may flowers

it's already may and i only wrote one post in april so i decided i better write another one now before may passes me by.

nothing super exciting is happening in my life. just making plans, paying bills (or trying at that, cause even with a full time job, i'm still playing catch-up), and trying to find things to entertain me in the meantime. recently including re-watching ugly betty on dvd, reorganizing my closet for spring/summer and purchasing 3 new pairs of shoes in the past two weeks. why? well, because it's fun and mostly affordable :) (hey- one out of the 3 pairs was $5 and they all were for work because we only are allowed to wear closed toed shoes so yeah...)

you see? i have a fine life. and yet i still feel apologetic and guilty.

let me explain; i work with a bunch of middle aged women who besides all being anal-retentive & petty to a certain degree about how paper clips should be attached to the files and then some, all have 2 things in common: kids/grandkids and the love of gardening. and while i love kids, i don't have any. and while i love nature, i don't have a yard to plant and reap. and somehow, apparently, i get the feeling that this makes me seem to them a "little girl". quite literally. it's actually one my fellow receptionists' nickname for me. seriously folks. she will even call me that in front of patients! (e.g.- "here, little girl can help you check out"). if you were a patient, would you want to step in line with someone with that nickname??

and while i know that it's really just a term of endearment, it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. just because i don't have the responsibilty of teenage boys, or cannot fathom talking for two hours about whether the ugly red garden ball should go in the bird bath, or on the ground in front of it, doesn't mean i don't have a life. in fact, some would say that means i have more of one.

do i like certain superficial things? of course. it just so happens that my top two favorite pastimes aren't the same of my fellow co-workers. and that's fine. i'm just trying to figure out how to fill the gap without being completely superficial myself.

because i have a lovely life. perfect? no. hells no. but i should feel grateful, not guilty. right?