"We shall find peace.
We shall hear angels.
We shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds." -Anton Pavlovich Chekhov
“If we are not happy and joyous at this season,for what other season shall we wait and for what other time shall we look?” -Abdul-Baha
"It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love, or how you love, It matters only that You love." -John Lennon
"Deep peace of the winter solstice to you. Deep peace of the falling snow to you. Deep peace of the love of friends to you. Deep peace of the gentle deer to you. Deep peace of the moon and stars to you." -Author Unknown
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
the good, the bad, the ugly
the good: i got offered a job
i should start this wednesday
it's close to wear i live
the bad: its another temporary position
i've been a temp too long at a certain company and am in what they call a "6 month tenure of not being able to be a temp there" so i couldn't take the job that was previously offered me for two dollars more an hour
i'll be on the phones alot
the ugly:
yet another feeling of no choice in the matter, having to say yes to something unappealing because i need a paycheck no matter the 5 years i spent in college and not knowing what to do to get out of this rut because i am not financially stable enough to go back to school, nor do i want to
work with kids just to say i'm working with kids and get emotionally and pyschologically beaten up like i was 2 years ago.
aggghhh! there are no answers!
now i understand why some women choose to be stay at home moms.
i should start this wednesday
it's close to wear i live
the bad: its another temporary position
i've been a temp too long at a certain company and am in what they call a "6 month tenure of not being able to be a temp there" so i couldn't take the job that was previously offered me for two dollars more an hour
i'll be on the phones alot
the ugly:
yet another feeling of no choice in the matter, having to say yes to something unappealing because i need a paycheck no matter the 5 years i spent in college and not knowing what to do to get out of this rut because i am not financially stable enough to go back to school, nor do i want to
work with kids just to say i'm working with kids and get emotionally and pyschologically beaten up like i was 2 years ago.
aggghhh! there are no answers!
now i understand why some women choose to be stay at home moms.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
snow is falling
i've never been a big fan of snow, but as i look outside the window today i see something magical-serene- quiet. the fluffy snow sneaks on to my porch and covers my bike seat and mini-grill, as if to protect them for next summer.
having nowhere to go the past several days has really changed my perspective; on cold, on snow, on everything. the more peaceful i am and have become lately is a reflection of how sometimes its okay to sit and think. sometimes its okay to have a weeklong sabbath- and maybe i'm making up for lost time.
anyway, for the first time in a long time i am enjoying watching the falling snow and feeling safe, protected, and warm inside my cozy apartment. its nice to have a few moments to reflect before i once again "get down to business" and apply for more jobs, file for more deferrments, etc.
the snow has made everything white- a blank slate. a new beginning.
having nowhere to go the past several days has really changed my perspective; on cold, on snow, on everything. the more peaceful i am and have become lately is a reflection of how sometimes its okay to sit and think. sometimes its okay to have a weeklong sabbath- and maybe i'm making up for lost time.
anyway, for the first time in a long time i am enjoying watching the falling snow and feeling safe, protected, and warm inside my cozy apartment. its nice to have a few moments to reflect before i once again "get down to business" and apply for more jobs, file for more deferrments, etc.
the snow has made everything white- a blank slate. a new beginning.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
its officially a new month
since i don't currently have anywhere to be from 8-5, i stayed up until 4 am yesterday organzing, decorating, and wrapping presents for Christmas. yes, i already have some presents under my crooked, 3 1/2 foot tree ;)
job or not, its always been important to me to celebrate christmas. and it may seem a bit materialistic, but i love giving gifts. in fact, i'm disappointed when i can't give everyone what i think they deserve, and when for some old friends are "too mature to exchange more than a card." its not about the amount of money i spend or that i think i should, its just always been one of my love languages to give gifts- big or small. and i'm always wishing i could do more.
i have to remember that its not always the most important thing, but i also think that personally, especially this time of year, my priorities are "groceries - christmas - bills". and i realize that may be illogical and stupid and maybe even somewhat childish, but its who i am.
and at the risk of totally taking this translation of a translation of scripture out of context, i will quote it. because it was in the bulletin at church this past Sunday, and i couldn't help but use it for my antecdote this first week of December, and first week of being unemployed:
"Get wisdom- its worth more than money; choose insight over income every time."
Proverbs 16:16, The Message
job or not, its always been important to me to celebrate christmas. and it may seem a bit materialistic, but i love giving gifts. in fact, i'm disappointed when i can't give everyone what i think they deserve, and when for some old friends are "too mature to exchange more than a card." its not about the amount of money i spend or that i think i should, its just always been one of my love languages to give gifts- big or small. and i'm always wishing i could do more.
i have to remember that its not always the most important thing, but i also think that personally, especially this time of year, my priorities are "groceries - christmas - bills". and i realize that may be illogical and stupid and maybe even somewhat childish, but its who i am.
and at the risk of totally taking this translation of a translation of scripture out of context, i will quote it. because it was in the bulletin at church this past Sunday, and i couldn't help but use it for my antecdote this first week of December, and first week of being unemployed:
"Get wisdom- its worth more than money; choose insight over income every time."
Proverbs 16:16, The Message
Saturday, November 28, 2009
pink slip phone call
well- i got the somewhat anticipated -or should i say dreaded-voicemail last night. the call that ended my temporary employment with the dept i've been in for almost a year.
same month last year i got the same phone call, and yet it was still a sucker punch despite knowing how the corporate world/temp ageny works.
again- right before christmas.
so that's where i'm at. and hopefully not for very long.
same month last year i got the same phone call, and yet it was still a sucker punch despite knowing how the corporate world/temp ageny works.
again- right before christmas.
so that's where i'm at. and hopefully not for very long.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
2 of 2: places
don't judge me for posting twice in one day- ha- in one evening nonetheless!
i've talked about people i've spent time with recently. now i want to talk about places.
every year around the holiday season i think most people get nostalgic for home, wherever "home" may be. for me, the home i remember and want to go to is in Clarinda.
my family moved a lot when i was growing up, but Clarinda is where i spent most of my childhood/teenage years. 10 years to be exact. and even though it wasn't the least bit suprising when my family moved again, it was still sad for me. i can't complain too much, this was a few years ago, into my great aunt's old house only 30 minutes away from Clarinda, and i was in college at the time, but still. the Clarinda house is what i had considered home for the last decade of my life. i had drawn on my bedroom walls! my high school best friend lived on my block! i had climbed the trees in the front yard and sat on the roof outside my window!
everyone i know has had to move at somepoint in their life- whether it be to college for the first time, or to find a job post college, or have had a situation similar to mine and are trying to reach some stability in their adult life. everyone has a different set of homes or places familiar, and everyone knows how hard it is to move. not just physically, but in every other way imaginable. when you've made your house a home, when you've put your imprint on a place, no matter if the change is a good one, you are still leaving memories and a little part of your life behind.
a couple weeks ago, a good friend and i traveled down to Clarinda. she isn't from there, but we had been planning a day trip for a long time (partially to get the best Chinese food in the world) and there is a great spot in my hometown if you want perfectly cooked Sesame Chicken and the best crab rangoons ever made! we ate the yummy food-which was just as good as i remembered- and the woman who works at/owns the place still recognized me. such a good feeling! and after lunch we drove past my old house and was kind of amazed at how different it looks now.
its easy to give into nostaliga sometimes. and it also can be very therapuetic. but sometimes things-people- places- only remain perfect in our mind. and sometimes you're lucky and they're still just as good as you remember- like the chinese food ;)
in between pit stops and memory lane, there was much time for talking. my road traveling companion for the day has been thinking about buying a house. she wants a place of her own, to stop paying rent, and be free to remodel and decorate to her heart's content. she is still looking for a roomate though, and had asked if my boyfriend and i would be interested. for several reasons i had to turn her down. and whats funny is, i felt that i was in the same place she was about a year ago. our apt had flooded a couple summers ago and we were ready to find a new place immediately. of course, its always easier said than done and we soon just settled back into our current abode.
financial logic and then some, it wasn't feasible for us to move then, nor is it now. but i think beyond that, we've actually started a life here. and after our house hunting search last year, i still don't think i'm ready. there are several reasons why moving can be exciting, but our house has become a home over the years. and whenever we do move, that place will become our home too. but spring is the season for change, and right now i'm just ready to cozy up with a blanket in my old apartment- carpet stains and all.
i really love this place. it may not be Clarinda, it may not be brand new, and it may not have multiple bathrooms, but its ours. and i want to stay here for a bit longer.
i've talked about people i've spent time with recently. now i want to talk about places.
every year around the holiday season i think most people get nostalgic for home, wherever "home" may be. for me, the home i remember and want to go to is in Clarinda.
my family moved a lot when i was growing up, but Clarinda is where i spent most of my childhood/teenage years. 10 years to be exact. and even though it wasn't the least bit suprising when my family moved again, it was still sad for me. i can't complain too much, this was a few years ago, into my great aunt's old house only 30 minutes away from Clarinda, and i was in college at the time, but still. the Clarinda house is what i had considered home for the last decade of my life. i had drawn on my bedroom walls! my high school best friend lived on my block! i had climbed the trees in the front yard and sat on the roof outside my window!
everyone i know has had to move at somepoint in their life- whether it be to college for the first time, or to find a job post college, or have had a situation similar to mine and are trying to reach some stability in their adult life. everyone has a different set of homes or places familiar, and everyone knows how hard it is to move. not just physically, but in every other way imaginable. when you've made your house a home, when you've put your imprint on a place, no matter if the change is a good one, you are still leaving memories and a little part of your life behind.
a couple weeks ago, a good friend and i traveled down to Clarinda. she isn't from there, but we had been planning a day trip for a long time (partially to get the best Chinese food in the world) and there is a great spot in my hometown if you want perfectly cooked Sesame Chicken and the best crab rangoons ever made! we ate the yummy food-which was just as good as i remembered- and the woman who works at/owns the place still recognized me. such a good feeling! and after lunch we drove past my old house and was kind of amazed at how different it looks now.
its easy to give into nostaliga sometimes. and it also can be very therapuetic. but sometimes things-people- places- only remain perfect in our mind. and sometimes you're lucky and they're still just as good as you remember- like the chinese food ;)
in between pit stops and memory lane, there was much time for talking. my road traveling companion for the day has been thinking about buying a house. she wants a place of her own, to stop paying rent, and be free to remodel and decorate to her heart's content. she is still looking for a roomate though, and had asked if my boyfriend and i would be interested. for several reasons i had to turn her down. and whats funny is, i felt that i was in the same place she was about a year ago. our apt had flooded a couple summers ago and we were ready to find a new place immediately. of course, its always easier said than done and we soon just settled back into our current abode.
financial logic and then some, it wasn't feasible for us to move then, nor is it now. but i think beyond that, we've actually started a life here. and after our house hunting search last year, i still don't think i'm ready. there are several reasons why moving can be exciting, but our house has become a home over the years. and whenever we do move, that place will become our home too. but spring is the season for change, and right now i'm just ready to cozy up with a blanket in my old apartment- carpet stains and all.
i really love this place. it may not be Clarinda, it may not be brand new, and it may not have multiple bathrooms, but its ours. and i want to stay here for a bit longer.
lots of thoughts- some random
as i start to write i feel almost compelled to tears. its been quite a hellava two weeks. not in a bad way, but i've just experienced so many different thoughts and feelings as the holiday season encounters us, and now i finally get to relax for awhile.......and i'm actually feeling kind of lonely.
so maybe i'll write about everything, or maybe i'll just write what my fingers type.
today was Thanksgiving, and i have to say considering the past 2 thanksgiving's in my life have been horrible, God knows how grateful i am to say that today was blessed. my boyfriend and i actually hosted Thanksgiving dinner this year (even though my mom still did more than her fair share of work) and i can honestly say i have no complaints. and for those of you that know my family history, know that that is a miracle in and of itself. it was such a truly "good" day, in and out, that i was actually a little sad when it was time for everybody to leave. why can't the good days happen more often? but actually, in the life of my family & i, i've noticed that things are starting to calm down. there's still the obvious issues that will never go away, but i think that we are all growing up in a sense and realizing we can't change each other so we might as well cherish each other for who we are- no matter if we agree about certain things or not. and i also have to say-although this might be going out on a limb here- that i think Jesse & i have filled our apartment with so much love in the past 4 years that i think part of the reason for the good day we had is that guests feel welcome and peaceful in our home. at least i hope they do. we may not have nice furniture, or matching silverware, or a table big enough for 6, but we have opened up our home because that's what the holidays are all about right?
a couple days ago our close friends from CO came to visit. another truly wonderful encounter. i actually did cry that night, albeit briefly. it was one of those situations where i hadn't realized how much i had missed my dear friend until after the apron strings were tied and we were cooking together. if only there was more time! but oh well, i am thankful for the night we all did get to spend together, telling new stories and reminiscing.
and last weekend we went down to see Jesse's family to celebrate a Thanksgiving time with them. unfortunately i was sick last week, so by the time Saturday had rolled around i didn't even feel like going anywhere- and was slightly overwhelmed about all that i had to prepare for in the week to come.
but now that all my "thanksgivings" are over, i have to admit i've never felt so loved and i'm truly grateful. despite the hallmark tones embellished througout this post, i am so lucky to have so many people in my life that love me. i just wish i could give my friends and family far away a Thanksgiving hug too.
so maybe i'll write about everything, or maybe i'll just write what my fingers type.
today was Thanksgiving, and i have to say considering the past 2 thanksgiving's in my life have been horrible, God knows how grateful i am to say that today was blessed. my boyfriend and i actually hosted Thanksgiving dinner this year (even though my mom still did more than her fair share of work) and i can honestly say i have no complaints. and for those of you that know my family history, know that that is a miracle in and of itself. it was such a truly "good" day, in and out, that i was actually a little sad when it was time for everybody to leave. why can't the good days happen more often? but actually, in the life of my family & i, i've noticed that things are starting to calm down. there's still the obvious issues that will never go away, but i think that we are all growing up in a sense and realizing we can't change each other so we might as well cherish each other for who we are- no matter if we agree about certain things or not. and i also have to say-although this might be going out on a limb here- that i think Jesse & i have filled our apartment with so much love in the past 4 years that i think part of the reason for the good day we had is that guests feel welcome and peaceful in our home. at least i hope they do. we may not have nice furniture, or matching silverware, or a table big enough for 6, but we have opened up our home because that's what the holidays are all about right?
a couple days ago our close friends from CO came to visit. another truly wonderful encounter. i actually did cry that night, albeit briefly. it was one of those situations where i hadn't realized how much i had missed my dear friend until after the apron strings were tied and we were cooking together. if only there was more time! but oh well, i am thankful for the night we all did get to spend together, telling new stories and reminiscing.
and last weekend we went down to see Jesse's family to celebrate a Thanksgiving time with them. unfortunately i was sick last week, so by the time Saturday had rolled around i didn't even feel like going anywhere- and was slightly overwhelmed about all that i had to prepare for in the week to come.
but now that all my "thanksgivings" are over, i have to admit i've never felt so loved and i'm truly grateful. despite the hallmark tones embellished througout this post, i am so lucky to have so many people in my life that love me. i just wish i could give my friends and family far away a Thanksgiving hug too.
Friday, November 13, 2009
ninja warrior!
okay- don't laugh- but the title of my blog is the title of a reality show i like to watch with jesse.
now, most people who know me know that 1) i'm not a huge fan of reality tv (with a few exceptions including the former), and 2) i don't enjoy watching sports. so what is 'ninja warrior'? its a reality show where people in Japan compete against themselves and others in a 3 level obstacle course.
so why do i like it?
no good reason- i suppose its just one of those things that unexplicably sucks me in. in addition to the fond memories i have of living in Japan for a summer, watching person after person start running, making it through the first-then the next- obstacle after obstacle listening to a man shouting in Japanese over the loud speaker while reading it in English subtitles......my heart beats faster and i wonder, "will this guy make it through the 'jumping spider', or the 'warped wall', and can they do it all in 2 minutes time?"
there was one weekend where the boy and i watched this addicting show for almost 2 days straight (in between sleep, errands, and showering of course.) i felt a little silly, a little like a couch potato, and a little amazed that someone somewhere created something that my boyfriend and i both equally enjoy to watch.
i think the reason why this show is so different than a lot of reality tv, or sport footage, is that people aren't beating each other up (figuratively and literally). players are seeing how well they can do, how they measure up against themselves (as its 1 person going at a time). the contestants are proud of what they do for a living- no matter if they are a fireman or gas station attendant- so much so that they wear their uniform while running the course! people aren't arguing, or gossiping, or making hand gestures i don't understand....and its exciting! because in 'ninja warrior' you want everyone to win. you want the guy/girl who has tried 5 years in a row to finally beat his/her record. you want the person who looks silly to suprise everyone. and you kind of wonder, hmm....how long would i last?
anyway....i may be somewhat of a nerd. but check it out sometime, really :)
now, most people who know me know that 1) i'm not a huge fan of reality tv (with a few exceptions including the former), and 2) i don't enjoy watching sports. so what is 'ninja warrior'? its a reality show where people in Japan compete against themselves and others in a 3 level obstacle course.
so why do i like it?
no good reason- i suppose its just one of those things that unexplicably sucks me in. in addition to the fond memories i have of living in Japan for a summer, watching person after person start running, making it through the first-then the next- obstacle after obstacle listening to a man shouting in Japanese over the loud speaker while reading it in English subtitles......my heart beats faster and i wonder, "will this guy make it through the 'jumping spider', or the 'warped wall', and can they do it all in 2 minutes time?"
there was one weekend where the boy and i watched this addicting show for almost 2 days straight (in between sleep, errands, and showering of course.) i felt a little silly, a little like a couch potato, and a little amazed that someone somewhere created something that my boyfriend and i both equally enjoy to watch.
i think the reason why this show is so different than a lot of reality tv, or sport footage, is that people aren't beating each other up (figuratively and literally). players are seeing how well they can do, how they measure up against themselves (as its 1 person going at a time). the contestants are proud of what they do for a living- no matter if they are a fireman or gas station attendant- so much so that they wear their uniform while running the course! people aren't arguing, or gossiping, or making hand gestures i don't understand....and its exciting! because in 'ninja warrior' you want everyone to win. you want the guy/girl who has tried 5 years in a row to finally beat his/her record. you want the person who looks silly to suprise everyone. and you kind of wonder, hmm....how long would i last?
anyway....i may be somewhat of a nerd. but check it out sometime, really :)
Sunday, November 8, 2009
why?
why do people put their baby's picture up as their personal profile picture, in say, a venue like facebook? i mean, not a picture of them AND their baby, just their baby! have they lost their own personal idenity sooooo much that they can't be recognized as nothing more than a wife and mother?
Friday, November 6, 2009
its Friday, i'm in love
i don't really have anything to say.....just really glad its friday!!
i've had a tough past couple of weeks as i was helping out in a different dept. @ work- wondering if it would really be temporary as was promised- and the manager there was less than nice, to say the least. (and knowing horrible things about her from an ex-friend of hers made the situation much less bearable!!)
but the good news is i'm going back to my old dept. where i belong! or at least, more so than up on the 4th floor. without going into details, i thought about quitting on thursday.
thank God- it all worked out! sometimes you just need to calm down and give it a day.
if there's one thing that i believe, its that God will never give you more than you can handle. it may seem a bit cliche, but everytime i feel myself doubting, it proves true.
as far as work goes, i am sick of being a temp. i will have been a temp for 2 years come this january. and it sucks! unreliable benefits, no paid vacation, no sense of stability and getting left out of several 'work things' because i'm not a true employee....even though i do the same amount of work and put in a 40+ hr work week with the rest of them.
so the time has come where i once again am feeling the "dread." last year november was the time i was let go from my previous temporary employment. now counting this most recent transition, i have worked in a total of 4 different departments within the same company. 2 years, 2 separate interviews, and nothing. part of me says, "hopefully 3rd time's the charm." the other part of me says, get out before its too late and i'm without a job again.
so we'll see what happens. but for now i'm just happy i get to go back to a much friendlier environment, and not be on the phones all day anymore!
i've had a tough past couple of weeks as i was helping out in a different dept. @ work- wondering if it would really be temporary as was promised- and the manager there was less than nice, to say the least. (and knowing horrible things about her from an ex-friend of hers made the situation much less bearable!!)
but the good news is i'm going back to my old dept. where i belong! or at least, more so than up on the 4th floor. without going into details, i thought about quitting on thursday.
thank God- it all worked out! sometimes you just need to calm down and give it a day.
if there's one thing that i believe, its that God will never give you more than you can handle. it may seem a bit cliche, but everytime i feel myself doubting, it proves true.
as far as work goes, i am sick of being a temp. i will have been a temp for 2 years come this january. and it sucks! unreliable benefits, no paid vacation, no sense of stability and getting left out of several 'work things' because i'm not a true employee....even though i do the same amount of work and put in a 40+ hr work week with the rest of them.
so the time has come where i once again am feeling the "dread." last year november was the time i was let go from my previous temporary employment. now counting this most recent transition, i have worked in a total of 4 different departments within the same company. 2 years, 2 separate interviews, and nothing. part of me says, "hopefully 3rd time's the charm." the other part of me says, get out before its too late and i'm without a job again.
so we'll see what happens. but for now i'm just happy i get to go back to a much friendlier environment, and not be on the phones all day anymore!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
just an ordinary day
tonights activities have included:
1) organizing a bag of buttons while listenting to Regina Spektor.
2) decorating candles with ribbon and said buttons while Ani DiFranco shuffles on.
3) read through a friend's entire blog with posts since January.
now i think i'm ready to have some cereal for my supper and watch Friends.
1) organizing a bag of buttons while listenting to Regina Spektor.
2) decorating candles with ribbon and said buttons while Ani DiFranco shuffles on.
3) read through a friend's entire blog with posts since January.
now i think i'm ready to have some cereal for my supper and watch Friends.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
what i wanted to write about on Saturday (yesterday)
after a not so ideal lunch yesterday, i had a suprisingly good day spent with my mom today.
we made pumpkin bars and i learned her tasty recipie. we did our usual shopping for random things we 'needed', including halloween candy @ target ;) and without sounding too childish, its kind of nice having my mom come up because she usually buys me something when we go out together. not that i ask- its just her way of showing me love. sometimes its hard to accept knowing she struggles with money just as much or more than i do. but i appreciate it even more that way.
and when our time together was almost over, we took our old new purses (meaning they had been collecting dust waiting for us to switch over) and organized them together. i know this may seem unimportant and not very exciting, but it really made me happy.
and it was truly fulfilling to have at least one happy, sunny day with my mother. inside and out.
we made pumpkin bars and i learned her tasty recipie. we did our usual shopping for random things we 'needed', including halloween candy @ target ;) and without sounding too childish, its kind of nice having my mom come up because she usually buys me something when we go out together. not that i ask- its just her way of showing me love. sometimes its hard to accept knowing she struggles with money just as much or more than i do. but i appreciate it even more that way.
and when our time together was almost over, we took our old new purses (meaning they had been collecting dust waiting for us to switch over) and organized them together. i know this may seem unimportant and not very exciting, but it really made me happy.
and it was truly fulfilling to have at least one happy, sunny day with my mother. inside and out.
what i wanted to write about on Friday.
i don't want to be one of those people who always dreads seeing her family. i don't want to be one of those daughters that complains about her parents, or the sister who doesn't like her brother in law.
but life happens, and its hard to help not feeling what you really feel.
this year my bf & i decided to host Thanksgiving. i don't really know how that happened, but apparently we had taken a crazy pill and decided it would be a good idea.
truthfully though- with the millions of issues my family has, i thought that my apartment would be a neutral place; perhaps my mom wouldn't be as stressed out hosting it at her place, and my sister and her husband wouldn't have to worry about people sitting on their couches (another story another time). and since we live in a mid-size city, if people get cabin fever and want to go and do something, there are places to do such, unlike the small towns they are from. and also- my bf probably has to work that day. (also another story)
after lunching with my mom & sister today, we ended up "discussing" this idea. my sister doesn't know how her husband will feel about this, since apparently he thinks my bf doesn't like him. which- in manipulative woman speak means he doesn't really like my bf. and after numerous details put to my attention in less than an hour, i wanted to take it back. forget being hospitable, forget giving thanks.
i realize that may seem a bit overdramatic, but that is exactly this reason why i sometimes dread this time of year. everyone wants to be together and plan plan plan. but everyone wants to have their own way and do their own thing at the same time.
despite my hurt feelings i tried to let it go. i realize its easier said than done to split time with two families when you happen to have a significant other. and i will not force people to come celebrate if they don't want to or think being with other people that day is more important. i'm just sick of the same old story. i'm sick of not getting to spend more than 1 hour talking/being with my sister a month. and i'm sick of the same old immature bullshit being thrown in every direction ever since she got engaged.
just being honest here- maybe too honest. but if thats what its come down to then maybe its just not worth it to martha stewart it up this year.
but life happens, and its hard to help not feeling what you really feel.
this year my bf & i decided to host Thanksgiving. i don't really know how that happened, but apparently we had taken a crazy pill and decided it would be a good idea.
truthfully though- with the millions of issues my family has, i thought that my apartment would be a neutral place; perhaps my mom wouldn't be as stressed out hosting it at her place, and my sister and her husband wouldn't have to worry about people sitting on their couches (another story another time). and since we live in a mid-size city, if people get cabin fever and want to go and do something, there are places to do such, unlike the small towns they are from. and also- my bf probably has to work that day. (also another story)
after lunching with my mom & sister today, we ended up "discussing" this idea. my sister doesn't know how her husband will feel about this, since apparently he thinks my bf doesn't like him. which- in manipulative woman speak means he doesn't really like my bf. and after numerous details put to my attention in less than an hour, i wanted to take it back. forget being hospitable, forget giving thanks.
i realize that may seem a bit overdramatic, but that is exactly this reason why i sometimes dread this time of year. everyone wants to be together and plan plan plan. but everyone wants to have their own way and do their own thing at the same time.
despite my hurt feelings i tried to let it go. i realize its easier said than done to split time with two families when you happen to have a significant other. and i will not force people to come celebrate if they don't want to or think being with other people that day is more important. i'm just sick of the same old story. i'm sick of not getting to spend more than 1 hour talking/being with my sister a month. and i'm sick of the same old immature bullshit being thrown in every direction ever since she got engaged.
just being honest here- maybe too honest. but if thats what its come down to then maybe its just not worth it to martha stewart it up this year.
what i wanted to write about on Thursday
i got a working headset today at work. my life is officially exciting.
what i wanted to write about on Wednesday
the past two days have been unexpected.
my boyfriend's younger brother came to stay with us. he had called us last week, as he was going to be in town for a physical endurance test (pre-military training) and wanted to know if he could meet us for dinner. of course it was okay, and i was more than happy to host someone that i consider family myself. so much so- that when he said he was leaving for boot camp in a week i actually teared up.
those that know me, know that i'm definately not a huge fan of the armed forces. to be completely honest- i consider war defense a necessary evil. and although i'm often prone to have the same movie interests of a 12 year old boy at times, and always rejoice when they kill the 'bad guy', in real life i feel that it's very different. and i don't judge his brother for joining the Navy, but i'm having a hard time with the whole concept. not only am i afraid of him getting hurt or killed in the long run- especially since he eventually wants to become a navy seal- but i'm afraid of him changing.
as much as i hate stereotypes, i have to admit they were created because most often they hold true. this boy is not your typical 'military man'. he's had long shaggy hair for as long as i've known him. he giggles more often than he speaks. he's very quiet and non-abrasive. he wouldn't even spit out his opinion when we were picking out a movie to rent at blockbuster.
so not only do i worry about his safety (as any true female, quasi older-sibling would), but it just doesn't make sense to me. it makes sense that he wants to get away from home, and start a venture of his own. it makes sense that he doesn't want to go to the same college as his two oldest siblings, or become a mechanic like his dad, and brother he's been living with in small town Iowa for the summer.
needless to say- its hard being supportive. but of course- i didn't act this way. i asked questions, perhaps too many, but i figure most of the time when people disagree with things its because they don't understand them. and i don't want to be an ignorant hater. seeing him in person for a couple days at least reassured me that he didn't want to up and leave his friends and family just for the sake of 'getting away from it all'. this is something he really wants to do and who am i to stand in his way?
so i will be a good non-sister. i will send him carepackages and a card for christmas. i will try not to worry.
and for what its worth- it made me really happy that my boyfriend could spend some quality time with his younger brother before he left. i want my house to be a welcoming one. even if its on a week night!
my boyfriend's younger brother came to stay with us. he had called us last week, as he was going to be in town for a physical endurance test (pre-military training) and wanted to know if he could meet us for dinner. of course it was okay, and i was more than happy to host someone that i consider family myself. so much so- that when he said he was leaving for boot camp in a week i actually teared up.
those that know me, know that i'm definately not a huge fan of the armed forces. to be completely honest- i consider war defense a necessary evil. and although i'm often prone to have the same movie interests of a 12 year old boy at times, and always rejoice when they kill the 'bad guy', in real life i feel that it's very different. and i don't judge his brother for joining the Navy, but i'm having a hard time with the whole concept. not only am i afraid of him getting hurt or killed in the long run- especially since he eventually wants to become a navy seal- but i'm afraid of him changing.
as much as i hate stereotypes, i have to admit they were created because most often they hold true. this boy is not your typical 'military man'. he's had long shaggy hair for as long as i've known him. he giggles more often than he speaks. he's very quiet and non-abrasive. he wouldn't even spit out his opinion when we were picking out a movie to rent at blockbuster.
so not only do i worry about his safety (as any true female, quasi older-sibling would), but it just doesn't make sense to me. it makes sense that he wants to get away from home, and start a venture of his own. it makes sense that he doesn't want to go to the same college as his two oldest siblings, or become a mechanic like his dad, and brother he's been living with in small town Iowa for the summer.
needless to say- its hard being supportive. but of course- i didn't act this way. i asked questions, perhaps too many, but i figure most of the time when people disagree with things its because they don't understand them. and i don't want to be an ignorant hater. seeing him in person for a couple days at least reassured me that he didn't want to up and leave his friends and family just for the sake of 'getting away from it all'. this is something he really wants to do and who am i to stand in his way?
so i will be a good non-sister. i will send him carepackages and a card for christmas. i will try not to worry.
and for what its worth- it made me really happy that my boyfriend could spend some quality time with his younger brother before he left. i want my house to be a welcoming one. even if its on a week night!
what i wanted to write about on Tuesday
one of my close personal friends has had a recent but not new tragedy occur in her life. the boy she's liked on again/off again had finally asked her out. and on the same night they almost had sex. and 3 days later he told her he didn't remember all the details of that night. and she was pissed.
so to try to make her feel better- and add a little 'food for thought' i created a little cake analogy. a way to "have her 'cake' and eat it too" ;) here it is:
THERE ARE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CAKE- SOMETIMES RELATIVE TO 4 DIFFERENT TYPES OF GUYS. OF COURSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY RULE, BUT HERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF GUY YOU ARE INTO, AND IF YOU SHOULD PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
1) Ornate, professionally designed cake that’s pretty & expensive to look at. But you don't want to take a bite of it, cause then you would ruin the design and when you do it usually never tastes as good as it looks, and is 80% frosting.
2) Inexpensive, box mix cake that sometimes falls apart when you try to make a double or triple layer, but tastes amazing especially when you're feeling blue
3) Cheesecake- weird cause its not really cake. It tastes and looks amazing, but its very difficult and time consuming to make.
OR
4) Really rich, fudgy 4 layer cake. Always tasty, but you end up biting off more than you can chew and sometimes it makes you sick in the end. But very addicting and tempting so you always end up getting more.
(my quote on quote) ANSWER KEY::::
1) Ornate cake= F buddy for some. This one is always fun and exciting but maybe only on special occasions; is usually unrealistic for everyday life. The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true of this 'cake'.
2) Box mix cake= Good relationship material as long as you're grounded and don't expect it to be cake number 1 and appreciate it for what it is--practical, and always satisfying.
3) Cheesecake=Heavy and can be high maintenance sometimes, but if you're willing to put in some effort you can make each other happy.
4) 4 layer fudge cake= Sometimes too rich and offers promises they can't always fulfill. Involves lustful feelings, but rarely evolves into a loving relationship. Can be indulgent and make you feel special, but also can be painful in the end.
Now, of course i told her to take all examples and answers with a grain of salt, because of course, this was something i created (at work nonetheless). but if you think about it, and disregard all the corniness involved, i think it actually makes too much sense. and perhaps i should get a job writing those silly quizzes in women's magazines.
either that or i enjoy cake way too much ;)
so to try to make her feel better- and add a little 'food for thought' i created a little cake analogy. a way to "have her 'cake' and eat it too" ;) here it is:
THERE ARE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CAKE- SOMETIMES RELATIVE TO 4 DIFFERENT TYPES OF GUYS. OF COURSE, THERE ARE ALWAYS EXCEPTIONS TO EVERY RULE, BUT HERE'S ONE WAY TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF GUY YOU ARE INTO, AND IF YOU SHOULD PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
1) Ornate, professionally designed cake that’s pretty & expensive to look at. But you don't want to take a bite of it, cause then you would ruin the design and when you do it usually never tastes as good as it looks, and is 80% frosting.
2) Inexpensive, box mix cake that sometimes falls apart when you try to make a double or triple layer, but tastes amazing especially when you're feeling blue
3) Cheesecake- weird cause its not really cake. It tastes and looks amazing, but its very difficult and time consuming to make.
OR
4) Really rich, fudgy 4 layer cake. Always tasty, but you end up biting off more than you can chew and sometimes it makes you sick in the end. But very addicting and tempting so you always end up getting more.
(my quote on quote) ANSWER KEY::::
1) Ornate cake= F buddy for some. This one is always fun and exciting but maybe only on special occasions; is usually unrealistic for everyday life. The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is true of this 'cake'.
2) Box mix cake= Good relationship material as long as you're grounded and don't expect it to be cake number 1 and appreciate it for what it is--practical, and always satisfying.
3) Cheesecake=Heavy and can be high maintenance sometimes, but if you're willing to put in some effort you can make each other happy.
4) 4 layer fudge cake= Sometimes too rich and offers promises they can't always fulfill. Involves lustful feelings, but rarely evolves into a loving relationship. Can be indulgent and make you feel special, but also can be painful in the end.
Now, of course i told her to take all examples and answers with a grain of salt, because of course, this was something i created (at work nonetheless). but if you think about it, and disregard all the corniness involved, i think it actually makes too much sense. and perhaps i should get a job writing those silly quizzes in women's magazines.
either that or i enjoy cake way too much ;)
this past week- more exciting than some
so- i don't want this blog to be another procrastinative obligation thing...kind of like what i wrote about in my past blog. not that anyone is reading this [yet] but i don't want it to be a new journal i'm excited to write in, but then write in it twice a year and be done with it.
so what i'm about to do is extremely silly, but i don't care. i'm going to write a new post for what i actually wanted to write about almost every day this week, but didn't really have a chance. so here goes...
so what i'm about to do is extremely silly, but i don't care. i'm going to write a new post for what i actually wanted to write about almost every day this week, but didn't really have a chance. so here goes...
Saturday, October 24, 2009
inside a novel waiting for the end
two days ago i created a blog; yesterday i bought a 4x4 piece of plywood to tap dance on.
from the sounds of it, this may seem like mid-life crisis behavior, or quarter-life at best since i am only 26 years old. the truth of it is, although random and perhaps seemingly spontaneous, these are two things i have been wanting to do for quite awhile.
a couple summers ago i had the notion to take up tap dancing again, since i had fond memories of doing this as a child and thought, what better way to stay in shape, especially during the fall/winter? i went to the nearest dance studio and inquired about adult classes but nothing came of that. then 2 months ago i made the decision that wouldn't stop me and i would teach myself to tap again! so i bought a instructional DVD literally called "I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap," and size 8.5 basic black tap shoes.
sometimes i wonder why i have these great ideas and then procrastinate for months- sometimes years- to making them come into fruition. they may not seem like brilliant plans to the general public, sometimes not even to my friends. but they are my ideas and i know doing these things will make me happy. the question is- why postpone guaranteed happiness?
maybe its because i have a habit of not finishing what i start (that is, if i actually do start whatever it is). i get distracted, the outcome isn't what i expected, the list goes on. it doesn't make complete sense that a perfectionist such as myself would be so apathetic in making good opportunities happen....whether that be tap dancing in my bedroom, or going to grad school like i thought i would be doing by the time i was 26. the truth is- i would rather fail from lack of trying, than be called out as a loser who isn't good enough.
so i wait- i do things one step at a time, sometimes one year at a time, sometimes making myself miserable in the process because i force myself to think too much and figure out what i really want in the end. not that i'll ever really know because no one is psychic- but in the meantime i figure i better do what makes me happy.
so this weekend i promised myself i would do all the things on my temporary list- and be ready to go to my desk job again without any "shoulda done" regrets come monday morning. unfortunately- because i was ready to 'get down to business' it so happened that my boyfriend needed to take his motorcycle to his parents house to store for winter. as today was the possibly last nice day of fall, of course i needed to go along as i was his ride back home. so needless to say i was grumpy about it- already knowing my list was getting longer and my time to check off duties shorter.
none of this was a suprise or even a complete burden to me, but the timing was all off in my mentally motivated state. but as always- i cast a laissez faire thought on the highway and decided it was the least i could do for the boy who always puts me first.
on the way back home, i was lucky to experience one of those oddly perfect unplanned moments. we had stopped to get Breadeaux Pizza-my favorite- and decided to get it to go since it started raining. given that we were a couple hours away from home, the pizza didn't wait to make its way into our bellies. and as the rain blurred the lights in the dark wet, Imogen Heap mused artfully on the stereo, and I realized this was more than okay. sometimes its better not to think, not to worry about the future, and just eat pizza in your car :)
from the sounds of it, this may seem like mid-life crisis behavior, or quarter-life at best since i am only 26 years old. the truth of it is, although random and perhaps seemingly spontaneous, these are two things i have been wanting to do for quite awhile.
a couple summers ago i had the notion to take up tap dancing again, since i had fond memories of doing this as a child and thought, what better way to stay in shape, especially during the fall/winter? i went to the nearest dance studio and inquired about adult classes but nothing came of that. then 2 months ago i made the decision that wouldn't stop me and i would teach myself to tap again! so i bought a instructional DVD literally called "I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap," and size 8.5 basic black tap shoes.
sometimes i wonder why i have these great ideas and then procrastinate for months- sometimes years- to making them come into fruition. they may not seem like brilliant plans to the general public, sometimes not even to my friends. but they are my ideas and i know doing these things will make me happy. the question is- why postpone guaranteed happiness?
maybe its because i have a habit of not finishing what i start (that is, if i actually do start whatever it is). i get distracted, the outcome isn't what i expected, the list goes on. it doesn't make complete sense that a perfectionist such as myself would be so apathetic in making good opportunities happen....whether that be tap dancing in my bedroom, or going to grad school like i thought i would be doing by the time i was 26. the truth is- i would rather fail from lack of trying, than be called out as a loser who isn't good enough.
so i wait- i do things one step at a time, sometimes one year at a time, sometimes making myself miserable in the process because i force myself to think too much and figure out what i really want in the end. not that i'll ever really know because no one is psychic- but in the meantime i figure i better do what makes me happy.
so this weekend i promised myself i would do all the things on my temporary list- and be ready to go to my desk job again without any "shoulda done" regrets come monday morning. unfortunately- because i was ready to 'get down to business' it so happened that my boyfriend needed to take his motorcycle to his parents house to store for winter. as today was the possibly last nice day of fall, of course i needed to go along as i was his ride back home. so needless to say i was grumpy about it- already knowing my list was getting longer and my time to check off duties shorter.
none of this was a suprise or even a complete burden to me, but the timing was all off in my mentally motivated state. but as always- i cast a laissez faire thought on the highway and decided it was the least i could do for the boy who always puts me first.
on the way back home, i was lucky to experience one of those oddly perfect unplanned moments. we had stopped to get Breadeaux Pizza-my favorite- and decided to get it to go since it started raining. given that we were a couple hours away from home, the pizza didn't wait to make its way into our bellies. and as the rain blurred the lights in the dark wet, Imogen Heap mused artfully on the stereo, and I realized this was more than okay. sometimes its better not to think, not to worry about the future, and just eat pizza in your car :)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
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