...and then some

it was 7 blog posts ago i was weening into my new job. 2 months have passed since then, and my new job is now my old job. yes, it happened again. as of monday i was once again deemed unemployable.

the good news is that i do have a new temp assignment starting this coming monday, so i more or less just had a little vacation this week. which on one hand was needed, but on the other hand, filled with stress because no one wants days off for that particular reason.

i don't need to go on and on about it, because this little broken record has played one too many times, and become the story of my life for the past 3 years now. 3 years, 5 departments, and 3 companies i've worked at as a temp to hire, all with the same conclusion: "volume is low and we don't need you anymore." my lengths of employment at each have ranged from 2 weeks to 11 months- or somewhere in between. there is no way of predicting how long a temp job will last. and sometimes, i didn't want it to last, because it was horrible. but this past position, i really, really did. and i'm never the only one they let go, but still. it hurts everytime. mentally, emotionally, and of course, financially.

today i went to pick up my belongings. you see- the way it works is that my temporary placement agency calls me the night after a days work, so they have to go get my personal belongings from my cubicle. and though i've started accumulating less and less with each new position, they somehow managed to fill a typing paper sized box full of my stuff. as i was bringing it down to my car this afternoon, a huge wintry gust of air came down and took the lid right off, and it ended up face down in the icky gray slush of the parking lot. granted, it could have been worse, but i found it ironic to be chasing after a stupid, not-worth it, cardboard box lid, just the same way i've been chasing after these jobs. i don't want the box lid, i don't need the box lid, but if i don't get it someone will make a big mess and i'll have to take responsibility for the littering catastrophe. and in the same way, i don't want to work at these places the temp agency sends me too, and often times i suppose i don't need to, but if i don't, my financial life and otherwise will just become a mess. and it's easier to prevent a mess than clean one up, as i've learned.

the eccelsiastical thoughts of "meaningless" come to mind here....chasing after the wind and such. i know sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with it, but the bottom line is, i'm sick of being a yo-yo because i have to "take what i can get". and after my 5 long months of being unemployed not so long ago, of which i'm still playing catch-up from, i can't afford another 5 months, just hoping something better and permanent comes along. because apparently no one in the non-temp world will hire me- not even stupid restaurants.

i'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, folks. but its hard to be optimistic, when you feel you peaked your senior year of high school, and it's been downhill on the "successful winner" side of things since then. i hate to admit it, but that's where i'm at; that's how i really feel. i don't quite know if my true potential will ever be realized, least of all by myself.

the truth of the matter is, i don't know if there's any place i'll ever want to work at. working isn't fun. (right?) i love learning, but the trouble comes when i have to apply my expensive education to some sort of career, when everything is just subjective. i've often thought of owning my own business, but since i don't come from a wealthy family, i'd still have to "work for the man" almost my whole life to save enough money for that. and by then, i'd just be ready to retire i assume.

to quote C.S. Lewis, "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."