woman of faith

i believe in God, or at the very least, the "best" in humans.  i believe in the devil, or at the very least, the "worst" in all humans.  i believe in natural consequences. i believe that we are all connected; we being animals, ecosystems, humans. i believe things happen for a reason, even if that reason is pure coincidence.  i would like to believe in a supernatural Deity who hears our prayers and sometimes intervenes for the better.  i have had certain experiences that have led me to once again get closer to believing this.

sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling.  but other times this happens:

a few weeks ago i was having a normal day.  i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was?  one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago.  and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!)  and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears.  seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad.  but it evoked a world in me.  a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced.  all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger.  he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well.  all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.

so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference.  i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy.  i felt such joy!

and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.


this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister.  they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now.  maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal.  but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)

and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went.  it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!)  but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.

yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello."  and it is him.  he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.

i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life.  it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.

one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy!  that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.

and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.

the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight.  and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.

and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.

He found me before it was too late.