January 3, 2010

its 3 days in to the new year and it already feels weird to type "2010". Its been a decade since the new milennium. (did i spell milennium right?)

anyway, i've noticed a few things about the changing of years in the past few. for one, it always feels like there should be some big, noticeable change all around you. and it never is. it usually comes and goes without notice until you realize, oops- i suppose i should've made at least a couple grandiose resolutions by now. but seeing as i haven't and it's no longer new year's eve, perhaps i should just forget it. and then lent comes a few months later and gives you a second chance to make those infamous self-suggestions if only for a short period of time. and maybe thats why the new year never really feels new. its funny even to think that 10 years ago, some people were freaking out about Y2K -stocking their underground shelters with canned goods and bottled water- and yet those supplies are probably collecting dust to this very day.

people, the american society at the very least, seem to always be craving drama. something to busy themselves, something to look forward to- big or petty. you could break it down person-to-person, or look on us as a whole. we are a society driven by the media, planning events around the newest blockbuster premiere. i was evaluating my conversation to some old friends today, and how i probably asked more than 3 times if they had seen a certain movie. and for some reason i felt ashamed for making that one of the primary topics of conversation. not that i really think anything is wrong with going to the theater, or even being a fanatic about the motion pictures. it was more of a feeling of regret, that i couldn't think of any other "user-friendly" conversation topic to discuss.

i don't really know how my suddenly guilty conscious of being a movie connoisseur ties into the idea of another "new" year, but perhaps what i'm trying to unfold is infact a desire to regress. regress to the days where i couldn't afford to go to movies all the time, much less purchasing a popcorn combo. (because- lets be honest here- i can't even afford it now!) i don't need the extra calories and i think it would do me good to get back to the olden days- the days i blamed my parents and then some for what was only a natural delay of gratification.

maybe i need to read more books and see less movies. maybe i need to clean my closet instead of shopping when i get the urge.

in alot of ways i think i have "self-improved", if you will, over the past couple years. but i guess i'm always seeing so many ways i think i have to change that maybe i'm just too overwhelmed to make a couple handy dandy resolutions.

i don't think its important to have everything, but i always have been somewhat of a closet perfectionist. and i think being "perfect", or at least close to it, means different things to different people. and for me alot of the time, being close to perfect has meant being relevant to the outer world in a way i could never be while i was growing up.

i'm still far from perfection, and definately far from relevance to so many people. but the older i get and the more calendars i hang up the more i realize that less is more, and maybe the past really wasn't so tragic afterall. maybe i should be striving to be more like who i was before i became "better".