change is in the air

fall has always been a season for change, both literally and figuratively.  and this year, I've been feeling it more than ever.

i suppose it started this summer, when i turned 30.  as tentative as i was about entering a new decade in my life, officially being able to say "i'm in my 30's", and all the societal expectations that comes with it, i never expected certain things to happen.

and the biggest thing i never expected to happen this year, was to become a homeowner.  and now that jesse and i are officially 3 days from closing on our house, it seems more surreal than ever.

every time i blog (which is now more few and far between than ever) i have to chuckle at the last blog post i had written and how in a few weeks or months i am in such a different state of mind than i was before.  for instance, in my last post i was complaining about money and feeling poor.  and the fact that we're buying a house seems like such a disconnect, even if part of the reason we are doing so is to save money in the long run.

so no i'm not any richer.  but these last few months have made me wiser. and my relationship with jesse has become even stronger.   sometimes it takes a huge change, scary or exciting as it may be, to realize how grateful you are for what you have.

this has also been a weird year due to the fact that some of my favorite tv series are over forever!  for example, "Breaking Bad", "Dexter", and of course "What Not to Wear."  this evening i watched my recording of the WNTW season/series finale.  and during the final show recaps, hearing the wonderful things said by the hosts, and contestants, and other fans such as myself, i got all choked up.  and as the tears filled my eyes, i said out loud, "wow, I am such a pathetic loser!" and jesse in his lovingly teasing way concurred.  and as i let a few tears fall i realized, just as that wonderful TLC show was never really about clothes (okay it was a little bit about clothes) but mostly about building women's confidence and self-esteem, and in the same way my emotional response wasn't really about the end of a tv show, but about the end of a phase of my life.

when a big change comes, even if it's moving on to bigger and better things, it still means saying goodbye to a part of your existence.  and if that part of your existence happened to be full of wonderful moments, it's hard to let go.

for the past 7 years i've lived with jesse in this apartment. (the one small move we had didn't count since the apartment was the exact same layout, just bigger and the same general west des moines location).  and 7 years is a long time.  not only have we learned so much about each other but we've learned so much about ourselves.  i started my adulthood in these apartments.  these walls have seen a thousand tears; they've heard a million laughs.  they've answered a hundred questions that usually start with "what do i do now?", including our next move.

there's always a trade off when change happens.  in this case, as it should be, the pros out weigh the cons. but saying hello to more bedrooms means saying goodbye to my huge walk-in closet.  saying hello to a beautiful yard means saying goodbye to free lawn care and snow removal.  saying hello to painting the walls any color i want and having new stainless steel appliances also means saying goodbye to free repairs and maintenance done by somebody else.

and another series of questions arises in my head as well: what happens next? does getting a house mean we have to start having babies and staying at home more because we can't afford to go out and take trips?  does this new step in life intrinsically move me 5 boxes forward in the game of life? are we ready for this? am i?

seven years ago as a recent college grad, besides getting a job in my major field, i was concerned about going shopping for new clothes every weekend, learning new moves in the bedroom, and hanging out with my friends as often as possible. the former few concerns aren't at the forefront of my mind these days, but the latter one remains true.  and sometimes, when people "move on" or "settle down" all it means is that they move off the grid. and sometimes, that's okay. but so much of my life i've defined who i am as a person by how many people are surrounding me at the time.  things change when you're surrounded by mainly one person for a long period of time and you have to decide, is it worth 7 more years, or 77 more?  would i move across the globe with this person? will we still love each other when something in our beautiful new house breaks and we have to sacrifice means to fix it? will we let the fate of our own parents and grandparents determine our own?

common law says we're married; society doesn't. in fact our realtor on more than one occasion has asked, "when's the wedding?"  so what do i say?  i say that buying a house together (aka committing at least the next 30 years of our life together) is a pretty big step forward.  we may never fit into a certain mold, but we fit with each other.  i don't have any regrets about the past 7 years.  and i'm so thrilled, so blessed, to share a life with someone who loves me the way he does. because that's what truly makes a house a home, wherever you may dwell.

grocery shopping gives me OCD

yes, yes, it goes without saying that i've ignored blogging for the past few months, and for several reasons. without going into too much detail, here's a list of 5 reasons why I haven't written:
1) i saw a therapist for a few months, which was a good form of catharsis, and thereby decreased my need to blog
2) life gets really busy when spring and summer come around
3) work has been so stressful lately i need all the time i can get just to not think for a few hours at night and on weekends when i actually have some free time
4) i didn't like the depressing turn my blog took the past few entries...because that's not who i am and how i feel all the time
5) i didn't want it to be an obligation, and the important people in my life already know what's going on in it :)

****

MEANWHILE- and again without being too depressing i want to talk about money and why grocery shopping makes me feel like a crazy person.

money sucks. the need for money sucks.  the fact that [we] work really hard 5 days a week to spend all our hard earned money 2 days a week sucks even more, and if you think about it, is really wrong and backwards.

theoretically, i'm in the best place financially i've been in years; i have a full time (non-temporary) job with benefits, i don't have any credit cards or credit card debt, i don't have any car payments and i rarely have to buy gas since i live close enough to walk to work, and i don't have any kids.

so then, pray tell, why am i so broke?  and maybe everyone feels this way.  don't get me wrong, i have what i need, and i get about 60% of what i want, whether it be going out to eat 3-4 times a week, or getting new bedroom décor.

but instead of eating good food, lately i've eaten cheap fast food to save money. and instead of getting new bedroom furniture cause i'm 30 and still sleeping in the same bed I've had since i was 3-years-old, i just got a new comforter and some candles to change the color scheme, and moved my furniture around to make it feel like a different space.

and before you start thinking this is just another blog post where i'm feeling sorry for myself, read on. my point is, or i guess my question is,  how is it that i can't afford to fix my broken car ac? how is it that i have to choose between getting someone a bridal shower present and getting myself a pedicure? and while both of those things might seem completely unnecessary, my point is, with everything i mentioned 3 paragraphs ago, i should be able to afford both right?

***

jesse and i had talked about going camping this weekend...getting a way from it all in an affordable way, and enjoying the great outdoors. but, when the great outdoors decided to be 100 degrees, we decided on a Champp's burger, and comedic matinee in an air conditioned theater instead.   and then we made the mistake of getting groceries. oh so excited by coupons and fuel saver deals, we stocked up as we were out of about everything, since we didn't get much groceries the last couple weeks.  and all the while being frugal we still managed to spend $160.  on crap.  on a bag boy putting bananas and bread in the bottom of the bags.

so as we were loading the bags into our trunk, I had my 4th freak out of the week.  i was angry, no, indignant; as an [insert grocery store name here] former employee myself, it mortified me how badly he sacked our overpriced, even non-organic food that we paid good money for!  which happens ALL the time! what a moron! and don't even get me started on the cart corrals; people putting the small carts on the big cart side even when there's only 3 carts in there!  what inconsiderate jerks!!   and while i know these things aren't the end of the world, it just astonishes me that we as a society have forgotten the simplest of all social rules: the golden rule.

i know everyone is busy, everyone is tired, and apparently lazy, but it doesn't take that much time and energy to be considerate, does it?

so i left the grocery store feeling more and more like a crazy person.  but after a week of things breaking (i.e. ripped bed sheets, faulty internet, ac leaking water and mold underneath a closet area...etc) it's so easy to be angry and feel hopeless, even if it is about things that shouldn't matter all that much.  but at the end of the day, we live where we live, and if it isn't a good environment, it makes us want to go away and do things and going away to do things (i.e. eating out, road trips, etc.) costs money that we don't have.

so i don't have any big time revelations after today, except that from now on i will be bagging my groceries myself. 

as for the other stuff, i guess it's just about priorities,  and i would rather have a fun night out with jesse, than a working ac unit in my car when it's almost fall anyway.

holy crap, it's almost fall!

here and now and healing

.

"All winter we got carried away...

 ...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends...          -(Coldplay)
                                              
the past 2 months have been hard. very hard.  if you are reading this, you probably know why, so i won't go into detail about what happened with my family. but the stress of it all has given me a bit of depression and lack of desire for most everything...including writing.   

so, i am not writing this out of self-pity, but rather, because i am finally starting to feel a bit like myself again.  and not because the "situation" is resolved, but because i am finding out certain truths about myself and about life. truth #1: i don't have to be co-dependent.

i feel incredibly stupid admitting this, especially as a psych major, but i always had the wrong definition of "co-dependency" in my mind.  i just thought it was as simple as 2 people being joint at the hip and not being able to do anything without the other person being 100% involved.  well, that can be an outcome of co-dependency, but not necessarily the whole "kit and caboodle"  of it all.  i am learning the difference between sympathy, empathy, and co-dependency.  and i'm trying be who i am without letting my mood be completely reliant on the actions and mood of everyone around me.


"It has gotten to my head.
Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again..."           -(Sixpence None the Richer)


 also, i am learning about grief and loss. truth #2: someone doesn't have to die for you to go through the typical stages of grief.  because apparently, with the diagnosis of my therapist, those are the symptoms i show, based on previous and current events happening in my life. i am...someone who is dealing with loss. and hopefully, one day, i will have closure.



....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape
 And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape"             -(Coldplay)

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time to reflect & write

okay so first of all, holy cow. i haven't written anything since October. that is nuts, but life has been nuts, so to speak, with the Holidays and all that they bring. so i'm finally making time to write something, because i miss it, and finally have a day off with no present obligations or sickness holding me back.

right now life stands still for just a few hours.  i can clean again and prepare for more company. i can be grateful for time with family and friends, and thankful that i have enough family and friends to keep me preoccupied for more than just a day. i can reflect on recent tragic events; be thankful that the school shooting was not the school my sister teaches at, and that the shooting in central Pennsylvania affected my grandparents only by way of  that they knew a couple of the victims, but were not victims themselves. i can be sad that jesse's last living grandmother passed away before Christmas, but grateful she was put out of her misery, and grateful once again my grandparents are all still with us.  and  i can still be in my pajamas at 2 pm, and be happy we had a white Christmas, for the first time in years.

they say that Thanksgiving is the holiday to be thankful, but i think it should and want that to extend into Christmastime. speaking from experience, it's easy to get caught up in the materialistic-ness of the season.  as a person who loves to give gifts, it's easier sometimes, to give than receive. it's easy to not be grateful, because you spent so much time and money on "ONE DAY" it seems, and even thought it's not over it feels like it is.  it's always so easy to forget the real "reason for the season", and take time to just bless people by a kind word or a smile, when you have to go into work on a day that "the office is closed, but you live right across the street, so we need you to go in for a couple hours....". its easy to be frustrated when you make time to see almost everyone important in your life, but for some of them (e.g. parents & in-laws) it's either not enough time or the wrong time,  and your efforts to make them apart of your life don't always feel appreciated.

but i get today. i get to write today and reflect today and be thankful today and not work and not travel today.  it's very much needed. and too bad it's about half over. ;)

the next 3 weeks and weekends will be busy and hopefully joyful doing all of those previously mentioned things. and i'm looking forward to it.  but here's the thing; as good as it is to "keep looking forward", sometimes by doing that i forget to enjoy the present. and the present isn't all bad.  the present is what makes the past that i'm always so romantically nostalgic about.

so that's what today is for. and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth. and to quote one of my favorite "Coldplay" songs,


 "All winter we got carried away...

 ...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends...
....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape"




ALSO,

there are a lot of other things that i've been thinking about for the past 2 months off & on, and wanted to write about but just haven't made time.  so here are the topics, and you readers can decide the matter of my next online essay.(and perhaps I'll write about all of them, in time.)


"Maybe Freud was right; is everything phallic? Or is sex just exploited?"

"Why working with middle aged woman makes me feel inadequate."

"Being out of debt = more bills to pay?"

"My life in 5's- my top 5's in everything." (a re-edited sequel to "Sarah's  Top Ten" from a couple years ago)


So nothing too serious, just some musings from the girl who psychoanalyzes everything.

appreciating simplicity

i woke up thinking about my great aunt C, (or great aunt, once removed, to be exact).  i don't know why i was thinking about her, maybe because of a dream i had or something.  but regardless, she, whom i do not even have a relationship with, was on my thoughts.

last spring she was one of the people in Creston, IA to lose her home to the great tornado.  in fact, she didn't even have a basement to hide in, so not only was her home completely destroyed, but her body was violently thrown into the nearest ditch.  luckily, she was rescued and taken to the nearest hospital at the time.  she is lucky to be alive, but she will most likely never walk again. and she doesn't have a husband or family in town to care for her.

i never really talked about this with anybody outside of work.  one co-worker at the time shared stories about her son who was a freshman at SWCC and showed us pictures of all the destroyed dorms.

and maybe i'm thinking about all this because this weekend there were tornado warnings, or "watches" at the very least for southwest iowa.  and i prayed it would not hit the towns of the people i love.  i suppose that's the risk you take when you live in the midwest.  but the thought still pokes at me; while my great aunt was getting tortured, i was in the basement of a church in central iowa, celebrating the nuptials of a good friend.

perhaps i'm feeling guilty.  i've had lots of selfish thoughts & desires of late, some completely validated, some...not so much.  and while that's "human", i feel it can't go without saying that i am truly grateful for the life that i have.  i haven't had my home destroyed by tornadoes or fire; i haven't lost anyone i've truly loved, with the exception of a great grandmother & another great aunt over 10 years ago.

and now, i suppose i'm getting to that age where one starts to consider the fact that not only are their parents getting older, but so are their grandparent's, if they still have them around.  my pap pap's life is a guessing game every day.  in a few weeks he will undergo bone marrow transplant surgery- a very risky procedure involving stem cell rejuvination, because, well, it's necessary and the last resort at this point.  he's had a very rare blood disease (aplastic anemia) as well as two bouts of lyme disease, because an outdoorsman he will always be.  and this surgery he's having is all after chemo and radiation to kill his own existing stem cells.

i don't know all the medical jargon or all the details, but the truth is i'm scared.  jesse & i were planning a vacation out in pennsylvania to see him & my grammy this fall, but with all that's going on he has to be in isolation and needless to say, the time when i feel most necessary to see him (just in case he passes), is the time when i can't.

it sucks. it totally does. but alas, this is life right?

and the past week i've tried to find joy in the little things, and not get so caught up with all the ickiness.  just yesterday, we were enjoying brunch at I-Hop, (a monthly tradition, at least) and these 5 things caught my attention:

*a blind man and woman, with their helpers
*a little boy in a batman costume
*a man from the apartments across the street was smoking, meanwhile chasing & playing with dog
*a couple kissing in their car
*a little boy missing his two front teeth, wheezing and laughing with his sister

and for some odd reason, i felt connected with these people.  at the very least, they caught my attention and made me smile & find joy in life's everyday moments. because everyone has a story, everyone has pain. but within those shared moments and experiences, lies joy. it's finding beauty in simplicity, i believe. and there's beauty all around us, and reasons to be grateful, if we just open our eyes.

10 facts, and the rest of what's in my head

10 facts:

1) i just realized i haven't written since August, and here it is, less than a week away from October. holy cow.

2) i have been kind of sick for the past few days :(

3) i miss certain friends so much it almost hurts.

4) i cannot wait until jesse & i go on our quasi-vacation in just a few weeks!

5) political commercials are super annoying, and i'm so ready for the election to be over i almost don't care who wins.

6) last weekend i cleaned the garage & did 6 loads of laundry & brought all my plants inside (yay for fall!)

7) i get goosebumps when i have my ipod on shuffle and suddenly one of my favorite songs starts playing. 

8) i haven't slept well in almost a month now.

9) i decided yet again i should start looking for a good therapist in the greater Des Moines area.

10) cheese is the best food. there, i said it. :)




part 2



okay. so my undergrad college has been calling/soliciting me & my live in partner for 3 days in a row now. it's funny- we always know it is them because it's a 712 area code number, and they call one of us exactly 2 minutes before the other one.  well, tonight they finally decided to leave a voicemail to tell me they will be mailing me some information about the "give more, get more" program or something like that.  and do you know what the first thought to come to mind was?  that when i was a pre-freshman at college, i actually applied to be one of those caller-people for my work study.  and i got rejected. 

and then, of course i spiraled.  i started thinking, not necessarily wallowing, just analyzing, about why time at NWC was such a bad time for me.  and i realized, its because before i went to college, i was a winner.  i got almost straight A's, i was involved in a lot of extracurriculars, i was fairly popular by my senior year of high school, and i wasn't just a band geek, i was a band champion. i got the highest honors & awards a band geek could get, including the John Philip Sousa award.

and then i went to college and i felt like a loser. i wasn't even good enough to be a liberal arts telemarketer, or an RA for that matter.  nope, instead, i was most qualified to scrub toilets and throw away dirty tampons.   and instead of being at the top of my class, i was horrified my senior year in realizing i missed one too many chapel days and had to take a special class with the other 5 delinquents and do community service as punishment. yep, true story.

so to sum up, i went from being in the babysitters club, to being in the breakfast club.  and as it probably goes without saying, not only does that make a person become slightly bitter, but it also makes one really evaluate themselves and takes a toll on your self-esteem.


none of this may really matter now, but as i look over certain choices i made about this or that, post college, or even about missed opportunities, because i was afraid of rejection, it doesn't sit very well with me.


every consequence has an action, but every action started as an effect of an even greater cause.

and for me, i still blame my parent's a little bit. mostly my dad.  no i DO NOT want to turn 30 and still have Daddy issues, but after an unforgettably tainted Labor Day weekend spent with my parents a can of worms was once again reopened and issues i thought weren't issues anymore came to the surface and since then i have, as i mentioned above, not slept well and have had stomach problems because of.

because lets face it, old dirty worms are gross. especially when you thought they were dead.

and now i'm just at the point where i'm trying to decide what to do about it.

do i do nothing, except bury them again and pretend they don't exist?

do i make a bad situation worse, and cut off certain ties, only to hurt some of the people i love the most?

do i seek professional help, because apparently no one else is willing to?

or do i continue to tread lightly, spending little to no time around this person that makes me feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and unhappy, all at once?

i don't always want to think about it, but it's not always voluntary, and repressing it has led to several health issues.  and also problems in other areas of life.

i don't know how many people know what it's like to fall back into the shadows, while it seems that your friends are being illuminated, in all their successes, and talents, and accomplishments, or at the very least "cultural milestones" in life.  and not because their lives are perfect, but because they are apparently better at coping with the bad things and rising above them than i am.

i used to be so fearless. i used to not embarrass easily.  i used to be the center of attention and the life of a party. 

now i've stepped back and become a wallflower receptionist . i used to want to help people....but of course that failed too, because apparently i am the one who needs help. i mean, how can you tell people how to live well, when you yourself don't know? whatever i say would be hypocritical it seems.  i know it's all a matter of perspective, but this is mine, and maybe one i failed to share before for fear of being judged as crazy or self-victimizing.

i have a good life.  i am content, for the most part.  and i am mature enough to realize everyone has past demons, and things they wish maybe went differently.   but i'm also honest enough to say hey!  really?  why was i only good enough to clean up other people's shit?!   it does something to a person, it really does.


in addition:


i'm really getting tired of work bs (which i know happens everywhere) but lately, and especially today, has made me want to quit my job.  but if i do, i will be left on a ledge, having 15, yes 15, past jobs and becoming more and more like my dad for not willing to suck it up & deal with it.

now i know there's a fine line between a well thought out 2 weeks notice, amd just storming out of an office because someone made fun of your hat, but it still scares me to see any slight reflection of this man inside me.

also- i know that a lot of those jobs were silly part time things between high school & college, so they don't really count.  and i know that today was just a bad day.  but i don't know if i can ever be one of those people who can say, "yes, i lived in the same house for 65 years, was married for 60, and worked at the same place for 35 of those 65 years."

i kind of wish i was, but it's not me. i just can't see it.

and at this point i don't know what's worse; constantly looking over the fence for grass that is greener?  or taking a risk & jumping over it only to find yourself in a pile of mud.

jesse always says it's not what you do 8-5 that matters in the scheme of life, but what you come home to that matters.  in that respect, this all feels very silly.

but 40 hours a week is still a lot of time to "not matter". because, in the end, it always does. whether you want it to or not.

and it doesn't help that even Biblical promises are contradictory, if i had nothing else to go to but that for guidance.  should i "press on toward the goal!" (Philippians 3:14) or should i "be content with what i have?" (Philippians 4:11-12).  both pieces of advice come from the same book of the Bible for crying out loud! no wonder i'm so confused!


conclusion:

(wow. this was a long post. i'd be suprised if anyone made it all the way to the bottom.)

also-don't worry about me too much. i'm really okay- but this is what i do.  i feel, i think, i analyze.  now if i could just know all the answers, i'd be in great shape!

but i suppose, sometimes not knowing is what connects us all as humans :)

woman of faith

i believe in God, or at the very least, the "best" in humans.  i believe in the devil, or at the very least, the "worst" in all humans.  i believe in natural consequences. i believe that we are all connected; we being animals, ecosystems, humans. i believe things happen for a reason, even if that reason is pure coincidence.  i would like to believe in a supernatural Deity who hears our prayers and sometimes intervenes for the better.  i have had certain experiences that have led me to once again get closer to believing this.

sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling.  but other times this happens:

a few weeks ago i was having a normal day.  i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was?  one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago.  and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!)  and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears.  seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad.  but it evoked a world in me.  a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced.  all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger.  he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well.  all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.

so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference.  i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy.  i felt such joy!

and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.


this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister.  they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now.  maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal.  but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)

and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went.  it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!)  but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.

yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello."  and it is him.  he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.

i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life.  it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.

one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy!  that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.

and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.

the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight.  and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.

and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.

He found me before it was too late.

it's not that i have nothing to say...

...it's just that i've been too busy and too tired to say it.

i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced.  i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again.  i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?

and other thoughts like that.

i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical.  i've been, well, me.

i've had lots of good days, mostly.  and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.

because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?

after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?

and that's kind of where i am right now.  NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.

why fix something that isn't broken, right?

why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?

why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?

why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?

why pay all my bills on time and never have fun?  i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.

i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much.  it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life.  sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for.  i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)

maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.

the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes.  and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.

it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged.  i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!

and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out.  if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix.  if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i.  because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there.  but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right?  the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure.  but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.

i don't want to be the latter.  and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.

rare finds

when i was a child, i loved stickers. and with stickers, came sticker books. one of my favorite sticker books had several pages with a different category on each page, such as "Animals" or  "Weird Shapes" and even had pockets in which to place your leftover collection.  on one of the pages, the category was "Rare Finds."  i remember going up to my mom and asking her what "Rare Finds" meant. she told me it meant the really tiny accent stickers on a sheet of stickers, because those were, well, rare.  and so i filled the "Rare Finds" page up with bugs and flowers and small hearts and stars.

now that sticker book is hidden away somewhere, with most of my other childhood memorabilia.  and i don't know if it's the fact that it's Memorial Day weekend, or that i got to see some old friends & family recently, but whatever the case, it got me reminiscing about people and places, and well, things from my past.

sometimes, it's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you feel nothing is going right in your life. it might be regarding a job that isn't ideal, or certain relationships that aren't what you think they should be.  it might be just a day where you spill on your clean shirt, you step in a pile of mud, you forgot to put make-up on, and you didn't have time to shower. maybe someone close to you passed away.  maybe someone is consistently disrespecting you and you can't shake it.  maybe you can't seem to get ahead, financially. or maybe, you just feel sad for no reason.

but then, all of a sudden, if your lucky and you wait for it, you'll have "the moment".  a moment of peace and clarity, where you realize everything IS as it should be and you have so many wonderful people in your life (and in your house) who are so beautiful - inside & out - and talented and, for whatever reason, want to spend time with you!  and then you realize, wow. that's the stuff that really matters. that's the stuff it's easy to forget about and take for granted.  and those are the real moments of life to savor.  those rare occasions when everything is going right. those moments when you laugh so hard your face hurts.

those are the times of life that are truly "rare finds".  i may not be able to capture it all with the lens of a camera, or the ink of a pen. but i get to remember them, and hold them close.

3 facts of life

1) this was weekend 8, out of 8 weekends in a row we were doing things. and i'm so glad next weekend we can do nothing (and or everything...like laundry). life has been good, but way too busy for my taste.

2) i also enjoy a good excuse to stay at hotels. although they are usually overpriced, for me a hotel equals: a bed big enough for both of us, a room that i don't have to clean, and usually a swimming pool! (which is more exciting than our gym swimming pool/hot tub area...because there you have to pretend like you're working out or something :) )

3) i appreciate open bars at weddings. and just an fyi, i think jimmy johns is the perfect hangover food.

i blame daylight savings

okay, so the last few weeks have been shitty. lots of good moments have happened despite the shitty, but it hasn't been easy. and it all started the same weekend as daylight savings time. i know it's only an hour to "spring ahead" but having to wake up in darkness each day really affects me. and then other bad things happened...

thing 1) jesse had to work the overnight shift for 3 weeks. which means, i get to see him for 2-3 hours after work each night. and i can't call/text him during the day if i have any news of any kind because he's asleep. doable, but this means we couldn't even watch a movie by the time supper was ready because there wouldn't even be enough time to finish it. when he got home, i was waking up and super grumpy. when i got home: vice versa.


thing 2) to make a long story short, something bad happened at work. and because of this a *girl* has been giving me the silent treatment for about 2 weeks now. this particular co-worker can hold a grudge longer than a camel can hold it's bladder, to put things in perspective. and other co-workers have encouraged me that i did the right thing, and it can only get better from here. but at the same time, they're not the people who have to sit next to her all day, 5 days a week! needless to say, it's getting pretty unbearable.


thing 3) this weekend we went down to see my family to celebrate birthdays and palm sunday. and this is the 6th out of 8 weekends in a row we've dedicated to visiting or hosting people we love. but even though we love them, we're ready for a weekend just to ourselves, especially combined with the jesse overnight situation. anyway...all i wanted was a pleasant weekend with my family, away from the woes of work situations. well, long story short, once again, my *sister* & i ended up getting in a huge fight last night. in my opinion, we don't see or talk to one another enough to afford getting in a fight, big or small. and i also hate drama. i know sometimes it's inevitable, especially with family, but this time it was SO unnecessary. and it was such a slap in the face, after i gave her such a nice gift and was nothing but nice to her all day long.


so as you can assume, i'm pretty much exhausted. when we got home this afternoon, i took a nap. after i woke up, i worked on my new budget for the next few months, because even though i'll never have enough (it seems) that's one thing in life i can actually control. and other than this blog post, i tried not to dwell on the icky things in life.

trying to tell myself tomorrow's a new day, but i know not *everyone* might have that same perspective.

sometimes we feel like this

.
.
"Lost at Sea" By Guster (my favorite band)

Home
I'm livin' alone
I'm starin' at the waves
I'm drinkin' in the gasoline

Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Walking in my sleep
Dreamin' of the major leagues

And who's been calling my name
Is it me, or's it getting darker in this town

You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked and surrounded by the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on.
Waiting for the land to come again

Alone, I'm drinkin' alone
I'm walkin' in the weeds
I'm sinkin' in a submarine

Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Trippin' on my feet
Singin' in a minor key

Is it true I will find a way
And I know
That's the biggest joke in town

You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked as we struggle in the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come again

You know, you know, we're all just castaways
Suspended on a line between the dark blue and the gray
But something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come we're waiting for our ship to come
Waiting for it all to come again

this weekend

was good. is good.

it's march; the air feels different. even though slight allergens are creeping in my open windows, so is the freshness that makes me breathe better.

rj (the initials i've decided to refer to my sister & brother-in-law) came up friday night and stayed most of saturday with us. we played games, watched a couple movies, ate some good food, you know- the usual as when you have company come to visit. although, i think my favorite part of the day was when i accompanied my sister to a seminar for playing percussion (in a worship band setting). this took place inside a mega-church here in dm. so of course it ended up being a bit superchristainy. e.g.- one of the leader's first comments was, "I'm taking for granted that you all love Jesus. and well, if you don't, come see me afterwords." and while it was not all that suprising to hear, i of course, was slightly offended. and not because i'm one of those scoudrels who slipped in that doesn't love Jesus, but because in that one comment he made, several implications were made as well. like...
* "what are you doing here if you are not a christian?"
* "well, i guess it's fine if you're attending to learn about drumming techniques, but make sure before you leave that you change your life perspective as well."
and lastly,
* "i have to say things like this, because if i don't, then the other people in the room will start doubting my christianity."

and really, it's all too familiar for my taste. it all seems scripted and old and tired and for a group of people who, like i said, are attending this for worship band purposes, it just seems obnoxious to me for him to throw a comment out there like that.

now, on the other hand, he did have a lot of good tips and rudimentals to offer the crowd. and i appreciated a lot of other things he had to say, especially about serving people in playing music. because, well, i've been there.

but for some reason, his other comment(s) just rubbed me the wrong way. and sometimes you have to write about silly things that offend you in order to stop being offended.

but like i said before, it was probably my favorite part of yesterday. why? because i got to be "alone" with my sister for an hour & a half. we didn't have any great conversations, or do anything life changing, much to the leader's dismay, i'm sure- (haha. sorry, had to throw that one out there)- but we were together. and i haven't been with my sister that long, uninterrupted, since we were kids. and it was so nice.

and today, i slept in, which was also so nice. sorry, didn't go to church today since apparently i did yesterday. :)

and now, i think i will go make some french toast.

what happened in late February (and early March)

two weeks before today:

I was stressed....
...by trying to get 17 loads of laundry done before leaving for our winter vacation. and only succeeding in doing 12. i'd say that's pretty good though.

I was social....
...my mom came up for a 2 day visit, to make us supper, and well, just because. it was nice. and then we left for Colorado for the 2nd time since September. are we rich? no. but we miss our friends, and found cheap plane tickets.

I was full...
...as per vacation, whether short or lengthy, means eating good food and LOTS of it. i have no regrets, other than a slight worry that my stomach has enlarged.

I was loved...
...by realizing my significant other doesn't want to get rid of me no matter how much time we spent next to each other. despite sitting side-by-side via plane & car ride, the night we arrived home we once again sat side-by-side on the couch and watched some tv while holding hands. maybe it was more to cope as i had to go to work the next day. but hey, it still counts ;)

I was neglected...
...as it just so happens last Wednesday, March 1st, was my one year anniversary of working at my present job. which, for most who know me and my employment history of the past few years, is kind of a big deal. but apparently not to my boss. not only did she forget to acknowledge this (it is a small office, after all), but she also forgot to include my name on a check list to read a certain article. and you can assume how that made me feel.

I was happy...
...that i only had 2 and 1/2 days of work before another weekend. oh how i needed it. to go shopping with some tax refund money, unpack, do more laundry, and wrap presents for the upcoming 4 birthdays and 1 wedding/shower, in the next several weeks. yep, i'm getting prepared early.


its march now, and after 2 weeks of craziness (albeit, some of the craziness, was good!) for the next 7 weekends i will be booked. so it was super nice to have one just to myself, to reflect and be glad most of winter is over.

boobies

okay, so pardon the immediate pun, but i just read some revealing blog posts about modesty and gender stereotyping.

one writer talked a great deal about modesty, (http://nonprophetmessage.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/how-modesty-made-me-fat/ ) and how the need to cover up basically ruined her life. the need for her to not "be sexy" gave her an eating disorder, and she was underweight to avoid showing feminine curves. she talked about how being too modest can be as harmful to us women as being immodest- hence either side of the spectrum is all about influence and how we are representing our body to men. long story short, we should dress to be comfortable and happy, not in fear of or to call out the male sex drive.

my thoughts on this one:

well, i also grew up in a christian community that told us to embrace modesty. being a woman of great proportion in the mammary area, this wasn't always easy. i used to joke, "man, i even have cleavage in a turtleneck!" but mostly, my bodily concerns was that i was too big...everywhere. i still struggle in that area. in fact, if i've developed any disorder because of these concerns (or genetic misfortunes, if you will), i've developed a shopping disorder. i've spent a lot of money over the years trying to find cute clothes that flatter my body. and only a small percentage of all of those clothes have stayed in my wardrobe for longer than a few seasons. now, that's one soap box that i won't stay on too long. but, for the sake of the argument, i am a modest person in dress. you can ask my friends, outside of poolside time and special occasions (where i usually have to wear strapless dresses), i do my best to cover up the important parts. but does that mean i don't want to be sexy or attractive? of course not! i'm in a relationship with someone who i love, inside and out, and its requited. we have our blemishes, those little insecurities and things we'd like to change, but in general, we like how the other looks, and i don't want that to change! in fact, i find it hard to believe that women don't want to feel that way, outside of the small percentile who has had negative sexual experiences, including rape. point being: why is being modest vs. being sexy such a big issue? in asking that, i'm not trying to demean this woman's experience, or my own for that matter. but let me just say this: if getting dressed in the morning takes up that much emotional turmoil- then try to find the real root of the problem and deal with it. in the case of this blogger, she realized being too modest was keeping her from being her true self. my true self in relation to my clothing? i think that my style is cute, current, but not elitist in any way. i don't care about name brands. i don't care if my shirt was a $3 clearance find. what i do care about is if i like it, it fits, and it looks like "me", and if it's relevant to my lifestyle. (sidebar, if my lifestyle involved being controlled by a man in a polygamous relationship i may own nothing but turtlenecks that i shared with my "sisters". on the other hand, if i was single and trying to hook a man in an urban metropolis, i may have a large collection of "party" tops that were more revealing and inappropriate for work. i'd like to think i'm somewhere in between the two spheres)

and here's another thought- why does the term "modesty" always seem to be in relation to clothing?? modesty should be inclusive of a general character trait. for example, people who are modest aren't constantly bragging about their achievements. being too immodest in character, can mean chasing people away with arrogance, flashiness, and insincerity. being too modest in character on the other hand, can result in seeming shy, or worse yet, closed minded, un-opinionated, controlled by a set of rules, and generally just a person who's hard to relate to.

sometimes the two are completely separate, but more often than not, how we dress is a reflection of our personality and can even imply how open we are toward others. and putting the issue of modesty aside, say a person is too formal, or too informally dressed for a certain occaion. that can reflect apathy or even ignorance. but then again, that's all based upon the standards set by the person wearing the clothes measured against the standards made from the one judging the other person's appearance. my final remark?: don't be too critcial of either side. we're all hiding something, aren't we?


the second blog post i read, http://julieclawson.com/2012/01/04/what-it-is-is-beautiful/ also reflected on the modesty issue, but moreso discussed gender stereotyping. she had a picture of an ad (from the late 70's i believe?) with a little girl in overalls holding a structure she had built out of legos. and the writer, and others commenting on the post, stressed how awesome it was that the legos weren't purple or pink. there was much more detail that the post went into, such as letting her kids play with both "girl toys" and "boy toys" & letting them, to use the phrase once again, be their "true self".


my thoughts on this one:

i'm totally supportive. however i remember once upon a time, going to my best (girl) friends house when i was say, 9 or 10? and being so excited to play with her lego set that was pink and purple! i had never had anything like that. i also remember, about the same time in my life, playing at my friend Peter's house and loving playing with his "boy toys" that made all kinds of noises and were remote control operated, from trucks to certain video games.

i was a girly girl who loved boys and i wanted what i didn't have. i wore frilly dresses that i got dirty. i arm wrestled the boys i really wanted to kiss. i played tea party. i played power rangers. i enjoyed both sides of the fence equally.


so here's a question; if colors can reflect "boy" or "girl" in the realm of toys & hobbies, how about other areas of life? people don't see Halloween as a "boy" holiday because of the orange & black scheme, or Easter as a "girl" holiday because of the pastel colored eggs. and L.A. Laker's fans aren't considered feminine because their color's are purple and yellow, right? and because of this i don't know why people seem to complain about girls being forced to like pink and if they don't there's something wrong with them. and you know what's funny? out of all my girl best friends, i don't think any of them (over the age of 12, anyway) even liked the color. as we all grew into woman hood, we associate the color fondly not only with femininity, but with breast cancer awareness. but you know what else? men get breast cancer too.

and another point (since i seem to be jumping around quite a bit on this one)from my perspective, it seems that women have an easier time being androgenous than men do. if my childhood friend Peter wanted to play with my Barbie dolls, for example, his friends and parents possibly would have him pegged as "troubled".

and then those same people wonder why some others can't come to terms with their own gender and have to undergo reconstructive surgery?

all of this, all these issues about modesty and sex and what is gender appropriate is really just a media standby to play on the historical male/female instinctual and evolutionary developed desires.

watch tv. look for commercials advertising weight loss programs, cleaning products, clothing, and home design. with a few exceptions, these are mostly geared to advertise for women.

now look for commercials advertising outdoor grills, cars, beer, and sports. hmm...i wonder which gender these ads are geared towards?

now like i said before, there are always exceptions to every rule. my question is, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RULES???

and to go off on another tangent, a politically correct commercial will not only have men & women, but both genders of a race other than caucaisan in them. i was kind of disturbed today when i saw a commercial for a black dating website. i mean, really? isn't that backwards racism? and now we have to have a token "gay" guy in every sitcom. which, don't get me wrong, i fully appreciate, and you can refer back to my "thoughts on being gay" post from June of last year. but at the same time, really? making it that obvious is kind of a backwards way of saying something is still an issue that shouldn't be! we're all equal!

but, what remains, is that basic media influences are a cause of this learned behavior. that's really the best name for it. and unfortunately, sometimes trying to move forward, makes new issues out of old ones. we're all human, but i'm a typical "girl" by standard. and my boyfriend is a typical "boy" by the same.

and that doesn't mean we aren't open minded or don't appreciate the other. that just means, with what nature and nuture has given us, that's kind of how we turned out.

but we love people. and i can only speak for myself on this one, but isn't love just another word for understanding?

i think that's what it's all about. just trying to see things from another's perspective, and to understand where they come from.


(and to my fellow bloggers out there: for more help in the area of dressing, watch "What Not to Wear" on TLC. the hosts, Stacy & Clinton, have helped various women (& men) with a whole realm of issues. i like to think of them as therapists with really good taste :)

"a pleasant nightmare"

the title i used is words from the musical intro to a show i really like called "Suburgatory". you should watch it....but that's already getting beside the point.

anyway, the past couple days I've been uber sick. like having to change my pants, sick. it's been awful. and among other things that being sick does to a person, like waking up at an ungodly 5 am, it makes you have wierd dreams. at least, wierder dreams than i normally have.

and this most recent "pleasant nightmare" is one that I have to share before i can go back to sleep.

So, the plan was to meet in the middle, my friend Jimmy and I. He decided to use a couple jet packs to get back to Colorado. I was meeting him in Wyoming. (thinking back now, how is that meeting in the middle since I live in Iowa?) However, I must have used a jet pack too, because I could see what it felt like to descend from the clouds, and get dangerously close to the Rocky Mountain peaks. I tiptoed on treetops and was whisked by the wind almost into a couple lakes. When I finally landed safely in a valley, I spotted my friend. We started hiking in the direction of "home", wherever that was. We were in a bit of a clearing, but saw a passage of trees we had to pass through. Little did we know, lurking behind that passage of trees was a fully grown bengal tiger and female lion. And they sure didn't like the looks of us. So I pretended to be a cub and meowed like a little one, and the tiger kept following us. But soon enough we were out of their territory, unscathed & eventually we were back in surburbia Des Moines, in the 1960's, most likely in someone else's story. Perhaps someone my father's age. Or perhaps we just had traveled in time. After walking around different neighborhoods, all of the cats started following us. Luckily this time it was just domesitic housecats. I don't remember what happens then, but whatever the case, the cats took us back to a crime scene, by a lakeside movie theater. The boy hero had just discovered the homeless kids by the lake were turning into zombies by eating the raw fish. The boy hero had a girl sidekick, (kind of like Jimmy & I, so maybe it was us, in hindsight). But we had to kill all the zombie children. And it was sad, but it had to be done. I was nervous, because there was telltale blood on my white sneakers, so i threw them in the lake with all the bodies. (watching too much Dexter? my conscious mind wonders...) Then, to recover, like any child duo would, we went in to see a movie. The movie turned out to be a concert, which eventually turned out to be a religious gathering of family and college friends. My friend Lindsey was there (as she always is in many a wierd dream) and of course her brother that I've had a dream crush on for years. Before I knew it I was in the basement of the church, making clown faces with old toys and candy on a paper plate, apparently the Sunday School craft of that day, giggling from the attention I was receiving from this man.

and, well, that's the end I guess. maybe that's where my brain decided, okay that's the last straw. everything else up to the imaginary flirting is believable, but then it just gets surreal :)

i hope you enjoyed my dream journey. i haven't had that much imaginary fun since watching "Up!" or "The Lord of the Rings."

oh, and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. hope no one else is sick too!

what i'm thankful for

i so thankful i have a job. a real, good job, even on the bad days. after all, it's the first time in 3 years i haven't gotten "fired" from temporary employment. it's quite nice actually. my brain is starting to realize i don't have to freak out right about now.

i'm grateful for lots of other things as well, like having a boyfriend, who albeit wakes me up in the wee hours of the morning, but it's to kiss me goodbye as he has to work a tertiary split shift on yet another holiday. he tells me he loves me and is thankful for me. happy sigh.

i'm thankful that the weather here has been pretty mild so far. i'm thankful that my carbon emission has been significantly low since march, since i can walk to work. i'm thankful for lots of happy times with family lately. i'm glad for social gatherings, and getting to see people in a different light. i'm glad we have such a nice apartment...one we have to pay more for with a new lease, but one we will enjoy & grow into for the next few years to come. i'm glad i don't work in retail on this "Black Friday". and i'm glad for lots of yummy food and recipies i'm about to eat and try this month. i'm thankful for a hand-me-down christmas tree, and getting time to decorate this weekend. i'm grateful my plants aren't all dying, since i brought them inside this fall. i'm thankful i got to take a nap today. and i'm thankful as always, that i can express myself, whether on this blog journal or elsewhere. it's kind of nice :)

my high school nemesis

in junior high, when i moved to my "hometown" she was best friends with the girl i wanted to be best friends with.

in high school, when all i wanted was a boyfriend, or at least a date for prom, it was her who was in a semi-serious relationship.

in college, she went to Africa. it had been my lifelong dream to go to Africa.

and today, she just announced the birth of her firstborn boy- named Asher. and, indubitably, Asher is the name that my boyfriend & I had decided on a few years ago on for our firstborn boy, partially because it was so unusual.

now granted, i am not pregnant, nor will i be for the forseeable future. however, after this news, i only have one comment:

are you freaking kidding me right now?!?!

after 100 posts, someone dies

okay i just read my title and that sounds really cheesy, like some one-liner from a horror movie. and because of what i'm about to say, it sounds really tacky and insensitive. but it's the truth.

because this is my 100th blog post. and because yesterday, Jesse's grandmother passed away. as sad as it was to hear, it was also something that had been expected after several years of health problems. and to make a long story short, she was given 2 weeks to live back in May after having a stroke, so when we saw her on our vacation in September, it was a miracle that she was still alive.

it was a short visit, but one i'm so glad we got to make before she passed. for jesse, it's good he got to see her one last time, and for me, well, i'm just glad i got a chance to meet her after 6 years of being with my man.

yesterday was a really sad day. i did a lot of thinking and pondering; about life & death, about what is the right thing to do/say in a situation like this, and mostly, just being grateful it wasn't a member of his immediate family, or one of my loved ones, for that matter.

i guess i should consider myself lucky- i haven't had anyone that close to me die. the closest i had was a great aunt, and an elderly family friend.

jesse, however, has had 2 out of 4 sets of grandparents pass, as well as classmates, and a cousin that was his age died a couple years ago from diabetes. and because he's a guy and i'm your typical emotional girl, i handle these things worse than he does. he suffers silently, while i cry and blog and make resolutions, etc.

the thing is, even though i didn't know his grandparents very well, when i met them they were the personified old man & woman characters from the "Up!" movie... they even had a dog they took outside specifically just to chase squirrels. and they reminded me of what jesse & i might be like at that age...grumpy old man and social old woman who entertains guests despite oxygen tubes running the length of her house. basically, jesse's grandpa is a curmudeon of a man who cared for nothing at all except his lady Lois, and i'm afraid he will crumble now. i'm afraid his own life won't last long after this.

back in September, while eating jimmy johns in their small kitchen and listening to stories of little boy Jesse, i decided i loved them. because love doesn't have to be a grand gesture, or a physical passion, or even something that comes with years of knowing someone. i believe love can be about simply feeling connected to someone, even someone you barely know.

but bad things happen, timely or otherwise. and life, well, life still goes on. but i just thought something should be said. because i guess, somewhat narcissitically, i hope someday someone does the same for me. and also, because when death takes someone i am really close to, i might not have the ability to say something. or eat. or sleep. or even muster up the courage to say goodbye.

but this time, i can. so, goodbye Lois; you were loved and you will be missed. and for whatever it may be worth, you affected me.

i've had it with Brittany

no not the pop star, although the character from Glee i'm talking about did a great rendition of Miss Spears in an episode from Season 2.

but the character Brittany from Glee...i've had it with her. i don't know what the show's writers are thinking but season 3 is making headway and even though i enjoy the show, i find myself very frustrated to say the least that none of the characters have grown up; especially Brittany.

if you haven't seen the show, she takes your stereotype of "ditsy blonde cheerleader" to a whole new level. last year, her fellow Glee-mates had to play along when she believed in Santa. and in the latest episode she believed leprechauns were real and told this new foreign exchange student from Ireland - which she believed to be a leprechaun - that she would give him her "pot of gold" if he granted her 3 wishes.

the first thing about this that bothers me is her sexual life and all these innuendos on what's supposed to be a show for high schoolers. imagine if you will, an 8 year old bisexual. this is who i feel she's portraying with her elementary level of knowledge and her teenage hormones. she's constantly getting in to bed with someone, more often than not her best friend and ball & chain Santana. now, I really dislike Santana's character. to be blunt, she's a flat out bitch. and in my opinion, she only "loves" Brittany because she can control her because Brittany is so dumb.

and getting back to the whole "dumb" issue, this is where i really have the problem. if Brittany were real, she would be a teenager with developmental disabilities, aka special needs. her character makes Sue Sylvester's down syndrome minion Becky look like Albert Einstein.

what i find ironic about the whole thing is that the actress who plays Sue Sylvester's character, has not only become a nationwide symbol of who not to be in the show as well as several commercials, but is also involved in a campaign against offensive slang, such as the saying "that is retarded" or "that is gay", or any other racial slur for that matter. and also on the latest episode, Sue claims one reason she's running for office is to promote more special needs programs in schools because of her mentoree Becky and her deceased sister, who also had down syndrome.

so my question is, how is it not hypocritical of them to believe that, and yet have a girl on the show who is at a 3rd grade level mentally and not in special needs classes or getting the help she needs? and when people do tell Brittany the truth, e.g.- Santa Claus & Leprechauns don't exist, it's out of frustration rather than friendly honesty. and it's continually implied that her character is comic relief. but to me, her lack of mental faculty isn't funny, it's sad. and i'm rather sick of it.