10 facts, and the rest of what's in my head

10 facts:

1) i just realized i haven't written since August, and here it is, less than a week away from October. holy cow.

2) i have been kind of sick for the past few days :(

3) i miss certain friends so much it almost hurts.

4) i cannot wait until jesse & i go on our quasi-vacation in just a few weeks!

5) political commercials are super annoying, and i'm so ready for the election to be over i almost don't care who wins.

6) last weekend i cleaned the garage & did 6 loads of laundry & brought all my plants inside (yay for fall!)

7) i get goosebumps when i have my ipod on shuffle and suddenly one of my favorite songs starts playing. 

8) i haven't slept well in almost a month now.

9) i decided yet again i should start looking for a good therapist in the greater Des Moines area.

10) cheese is the best food. there, i said it. :)




part 2



okay. so my undergrad college has been calling/soliciting me & my live in partner for 3 days in a row now. it's funny- we always know it is them because it's a 712 area code number, and they call one of us exactly 2 minutes before the other one.  well, tonight they finally decided to leave a voicemail to tell me they will be mailing me some information about the "give more, get more" program or something like that.  and do you know what the first thought to come to mind was?  that when i was a pre-freshman at college, i actually applied to be one of those caller-people for my work study.  and i got rejected. 

and then, of course i spiraled.  i started thinking, not necessarily wallowing, just analyzing, about why time at NWC was such a bad time for me.  and i realized, its because before i went to college, i was a winner.  i got almost straight A's, i was involved in a lot of extracurriculars, i was fairly popular by my senior year of high school, and i wasn't just a band geek, i was a band champion. i got the highest honors & awards a band geek could get, including the John Philip Sousa award.

and then i went to college and i felt like a loser. i wasn't even good enough to be a liberal arts telemarketer, or an RA for that matter.  nope, instead, i was most qualified to scrub toilets and throw away dirty tampons.   and instead of being at the top of my class, i was horrified my senior year in realizing i missed one too many chapel days and had to take a special class with the other 5 delinquents and do community service as punishment. yep, true story.

so to sum up, i went from being in the babysitters club, to being in the breakfast club.  and as it probably goes without saying, not only does that make a person become slightly bitter, but it also makes one really evaluate themselves and takes a toll on your self-esteem.


none of this may really matter now, but as i look over certain choices i made about this or that, post college, or even about missed opportunities, because i was afraid of rejection, it doesn't sit very well with me.


every consequence has an action, but every action started as an effect of an even greater cause.

and for me, i still blame my parent's a little bit. mostly my dad.  no i DO NOT want to turn 30 and still have Daddy issues, but after an unforgettably tainted Labor Day weekend spent with my parents a can of worms was once again reopened and issues i thought weren't issues anymore came to the surface and since then i have, as i mentioned above, not slept well and have had stomach problems because of.

because lets face it, old dirty worms are gross. especially when you thought they were dead.

and now i'm just at the point where i'm trying to decide what to do about it.

do i do nothing, except bury them again and pretend they don't exist?

do i make a bad situation worse, and cut off certain ties, only to hurt some of the people i love the most?

do i seek professional help, because apparently no one else is willing to?

or do i continue to tread lightly, spending little to no time around this person that makes me feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and unhappy, all at once?

i don't always want to think about it, but it's not always voluntary, and repressing it has led to several health issues.  and also problems in other areas of life.

i don't know how many people know what it's like to fall back into the shadows, while it seems that your friends are being illuminated, in all their successes, and talents, and accomplishments, or at the very least "cultural milestones" in life.  and not because their lives are perfect, but because they are apparently better at coping with the bad things and rising above them than i am.

i used to be so fearless. i used to not embarrass easily.  i used to be the center of attention and the life of a party. 

now i've stepped back and become a wallflower receptionist . i used to want to help people....but of course that failed too, because apparently i am the one who needs help. i mean, how can you tell people how to live well, when you yourself don't know? whatever i say would be hypocritical it seems.  i know it's all a matter of perspective, but this is mine, and maybe one i failed to share before for fear of being judged as crazy or self-victimizing.

i have a good life.  i am content, for the most part.  and i am mature enough to realize everyone has past demons, and things they wish maybe went differently.   but i'm also honest enough to say hey!  really?  why was i only good enough to clean up other people's shit?!   it does something to a person, it really does.


in addition:


i'm really getting tired of work bs (which i know happens everywhere) but lately, and especially today, has made me want to quit my job.  but if i do, i will be left on a ledge, having 15, yes 15, past jobs and becoming more and more like my dad for not willing to suck it up & deal with it.

now i know there's a fine line between a well thought out 2 weeks notice, amd just storming out of an office because someone made fun of your hat, but it still scares me to see any slight reflection of this man inside me.

also- i know that a lot of those jobs were silly part time things between high school & college, so they don't really count.  and i know that today was just a bad day.  but i don't know if i can ever be one of those people who can say, "yes, i lived in the same house for 65 years, was married for 60, and worked at the same place for 35 of those 65 years."

i kind of wish i was, but it's not me. i just can't see it.

and at this point i don't know what's worse; constantly looking over the fence for grass that is greener?  or taking a risk & jumping over it only to find yourself in a pile of mud.

jesse always says it's not what you do 8-5 that matters in the scheme of life, but what you come home to that matters.  in that respect, this all feels very silly.

but 40 hours a week is still a lot of time to "not matter". because, in the end, it always does. whether you want it to or not.

and it doesn't help that even Biblical promises are contradictory, if i had nothing else to go to but that for guidance.  should i "press on toward the goal!" (Philippians 3:14) or should i "be content with what i have?" (Philippians 4:11-12).  both pieces of advice come from the same book of the Bible for crying out loud! no wonder i'm so confused!


conclusion:

(wow. this was a long post. i'd be suprised if anyone made it all the way to the bottom.)

also-don't worry about me too much. i'm really okay- but this is what i do.  i feel, i think, i analyze.  now if i could just know all the answers, i'd be in great shape!

but i suppose, sometimes not knowing is what connects us all as humans :)