it's not that i have nothing to say...

...it's just that i've been too busy and too tired to say it.

i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced.  i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again.  i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?

and other thoughts like that.

i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical.  i've been, well, me.

i've had lots of good days, mostly.  and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.

because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?

after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?

and that's kind of where i am right now.  NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.

why fix something that isn't broken, right?

why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?

why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?

why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?

why pay all my bills on time and never have fun?  i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.

i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much.  it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life.  sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for.  i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)

maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.

the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes.  and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.

it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged.  i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!

and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out.  if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix.  if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i.  because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there.  but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right?  the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure.  but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.

i don't want to be the latter.  and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.