated movie and some warm weather would have helped me yet again realize that,


"I was born to catch dragons in their den,
and pick flowers,
To tell tales and laugh away the morning
To drift and dream like a lazy stream
And walk barefoot across sunshine days."

-James Kavanaugh

catch 26

jesse left me alone with his computer for the afternoon, which was very nice. we have separate computers, but mine has problems, or one might say "computer cancer", and i have been in the process of cleaning it out for quite awhile now. hopefully in a year or two i will be able to get a new one since sharing is so hard to do sometimes.

anyway, i decided i needed an afternoon just to myself to use the computer to job hunt, etc. but of course, all i've really accomplished so far is balancing my checkbook, checking my email, and updating my blog.

one of the emails i got was a facebook notification that i had received a message from an old college friend. i read on and apparently it was a mass message sent to tell us about a side business this person had started. she was advertising her own website, and is currently using her writing and photography skills to make and sell creative gifts & projects.

thus the pity party begins. here i am, 26 years old, and have no clue what to do with my life, mostly because i have no financial stability to go out on a limb and try to figure it out. here she is, restoring old photos and making crafts to sell, and here i am, sitting in a cubicle, day in and day out, just trying to make ends meet. and i have been for as long as i can remember.

i'll admit most of this is feeling sorry for myself, but also, literally paying for my past mistakes. i've been in a debt management program for over a year now and its literally sucking the life out of me. any fun i might have, i feel completely guilty about because i feel like i shouldn't be spending money. but at the sometime, i don't want to just "get by", i don't want to be depressed and miserable and just sit at home like a lump.

after all, i go shopping a lot less than i used to on a regular basis, and only when i have extra money to do so with, (e.g. christmas, birthday, income taxes, etc.) i haven't paid to get my hair cut since last july. i never get manicures, or tans, or other unnecessary expenditures, and i haven't eaten out for lunch during the work week for 3 months. i even stopped buying popcorn at the movies, which for me, is a huge sacrifice.

i have made changes in my lifestyle, and even though i like things, i don't spend extravagently. the catch 22 here is, that i am the wisest i've ever been in my life when it comes to budgeting, but i'm suffering the most because i can't just run to grab my credit cards anymore to bail me out. i can only spend what i have. and its good, but it totally sucks.

and even though i have been able to see the tangible difference it has made, the fact that i've only held temporary jobs in the past 3 years and that i've been let go twice in the past 2, has seriously hurt me.

one of the things that bothers me the most is that i'm cutting corners around things that matter- like grocery shopping. yes, there are healthy choices one can make on a budget, but really, it all boils down to the fact that i have to use lots of coupons, buy what's on sale/what i can afford, this week or that.

so why am i spilling the secrets of my life on a blog post? because its all i can think about- 24/7.

i was recently at someone's apt. with a small gathering of people, and was chatting with someone i hadn't seen in awhile. there was the ususal small talk, and i of course, talked about my current job. the fact that i sit in a tiny cubicle with a headset and on the phones all day long. her curt yet polite response, was that she could never work a job where she would have to sit in a cubicle.

and i wasn't offended, but it still hurt. because i used to have the exact same response. back when i was in college, and apparently had the world of opportunities at my doorstep, i never saw myself doing what i'm doing now.

but since the end is not yet in sight, it has to somehow justify the means.

and i know that someday, hopefully soon, and hopefully before i'm 30, i will be out of this mess. and hopefully someday I will be sending a mass email to my friends, telling them about my new business, along with the link to my website. i really, really hope so.

as for now, i'll just keep looking for other jobs and praying i can keep my sanity until someday comes...

there's no place like home

if "home is where the heart is", to add another cliche phrase to the post, then i have to say i felt very at home this weekend.

no more flooding since last time, and i got to see one of my very best friends this weekend that i haven't seen for four months. which doesn't seem like a huge amount of time, but it really is when we used to live in the same city as each other and now are states apart.

it felt so genuinely good and almost relieving to have her in my life again, if only for a couple days. we ate good food, we caught up on life, we went shopping, we took naps on the couch while watching the science channel, we drank too much wine, we sang along to Beauty and the Beast on VHS, we went to church after losing an hour of sleep, we hugged, we said goodbye once again.

and we were friends- in person. and it was so nice. and i feel very grateful.

lyrics of the moment

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me


"Breathe Me" by Sia.


(Very pretty and emotional song, have been listening on repeat all night. I would recommend youtubing it, was going to post a video, but there are so many to choose from...)

seeing

i don't want to jinx anything, but i think we had the first rain of springtime yesterday in Des Moines, Iowa. it wasn't cold enough to turn into snow or ice, and helped wash away some of the ickiness of winter- e.g. sand, salt, dirty ice mounds, etc.

unfortunately, because of the excess water from snow melting and precipitation our apartment flooded again. probably the sixth time we've had flooding problems since we moved in. and while it is stressful and endlessly frustrating, at least i'm not too suprised anymore. we had new neighbors that moved in this week and i actually had a dream a few nights ago that our apt. flooded, albeit for different reasons but you can see how the wet floors we found yesterday wasn't too much of a shock.

and since i'm on the topic of issues with my apartment/building managers, they found our "secret" mini charcoal grill when they were doing inspections last month and we had to get rid of that. but at least we got to have yummy grilled meats and vegetables for one summer.

still, its ironic to me how they can see something as a grill- covered with snow until yesterday- more of a possibly harmful condition than the potential mold and mildew that comes with several floods. i know its easier said than done to replace the entire carpet, and/or to move to a different place. even if we moved up a floor we would probably have to add about $100 bucks to our fixed rent we have right now, and we just can't afford that.

so needless to say, it was kind of a gloomy weekend. i had plans to clean the entire apt. as will have company next weekend, but it all seemed a futile project until we can get this most recent mess all taken care of. i did get some things done, but mostly was just lazy and watched a lot of movies.

tonight i watched At First Sight, with Val Kilmer. in the words of Chandler from the tv show Friends, the movie is a "tutti-frutti love story about a blind guy." i had seen it a couple times before but for some reason was in the mood for a good ole chick flick. and i noticed some things in the movie i hadn't noticed before.

basically, the main character "Virgil", has been blind his whole life and undergoes experimental surgery where he gains his sight back temporarily. the biggest struggle for him is not just seeing, but understanding what he sees, since he has little to no visual memories to relate to. during his "occipital exploration", if you will, he notices graffiti on a van, and thinks its beautiful, and therefore immediately "corrected" by his girlfriend that it is offensive. he also passes homeless people on the street and doesn't understand why its important to ignore them and look away- he just wants to see and take in everything he can!

its amazing to me how much we that are gifted with sight, not only take for granted, but also expect and rely on our eyes to guide us through life. appearances seem to be the most important thing to judge by, at least from the perspective of pop culture. what if, for a day, we saw something, someone, and had no precendented assumptions or beliefs, we didn't see good or bad, ugly or beautiful, fat or skinny, worthy of being our friend or not worthy, we just saw it-them, for what amazing things they can do?

its a nice concept to think about but like replacing the carpet or moving, so much easier said than done. maybe its not our sight that we rely on, but rather, the conditioned reponses we've grown up with that have taught us how to respond to what we see.

sometimes i think, myself included, that we're too sight oriented and forget to look through to the heart of people. just because they're important or powerful, doesn't mean we need to please them. and vice versa. why is it so easy to judge a singer for the way she's dressed, instead of how beautiful her voice is? why is it so easy to point a finger at someone who smokes, when they are an amazing artist? why can't we just see people for who they truly are?

it seems such an ordinary or perhaps, elementary idea to fall back on. but sometimes its good to go back to basics and remember what's really important.

common human decency

aka-gentleness,
being polite,
common courtesy


is this really that hard to come by? most days it seems so.

i would like to get through at least one day where someone doesn't yell at me, cut me off, or without hearing the same things happen to people all around me.

working where i do makes it hard to find an appropriate "personality" for being on the job. i don't want to just read off a script like a robot, but where is the line between being amiable and being professional; between being curt and simply being rude?

it seems a lot of lines are blurred when my job has no challenge except for the intermittent prayers that the next employer i call will "be nice" to me. how sad that that's my biggest worry. but for a job that holds no other joy or fulfillment, i suppose my expectations are low. in someways this can be good because i don't have that far to fall, and the little things are what make my day. but most of the time i find it utterly exhausting that finding common human decency is like finding a needle in a haystack.

and most of the people i call day by day are generally congenial, but as the saying goes, it only takes a few bad apples to ruin the bushel.

and i just want to emphasize how important gentleness is. whether it be speaking softly, walking without shaking the floor, or not slamming your fists on your desk everytime you get angry. my new cubicle neighbor does all of the above without avail, and not only does it make me on edge, but she is also very snobby and impatient to all of the employers we call. thus, creating a bad relationship with them, and therefore its no reason why eventually they are rude to the rest of us who have to call them the next time.

it may all sound like petty worries or concerns, but i miss laughing. because with this type of menial work its good to laugh and sometimes even be apathetic, otherwise the negatives control your life. i don't want that to happen to me but its really hard to be optimistic when i'm sitting next to someone like this.

any suggestions? should i ask to be moved?

the thing i miss the most about my previous job- i could insert headphones and listen to my ipod to help drown out all the unecessaries.

without further ado...

i have officially decided- drum roll please- to see a therapist.

i don't know when this will happen, and i don't know yet how i will pay for it, but it's time. here are some reasons why:

1) i can't be a psych major, and someone who eventually might work (again) in a type of counseling career, who believes that therapy is good and healthy, without trying it at least once myself.

2) i've had a couple friends who've seen a therapist and had a positive experience.

3) i'm sick of trying to deal with my "problems" all by myself, and other relationships suffering as a side effect.

4) i shouldn't have to deal with my "problems" all by myself.


now i realize, reason number 4 might seem a little self-indulgent and utopian in thought, but there's a difference between simply giving up, and realizing one's need of a professional's opinion, objective advice, etc.

i realize no one is perfect, and no one has a perfect family. but after a weekend of what was another reality shock with mine, i've realized once more that these things should not happen, especially when i am not involved by choice, and end up suffering just the same.

so maybe in regards to my previous post, seeing a therapist will help me better analyze and mold the icky things in my life into managable details. except of course, the one where I'm "sick of being poor".

we'll see what happens. i'm kind of excited, kind of nervous. but mostly just ready. really, very ready. and praying that whomever i see will accept payment plans ;)

sick and tired: lets just say it.

i'm sick of this job. the constant hundreds of daily outgoing phone calls. the endless reading off of the "script" of what to say to employers. the lack of freedom and leg room. the fact that the end is not in sight.

i'm sick of calling my friends/boyfriend to complain about my family. and of constantly having to "be the bigger person" when dealing with one or both of my parents. and for having to be the parent in an emotional sense, to have to sheild my mother from reality or help her through it. and for being the sounding wall against her bitterness of ...... all the freaking time.

i'm sick of being overweight. even when i was 50 pounds smaller i was still significantly "bigger" than my friends. i'm sick of having back problems because of it. and that everytime i try a new diet and/or exercise routine, it never lasts and i end up gaining back twice as much as i lost. and being afraid to try something, anything again because it probably won't work. and for my polycistic ovaries and insomnia and depression from time to time that help in fueling this problem. and trying to eat healthy on a regular basis without any results.

i'm sick of explaining to people why i'm not married. and that i have to explain. and that there are so many other important issues in the world-even in my personal life- that need to get figured out before i follow the aforementioned ritual. because when it happens, it shouldn't just be out of ritual.

i'm sick of being poor. of not having enough money to pay my bills and that i literally own nothing. except my dining room table.

i'm sick of winter. and the fact that, although i mostly joke about it, i get depressed every year during this cold weather because of seasonal affective disorder. and pretending that its just all in my head. and thinking that maybe everything will be better if i move to a warmer climate.

i'm sick of being so impatient...with other people and myself. and of chiding myself everytime i do something non-perfect. and for saying "i'm sorry" too often. and for building such high standards for myself and everyone around me.

i'm sick of talking too much and being too honest. and because of that, forming shallow relationships with the new people i meet in mylife. because i'm scared that if we become too close, eventually something will happen and i will lose them, in a sense.

and i'm sick of pretending that all these issues don't still exist in my life. because they do. and almost everyday is a battle of one or more of them.

and i'm tired. tired because i can't sleep....mostly because of one or more of these issues.

and being tired (physically and otherwise) makes it hard to be motivated, and to want to change. because its much easier to just sit here and complain about it.

and so- with all its risks- i will save this memo and publish it on my blog. because, maybe, just maybe, putting it out in cyberspace will hold me somewhat accountable to the things i want to be different in my life. not me....just some things about me.

happy day :)

just another Wednesday. had a headache. went to work. so hot at work i felt like stripping. no work to do at work so felt like leaving.

and guess what? my wish came true and we got off early!!!

this is the first day in a while i've been able to come home when the sun was still shining and sometimes it really makes a difference in my life. and i was so hot from the workplace i walked outside without a coat and i was perfectly comfortable- its in the 30's today, which really feels tropical to me after the below zero temperatures last week- and so i drove home with my windows down! ahhh...so nice.

and then- i came home and my monthly magazine had arrived in the mail- wahoo! this afternoon just kept getting better.

as much as i would like to say i subscribe to Time or National Geographic, i don't. not that i don't enjoy reading intellectual things, but i truly enjoy clothes and fashion. so my magazine of choice is Lucky-the magazine about shopping. i may not participate in every trend, and i definately can't afford it. even if i could, i wouldn't be able to live with myself spending hundreds of dollars on one article of clothing! the main name brand of clothes in my closet is Old Navy, Gap, or Target at best. and i'm not ashamed- i always find the best deals!

and so- with my free time i was thinking if i made my own magazine, what kind of articles i would have in there, and what sort of items i would showcase. truly nerdy, i know. but its a fun idea to toy with. and so here's my amatuer, small quasi-article of the best and worst fashion trends (at least in my opinion, at least right now in my life)

my top 5 favorite fashion looks:
1) crazy colored sneakers- what a better way to jazz up an old t-shirt and jeans? when i listen to the song "new shoes" by Paulo Nutini, this is what i think of. and i'm currently obsessed with getting a pair of affordable KangaROO's- because they exemplify fun and i used to get this brand when i was a little girl. (before my parents had another kid and couldn't afford them ;)

2) jersey cotton skirts- perfect for summer and for just lounging around the house. they're the new "sweatpants" look for me. they are just as or more comfortable, affordable, and always cute, for when you don't want to look like you just got out of bed or are coming back from the gym.

3) off-white vintagy peasant tops - since they come in a variety of styles i have about 4 currently. they go with anything, you can dress them up or down, and they look like you stole them from your mom's high school closet. which i love :)

4) tights- the one thing i used to hate wearing is now considered cool and helps keep me warm in the colder months as i will even wear them under jeans sometimes. not to mention, slight tummy control!

5) gray as a neutral- for the color thats not really a color, its one of my favorites to wear. i like the simplicity of anything gray, but it also can look very classic and is a good substitute for black when you're fair skinned like i am. my coat is gray, and thus in my opinion goes equally well with black and brown, since i don't often like wearing those two colors together.


my least 5 favorite fashion looks:

1) fur, even if its faux- if you're walking around and look like you're accessorizing with the game you just killed, i hope you're in a movie about Native America. i understand the practicality of wearing fur back in the day, or even now in colder climates. but i will never find this attractive. at least i don't plan on ever wearing it!

2) shoulder pads- need i say more? with all the 80's and early 90's fashion trends coming back on the market, i've actually seen one or two modern blazers advertised with shoulder pads intact. vomit reflex inducing. thats all.

3) when people wear sweatshirts and high heels- i wouldn't even call this fashion, but i've seen this crime committed so many times it definately had to make the list. its like- if you're going to wear heels, or any dressy shoe for that matter, whats with the baggy University of Iowa sweatshirt that looks at least 20 years old? maybe its just to keep warm, or maybe their jeans are too long. but i will never understand what is going through people's minds when they put these two things together.

4) a shoe heavier than your foot (think Doc Martins' ish)- they had their place when i was in high school. now they should be gone. at least, i'm over them!

5) embellished "mom" sweaters- now this may be acceptable for your 85 year old grandmother to wear on Christmas, but that's my personal age cut off for this unstobable manufacturing nightmare. i have tried- without avail, i might add- to save my own mother from this catastrophe. if a sweater is embellished on over 30% of the fabric, lights up, or the piece looks like it was made from wrapping paper design, you probably shouldn't be wearing it!


i definately don't consider myself a diva, or the most fashion forward girl around. but this kind of stuff is fun for me. i'm sure i've made some poor style choices before and i know for a fact that my boyfriend and maybe even a girlfriend or two has pinched their nose at one of my pair of shoes here, or a blousy top there.

but the only real thing that matters is if what you're wearing makes you happy! otherwise, just give it to charity and call it a day ;)

feeling guilty/the folly of facebook

i woke up this morning very distraught. despite my usual lack of energy and desire to go to work, i was tossing and turning while worrying what to say to someone.

recently i received an invitation from this someone-a long lost friend- to hang out sometime. and when i say long lost, i mean really, very long. not have we been communicado since we were children. and despite my love of relationships i've found myself wrestling to start this one back up again....for several reasons.

first and foremost- i can barely keep up with my close friends as it is! the older you get, naturally the harder it is because people move, people change, and life just happens. i can't even seem to find the energy to call people who are dear to me, people who i've promised to call and just keep putting it off. and i don't know why but just the same, there's that. so why would i logically want to cross off another day of the week to spend with someone where it seems that the only thing we have in common anymore is the city we live in? i realize that sounds completely selfish and arrogant and unbelivably balsy to be admitting. but its my truth- its how i feel, at least right now.

there are other reasons, of course, why i've been avoiding this person. not only have they tagged me in pictures that i'm not even in, just so they would appear on my facebook profile, but they are constantly trying to chat with me. now, i'm not so much a bitch that i generally ignore people- even people i don't love- but lets just put it this way. if this person were an ex-boyfriend of mine, i would be thoroughly annoyed and feel like i might have a stalker.

now i'm not so full of myself that i think this person is obsessed with me. and normally i would feel like reaching out, and being social. but this particular case of events is exactly the reason i originally rejected the idea of having a personal profile on something like facebook, or myspace, the list goes on.

it used to matter to me how many friends i had. but now, i would rather have deep relationships with a few close friends, rather than hundreds of facebook "friends."

don't get me wrong, the idea of having a portal where i can say "happy birthday", or "get well", or "hi- how've you been" to a relative or friend at the click of a button is awesome! but it doesn't stop there. you have to be constantly updating pictures to show everyone how exciting your life is. and then you have to look at everyone elses' and tag, and comment, and share.

and then some. i've heard of more parents joining facebook in the past couple years to "keep an eye on what their college kid is up too." gotta make sure they're not doing anything naughty or have pictures of alcoholic beverages in their hands! even my dad has joined and everytime he posts a comment towards me, its usually something about Jesus. and i like Jesus- and my dad- but everytime? really?

and then some more. a lot of people view facebook as a mini-blog of sorts. and i'm all about being who you are and have nothing against displaying religious and political beliefs. but have you ever thought about how nothing on facebook is private? maybe that's the whole idea, but there are somepeople who don't understand the "rules", if you will. some people will gossip on their profile's and share that with the world! and if you think about it, for every comment you make or statement you declare- there is at least one person who will be offended, or disagree, or feel jealous. so much so that at times it seems nothing more than a portal back into high school locker rooms.

to be fair, i really don't hate facebook. i actually enjoy the lack of obligation i have with some of my family and friends, now that everyone is all in one easily accessible place. and i love looking at pictures and i enjoy the fact that i have somewhere to put mine incase my camera gets lost or my memory cards explode ;)

its funny to think this tangent- that's really all it is- all came about because i am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. i'm afraid they will be jealous i replied to someone else and not them. because i'm not trying to be immature, but i don't want to make another promise of sorts, that i can't keep. i don't want to say, yeah lets hang out/call me sometime, when i won't follow through. so now i'm left with nothing more than just feeling head over heels guilty for feeling this way, and wishing i didn't care so much.

and the worst part of this whole silly thing is- i wonder who feels the same way about me? i wonder who i am an inconvenience to?

January 3, 2010

its 3 days in to the new year and it already feels weird to type "2010". Its been a decade since the new milennium. (did i spell milennium right?)

anyway, i've noticed a few things about the changing of years in the past few. for one, it always feels like there should be some big, noticeable change all around you. and it never is. it usually comes and goes without notice until you realize, oops- i suppose i should've made at least a couple grandiose resolutions by now. but seeing as i haven't and it's no longer new year's eve, perhaps i should just forget it. and then lent comes a few months later and gives you a second chance to make those infamous self-suggestions if only for a short period of time. and maybe thats why the new year never really feels new. its funny even to think that 10 years ago, some people were freaking out about Y2K -stocking their underground shelters with canned goods and bottled water- and yet those supplies are probably collecting dust to this very day.

people, the american society at the very least, seem to always be craving drama. something to busy themselves, something to look forward to- big or petty. you could break it down person-to-person, or look on us as a whole. we are a society driven by the media, planning events around the newest blockbuster premiere. i was evaluating my conversation to some old friends today, and how i probably asked more than 3 times if they had seen a certain movie. and for some reason i felt ashamed for making that one of the primary topics of conversation. not that i really think anything is wrong with going to the theater, or even being a fanatic about the motion pictures. it was more of a feeling of regret, that i couldn't think of any other "user-friendly" conversation topic to discuss.

i don't really know how my suddenly guilty conscious of being a movie connoisseur ties into the idea of another "new" year, but perhaps what i'm trying to unfold is infact a desire to regress. regress to the days where i couldn't afford to go to movies all the time, much less purchasing a popcorn combo. (because- lets be honest here- i can't even afford it now!) i don't need the extra calories and i think it would do me good to get back to the olden days- the days i blamed my parents and then some for what was only a natural delay of gratification.

maybe i need to read more books and see less movies. maybe i need to clean my closet instead of shopping when i get the urge.

in alot of ways i think i have "self-improved", if you will, over the past couple years. but i guess i'm always seeing so many ways i think i have to change that maybe i'm just too overwhelmed to make a couple handy dandy resolutions.

i don't think its important to have everything, but i always have been somewhat of a closet perfectionist. and i think being "perfect", or at least close to it, means different things to different people. and for me alot of the time, being close to perfect has meant being relevant to the outer world in a way i could never be while i was growing up.

i'm still far from perfection, and definately far from relevance to so many people. but the older i get and the more calendars i hang up the more i realize that less is more, and maybe the past really wasn't so tragic afterall. maybe i should be striving to be more like who i was before i became "better".