inside a novel waiting for the end

two days ago i created a blog; yesterday i bought a 4x4 piece of plywood to tap dance on.

from the sounds of it, this may seem like mid-life crisis behavior, or quarter-life at best since i am only 26 years old. the truth of it is, although random and perhaps seemingly spontaneous, these are two things i have been wanting to do for quite awhile.

a couple summers ago i had the notion to take up tap dancing again, since i had fond memories of doing this as a child and thought, what better way to stay in shape, especially during the fall/winter? i went to the nearest dance studio and inquired about adult classes but nothing came of that. then 2 months ago i made the decision that wouldn't stop me and i would teach myself to tap again! so i bought a instructional DVD literally called "I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap," and size 8.5 basic black tap shoes.

sometimes i wonder why i have these great ideas and then procrastinate for months- sometimes years- to making them come into fruition. they may not seem like brilliant plans to the general public, sometimes not even to my friends. but they are my ideas and i know doing these things will make me happy. the question is- why postpone guaranteed happiness?

maybe its because i have a habit of not finishing what i start (that is, if i actually do start whatever it is). i get distracted, the outcome isn't what i expected, the list goes on. it doesn't make complete sense that a perfectionist such as myself would be so apathetic in making good opportunities happen....whether that be tap dancing in my bedroom, or going to grad school like i thought i would be doing by the time i was 26. the truth is- i would rather fail from lack of trying, than be called out as a loser who isn't good enough.

so i wait- i do things one step at a time, sometimes one year at a time, sometimes making myself miserable in the process because i force myself to think too much and figure out what i really want in the end. not that i'll ever really know because no one is psychic- but in the meantime i figure i better do what makes me happy.

so this weekend i promised myself i would do all the things on my temporary list- and be ready to go to my desk job again without any "shoulda done" regrets come monday morning. unfortunately- because i was ready to 'get down to business' it so happened that my boyfriend needed to take his motorcycle to his parents house to store for winter. as today was the possibly last nice day of fall, of course i needed to go along as i was his ride back home. so needless to say i was grumpy about it- already knowing my list was getting longer and my time to check off duties shorter.

none of this was a suprise or even a complete burden to me, but the timing was all off in my mentally motivated state. but as always- i cast a laissez faire thought on the highway and decided it was the least i could do for the boy who always puts me first.

on the way back home, i was lucky to experience one of those oddly perfect unplanned moments. we had stopped to get Breadeaux Pizza-my favorite- and decided to get it to go since it started raining. given that we were a couple hours away from home, the pizza didn't wait to make its way into our bellies. and as the rain blurred the lights in the dark wet, Imogen Heap mused artfully on the stereo, and I realized this was more than okay. sometimes its better not to think, not to worry about the future, and just eat pizza in your car :)