feeling guilty/the folly of facebook

i woke up this morning very distraught. despite my usual lack of energy and desire to go to work, i was tossing and turning while worrying what to say to someone.

recently i received an invitation from this someone-a long lost friend- to hang out sometime. and when i say long lost, i mean really, very long. not have we been communicado since we were children. and despite my love of relationships i've found myself wrestling to start this one back up again....for several reasons.

first and foremost- i can barely keep up with my close friends as it is! the older you get, naturally the harder it is because people move, people change, and life just happens. i can't even seem to find the energy to call people who are dear to me, people who i've promised to call and just keep putting it off. and i don't know why but just the same, there's that. so why would i logically want to cross off another day of the week to spend with someone where it seems that the only thing we have in common anymore is the city we live in? i realize that sounds completely selfish and arrogant and unbelivably balsy to be admitting. but its my truth- its how i feel, at least right now.

there are other reasons, of course, why i've been avoiding this person. not only have they tagged me in pictures that i'm not even in, just so they would appear on my facebook profile, but they are constantly trying to chat with me. now, i'm not so much a bitch that i generally ignore people- even people i don't love- but lets just put it this way. if this person were an ex-boyfriend of mine, i would be thoroughly annoyed and feel like i might have a stalker.

now i'm not so full of myself that i think this person is obsessed with me. and normally i would feel like reaching out, and being social. but this particular case of events is exactly the reason i originally rejected the idea of having a personal profile on something like facebook, or myspace, the list goes on.

it used to matter to me how many friends i had. but now, i would rather have deep relationships with a few close friends, rather than hundreds of facebook "friends."

don't get me wrong, the idea of having a portal where i can say "happy birthday", or "get well", or "hi- how've you been" to a relative or friend at the click of a button is awesome! but it doesn't stop there. you have to be constantly updating pictures to show everyone how exciting your life is. and then you have to look at everyone elses' and tag, and comment, and share.

and then some. i've heard of more parents joining facebook in the past couple years to "keep an eye on what their college kid is up too." gotta make sure they're not doing anything naughty or have pictures of alcoholic beverages in their hands! even my dad has joined and everytime he posts a comment towards me, its usually something about Jesus. and i like Jesus- and my dad- but everytime? really?

and then some more. a lot of people view facebook as a mini-blog of sorts. and i'm all about being who you are and have nothing against displaying religious and political beliefs. but have you ever thought about how nothing on facebook is private? maybe that's the whole idea, but there are somepeople who don't understand the "rules", if you will. some people will gossip on their profile's and share that with the world! and if you think about it, for every comment you make or statement you declare- there is at least one person who will be offended, or disagree, or feel jealous. so much so that at times it seems nothing more than a portal back into high school locker rooms.

to be fair, i really don't hate facebook. i actually enjoy the lack of obligation i have with some of my family and friends, now that everyone is all in one easily accessible place. and i love looking at pictures and i enjoy the fact that i have somewhere to put mine incase my camera gets lost or my memory cards explode ;)

its funny to think this tangent- that's really all it is- all came about because i am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. i'm afraid they will be jealous i replied to someone else and not them. because i'm not trying to be immature, but i don't want to make another promise of sorts, that i can't keep. i don't want to say, yeah lets hang out/call me sometime, when i won't follow through. so now i'm left with nothing more than just feeling head over heels guilty for feeling this way, and wishing i didn't care so much.

and the worst part of this whole silly thing is- i wonder who feels the same way about me? i wonder who i am an inconvenience to?