thoughts on being gay

sometimes i wake up early in the morning and have all these thoughts swirling around in my head, usually an effect of all the crazy dreams i had. and then, i have a desire to write all of these thoughts down.

homosexuality is a topic i've avoided on my blog. while i've dipped my toes in other controversial subjects, this seems to be the one that is the most, after all these years of progress. and what i have to say on the matter, i'm afraid, might just offend both sides, liberal and conservative. but here i go...

my earliest thought on being gay: as a child in an ultra religious upbringing i was told more than once that "being gay" was the "unforgivable sin" per my religious leaders, because of the biblical destruction of soddom and gomorrah. no, they weren't there to witness it, but that's what they had deduced must be the reason why two cities were so immoral. i'm sure it had nothing to do with murder, domestic abuse, child and/or animal molestation, or torture, right? also, i'm sure the fire and brimstone was a complete and total "God" thing as opposed to the cities being geographically close to the earth's tetonic plates?? (note my sarcasm here cause i'm laying it on pretty thick) anyway, i'm no theologian, but that's my 2 cents on that.

going back to growing up: i was pretty indifferent or just unaware of homosexuality because it wasn't presented in the media as it has been in the past 5-10 years. there was no "token gay guy" on tv sitcoms, no show called "queer eye for the straight guy"...nothing. or at least, nothing in my world except for a few relatives who made it apparent because they had a "partner." one of these relatives came to stay at our house when i was about 12, maybe 13 years old. he was HIV positive (and for the record, luckily does not have AIDS, to this day). one day i had to use the bathroom right after him and my junior high aged brain thought it might be possible to contract that disease because we used the same toilet seat! how sad is that?

in high school: i had an outright argument with my spanish teacher that "being gay" was just that: a way of living, a way of being. i viewed homosexuality as a choice, not a characteristic one is born with. i think this may have been after she read the class an article on a student that was beat to death because he was "different". you know what her last words to me were? "if being gay were a choice, why would someone choose to be tortured?"

next "thoughts on being gay" experience: i was 21, working at a Lutheran church camp that summer. the subject came up, and i offered, to the girls in my cabin, my only previous knowledge/viewpoint on the subject; being gay was a sin. i didn't believe that it was "unforgivable", but i still believed that lifestyle was dirty and wrong, and also so "rare" that there was probably 10 homosexuals in the entire US. how silly of me. how ignorant. and boy did i get reamed on that day at camp, not only by my best friend/co-couselors, but also by the head of camp. after being put in my place i finally had some food for thought. some way of thinking other than the only way i had known.

post graduation: one of my best friends came out to me as a bisexual woman. she had always been a somewhat of a question mark to me and some other college friends, and this was finally the missing piece of the puzzle. something to be an excuse for all those wierd quirks we didn't understand. she was struggling. she was fighting an internal battle with herself, and finally, after living on her own as an adult she was able to come to terms with that part of herself. and still, to this day her family and several of her close friends have no idea, because she is afraid to tell them.

in the past few years: i've met/become aware of other people in my life who are also homo & bi-sexual. my opinion of that lifestyle has greatly changed/widened. part of that is probably because i've had to come to terms with my own sexuality and saw how that affected a lot of people in my life. i moved in with my boyfriend 5 years ago and you should have seen the uproar it caused in my family. luckily, things have calmed down since then, and most people in my life not only like but respect my significant other. and yet, we are still living an alternate lifestyle from most people in my general "life community" because we are living together and not married.

and then there's that: gay marriage. this became a HUGE issue when it became legal in several states, including my very own Iowa a couple years ago. people in politics and otherwise were trying to fight against that so hard. they still are. and even though i had come to terms with accepting and loving people of that nature, i admit i also had a hard time with the idea of gay marriage. but only because it seemed like an accessory, an "extra frills" sort of thing. i guess i wasn't so much against it, as i deemed it unnecessary. i remember looking at pictures of newly wedded gay & lesbian couples and the lesbian photos really stood out to me. and it is then when i had an epiphany about why so many people, including myself, can't understand the concept of a woman being attracted to other women when they both have a very masculine appearance/demeanor. or vice versa, if a male is attracted to other males, why is the gay male stereotypically so afeminate? i just don't get it. and then i realized- i only think this because it's only so obvious. when there are thousands of heterosexual relationships where the woman has very short hair and the man does the cooking, for example. and yet, i'm all for that. i'm all about shooting down gender stereotypes and all for androgeny. so why, in my mind, does that only seem to apply to heterosexual relationships? this is something i've struggled the most with.

lately: i can only imagine what the struggle must be like before one is able to "come out of the closet". i'm sure there are many gay, lesbian, bisexual and even transgender & transsexual folk that still are living in secret. and that makes me sad. because bottom line, you should be able to be who you are. in my life that reflects so strongly. because the happiest i am is when i am at home, alone with my significant other and i can swear and fart and giggle for no reason and walk around naked and be silly and basically do whatever the hell i want because HE LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM. it's hard to find unconditional love. i still have to edit myself with certain friends and family. even if they know something is true, that doesn't mean i have to vividly present it to them. that's called respect, on my part. but it's still sad in a way that i can't be fully myself with someone because i'm afraid they won't like me anymore. and yet, that's only a fraction of what some people have felt growing up with gay tendencies. i can only imagine what that must have been like. i was boy crazy as a young girl, and yet had really no relationships. but at least i had friends i could gush to. what if i was a boy who was boy crazy? what if i was a lesbian and couldn't tell anyone in college, because then no one would want to be my roomate? what if i was a man who desperately wanted to wear make-up and high heels but society didn't want me to? what if?

i'm glad for those who are brave. i'm glad for Kurt from Glee, Carol from Friends, and Mark & Justin & Alexis from Ugly Betty. i'm glad for the transvestite comedian Eddie Izzard and for Project Runway celebrity Tim Gunn. i'm glad for Stanford from Sex & the City and for Cameron & Mitch from Modern Family, whom one of which is gay in real life.

and thanks to all of my gay & bisexual friends and family who were brave enough to tell me. thanks to J & M & A & Uncle R & Uncle M. and to my straight friends who were open minded enough to help point me in the right direction. thanks for giving me a second opinion and for loving what someone somewhere once said we weren't allowed to.

and thanks Iowa, and other places, for allowing gay marriage. because this is just a step towards true civilization. just like the women's movement and refusing segregation between black and white people. (and yellow & red, too right?) because we are all people, and we all deserve freedom and love. love in any way, shape, or form.

as far as those that say otherwise, it sucks to be you.




editor's note: thanks to those who made it down to the bottom. i know this was a long post :) hopefully someday i can present these thoughts in a forum that can inspire and change people.