on the eve of turning 27

tonight was movie night for me & jesse- we decided to watch "The Shawshank Redemption". since i bought this film quite a few years ago, it was on vhs. so we had to snuggle in his room to watch it on his old tv. i had forgotten how much i liked this movie, but for some reason, was in the mood to watch it.

its not the most upbeat flick; despite the happy ending there is a lot of stress and suffering the main character, Andy Dufrain, has to endure. not only is he sentenced for life due to a crime he didn't commit, but he gets raped, beaten innumerable times, and generally treated like shit along with his fellow inmates. however, Andy still rises above it all, ends ups making friends among the guards and doing taxes/books for the warden and others. and of course, ends up escaping through the prison's sewer system to freedom, and justice is given to those who wronged him.

so inspite of all the teeth clenching, and wincing moments throughout, its a feel good movie in the end and there are a lot of laughs along the way. and as i was watching, i got to thinking about some symbolism between the movie, and what i have/am experiencing this time in my life.

in no way do i have the same misfortune of Andy Dufrain, but yet, in the same way he was injustly sentenced, i feel like i am being punished for no reason. i have been "fired" 3 times from temporary jobs in the past 2 1/2 years. not for doing anything "wrong" or "unethical", but simply for my time being up. and the interview i had last week, well, that didn't work out either. so tonight i felt a little bit like Morgan Freeman's character in the movie, Red, as he was rejected year after year for parole. in certain respects to the working world, i feel i have paid my dues. i have been receiving some sort of paycheck- big or small- since i was 13 years old, when i worked as a part time janitor for my family's church. fourteen years later, tedious job after tedious job, i still don't know what i want to be when i "grow up". and on days when i think i do, i don't know how to get there.

there's a section of the Shawshank story, where Red talks about what it means to be institutionalized, after an elderly man is released on parole. Brooks- the former librarian in the prison- commits suicide as a result of having no idea how to exist in the "real world." after 50 years of being placed in an institution, day after day of the same routine, he doesn't fit in in the modern world full of automobiles on every corner, and is too old and arthritic to keep pace at his part time job at the grocery store.

in some ways i feel i have been "institutionalized" as a temp. i've become somewhat dependent on temporary jobs, first starting when i worked summer jobs, or work studies at college, and now because that's the type of employment i've had working with an agency that finds positions for you. and even though i've interviewed numerous times to make these temporary positions permanent, apparently i'm not wanted in that facility. and so because all of this, its not only hard to try and apply for various jobs after so many failures, but also hard to have goals and strive for something big. its my fear of rejection, plain and simple. and even though these failures aren't specifically my fault, its hard not to take it personally time, after time, after time.

tomorrow is my birthday, and i just didn't want to turn 27 without having a plan, either immediate or long term. i didn't want to say i'm unemployed to my friends and family, when they call or write to wish me a happy day.

but who knows, maybe its a good thing that i don't have something to fall back on, some immediate easy way out through my temping agency. maybe its good my figurative book is open and the page is empty. maybe freedom means- like Andy's escape- having to crawl through hundreds of feet of shit before i can reach paradise. and still having hope despite my current situation.

so here's to another year- and may it be the best one yet.