sick and tired: lets just say it.

i'm sick of this job. the constant hundreds of daily outgoing phone calls. the endless reading off of the "script" of what to say to employers. the lack of freedom and leg room. the fact that the end is not in sight.

i'm sick of calling my friends/boyfriend to complain about my family. and of constantly having to "be the bigger person" when dealing with one or both of my parents. and for having to be the parent in an emotional sense, to have to sheild my mother from reality or help her through it. and for being the sounding wall against her bitterness of ...... all the freaking time.

i'm sick of being overweight. even when i was 50 pounds smaller i was still significantly "bigger" than my friends. i'm sick of having back problems because of it. and that everytime i try a new diet and/or exercise routine, it never lasts and i end up gaining back twice as much as i lost. and being afraid to try something, anything again because it probably won't work. and for my polycistic ovaries and insomnia and depression from time to time that help in fueling this problem. and trying to eat healthy on a regular basis without any results.

i'm sick of explaining to people why i'm not married. and that i have to explain. and that there are so many other important issues in the world-even in my personal life- that need to get figured out before i follow the aforementioned ritual. because when it happens, it shouldn't just be out of ritual.

i'm sick of being poor. of not having enough money to pay my bills and that i literally own nothing. except my dining room table.

i'm sick of winter. and the fact that, although i mostly joke about it, i get depressed every year during this cold weather because of seasonal affective disorder. and pretending that its just all in my head. and thinking that maybe everything will be better if i move to a warmer climate.

i'm sick of being so impatient...with other people and myself. and of chiding myself everytime i do something non-perfect. and for saying "i'm sorry" too often. and for building such high standards for myself and everyone around me.

i'm sick of talking too much and being too honest. and because of that, forming shallow relationships with the new people i meet in mylife. because i'm scared that if we become too close, eventually something will happen and i will lose them, in a sense.

and i'm sick of pretending that all these issues don't still exist in my life. because they do. and almost everyday is a battle of one or more of them.

and i'm tired. tired because i can't sleep....mostly because of one or more of these issues.

and being tired (physically and otherwise) makes it hard to be motivated, and to want to change. because its much easier to just sit here and complain about it.

and so- with all its risks- i will save this memo and publish it on my blog. because, maybe, just maybe, putting it out in cyberspace will hold me somewhat accountable to the things i want to be different in my life. not me....just some things about me.