think think think

lately i've been doing a lot of thinking. about why certain things matter so much, and other things that should matter, don't.

today was a rough day. actually, i've had nothing but rough days (at least at work) since we lost 2 receptionists, (at least temporarily), and overtime is not only happening but kind of required. in an already super stressful position, it just becomes overwhelming at times. so much so, that a couple weeks ago when i realized what was happening i had a meltdown at work and cried in front of everybody. it was embarrassing to say the least, but since then i have been more stable and trying to remind myself that whatever happens i still get to go home at the end of the day and be with the one i love. it just sucks that sometimes the one i love has to suffer from my angst and depressive mind sometimes.

he took me on a motorcycle ride tonight. sometimes- that's just what i need; a loud engine and wind blowing through my hair and keeping the rest of the world quiet- blocking out all other senses but the feeling of the man in front of me.

and on the way home tonight, after getting some supper, i realized how silly i am sometimes. why is it, that i can ride on the back of a motorcycle, without a helmet, through city traffic and be completely relaxed? the fact is, if we crashed, i might die. and yet, i'm not worried. but answering the constantly ringing phone at work and not being able to transfer to the appropriate assistant at work? that's stressful enough to make me want to jump off a very tall building! not everyday, but lately, yeah it's true.

its funny to me that being unemployed is sometimes less anxiety ridden than being at a place i can't seem to get rid of. the very place that i praised for being within walking distance of my house, i now fear seeing through my window when at when i am home. because sometimes it's too close.

and then i had an epiphany: it's not that i hate my job, its that i have very little control over what happens. and for some reason i need that control. or at the very least, for people to realize that all of this stress was completely avoidable & unecessary if the managerial staff would've done this, that, etc when they knew the situation at hand. because, its mostly petty stuff that gets my goat and therefore i usually feel guilty and weak that i let it bother me so much.

at least if i'm unemployed, or paralyzed from a motorcycle accident i'll have real problems to complain about. but this? this current petty stuff that's going on? its not worth it. and yet its the little things that add up and up until you find the back breaking straw, if you will.

so through all of this stress, meaningless as it is, i've come up with a few reminders for myself to get me through the very long days:

-when it comes to clients, being assertive is different than being confrontational. and it's very okay to be assertive.

-people usually project their personal problems and let it affect work, so if they yell at me its usually not about me. and if it is about me, don't take it personally because everyone makes mistakes.

-forget i own those dress pants that are too tight. if i'm comfortable, i'm happier. so i bought 2 new pairs of work pants this weekend...on sale :)

-EAT BREAKFAST. just tonight i made fresh orange/pineapple/banana smoothies for tomorrow and thursday morning, since i don't allow time/aren't hungry before i start work.

-also relevant to the last note, don't starve myself throughout the day. even if i think i am too busy to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. its better to just take time to pee and eat something i brought from home, than hold it and just forage from the candy basket. (common sense, i know, but easier said than done in my work environment when you only get 30 minutes of breaktime for a 9 hour day).

-and lastly, don't let work affect my personal relationships. and don't let personal relationships affect work. compartmentalize, if you will. also easier said than done, but it's a must. just tonight i refused to talk to one of my besties because work was too stressful and too exhausting. i know sometimes that happens, but i hate that that, of all things, was my reason.


anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and only one more week before i get my tuesday afternoons off again. (dont be too jealous though, that just means i go back to 40 hours a week instead of 45+. and even that doesn't sound like a lot, but lets just say my sanity is only attainable that way. and so is the gym :) )