Hannah Hartford

is the name of one of the main characters in the lastest of my book club reads, entitled "The House at Riverton." i would recommend this British mystery novel to anyone. it's somewhat intimidating at first, being almost 500 pages, but once you're hooked, it's hard to put down. and it so much more than your basic mystery.

taking place in and around both WWI and WW2, i will admit there is a lot of death in this book. not violent gruesome death, just a lot of it. and there are also alot of secrets. i would say secrets are the main theme of this historical fiction read.

we had a lot to discuss in my book club tonight- and we got to talking about all the various characters; what role they played, whether we liked/identified with them, and so on. i found Hannah, the eldest of the 2 sisters in the story, to be the character i most identified with. it seems ironic- she's the daughter of a Lord and wants for nothing, and yet, her character wants for everything. she feels trapped, unfulfilled, and in a time where women shouldn't express themselves (much the less want anything more than a proper marriage and high society labels) she did not fit in with the typical women of the day.

she wanted adventure, she wanted to play games, keep and make secrets. she wanted to be free of her title and obligation, and not be tied down to a man she didn't really even love.

well, i suppose i can't identify with everything Hannah felt and went through, but i do empathize with the whole, "wanting adventure and freedom" aspect of her personality. i am lucky- i live in a time where a woman can express herself, can work for a living, and can even put a career ahead of making babies, if she so chooses. and yet i still feel trapped and unfulfilled, because neither is an option for me. or rather, neither seems to be an option at the present time. first of all, i'm nowhere close to being ready to start a family. and as far as the whole working thing goes, i'm not even sure i'm cut out to actually have a career...or that i even want one. or that i even know what i want. at least not yet.

a conclusion we came to in our book club about Hannah, was that she too, had that problem. she was only unfufilled because she didn't exactly know what she wanted...other than, to not be bored with silly tasks around the house.

i feel the same way. i just had an adventure in a beautiful place, many states away. i'm so grateful for this experience. and yet, unfortunately, i'm now left with the question of what my next adventure will be. job searching certainly doesn't do it for me. and yet that seems to be my constant disease, plaguing me ever so many months...or weeks. something i have to do, but something i don't want to do.

a friend recently told me how she & her sister were actually drawing up business plans together to open up a childrens' book store. <-- see, that's what i want. not exactly that, but something, somewhere or place i can make my imprint on for years to come. something i'm not ashamed of, something i'm actually proud to tell people. its not entirely a self-image thing, and i know plans like that take time to come into fruition, but at least for them, they are real, tangible plans.

maybe i just need a plan. the problem is, i need money to back up my plan. but i'd rather just go to california. and africa. and italy.....you get the picture.

growing up, i always thought i would die young. this memorable, tragic, romantic death, simply because i was young and therefore wouldn't have to figure out all this adult stuff. i don't say that to sound morbid or lazy, but i sometimes still think that. maybe i was never meant to be a "grown-up", in the typical sense of the word.

p.s.- Hannah died before the age of 30. just saying ;)