"a pleasant nightmare"

the title i used is words from the musical intro to a show i really like called "Suburgatory". you should watch it....but that's already getting beside the point.

anyway, the past couple days I've been uber sick. like having to change my pants, sick. it's been awful. and among other things that being sick does to a person, like waking up at an ungodly 5 am, it makes you have wierd dreams. at least, wierder dreams than i normally have.

and this most recent "pleasant nightmare" is one that I have to share before i can go back to sleep.

So, the plan was to meet in the middle, my friend Jimmy and I. He decided to use a couple jet packs to get back to Colorado. I was meeting him in Wyoming. (thinking back now, how is that meeting in the middle since I live in Iowa?) However, I must have used a jet pack too, because I could see what it felt like to descend from the clouds, and get dangerously close to the Rocky Mountain peaks. I tiptoed on treetops and was whisked by the wind almost into a couple lakes. When I finally landed safely in a valley, I spotted my friend. We started hiking in the direction of "home", wherever that was. We were in a bit of a clearing, but saw a passage of trees we had to pass through. Little did we know, lurking behind that passage of trees was a fully grown bengal tiger and female lion. And they sure didn't like the looks of us. So I pretended to be a cub and meowed like a little one, and the tiger kept following us. But soon enough we were out of their territory, unscathed & eventually we were back in surburbia Des Moines, in the 1960's, most likely in someone else's story. Perhaps someone my father's age. Or perhaps we just had traveled in time. After walking around different neighborhoods, all of the cats started following us. Luckily this time it was just domesitic housecats. I don't remember what happens then, but whatever the case, the cats took us back to a crime scene, by a lakeside movie theater. The boy hero had just discovered the homeless kids by the lake were turning into zombies by eating the raw fish. The boy hero had a girl sidekick, (kind of like Jimmy & I, so maybe it was us, in hindsight). But we had to kill all the zombie children. And it was sad, but it had to be done. I was nervous, because there was telltale blood on my white sneakers, so i threw them in the lake with all the bodies. (watching too much Dexter? my conscious mind wonders...) Then, to recover, like any child duo would, we went in to see a movie. The movie turned out to be a concert, which eventually turned out to be a religious gathering of family and college friends. My friend Lindsey was there (as she always is in many a wierd dream) and of course her brother that I've had a dream crush on for years. Before I knew it I was in the basement of the church, making clown faces with old toys and candy on a paper plate, apparently the Sunday School craft of that day, giggling from the attention I was receiving from this man.

and, well, that's the end I guess. maybe that's where my brain decided, okay that's the last straw. everything else up to the imaginary flirting is believable, but then it just gets surreal :)

i hope you enjoyed my dream journey. i haven't had that much imaginary fun since watching "Up!" or "The Lord of the Rings."

oh, and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. hope no one else is sick too!

what i'm thankful for

i so thankful i have a job. a real, good job, even on the bad days. after all, it's the first time in 3 years i haven't gotten "fired" from temporary employment. it's quite nice actually. my brain is starting to realize i don't have to freak out right about now.

i'm grateful for lots of other things as well, like having a boyfriend, who albeit wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning, but it's to kiss me goodbye as he has to work a tertiary split shift on yet another holiday. he tells me he loves me and is thankful for me. happy sigh.

i'm thankful that the weather here has been pretty mild so far. i'm thankful that my carbon emission has been significantly low since march, since i can walk to work. i'm thankful for lots of happy times with family lately. i'm glad for social gatherings, and getting to see people in a different light. i'm glad we have such a nice apartment...one we have to pay more for with a new lease, but one we will enjoy & grow into for the next few years to come. i'm glad i don't work in retail on this "Black Friday". and i'm glad for lots of yummy food and recipies i'm about to eat and try this month. i'm thankful for a hand-me-down christmas tree, and getting time to decorate this weekend. i'm grateful my plants aren't all dying, since i brought them inside this fall. i'm thankful i got to take a nap today. and i'm thankful as always, that i can express myself, whether on this blog journal or elsewhere. it's kind of nice :)

my high school nemesis

in junior high, when i moved to my "hometown" she was best friends with the girl i wanted to be best friends with.

in high school, when all i wanted was a boyfriend, or at least a date for prom, it was her who was in a semi-serious relationship.

in college, she went to Africa. it had been my lifelong dream to go to Africa.

and today, she just announced the birth of her firstborn boy- named Asher. and, indubitably, Asher is the name that my boyfriend & I had decided on a few years ago on for our firstborn boy, partially because it was so unusual.

now granted, i am not pregnant, nor will i be for the forseeable future. however, after this news, i only have one comment:

are you freaking kidding me right now?!?!

after 100 posts, someone dies

okay i just read my title and that sounds really cheesy, like some one-liner from a horror movie. and because of what i'm about to say, it sounds really tacky and insensitive. but it's the truth.

because this is my 100th blog post. and because yesterday, Jesse's grandmother passed away. as sad as it was to hear, it was also something that had been expected after several years of health problems. and to make a long story short, she was given 2 weeks to live back in May after having a stroke, so when we saw her on our vacation in September, it was a miracle that she was still alive.

it was a short visit, but one i'm so glad we got to make before she passed. for jesse, it's good he got to see her one last time, and for me, well, i'm just glad i got a chance to meet her after 6 years of being with my man.

yesterday was a really sad day. i did a lot of thinking and pondering; about life & death, about what is the right thing to do/say in a situation like this, and mostly, just being grateful it wasn't a member of his immediate family, or one of my loved ones, for that matter.

i guess i should consider myself lucky- i haven't had anyone that close to me die. the closest i had was a great aunt, and an elderly family friend.

jesse, however, has had 2 out of 4 sets of grandparents pass, as well as classmates, and a cousin that was his age died a couple years ago from diabetes. and because he's a guy and i'm your typical emotional girl, i handle these things worse than he does. he suffers silently, while i cry and blog and make resolutions, etc.

the thing is, even though i didn't know his grandparents very well, when i met them they were the personified old man & woman characters from the "Up!" movie... they even had a dog they took outside specifically just to chase squirrels. and they reminded me of what jesse & i might be like at that age...grumpy old man and social old woman who entertains guests despite oxygen tubes running the length of her house. basically, jesse's grandpa is a curmudeon of a man who cared for nothing at all except his lady Lois, and i'm afraid he will crumble now. i'm afraid his own life won't last long after this.

back in September, while eating jimmy johns in their small kitchen and listening to stories of little boy Jesse, i decided i loved them. because love doesn't have to be a grand gesture, or a physical passion, or even something that comes with years of knowing someone. i believe love can be about simply feeling connected to someone, even someone you barely know.

but bad things happen, timely or otherwise. and life, well, life still goes on. but i just thought something should be said. because i guess, somewhat narcissitically, i hope someday someone does the same for me. and also, because when death takes someone i am really close to, i might not have the ability to say something. or eat. or sleep. or even muster up the courage to say goodbye.

but this time, i can. so, goodbye Lois; you were loved and you will be missed. and for whatever it may be worth, you affected me.

i've had it with Brittany

no not the pop star, although the character from Glee i'm talking about did a great rendition of Miss Spears in an episode from Season 2.

but the character Brittany from Glee...i've had it with her. i don't know what the show's writers are thinking but season 3 is making headway and even though i enjoy the show, i find myself very frustrated to say the least that none of the characters have grown up; especially Brittany.

if you haven't seen the show, she takes your stereotype of "ditsy blonde cheerleader" to a whole new level. last year, her fellow Glee-mates had to play along when she believed in Santa. and in the latest episode she believed leprechauns were real and told this new foreign exchange student from Ireland - which she believed to be a leprechaun - that she would give him her "pot of gold" if he granted her 3 wishes.

the first thing about this that bothers me is her sexual life and all these innuendos on what's supposed to be a show for high schoolers. imagine if you will, an 8 year old bisexual. this is who i feel she's portraying with her elementary level of knowledge and her teenage hormones. she's constantly getting in to bed with someone, more often than not her best friend and ball & chain Santana. now, I really dislike Santana's character. to be blunt, she's a flat out bitch. and in my opinion, she only "loves" Brittany because she can control her because Brittany is so dumb.

and getting back to the whole "dumb" issue, this is where i really have the problem. if Brittany were real, she would be a teenager with developmental disabilities, aka special needs. her character makes Sue Sylvester's down syndrome minion Becky look like Albert Einstein.

what i find ironic about the whole thing is that the actress who plays Sue Sylvester's character, has not only become a nationwide symbol of who not to be in the show as well as several commercials, but is also involved in a campaign against offensive slang, such as the saying "that is retarded" or "that is gay", or any other racial slur for that matter. and also on the latest episode, Sue claims one reason she's running for office is to promote more special needs programs in schools because of her mentoree Becky and her deceased sister, who also had down syndrome.

so my question is, how is it not hypocritical of them to believe that, and yet have a girl on the show who is at a 3rd grade level mentally and not in special needs classes or getting the help she needs? and when people do tell Brittany the truth, e.g.- Santa Claus & Leprechauns don't exist, it's out of frustration rather than friendly honesty. and it's continually implied that her character is comic relief. but to me, her lack of mental faculty isn't funny, it's sad. and i'm rather sick of it.

words from Alanis to me, to you, beloved friends

One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived
And I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened
and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I'll know God
And I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries


I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding

Ever expanding

Ever adventurous

And torturous

And never done


One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

brrr

it's getting colder and the days are getting shorter. oh how i dread the coming of winter. but the past few days i've realized there are some really good things about the colder seasons. this past summer i wrote about my favorite things about spring & summer. and now i suppose it's time to be optimistic and do the same about fall & winter :)

here's my top ten:

1) drinking hot tea and cocoa

2) breaking out all of my sweaters & long sleeved tees

3) early evening naps

4) the changing of leaves

5) lots of holidays & time spent with loved ones

6) (and speaking of holidays...) lots of yummy, homemade food and treats

7) the first snowfall

8) trees glistening like chandeliers after an ice storm

9) more book reading and other indoor activities

10) wrapping presents! i bought my first Christmas present last weekend with a dear friend :)

sushi breakthrough

so, i've never been a big fan of sushi...until today that is! a few weeks ago a "sample man" @ hy-vee was giving samples of edamame and california rolls. i gladly accepted the warm salty soy beans but was hesitant to try the "deli" sushi. but much to my suprise it was SO tasty!

and then, today, i had a strange craving and decided to go to hy-vee and get those yummy california rolls (& a couple crab rangoons of course, so as not to be too healthy) and my lunch was less than $8. Total. Can you believe that? $6 for a 12 pack of california rolls...and they tasted better than any i had tried at the two fancy sushi restaurants i've been to. and i only ate 6 rolls, so it was like 2 meals for the price of one.

granted i'm no conisseur, but all that mattered to me was that my lunch was fresh, satisfied my hunger and yet was still nutritional, and didn't burn a hole in my wallet all at the same time. it was a total breakthrough for me.

lazy weekend

i could polish my toes or tweeze my eyebrows, but all i want to do today is nothing.

i could go through my mail and pay some bills, but all i want to do today is nothing.

i could sweep the kitchen floor or do my laundry, but all i want to do today is nothing.

i could go to the library and check out a new book; i could finish reading the current book i've started. but all i want to do today is, well, nothing.

i could go to the gym and sweat for an hour. i could walk or bike on the trail by my house. but, excercise, really? no thanks. today = nothing.

i could've made something beatiful, or tried a new recipie, but all i've done today is absolutely nothing.

i could still post some pictures on facebook, or call up a friend. but alas, i want to do nothing.

i could put on something other than pajamas, but that means i would be doing something.

i could write on my blog about my thoughts on this or that, but then i would be thinking about something.

rather, i'd just as soon do nothing. :)

life is still good

i found out this weekend my mom does NOT have cancer. that made me really, really happy.

i went to church with my parents this morning. and even though i typically do not enjoy myself at this particular church, my eyes started welling up while singing a song about how great God is. i haven't felt that way in a long time. i haven't felt animosity towards God, or Christianity, just mostly ambivilence. and i was reminded again this morning that prayers do get answered, and that there IS so much to be thankful for.

life has been so busy lately. in fact, i've done 14 loads of laundry in 1 week! but now it's done, and i can rest. well....maybe not rest. but be at peace because of it.

and i leave with jesse for our september vacation in 2 days. it will be a short one, but it is so needed. a road trip, some good music and good company to boot. i even checked the weather forcast and it's supposed to be in the upper 70's all next week! i know that could change, and there's always possible car issues or road construction. but whatever happens, it will be okay. because it's time to get away. and after having 2 busy weekends as well, this and last weekend that is, hopefully i will be ready to be home for awhile when vacation is over.

to Alaina-

my blogger isn't letting me post comments and i don't know why! but this is what i was trying to say in response to your last comment:

i love you too! your face (& Kennan's) is on my fridge, so it seems like you're not to far away :)

september so far:

- we've gotten one of our receptionists back at work since she had her baby. she is less hormonal, although still quite bossy.

- i got yelled at by a doctor at work today.

- i have 5 days left on my antibiotics for my ear infection, which doesn't really feel like it is healing.

-this friday, my mom will undergo minor surgery. she is having an invasive needle biopsy for "supiscious matter" in her breasts. i'm in denial that anything is wrong, but still worried, i have to admit.

- starting tomorrow, we start celebrating with Jesse's family...his little sister is 6 months pregnant with a baby girl that i can spoil with Hello Kitty stuff. and this weekend his little brother gets married.

- my maternal grandma was just diagnosed with stage 1 of Alzheimer's/Dimentia. i'm also in denial about this. but if it's true, this will be the 3rd person in my family so far to contract this horrible, horrible disease. also if it's true, i pray that she will be put out of her misery before it gets to the point where she can't bathe herself or remember who her family is.

- my vacation starts 2 weeks from today! and i am excited, but also aprehensive. the weekend before, i'm spending with my mother & father. my father has been more horrible than usual to my mother lately. maybe he is just scared of losing her. but i don't want any bad news before my vacation starts- i told my mom this when she came & had lunch with me this weekend. she cried and told me not to have any regrets about life and relationships and started crying about her own mother. it is sad to think that as a 54 year old woman, she still has so many unresolved issues about her past. i suppose it's normal. but she is dealing with a lot right now, and therefore, so am i.

so life is good, but really, really overwhelming lately. i recently read a friend's post about an untimely death of a loved one. i hope, selfishly, that doesn't happen in my own realm of friends and family anytime soon. because again, selfishly, i couldn't deal with that right now.

so to sum up: it's good yesterday was a paid holiday, because i definately needed a day off from life & work. and its really very good i have a week long vacation soon....my first paid vacation in 4 years! so yay for blessings, and prayer for the rest :)

music is my muse

sometimes i forget what a healing tool music can be, and how cathartic it is to just sit (and or dance) to your favorite songs. sometimes i forget what a nice break my musical collection is from the satellite radio station we have to listen to at work that only plays 10 songs, on repeat. sometimes i forget what a great gift a burnt cd can be when you're feeling poor- it's homemade, free, and straight from the heart.

i made my sister a "back 2 school" cd for her second year of teaching. it's nice for her to have something to listen to on the 30 minute commute she has back & forth each day.

also- i revisted some of my favorite "chrisitan" artists that i still keep on my i-pod, such as Jars of Clay, Plumb, and a few others. these particular albums i kept because the poetry is great, and they're musically ept without being too "i only want to have a relationship with Jesus because everyone else is dumb" or "i'll make up a love song but say its for God so it's not too streamlined" kind of lyrics. does that make sense?

anyway. i don't have much else to say except for that i love music. and i miss being in a musical group and using my creativity in that outlet. sometimes i think it's really affected me....in a negative way i mean. once upon a time, playing a instrument (or 2, or singing, etc) used to be my life. it was therapeutic, was something i was talented at, and made me feel good about myself. then in college it became more of a chore and more of a competition and with time it seems i lost my first love. i put my clarinet away. i was no longer good enough to be in choir. and i couldn't seem to make it past advanced intermediate piano lessons because i couldn't manage stacked chords.

so its good to remember what used to make me tick. sometimes i dance, sometimes i sing a long, and sometimes- once in a blue moon now adays- i play. but most of all i just sit, think and listen to music, if just for the sake of listening and being inspired.

do you know me?

have you ever been offended by something really stupid? well last night, i was. i was out with a close friend and some of her family members and we were all trying to decide on a place for supper. we finally ended up going to this greek restaurant in Des Moines' East Village called "Olympic Flame." (sooo delicious, by the way). and on the way to the restaurant twice, yes twice, my friend told me they have stuff like hamburgers and suggested i could order one if i didn't like greek food.

okay first of all, why the hell would i order a hamburger @ a greek restuarant?

second of all, just because i do eat meat, unlike her and her sister, doesn't mean i need it with every meal.

and third of all, i do like greek food and have eaten it before.

i wanted to say to her, " do you really think i'm so uncultured that i can't enjoy something different than the 'all american' food?"

i mean seriously, we've been friends for years, and dining together has been much a part of our friendship. and i don't think i've ever once ordered a freaking hamburger during that time. so naturally, i was quite offended.

but to her credit and my demise, i will admit to a few bad decisions on my part. i hate to admit it, but these are the 5 things i'll regret to say i do eat/drink from time to time.

1) spaghetti-o's and meatballs
2) ICEE drinks
3) hot dogs /corn dogs
4) Mc Donald's breakfast (and ONLY their breakfast)
5) and last but not least, soda

so there it is friends. but we all have our vices, and once in awhile it's okay.

but for the record, my greek dinner last night was amazing.

P.S. i also had eggplant for the first time in my life.

best weekend ever

this was one of those.

Friday night- i shopped for some new things for the apartment, as our 3rd roomate is currently moving out. and then jesse & i went to Old Chicago (Des Moines' best pizza, in my opinion). we each got individual pizzas so i went all out with my food toppings: black olives, feta cheese, spinach, artichoke hearts, and canadian bacon. i decided it was worth the extra dollars since i just had lemon water to drink.

Saturday- we had planned on going camping, but the weather was overcast so we were still hem-hawing about it. so we waited it out, had lunch, went grocery shopping and lo & behold the sun came out! so we made the 2 hour trip to a campground we had never been before because i wanted to try something different, get away from it all, and finally have a chance to use the big cooler i got for my birthday! well, we got there, drove around the lake twice and all we could find was a "road closed" sign. so we were bad and illegally drove around it to find a desolate camping area that was not only closed but looked like a tornado had gone through it! so, after stopping at the nearest town for a chocolate malt, we decided to just go home and camp in our newly empited loft! it was so much fun! we grilled the hot dogs we had brought, played chess, and actually slept in the tent upstairs :) and it ended up being doubly serendipitous, because there were terrible thunderstorms all night!

Today- i was able to cross off about 15 things on my never ending to-do list. i cleaned out my car, my trunk, jesse's trunk (because he had a bunch of my stuff in there), cleaned, organized, and swept the ENTIRE garage, all the while escaping a swarming black hornet :) and after my hard sweaty work, a dip in the pool was just what i needed. after that, leftover old chicago and a couple of my favorite shows. then i was feeling rejuvinated and decided to be more productive; i repotted a couple plants, finally hung up my hummingbird feeder, and cleaned out the hall closet. whew! and i'm not even ready to go to bed.

my synopsis: its amazing to realize again sometimes you don't know what you need until you get it. and apparently what i needed was a whole weekend of no obligations, a freshly emptied apartment (well, partially emptied), and time just to take care of house and home. and it was awesome. now we'll have a 3 bedroom all to ourselves. it will take time, money, and a lot more elbow grease to get it where i want it, but for now, it's nice to have the freedom and the space...apparently enough so to set up a tent!

this time last year i was in an entirely different place- physically and emotionally. it's good to be reminded that good things do happen, all in good time :)

think think think

lately i've been doing a lot of thinking. about why certain things matter so much, and other things that should matter, don't.

today was a rough day. actually, i've had nothing but rough days (at least at work) since we lost 2 receptionists, (at least temporarily), and overtime is not only happening but kind of required. in an already super stressful position, it just becomes overwhelming at times. so much so, that a couple weeks ago when i realized what was happening i had a meltdown at work and cried in front of everybody. it was embarrassing to say the least, but since then i have been more stable and trying to remind myself that whatever happens i still get to go home at the end of the day and be with the one i love. it just sucks that sometimes the one i love has to suffer from my angst and depressive mind sometimes.

he took me on a motorcycle ride tonight. sometimes- that's just what i need; a loud engine and wind blowing through my hair and keeping the rest of the world quiet- blocking out all other senses but the feeling of the man in front of me.

and on the way home tonight, after getting some supper, i realized how silly i am sometimes. why is it, that i can ride on the back of a motorcycle, without a helmet, through city traffic and be completely relaxed? the fact is, if we crashed, i might die. and yet, i'm not worried. but answering the constantly ringing phone at work and not being able to transfer to the appropriate assistant at work? that's stressful enough to make me want to jump off a very tall building! not everyday, but lately, yeah it's true.

its funny to me that being unemployed is sometimes less anxiety ridden than being at a place i can't seem to get rid of. the very place that i praised for being within walking distance of my house, i now fear seeing through my window when at when i am home. because sometimes it's too close.

and then i had an epiphany: it's not that i hate my job, its that i have very little control over what happens. and for some reason i need that control. or at the very least, for people to realize that all of this stress was completely avoidable & unecessary if the managerial staff would've done this, that, etc when they knew the situation at hand. because, its mostly petty stuff that gets my goat and therefore i usually feel guilty and weak that i let it bother me so much.

at least if i'm unemployed, or paralyzed from a motorcycle accident i'll have real problems to complain about. but this? this current petty stuff that's going on? its not worth it. and yet its the little things that add up and up until you find the back breaking straw, if you will.

so through all of this stress, meaningless as it is, i've come up with a few reminders for myself to get me through the very long days:

-when it comes to clients, being assertive is different than being confrontational. and it's very okay to be assertive.

-people usually project their personal problems and let it affect work, so if they yell at me its usually not about me. and if it is about me, don't take it personally because everyone makes mistakes.

-forget i own those dress pants that are too tight. if i'm comfortable, i'm happier. so i bought 2 new pairs of work pants this weekend...on sale :)

-EAT BREAKFAST. just tonight i made fresh orange/pineapple/banana smoothies for tomorrow and thursday morning, since i don't allow time/aren't hungry before i start work.

-also relevant to the last note, don't starve myself throughout the day. even if i think i am too busy to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. its better to just take time to pee and eat something i brought from home, than hold it and just forage from the candy basket. (common sense, i know, but easier said than done in my work environment when you only get 30 minutes of breaktime for a 9 hour day).

-and lastly, don't let work affect my personal relationships. and don't let personal relationships affect work. compartmentalize, if you will. also easier said than done, but it's a must. just tonight i refused to talk to one of my besties because work was too stressful and too exhausting. i know sometimes that happens, but i hate that that, of all things, was my reason.


anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and only one more week before i get my tuesday afternoons off again. (dont be too jealous though, that just means i go back to 40 hours a week instead of 45+. and even that doesn't sound like a lot, but lets just say my sanity is only attainable that way. and so is the gym :) )

i have a confession...

so before i went to bed tonight, i decided to do the usual internet stuff: check my email, check my bank statement, view blogs, & peruse the world of facebook.

well thats where i took a wrong turn. i'll admit it, i was facebook stalking someone. an old crush to be exact. a brother of a close friend i once wrote a secret poem to. now, to be more blatantly honest, he's not even a facebook "friend" of mine, just someone who popped up as a "friend" of this other someone.

but because of his profile picture, i couldn't stop myself.

in that, was literally his profile with hot air balloons in the background. i LOVE hot air balloons. i have an entire photo album dedicated to a day at a balloon festival....and then some.

so then i decided to look at more of his photos, and what was the next one i saw? him playing piano (well a keyboard, actually) with a big red letter "S" in the background!?!?! (um...my first initial for those who didn't catch on right away)

okay, then i started freaking out a bit...internally that is. i thought to myself, "is this supposed to be a sign?"

and as ridiculous of a thought as i knew this was, i couldn't help but wonder... "what if we did become friends in real life? and what if we dated? where would he/i be now? what if we are still supposed to get together in the end?"

after the last question i kind of had to slap myself in the face. what am i doing? the love of my life is sleeping in the next room, and here i am, fantasizing about some guy. some guy who all i really know of promotes freedom for immigrants, spent 2 years in Africa, is a poet/musician.....i mean...can you really blame me? plus, just an fyi, he's really, really attractive!

and then i had an epiphany. like most everything else in life, i can analogize with my favorite tv show- "Friends". (who, i watch(ed) with his younger sister all the time, by the way....)....because as i say, everything relates back to Friends.

anyway, i thought about the episode where in season 2 Ross has to decide between Julie and Rachel. he makes all these con marks against Rachel, and when he gets to Julie's side of the list he can only think of one thing wrong with her, "She's not Rachel."

and there you have it. this guy, who mostly exists in my imagination, looks good, amazing even, on paper. but there's one thing wrong with him....he's not Jesse.

i miss your words!

ode to....well....you're 50% of my audience, so you know who you are :)


ahem:

i have a fellow blogging friend,
but i do not know where she has been

i check her blog at least once a week
has she gotten lost, is she being meek?

i wish for words i cannot write,
and do not want to sound contrite,

but she's left me wanting, high and dry,
i miss her words, thus i sigh.

where are you C? i cry to the night,
i love your antecdotes on the fly,

and i just wanted you to know,
you are great and i love you so.


...and to the other 1 1/2 readers of mine, i love you too.

P.S. if you haven't checked out my other blog yet, you should: Once Upon a Time - sarahstorytime.blogspot.com. it's not quite as developed, and i'm working on a 5 part series (that will probably take 5 months the way it's going) but i think/hope you'll enjoy.

has it really been 10 years?

yesterday was a big day; (other than being a birthday to someone dear to me) it was my 10 year high school reunion. after much deliberation i decided to pay the fee, and drive about 6 hours round trip and just go.

and i'm glad i did. i actually had a lot of fun catching up with people, and jesse' helped me with the driving. and everyone that was present (about 25 of my classmates and their significant others, to be exact), was really very nice to me. except for about one person.

this is the whole irony of the night to me: the first person i saw was my favorite person, my best friend from middle/high school. she & her husband just happened to pull up in the parking lot right after i arrived. the second person i saw, however, was my least favorite person from my middle/high school days in Clarinda. she didn't acknowledge me at all. i tried to acknowledge her, but after my smile didn't break the ice on what can only be described as her meth-induced peakish face, i tried to forget it. and so she went on chain smoking and i went inside.

now, i'm not normally a mean/judgemental person. or at least i try not to be. i try to give people the benefit of the doubt. but this one person who gave me the cold shoulder last night was the same person who trashed my clarinet (literally- threw my clarinet - in case - in a garbage can), stuck gum in the hood of my new coat the first day of 8th grade, and in high school sat behind me in history class and taunted me each day with her nasty comments. one of my friends at the time told her off in front of everyone one day and that was pretty much the end of all her nastyness. but the fact remains, as nice of a person as i was, i still had a bully. and for no apparent reason, other than the fact that she just needed someone to be mean to.

and it's funny to me that after all these years, after all the hugs and handshakes and sincere kindness from all of my classmates except for her, it was once again reaffirmed that it is indeed her problem and not mine.

also- last night was the first night i drank beer from a keg. not that anyone really knew that, except jesse of course, but i thought it was worth mentioning. so if her reason to be mean to me back in the day was because i was too much of a goody two shoes, well, that reason no longer exists.

i would like to think that in 10 years time most people can change, or at the very least, are able to mature a little bit. but not everyone changes for the better. and last night was proof of that.

these are a few of my favorite SPRING/SUMMER things

1) any color packages, tied up with strings or otherwise

2) dip cones (usually chocolate ice cream with chocolate dip :)

3) playing tennis monday's

4) riding on the back of Jesse's motorcycle

5) swimming/sitting by the pool

6) BOATING- from a canoe to a speedboat it's all very, very good ;)

7) Farmer's markets - just went to the Valley Junction one this Thursday!

8) sitting on my porch while birdwatching (and plant watching- haha)

9) crazy colored toenail polish

10) Grilling! (and just generally eating outside)

something that made me smile

so...it was about 4:30 or so when my phone rang today. guess who was calling me? my old & infamous temporary employment agency. so, i decided to let it go to voicemail. in a minute or two i listened and this is basically word for word what the message said,

"hi- its 'Torrie' from PG. We haven't been in touch for awhile and I was calling to see if you were interested in an ssignment that starts immediately. well, tomorrow actually..."

yep. so just to clarify, not only did they not specify what kind of assignment it was or where it was, but they called at the end of a business day which gives me little to no time to get back to them for something i need to be ready in less than 24 hours for. and not that any of that shady business tactic is a suprise coming from them, but it is just one more reminder to be happy & grateful i don't have to deal with all that bs anymore.

also, for the record, if i hadn't found a job, that would've been 6 months without any contact or work from them. (which, fyi, is one month longer than this summer/fall when i was really desperate.)

so good riddance, right? i'll have to call them tomorrow @ 4:59 and tell them that. via voicemail of course. :)

the 28 year old pink gingham blanket says:

"Sarah Anne Mullin

8 lbs 2 ounces

June 9, 1983

2:36 am"


Happy Birthday to me :)

thoughts on being gay

sometimes i wake up early in the morning and have all these thoughts swirling around in my head, usually an effect of all the crazy dreams i had. and then, i have a desire to write all of these thoughts down.

homosexuality is a topic i've avoided on my blog. while i've dipped my toes in other controversial subjects, this seems to be the one that is the most, after all these years of progress. and what i have to say on the matter, i'm afraid, might just offend both sides, liberal and conservative. but here i go...

my earliest thought on being gay: as a child in an ultra religious upbringing i was told more than once that "being gay" was the "unforgivable sin" per my religious leaders, because of the biblical destruction of soddom and gomorrah. no, they weren't there to witness it, but that's what they had deduced must be the reason why two cities were so immoral. i'm sure it had nothing to do with murder, domestic abuse, child and/or animal molestation, or torture, right? also, i'm sure the fire and brimstone was a complete and total "God" thing as opposed to the cities being geographically close to the earth's tetonic plates?? (note my sarcasm here cause i'm laying it on pretty thick) anyway, i'm no theologian, but that's my 2 cents on that.

going back to growing up: i was pretty indifferent or just unaware of homosexuality because it wasn't presented in the media as it has been in the past 5-10 years. there was no "token gay guy" on tv sitcoms, no show called "queer eye for the straight guy"...nothing. or at least, nothing in my world except for a few relatives who made it apparent because they had a "partner." one of these relatives came to stay at our house when i was about 12, maybe 13 years old. he was HIV positive (and for the record, luckily does not have AIDS, to this day). one day i had to use the bathroom right after him and my junior high aged brain thought it might be possible to contract that disease because we used the same toilet seat! how sad is that?

in high school: i had an outright argument with my spanish teacher that "being gay" was just that: a way of living, a way of being. i viewed homosexuality as a choice, not a characteristic one is born with. i think this may have been after she read the class an article on a student that was beat to death because he was "different". you know what her last words to me were? "if being gay were a choice, why would someone choose to be tortured?"

next "thoughts on being gay" experience: i was 21, working at a Lutheran church camp that summer. the subject came up, and i offered, to the girls in my cabin, my only previous knowledge/viewpoint on the subject; being gay was a sin. i didn't believe that it was "unforgivable", but i still believed that lifestyle was dirty and wrong, and also so "rare" that there was probably 10 homosexuals in the entire US. how silly of me. how ignorant. and boy did i get reamed on that day at camp, not only by my best friend/co-couselors, but also by the head of camp. after being put in my place i finally had some food for thought. some way of thinking other than the only way i had known.

post graduation: one of my best friends came out to me as a bisexual woman. she had always been a somewhat of a question mark to me and some other college friends, and this was finally the missing piece of the puzzle. something to be an excuse for all those wierd quirks we didn't understand. she was struggling. she was fighting an internal battle with herself, and finally, after living on her own as an adult she was able to come to terms with that part of herself. and still, to this day her family and several of her close friends have no idea, because she is afraid to tell them.

in the past few years: i've met/become aware of other people in my life who are also homo & bi-sexual. my opinion of that lifestyle has greatly changed/widened. part of that is probably because i've had to come to terms with my own sexuality and saw how that affected a lot of people in my life. i moved in with my boyfriend 5 years ago and you should have seen the uproar it caused in my family. luckily, things have calmed down since then, and most people in my life not only like but respect my significant other. and yet, we are still living an alternate lifestyle from most people in my general "life community" because we are living together and not married.

and then there's that: gay marriage. this became a HUGE issue when it became legal in several states, including my very own Iowa a couple years ago. people in politics and otherwise were trying to fight against that so hard. they still are. and even though i had come to terms with accepting and loving people of that nature, i admit i also had a hard time with the idea of gay marriage. but only because it seemed like an accessory, an "extra frills" sort of thing. i guess i wasn't so much against it, as i deemed it unnecessary. i remember looking at pictures of newly wedded gay & lesbian couples and the lesbian photos really stood out to me. and it is then when i had an epiphany about why so many people, including myself, can't understand the concept of a woman being attracted to other women when they both have a very masculine appearance/demeanor. or vice versa, if a male is attracted to other males, why is the gay male stereotypically so afeminate? i just don't get it. and then i realized- i only think this because it's only so obvious. when there are thousands of heterosexual relationships where the woman has very short hair and the man does the cooking, for example. and yet, i'm all for that. i'm all about shooting down gender stereotypes and all for androgeny. so why, in my mind, does that only seem to apply to heterosexual relationships? this is something i've struggled the most with.

lately: i can only imagine what the struggle must be like before one is able to "come out of the closet". i'm sure there are many gay, lesbian, bisexual and even transgender & transsexual folk that still are living in secret. and that makes me sad. because bottom line, you should be able to be who you are. in my life that reflects so strongly. because the happiest i am is when i am at home, alone with my significant other and i can swear and fart and giggle for no reason and walk around naked and be silly and basically do whatever the hell i want because HE LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM. it's hard to find unconditional love. i still have to edit myself with certain friends and family. even if they know something is true, that doesn't mean i have to vividly present it to them. that's called respect, on my part. but it's still sad in a way that i can't be fully myself with someone because i'm afraid they won't like me anymore. and yet, that's only a fraction of what some people have felt growing up with gay tendencies. i can only imagine what that must have been like. i was boy crazy as a young girl, and yet had really no relationships. but at least i had friends i could gush to. what if i was a boy who was boy crazy? what if i was a lesbian and couldn't tell anyone in college, because then no one would want to be my roomate? what if i was a man who desperately wanted to wear make-up and high heels but society didn't want me to? what if?

i'm glad for those who are brave. i'm glad for Kurt from Glee, Carol from Friends, and Mark & Justin & Alexis from Ugly Betty. i'm glad for the transvestite comedian Eddie Izzard and for Project Runway celebrity Tim Gunn. i'm glad for Stanford from Sex & the City and for Cameron & Mitch from Modern Family, whom one of which is gay in real life.

and thanks to all of my gay & bisexual friends and family who were brave enough to tell me. thanks to J & M & A & Uncle R & Uncle M. and to my straight friends who were open minded enough to help point me in the right direction. thanks for giving me a second opinion and for loving what someone somewhere once said we weren't allowed to.

and thanks Iowa, and other places, for allowing gay marriage. because this is just a step towards true civilization. just like the women's movement and refusing segregation between black and white people. (and yellow & red, too right?) because we are all people, and we all deserve freedom and love. love in any way, shape, or form.

as far as those that say otherwise, it sucks to be you.




editor's note: thanks to those who made it down to the bottom. i know this was a long post :) hopefully someday i can present these thoughts in a forum that can inspire and change people.

irony and guilt and stress, oh my!

those things have somewhat been the theme of this week. i had someone telling me repeatedly today what a happy person i am, when the truth is i've had a really stressful/depressing week. and part of the reason why is because having this person around my family makes me nervous. i love this person, but this person has, repeatedly in past experiences, stirred the pot. and i mean the overflowing, boiling pot. and when this happens, she gets to leave and go back to her life, far away, without having to take ownership for any of it. and time passes, life goes on, and then it happens again.

tomorrow. i'm dreading tomorrow. maybe it will all be fine, but i'm not feeling very optimistic. and i'm hoping memorial day won't be very memorable. a mellow, boring day would be just fine with me.

and when it's all said and done, i will come home and take a nap. it's been too busy of a weekend for my taste. and to quote a greeting card i have, "sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it."

soda lovers' anonymous

this past year things have happened to better help myself...in various ways and for various reasons. for instance, i've tried not being so addicted to mt. dew. some people would say 1 can a day isn't that bad, especially since i'm not a coffee drinker, while others would believe it's a horrible lifestyle. whatever the case may be, caffiene is still a drug, as i have realized once again.

today i went home sick from work with symptoms of stomach cramps, migraine, & dizziness. i was of course, quick to blame pms & other stressful events in my life, but then i thought about it. i didn't have any mt. dew for 4 days last week. then on friday & saturday i had two servings each day, because i was missing it. then sunday, nothing. and after having a headache for over 10 hours today, i picked up some excedrin "tension headache" & the infamous green soda. after 2 pills (which also have caffiene) & a can, i was feeling much better. irony? i think not.

so what's the morale of my tale? well, trying to be good sometimes does bite you in the butt. does that mean i'll always be "bad"? maybe. at least it gives me more justification, in a slightly twisted way. i guess it's better than some other vices i could have. or at least that's what i'm telling myself :)

may flowers

it's already may and i only wrote one post in april so i decided i better write another one now before may passes me by.

nothing super exciting is happening in my life. just making plans, paying bills (or trying at that, cause even with a full time job, i'm still playing catch-up), and trying to find things to entertain me in the meantime. recently including re-watching ugly betty on dvd, reorganizing my closet for spring/summer and purchasing 3 new pairs of shoes in the past two weeks. why? well, because it's fun and mostly affordable :) (hey- one out of the 3 pairs was $5 and they all were for work because we only are allowed to wear closed toed shoes so yeah...)

you see? i have a fine life. and yet i still feel apologetic and guilty.

let me explain; i work with a bunch of middle aged women who besides all being anal-retentive & petty to a certain degree about how paper clips should be attached to the files and then some, all have 2 things in common: kids/grandkids and the love of gardening. and while i love kids, i don't have any. and while i love nature, i don't have a yard to plant and reap. and somehow, apparently, i get the feeling that this makes me seem to them a "little girl". quite literally. it's actually one my fellow receptionists' nickname for me. seriously folks. she will even call me that in front of patients! (e.g.- "here, little girl can help you check out"). if you were a patient, would you want to step in line with someone with that nickname??

and while i know that it's really just a term of endearment, it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. just because i don't have the responsibilty of teenage boys, or cannot fathom talking for two hours about whether the ugly red garden ball should go in the bird bath, or on the ground in front of it, doesn't mean i don't have a life. in fact, some would say that means i have more of one.

do i like certain superficial things? of course. it just so happens that my top two favorite pastimes aren't the same of my fellow co-workers. and that's fine. i'm just trying to figure out how to fill the gap without being completely superficial myself.

because i have a lovely life. perfect? no. hells no. but i should feel grateful, not guilty. right?

what the hell, today?

today was not a good day. no good reason for it not to be good, but alas. there was lots of stress and drama at work. i came home, argued with my boyfriend about him having to work Easter weekend. a bit later i went to zumba, my usual wednesday night routine, (other than book club once a month), and despite it's usual mood altering endorphins- i wasn't feeling it tonight. as i was leaving the gym parking lot, i backed into another car. luckily no horrible damage was had, but after that i did not feel like going home and slaving over a hot stove. so i decided to Arby's it up, especially considering their new "good mood food" slogan, i thought it might help. well needless to say, on the less than 1 block trip home from getting my fast food i spilled soda all over the car and myself. brown, wet, sticky cola product.

what a shitty day. so i decided i would watch a sappy movie and cry it all out. "Marley & Me". i'm sure you've heard of it. well, i didn't make it to the end. yes i know what happens, but i just decided to stop the dvd 10 minutes before the inevitable sadness. call me a wuss, whatever. i decided it was good for me to have laughed almost the whole way through before that, and maybe that was really the type of catharsis i needed.

just yesterday i watched another sappy movie that i did finish, "P.S. I Love You", about a wife losing her husband at a young age, and how she deals with it and all the happy and sad aftermath of it all.

i don't know what my deal is but lately i've been consumed with the idea of loss. it can be something small, like losing my chapstick or socks in the dryer, or something big like losing a close relative. or something somewhere in the middle like losing a friend because of one reason or another. or perhaps a family home or place you love being destroyed by the elements.

and when life is good, sometimes empathy gets the best of us. a lot of the clientel where i work are elderly people. when they are filling out the paperwork before their appointment, probably 1 out of every 3 or 4 people will have to change their marital status to "widowed". i never expected that. i just never thought about the simple "status change" before. but even so, there have been a couple people who shared their stories and i got so choked up i had to excuse myself.

what do we do when the person we love the most isn't around anymore? what do we do when we can't contact our "emergency contact"?

i'm really not trying to be morbid, i just have no idea how some people move on with their lives after that. maybe at their age it's sad, but also just something to be expected. still, i can't imagine how i would cope, at any age.

loss happens. and it sucks. and i'm not so great at dealing with it.

usually when change in any shape or form comes, i don't just see it just as change but as a loss of the past whatever it is that the change is replacing. whether the change is a postive one or not.

currently at least 3 people i know and love have (or had) to move for some reason or the other. my parents are renovating their bathroom. one of my best friends is getting married (and will also will be moving eventually). i'm still getting used to all the quirks of my new job. another one of my best friends' parents' house burned down recently.

some of these things are good, some aren't. i think it goes without saying which is which. but while some of my friends have moved because they wanted to, another is being kicked out of their rental because the landlord is putting it on the market, and yet another is riveting from a broken relationship and has to start out on her own again.

it's funny how the same actions can have various causes and effects. it's funny how losing something can mean a fresh start but also means having to deal with the mess in the meantime.

after a day like today i don't really have any answers or antectodes other than just that. and also, since it is timely, that spring always follows winter. and i'm very glad for that. but sometimes, shit happens. and the best you can do is find someone you love, and lean on them for awhile. if only because you haven't lost them yet. and to me, that's worth being a little clingy for.

going's on

tonight is one of those nights where i feel like i should blog...for various reasons.

1) i have the computer all to myself

2) i have no other obligations, &

3) every other day this week i've felt i've had something important to say.

but now all my recent happenings just seem like fleeting thoughts and hazy moments. it really is all about kairos, isn't it?

so now i will write about the concept of time and energy. and how its wierd that things seem so detrimental when i'm sleep deprived and hungry, but after a filling meal and some downtime with the boyfriend, i feel refreshed, and writing about it seems an afterthought.

nothing terrible has happened. nothing wonderful has happened. life seems to be- if only for a while- stable. and i feel content.

i've had both bad days and good in the past couple weeks. but without my usual angst about when i'll get the next "pink slip phone call", i don't know what to be worried about.

before you throw stones at my undying optimism & happiness (yeah right, by the way ;)), let me just say this. i was reading an article in a magazine the other day...4 authors were interviewed and asked the same 4 questions. one of the questions asked something to the effect of "what creates good writing?" or something like that. one of the authors answered (and i'm really, really paraphrasing here folks), "good writing is what happens when you speak truth. if you get caught up in what you think a normal person would write about, or what someone wants to hear, you lose passion and that's where the best writing comes from."

i've always believed that, but it was nice to hear a published author say it, right? nonetheless, i took great heart in this statement. sometimes i've spoken off the cuff and let it all hang out. other times i've written a sappy sonnet, or ended a post with "but that's okay, because, you know, i'm so blessed, blah blah blah." and while it may be true, it's not always the truth of how i feel, or how life is going at the time.

but now, i guess i just wanted to admit that while i have a history of talking about only bad things, or talking about only good things after feeling guilty about talking about all the bad things, i've decided to just speak the truth. how ironic, now, that the truth is mostly good things.

surreal-ness

i'm sitting at home in the middle of the day, but i'm not unemployed. what?

yes, it's true. one of the perks of my new job is that i get one afternoon off a week (due to working a little overtime during the rest of the week.) in actuality, it adds up to a 38 hour work week. not as good as 40 hours, but still, i can't complain.

so far my new job is going great! people are nice, work is more than tolerable, and today i celebrated my first paycheck by getting lunch at a place called "noodle zoo". it's like panera on crack, but includes different varieties of pasta as well as the soup/salad/sandwich deals, and is locally owned. so next time you're in des moines, friends, i'll treat. because i love you, and because i now can :)

dreams (part two); knowing that they can come true

last friday afternoon i received very good news: i got the job! i will be working full-time with benefits (aka- no more being a temp!!!!) at an opthamology clinic. and the best part is, it's located right across the street from where i live!!

the past few days have been quite busy, with company, friends' birthday parties, etc. so it's taken some time for this good news to set in. it still seems quite surreal. this issue in my life has been so big and time consuming, that it feels as if i haven't yet woken up from a very good dream.

and speaking of dreams, mine have been non-stop lately. in reference to my last post, i thought that once i found out good news, i would be able to sleep peacefully. quite the contrary has happened though; now my angst is that of a small child in a candy store, and i cannot stop exclaiming about the wonderfulness that is surrounding me.

the other night, i had, among many, a wierd dream that stuck out to me. i realize i may lose some respect by admitting this, but i believe dreams do hold meaning, and someday would like to study dream psychology. i actually own a book called "10,000 Dreams Explained" by Pamela J. Ball, which is kind of like a dream "dictionary", of sorts.

the two things that stuck out most to me in this dream were the theme of hiding a key from the "bad people", and taking care of our pet whale at the end of the dream story. to explain a little further, the key was mine, and secret, and i had to keep it safe from harm. and at the end of the dream, my roomate had somehow acquired an orca (killer whale), that she had apparently purchased at Best Buy.

seems like a bunch of crazy dream nonsense right?

i'm here to argue quite the opposite. for instance, with the help of my dream dictionary i consulted the entries for "whale" and "key".

"KEY- A key can represent our need for liberation from a stressful situation and then the initiation of a positive spiritual move...."

"WHALE- as a mammal that lives within water, the whale symbolizes the power of resurrection and rebirth, and man's ability to surpass personal trauma."

now if that doesn't make sense of what is currently happening in my life, i don't know what does. i usually take the jargon in this book with a grain of salt; it's not like i let the art of fortune telling or astrology rule my life. but i'm here to say, don't take your dreams lightly. usually, you dream for a reason. even if you don't know what that reason is.

in the meantime, hopefully you will enjoy your dreams and no nightmares will come through! and praise Heaven for liberating me from the stressful situation of being a temp. although it's minor personal trauma, it's still traumatic none the less to deal with the instability, and tomorrow is the rebirth of my job-life. i'm so ready.

dreams

lately i've had trouble sleeping. which, is usually a normal thing for me, however, since i started working out on a regular basis a few months ago, it's really helped my sleeping habits overall.

but, apparently not this week. it's not that i don't feel tired, but always in the afternoons. so i take a nap, which isn't always a long one, but i'm sure makes the cycle repeat itself. and my boyfriend/roomate is currently working 3rd shift, and even though we don't always sleep in the same bed, it's still disconcerting to know that he's not in the next room.

and then there's the whole job thing. waiting to hear back, wondering what will happen. applying for more jobs daily, but no more interviews as of yet. constantly wondering if this is going to be the time in my life where my situation changes for good, or if i'll have to suck it up and be a temp again.

and because of all this stress, i have dreams. sometimes these dreams are completely unrelated to my real life, but they still pester me and wake me up on an hourly basis.

sigh. hopefully i'll get a (non-temp) job offer soon and can sleep a good, full night's sleep. a sleep with the peace of knowing everything will be different and better this time around. it really, really needs to be.

good news!

i have 2 interviews scheduled for next week! one tomorrow, one on tuesday. and both are full-time, with benefits jobs, NOT through my temp agency!!

best case scenario, i get offered both jobs and even more interviews so i can actually feel like i'm choosing what i think is best, instead of taking what i can get. worst case scenario, i don't get offered either position. but the fact that people have actually responded to my applications and want to see me for an interview this soon after being unemployed again (2 weeks), compared to my hell of a summer (1 non-temp interview in 5 months!!) i consider myself blessed.

so wish me luck!

Hannah Hartford

is the name of one of the main characters in the lastest of my book club reads, entitled "The House at Riverton." i would recommend this British mystery novel to anyone. it's somewhat intimidating at first, being almost 500 pages, but once you're hooked, it's hard to put down. and it so much more than your basic mystery.

taking place in and around both WWI and WW2, i will admit there is a lot of death in this book. not violent gruesome death, just a lot of it. and there are also alot of secrets. i would say secrets are the main theme of this historical fiction read.

we had a lot to discuss in my book club tonight- and we got to talking about all the various characters; what role they played, whether we liked/identified with them, and so on. i found Hannah, the eldest of the 2 sisters in the story, to be the character i most identified with. it seems ironic- she's the daughter of a Lord and wants for nothing, and yet, her character wants for everything. she feels trapped, unfulfilled, and in a time where women shouldn't express themselves (much the less want anything more than a proper marriage and high society labels) she did not fit in with the typical women of the day.

she wanted adventure, she wanted to play games, keep and make secrets. she wanted to be free of her title and obligation, and not be tied down to a man she didn't really even love.

well, i suppose i can't identify with everything Hannah felt and went through, but i do empathize with the whole, "wanting adventure and freedom" aspect of her personality. i am lucky- i live in a time where a woman can express herself, can work for a living, and can even put a career ahead of making babies, if she so chooses. and yet i still feel trapped and unfulfilled, because neither is an option for me. or rather, neither seems to be an option at the present time. first of all, i'm nowhere close to being ready to start a family. and as far as the whole working thing goes, i'm not even sure i'm cut out to actually have a career...or that i even want one. or that i even know what i want. at least not yet.

a conclusion we came to in our book club about Hannah, was that she too, had that problem. she was only unfufilled because she didn't exactly know what she wanted...other than, to not be bored with silly tasks around the house.

i feel the same way. i just had an adventure in a beautiful place, many states away. i'm so grateful for this experience. and yet, unfortunately, i'm now left with the question of what my next adventure will be. job searching certainly doesn't do it for me. and yet that seems to be my constant disease, plaguing me ever so many months...or weeks. something i have to do, but something i don't want to do.

a friend recently told me how she & her sister were actually drawing up business plans together to open up a childrens' book store. <-- see, that's what i want. not exactly that, but something, somewhere or place i can make my imprint on for years to come. something i'm not ashamed of, something i'm actually proud to tell people. its not entirely a self-image thing, and i know plans like that take time to come into fruition, but at least for them, they are real, tangible plans.

maybe i just need a plan. the problem is, i need money to back up my plan. but i'd rather just go to california. and africa. and italy.....you get the picture.

growing up, i always thought i would die young. this memorable, tragic, romantic death, simply because i was young and therefore wouldn't have to figure out all this adult stuff. i don't say that to sound morbid or lazy, but i sometimes still think that. maybe i was never meant to be a "grown-up", in the typical sense of the word.

p.s.- Hannah died before the age of 30. just saying ;)

just a normal morning

my alarm rang. i hit snooze four times. i drug myself out of bed, kissed my boyfriend goodbye, and hopped in the shower. i washed, rinsed, and dried myself. i put on my deodorant and body spray. i dressed. i brushed my teeth and put on my make-up. i packed a lunch. i shut off the lights and locked the apartment door behind me. i drove to work, fighting the rush hour traffic, and wishing i could go back to bed. i stayed up way too late last night, of course.

i arrived at my latest job of three weeks. i heard my phone vibrate. i had missed a call from my temporary placement agency. i checked my voicemail. it was time to go. already. i said goodbye and packed up my things.

it was just a normal morning.

feeling blessed

a few months ago i was unemployed, scraping by, and miserable. but lately, i have been feeling so joyous and blessed. which is wierd, because usually this time of year, i'm tripped up with a case of the winter blues. but this year, all within 3 weeks time i will have been to 2 concerts/shows, and be traveling to California on a short but oh so sweet vacation with one of my bestest friends.

how am i able to do all of this? 1) having some sort of job for the past 3 months, 2) income tax refunds ;) , and 3) having an unconditional loving significant other who wants me to be happy and do things for myself, who supports me financially when i need it, and supports me otherwise all the time.

and even though i always feel the need to justify my actions, i don't feel like i'm squandering my money at all. i currently have half of my credit card debt paid off (which started out as ALOT- over $20,000 to be exact. yes, it's true.), and 2 & soon to be 3 of my credit cards entirely paid off. i also have my car completely paid off, as well as all my past medical bills (including my mole surgery from 3 years ago). so i think, even though i was only able to acheive this with the help of my sweet boyfriend, i deserve a reward. and a break, since i wasn't able to go on any vacation last summer. yes, i had more than enough "days off", but no real vacation. no sense of getting [physically] "away from it all". and that's okay, because that's life, and you don't always get what you want when you want it. but once in awhile you do. and that's how i'm feeling right now. very, very blessed.

"a lion called Christian"...

... is the name of the book i just finished. not a book club read, this is one that's been plaguing me over the past couple years...it's easy and enjoyable, and yet i couldn't seem to finish it. but i finally did! and as my reward, i let myself view the youtube video that was the basis for the recreation of this biography.

here's the link to the video, with a couple interviews, so you kinda get the gist. basically, 40 years ago, these two Londoner's raise a lion cub in the city, and then send him back to Africa. there he spends time getting to know his true habitat, spending time with George Adamson, a wildlife conservationist and lion rehabilitator back in the day. after a few months spent weening Christian into a new lifestyle, the London duo heads back to Great Britain, missing and worried for Christian, their beloved pet. a year later they return to the camp where George is still raising a pride of lions, finding not only a bigger Christian, but an unforgetting one, affectionate as ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cqouVL0AiQ&feature=player_detailpage

lets just say after reading & watching, i definately teared up a bit. that, and my love of animals was once again re-established ;)

i can't pick just one

i probably shouldn't be writing anything in a public space right now, because i find myself irritated. and when i'm irritated, i run the risk of offending someone.

but lately i've been reading different blogs, stories, articles, etc.-scoping out what other people have to say about life. i find it interesting (and yet oddly irritating) that some people let one topic consume their whole life, day after day after day. now, i'm not talking about a current problem, or situation that needs resolved, or even a favorite pastime or hobby. what i'm referring to is, the inability to see a rounder world view; a "this is my purpose in life because it's something i enjoy therefore i can say it's what God wants" way of thinking. on the other hand, people shouldn't hinder their own personalities by forgetting their true self via marriage, or parenthood, etc.

i'll be honest....i don't know what my purpose is. i don't claim to. i hesitate to say that God does, because that's another thing that bothers me. people who defer to God and their faith in almost every statement they make because they are afraid to seem "not Christian enough", & afraid to make decisions, or state their real opinions. i understand that christianity is a big part of a persons' life, however, does this forbid you to think outside the box? or realize that if indeed God is your Creator, that he did give you a mind of your own?

basically these are the main things that are currently (and have been for some time) annoying me:

1) people who say "just pray about it" annoy me. prayer is just another word for sorting out your thoughts in a quiet place, so you can be more at peace and make better decisions. whether or not God exists to listen, or intervene, is kind of up for debate. this is just how i really feel. and i think most people feel or have felt this way at some point too, but are just afraid to admit it. it's not that i don't pray for myself or others, or ask others to pray for me, but it just seems "pray" usually translates to a fancier word for "think & hope & analyze & process & vent & try to relinquish control of the situation because most of the time it's out of your hands".

2) 3 & 5 point sermons usually annoy me. there's nothing intrinsically wrong with them, but pastors who usually give them also have a print out for you to "fill in the blanks" with, and that does annoy me. it dumbs down the congregation.....which sometimes isn't all that hard to do anyway. ;)

3) people who use bible verses to justify their way of living annoy me. because almost everyone does it; i know i have. but i find it funny how millions of different people can quote the same book and come up with several denominations and thousands of different life views. which is fine. but most people don't think it's fine, and then judge everyone else for not being exactly like them. when the true beauty of the human race is, in fact, diversity.

4) i see God in people, flora & fauna. but it seems to me, certain other people don't. so they talk to the sky day after day, and end up treating their friends, family, and the earth like shit. this annoys me.

5) stay at home moms usually annoy me. not because they're not working, or because they love their children. but because they usually overcompensate for not having much to talk about other than their kids by having a "holier than thou" way of thinking, join & create many "mom" groups that meet at times when working moms cannot come, and preach to everyone that this is the way it should be done. well maybe you're right. i can't lie and say it wouldn't be nice to not have to work. so how 'bout you pay my bills for awhile so i'm able to do that.

so i guess that's my "5 point sermon" for today ;) i mostly just needed to vent. i hope i didn't offend anyone, but i've been wanting to say that stuff "outloud" for quite awhile now.

and going back to the whole "purpose in life" thing. i'm still figuring mine out. but why does it just have to be one? and does the inability to focus on just one thing make me random? or just well rounded?

i really hope it's the latter.

food

food is wonderful and yummy and beautiful.

i grew up with an affliction towards food, because it seemed to have a love-hate relationship with me. it would tease me with its sweet & saltiness, then make me balloon up the more i consumed. i was told by my parents that i shouldn't eat so much. when i said how my skinny friends ate the same things i did or that my sister ate more than me, i was told "well they can, because they're thin."

i used food as crutch, as a coping method, and as a means to an end. i never spent time enjoying it, because i felt like i couldn't. i mostly ate in secret. i didn't want to be fat, i just wanted to feel full. i didn't take the time or make the effort to explore how many different kinds of wonderful food options there are, and used to think it mattered only how much i ate, but not necessarily what, since for 18+ years, it was always prepared for me.

i used to excersise off and on, coming up with a different routine here & there, but always got depressed. it would take me forever to lose weight and i would usually gain it back doubly....or triply. (if that's a word).

i was diagnosed with polycistic ovaries the year after my freshman 15, or to be more honest, my freshman 30. one of the side effects of having polycistic ovarian syndrome is digestive issues which lead to weight gain. this made me feel a little better about my lifelong struggle.

i was on diabetes medication to help with this problem for 7 years. but it didn't help maintain my weight, and it just gave me heartburn. i stopped taking this about a year ago. my mom has been worried about my blood sugar levels ever since. but the last time i got checked there were no issues- i had healthy levels of blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.

i realized, especially since i stopped taking this medicine, that even if you have a bodily issue, sometimes drugs don't really help at all. they just make you feel more sick and pathetic for being on multiple prescriptions under the age of 30.

i still pretend to like baby carrots without the help of ranch, because "they're good" for me. but in the past few years, living indepently and having friends who also like cooking & eating, i've realized that eating food you enjoy to eat is not a bad thing. yes, there are good food choices and bad food choices, but the older i get and the more my taste buds mature, it's easy to make good eating decisions without trying so hard. for example- stuff like mcdonalds & pop-tarts no longer taste good to me. on the other hand, a lot of vegetables do. i eat and prepare things my mother thinks is "gross", like making a lot of recipies with spinach.

and lately, i've been taking vitamins & exercising on a regular basis. something i used to think was a necessary evil as well. but i've realized it doesn't have to be horrible. and it definately makes a person feel better at the end of the day.

also, this past week i've started counting calories, something i thought only crazy anal annoying people did. this is based on a scale of my age, height, current weight, and goal weight, with regular exercise. and this isn't to hold myself back or "diet", as much as just to see what i'm putting in my body on a daily basis. i still drink pop, which i know isn't smart, but i also try to do it in moderation. that's something else i don't need to have a lot of these days, due to my maturing taste buds.

all in all, i know the concept of being healthy is something almost every individual struggles with. and i've also realized, over the years, being healthy isn't just about diet and exercise, but also about balanicng the other areas of life. and i've focused so much on trying to balance those other areas of life, and fix certain unfixable things, that now i know it's time to take a step back and try to help myself and better myself and stop worrying about when other people will change.

so whether i lose 10 pounds or gain 30 in the process, hopefully the people who love me will always do so, independently of my appearance. i'm just me, with or without a muffin top :) and i've decided to stop feeling guilty for who i am, and how i look.

...and then some

it was 7 blog posts ago i was weening into my new job. 2 months have passed since then, and my new job is now my old job. yes, it happened again. as of monday i was once again deemed unemployable.

the good news is that i do have a new temp assignment starting this coming monday, so i more or less just had a little vacation this week. which on one hand was needed, but on the other hand, filled with stress because no one wants days off for that particular reason.

i don't need to go on and on about it, because this little broken record has played one too many times, and become the story of my life for the past 3 years now. 3 years, 5 departments, and 3 companies i've worked at as a temp to hire, all with the same conclusion: "volume is low and we don't need you anymore." my lengths of employment at each have ranged from 2 weeks to 11 months- or somewhere in between. there is no way of predicting how long a temp job will last. and sometimes, i didn't want it to last, because it was horrible. but this past position, i really, really did. and i'm never the only one they let go, but still. it hurts everytime. mentally, emotionally, and of course, financially.

today i went to pick up my belongings. you see- the way it works is that my temporary placement agency calls me the night after a days work, so they have to go get my personal belongings from my cubicle. and though i've started accumulating less and less with each new position, they somehow managed to fill a typing paper sized box full of my stuff. as i was bringing it down to my car this afternoon, a huge wintry gust of air came down and took the lid right off, and it ended up face down in the icky gray slush of the parking lot. granted, it could have been worse, but i found it ironic to be chasing after a stupid, not-worth it, cardboard box lid, just the same way i've been chasing after these jobs. i don't want the box lid, i don't need the box lid, but if i don't get it someone will make a big mess and i'll have to take responsibility for the littering catastrophe. and in the same way, i don't want to work at these places the temp agency sends me too, and often times i suppose i don't need to, but if i don't, my financial life and otherwise will just become a mess. and it's easier to prevent a mess than clean one up, as i've learned.

the eccelsiastical thoughts of "meaningless" come to mind here....chasing after the wind and such. i know sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with it, but the bottom line is, i'm sick of being a yo-yo because i have to "take what i can get". and after my 5 long months of being unemployed not so long ago, of which i'm still playing catch-up from, i can't afford another 5 months, just hoping something better and permanent comes along. because apparently no one in the non-temp world will hire me- not even stupid restaurants.

i'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, folks. but its hard to be optimistic, when you feel you peaked your senior year of high school, and it's been downhill on the "successful winner" side of things since then. i hate to admit it, but that's where i'm at; that's how i really feel. i don't quite know if my true potential will ever be realized, least of all by myself.

the truth of the matter is, i don't know if there's any place i'll ever want to work at. working isn't fun. (right?) i love learning, but the trouble comes when i have to apply my expensive education to some sort of career, when everything is just subjective. i've often thought of owning my own business, but since i don't come from a wealthy family, i'd still have to "work for the man" almost my whole life to save enough money for that. and by then, i'd just be ready to retire i assume.

to quote C.S. Lewis, "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

21st century, 2nd decade. wow.

a new year brings resolutions, remembrance, and reminiscing. it's hard to believe that already a decade has passed and it's currently 2011. when i was younger i could hardly imagine that coming to pass. and thinking back, a lot happened in the past 10 years. a significant a lot. but it would take too much time to delve into everything....so i'll just share the highlights:

2000- i spent a summer in Tamana, Japan. i learned patience, the love of sticky rice, and how to write my name in japanese caligraphy. and then some ;)

2001- i graduated from high school with a lot of honors, and a lot of forever friends.

2002- i realized i wasn't cut out to be a biology major- so i changed to psychology. and i loved it.

2003- jesse transferred to Northwestern. little did i know that wierd flirty boy would soon be the love of my life.

2004- i went to Bluefields, Nicaragua on my spring break. i fell in love with the people, and a 11 year old girl named Flor, who told me i should come back and build a house by the childrens' shelter we served at.

2005- all of my best friends in my college class graduated. and it was wierd, because i had another year to go. this was also the last year i was in an organzied band. the summer of, i started dating jesse, my first real boyfriend, never thinking it would turn into something long term.

2006- i studied/interned for a semester in Chicago. i was cold, depressed, had a horrible roomate, ate way too much Popeye's chicken, and spent more time than i would ever desire on the CTA. and i'm really, really glad i had that experience. that summer, i got a job and moved into my first apartment as a college grad. jesse moved in with me and we made a lot of people uncomfortable. it turned out to be one of the best decisions i've ever made.

2007- jesse & i went on our first road trip/long vacation as a couple. i brought a long a camcorder he got me that year for my birthday and we recorded most all of the places we went and people we saw. except for the weekend with my grandparents @ the Atlantic Ocean. also a first.

2008- that was a really tough year. i was working retail, and feeling guilty for quitting Orchard Place and all those kids i couldn't seem to help. i still think of them often, and hope they turned into healthy, stable, young adults. they will forever hold a place in my heart.

2009- 2 of my best friends moved really far away. and i was lonely. but before that happened, we had an awesome camping weekend in okoboji! tenting, boating, making smores- the best things in life, i think. a great time- despite of our tents flooding and fitting 8 people into one hotel room for a night!

2010- what a year. it had it's ups and downs, like any other. but for the first time in my life, i started to feel like a grown up. i dealt with several months of unemployment, and learned how to say no to things i couldn't always afford. i spent the summer watching LOST and making fresh fruit smoothies when i wasn't job hunting. we moved into a new apartment, and i'm having to learn to split time and energy with a 3rd roomate. a lot of family issues again rose to the surface, making me realize once again, some things won't ever change. but depsite all that, i think i've come out clean on the other side. i've had a time to ask forgiveness, and a time of renewal. i still have a long way to go before i reach my "ideal self", but i'm getting there.

so here's to the next 10 years- may they be the best ones yet!!