what the hell, today?

today was not a good day. no good reason for it not to be good, but alas. there was lots of stress and drama at work. i came home, argued with my boyfriend about him having to work Easter weekend. a bit later i went to zumba, my usual wednesday night routine, (other than book club once a month), and despite it's usual mood altering endorphins- i wasn't feeling it tonight. as i was leaving the gym parking lot, i backed into another car. luckily no horrible damage was had, but after that i did not feel like going home and slaving over a hot stove. so i decided to Arby's it up, especially considering their new "good mood food" slogan, i thought it might help. well needless to say, on the less than 1 block trip home from getting my fast food i spilled soda all over the car and myself. brown, wet, sticky cola product.

what a shitty day. so i decided i would watch a sappy movie and cry it all out. "Marley & Me". i'm sure you've heard of it. well, i didn't make it to the end. yes i know what happens, but i just decided to stop the dvd 10 minutes before the inevitable sadness. call me a wuss, whatever. i decided it was good for me to have laughed almost the whole way through before that, and maybe that was really the type of catharsis i needed.

just yesterday i watched another sappy movie that i did finish, "P.S. I Love You", about a wife losing her husband at a young age, and how she deals with it and all the happy and sad aftermath of it all.

i don't know what my deal is but lately i've been consumed with the idea of loss. it can be something small, like losing my chapstick or socks in the dryer, or something big like losing a close relative. or something somewhere in the middle like losing a friend because of one reason or another. or perhaps a family home or place you love being destroyed by the elements.

and when life is good, sometimes empathy gets the best of us. a lot of the clientel where i work are elderly people. when they are filling out the paperwork before their appointment, probably 1 out of every 3 or 4 people will have to change their marital status to "widowed". i never expected that. i just never thought about the simple "status change" before. but even so, there have been a couple people who shared their stories and i got so choked up i had to excuse myself.

what do we do when the person we love the most isn't around anymore? what do we do when we can't contact our "emergency contact"?

i'm really not trying to be morbid, i just have no idea how some people move on with their lives after that. maybe at their age it's sad, but also just something to be expected. still, i can't imagine how i would cope, at any age.

loss happens. and it sucks. and i'm not so great at dealing with it.

usually when change in any shape or form comes, i don't just see it just as change but as a loss of the past whatever it is that the change is replacing. whether the change is a postive one or not.

currently at least 3 people i know and love have (or had) to move for some reason or the other. my parents are renovating their bathroom. one of my best friends is getting married (and will also will be moving eventually). i'm still getting used to all the quirks of my new job. another one of my best friends' parents' house burned down recently.

some of these things are good, some aren't. i think it goes without saying which is which. but while some of my friends have moved because they wanted to, another is being kicked out of their rental because the landlord is putting it on the market, and yet another is riveting from a broken relationship and has to start out on her own again.

it's funny how the same actions can have various causes and effects. it's funny how losing something can mean a fresh start but also means having to deal with the mess in the meantime.

after a day like today i don't really have any answers or antectodes other than just that. and also, since it is timely, that spring always follows winter. and i'm very glad for that. but sometimes, shit happens. and the best you can do is find someone you love, and lean on them for awhile. if only because you haven't lost them yet. and to me, that's worth being a little clingy for.