food

food is wonderful and yummy and beautiful.

i grew up with an affliction towards food, because it seemed to have a love-hate relationship with me. it would tease me with its sweet & saltiness, then make me balloon up the more i consumed. i was told by my parents that i shouldn't eat so much. when i said how my skinny friends ate the same things i did or that my sister ate more than me, i was told "well they can, because they're thin."

i used food as crutch, as a coping method, and as a means to an end. i never spent time enjoying it, because i felt like i couldn't. i mostly ate in secret. i didn't want to be fat, i just wanted to feel full. i didn't take the time or make the effort to explore how many different kinds of wonderful food options there are, and used to think it mattered only how much i ate, but not necessarily what, since for 18+ years, it was always prepared for me.

i used to excersise off and on, coming up with a different routine here & there, but always got depressed. it would take me forever to lose weight and i would usually gain it back doubly....or triply. (if that's a word).

i was diagnosed with polycistic ovaries the year after my freshman 15, or to be more honest, my freshman 30. one of the side effects of having polycistic ovarian syndrome is digestive issues which lead to weight gain. this made me feel a little better about my lifelong struggle.

i was on diabetes medication to help with this problem for 7 years. but it didn't help maintain my weight, and it just gave me heartburn. i stopped taking this about a year ago. my mom has been worried about my blood sugar levels ever since. but the last time i got checked there were no issues- i had healthy levels of blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.

i realized, especially since i stopped taking this medicine, that even if you have a bodily issue, sometimes drugs don't really help at all. they just make you feel more sick and pathetic for being on multiple prescriptions under the age of 30.

i still pretend to like baby carrots without the help of ranch, because "they're good" for me. but in the past few years, living indepently and having friends who also like cooking & eating, i've realized that eating food you enjoy to eat is not a bad thing. yes, there are good food choices and bad food choices, but the older i get and the more my taste buds mature, it's easy to make good eating decisions without trying so hard. for example- stuff like mcdonalds & pop-tarts no longer taste good to me. on the other hand, a lot of vegetables do. i eat and prepare things my mother thinks is "gross", like making a lot of recipies with spinach.

and lately, i've been taking vitamins & exercising on a regular basis. something i used to think was a necessary evil as well. but i've realized it doesn't have to be horrible. and it definately makes a person feel better at the end of the day.

also, this past week i've started counting calories, something i thought only crazy anal annoying people did. this is based on a scale of my age, height, current weight, and goal weight, with regular exercise. and this isn't to hold myself back or "diet", as much as just to see what i'm putting in my body on a daily basis. i still drink pop, which i know isn't smart, but i also try to do it in moderation. that's something else i don't need to have a lot of these days, due to my maturing taste buds.

all in all, i know the concept of being healthy is something almost every individual struggles with. and i've also realized, over the years, being healthy isn't just about diet and exercise, but also about balanicng the other areas of life. and i've focused so much on trying to balance those other areas of life, and fix certain unfixable things, that now i know it's time to take a step back and try to help myself and better myself and stop worrying about when other people will change.

so whether i lose 10 pounds or gain 30 in the process, hopefully the people who love me will always do so, independently of my appearance. i'm just me, with or without a muffin top :) and i've decided to stop feeling guilty for who i am, and how i look.