those things have somewhat been the theme of this week. i had someone telling me repeatedly today what a happy person i am, when the truth is i've had a really stressful/depressing week. and part of the reason why is because having this person around my family makes me nervous. i love this person, but this person has, repeatedly in past experiences, stirred the pot. and i mean the overflowing, boiling pot. and when this happens, she gets to leave and go back to her life, far away, without having to take ownership for any of it. and time passes, life goes on, and then it happens again.
tomorrow. i'm dreading tomorrow. maybe it will all be fine, but i'm not feeling very optimistic. and i'm hoping memorial day won't be very memorable. a mellow, boring day would be just fine with me.
and when it's all said and done, i will come home and take a nap. it's been too busy of a weekend for my taste. and to quote a greeting card i have, "sometimes you just need to take a nap and get over it."
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
soda lovers' anonymous
this past year things have happened to better help myself...in various ways and for various reasons. for instance, i've tried not being so addicted to mt. dew. some people would say 1 can a day isn't that bad, especially since i'm not a coffee drinker, while others would believe it's a horrible lifestyle. whatever the case may be, caffiene is still a drug, as i have realized once again.
today i went home sick from work with symptoms of stomach cramps, migraine, & dizziness. i was of course, quick to blame pms & other stressful events in my life, but then i thought about it. i didn't have any mt. dew for 4 days last week. then on friday & saturday i had two servings each day, because i was missing it. then sunday, nothing. and after having a headache for over 10 hours today, i picked up some excedrin "tension headache" & the infamous green soda. after 2 pills (which also have caffiene) & a can, i was feeling much better. irony? i think not.
so what's the morale of my tale? well, trying to be good sometimes does bite you in the butt. does that mean i'll always be "bad"? maybe. at least it gives me more justification, in a slightly twisted way. i guess it's better than some other vices i could have. or at least that's what i'm telling myself :)
today i went home sick from work with symptoms of stomach cramps, migraine, & dizziness. i was of course, quick to blame pms & other stressful events in my life, but then i thought about it. i didn't have any mt. dew for 4 days last week. then on friday & saturday i had two servings each day, because i was missing it. then sunday, nothing. and after having a headache for over 10 hours today, i picked up some excedrin "tension headache" & the infamous green soda. after 2 pills (which also have caffiene) & a can, i was feeling much better. irony? i think not.
so what's the morale of my tale? well, trying to be good sometimes does bite you in the butt. does that mean i'll always be "bad"? maybe. at least it gives me more justification, in a slightly twisted way. i guess it's better than some other vices i could have. or at least that's what i'm telling myself :)
Thursday, May 5, 2011
may flowers
it's already may and i only wrote one post in april so i decided i better write another one now before may passes me by.
nothing super exciting is happening in my life. just making plans, paying bills (or trying at that, cause even with a full time job, i'm still playing catch-up), and trying to find things to entertain me in the meantime. recently including re-watching ugly betty on dvd, reorganizing my closet for spring/summer and purchasing 3 new pairs of shoes in the past two weeks. why? well, because it's fun and mostly affordable :) (hey- one out of the 3 pairs was $5 and they all were for work because we only are allowed to wear closed toed shoes so yeah...)
you see? i have a fine life. and yet i still feel apologetic and guilty.
let me explain; i work with a bunch of middle aged women who besides all being anal-retentive & petty to a certain degree about how paper clips should be attached to the files and then some, all have 2 things in common: kids/grandkids and the love of gardening. and while i love kids, i don't have any. and while i love nature, i don't have a yard to plant and reap. and somehow, apparently, i get the feeling that this makes me seem to them a "little girl". quite literally. it's actually one my fellow receptionists' nickname for me. seriously folks. she will even call me that in front of patients! (e.g.- "here, little girl can help you check out"). if you were a patient, would you want to step in line with someone with that nickname??
and while i know that it's really just a term of endearment, it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. just because i don't have the responsibilty of teenage boys, or cannot fathom talking for two hours about whether the ugly red garden ball should go in the bird bath, or on the ground in front of it, doesn't mean i don't have a life. in fact, some would say that means i have more of one.
do i like certain superficial things? of course. it just so happens that my top two favorite pastimes aren't the same of my fellow co-workers. and that's fine. i'm just trying to figure out how to fill the gap without being completely superficial myself.
because i have a lovely life. perfect? no. hells no. but i should feel grateful, not guilty. right?
nothing super exciting is happening in my life. just making plans, paying bills (or trying at that, cause even with a full time job, i'm still playing catch-up), and trying to find things to entertain me in the meantime. recently including re-watching ugly betty on dvd, reorganizing my closet for spring/summer and purchasing 3 new pairs of shoes in the past two weeks. why? well, because it's fun and mostly affordable :) (hey- one out of the 3 pairs was $5 and they all were for work because we only are allowed to wear closed toed shoes so yeah...)
you see? i have a fine life. and yet i still feel apologetic and guilty.
let me explain; i work with a bunch of middle aged women who besides all being anal-retentive & petty to a certain degree about how paper clips should be attached to the files and then some, all have 2 things in common: kids/grandkids and the love of gardening. and while i love kids, i don't have any. and while i love nature, i don't have a yard to plant and reap. and somehow, apparently, i get the feeling that this makes me seem to them a "little girl". quite literally. it's actually one my fellow receptionists' nickname for me. seriously folks. she will even call me that in front of patients! (e.g.- "here, little girl can help you check out"). if you were a patient, would you want to step in line with someone with that nickname??
and while i know that it's really just a term of endearment, it makes me feel about 2 inches tall. just because i don't have the responsibilty of teenage boys, or cannot fathom talking for two hours about whether the ugly red garden ball should go in the bird bath, or on the ground in front of it, doesn't mean i don't have a life. in fact, some would say that means i have more of one.
do i like certain superficial things? of course. it just so happens that my top two favorite pastimes aren't the same of my fellow co-workers. and that's fine. i'm just trying to figure out how to fill the gap without being completely superficial myself.
because i have a lovely life. perfect? no. hells no. but i should feel grateful, not guilty. right?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
what the hell, today?
today was not a good day. no good reason for it not to be good, but alas. there was lots of stress and drama at work. i came home, argued with my boyfriend about him having to work Easter weekend. a bit later i went to zumba, my usual wednesday night routine, (other than book club once a month), and despite it's usual mood altering endorphins- i wasn't feeling it tonight. as i was leaving the gym parking lot, i backed into another car. luckily no horrible damage was had, but after that i did not feel like going home and slaving over a hot stove. so i decided to Arby's it up, especially considering their new "good mood food" slogan, i thought it might help. well needless to say, on the less than 1 block trip home from getting my fast food i spilled soda all over the car and myself. brown, wet, sticky cola product.
what a shitty day. so i decided i would watch a sappy movie and cry it all out. "Marley & Me". i'm sure you've heard of it. well, i didn't make it to the end. yes i know what happens, but i just decided to stop the dvd 10 minutes before the inevitable sadness. call me a wuss, whatever. i decided it was good for me to have laughed almost the whole way through before that, and maybe that was really the type of catharsis i needed.
just yesterday i watched another sappy movie that i did finish, "P.S. I Love You", about a wife losing her husband at a young age, and how she deals with it and all the happy and sad aftermath of it all.
i don't know what my deal is but lately i've been consumed with the idea of loss. it can be something small, like losing my chapstick or socks in the dryer, or something big like losing a close relative. or something somewhere in the middle like losing a friend because of one reason or another. or perhaps a family home or place you love being destroyed by the elements.
and when life is good, sometimes empathy gets the best of us. a lot of the clientel where i work are elderly people. when they are filling out the paperwork before their appointment, probably 1 out of every 3 or 4 people will have to change their marital status to "widowed". i never expected that. i just never thought about the simple "status change" before. but even so, there have been a couple people who shared their stories and i got so choked up i had to excuse myself.
what do we do when the person we love the most isn't around anymore? what do we do when we can't contact our "emergency contact"?
i'm really not trying to be morbid, i just have no idea how some people move on with their lives after that. maybe at their age it's sad, but also just something to be expected. still, i can't imagine how i would cope, at any age.
loss happens. and it sucks. and i'm not so great at dealing with it.
usually when change in any shape or form comes, i don't just see it just as change but as a loss of the past whatever it is that the change is replacing. whether the change is a postive one or not.
currently at least 3 people i know and love have (or had) to move for some reason or the other. my parents are renovating their bathroom. one of my best friends is getting married (and will also will be moving eventually). i'm still getting used to all the quirks of my new job. another one of my best friends' parents' house burned down recently.
some of these things are good, some aren't. i think it goes without saying which is which. but while some of my friends have moved because they wanted to, another is being kicked out of their rental because the landlord is putting it on the market, and yet another is riveting from a broken relationship and has to start out on her own again.
it's funny how the same actions can have various causes and effects. it's funny how losing something can mean a fresh start but also means having to deal with the mess in the meantime.
after a day like today i don't really have any answers or antectodes other than just that. and also, since it is timely, that spring always follows winter. and i'm very glad for that. but sometimes, shit happens. and the best you can do is find someone you love, and lean on them for awhile. if only because you haven't lost them yet. and to me, that's worth being a little clingy for.
what a shitty day. so i decided i would watch a sappy movie and cry it all out. "Marley & Me". i'm sure you've heard of it. well, i didn't make it to the end. yes i know what happens, but i just decided to stop the dvd 10 minutes before the inevitable sadness. call me a wuss, whatever. i decided it was good for me to have laughed almost the whole way through before that, and maybe that was really the type of catharsis i needed.
just yesterday i watched another sappy movie that i did finish, "P.S. I Love You", about a wife losing her husband at a young age, and how she deals with it and all the happy and sad aftermath of it all.
i don't know what my deal is but lately i've been consumed with the idea of loss. it can be something small, like losing my chapstick or socks in the dryer, or something big like losing a close relative. or something somewhere in the middle like losing a friend because of one reason or another. or perhaps a family home or place you love being destroyed by the elements.
and when life is good, sometimes empathy gets the best of us. a lot of the clientel where i work are elderly people. when they are filling out the paperwork before their appointment, probably 1 out of every 3 or 4 people will have to change their marital status to "widowed". i never expected that. i just never thought about the simple "status change" before. but even so, there have been a couple people who shared their stories and i got so choked up i had to excuse myself.
what do we do when the person we love the most isn't around anymore? what do we do when we can't contact our "emergency contact"?
i'm really not trying to be morbid, i just have no idea how some people move on with their lives after that. maybe at their age it's sad, but also just something to be expected. still, i can't imagine how i would cope, at any age.
loss happens. and it sucks. and i'm not so great at dealing with it.
usually when change in any shape or form comes, i don't just see it just as change but as a loss of the past whatever it is that the change is replacing. whether the change is a postive one or not.
currently at least 3 people i know and love have (or had) to move for some reason or the other. my parents are renovating their bathroom. one of my best friends is getting married (and will also will be moving eventually). i'm still getting used to all the quirks of my new job. another one of my best friends' parents' house burned down recently.
some of these things are good, some aren't. i think it goes without saying which is which. but while some of my friends have moved because they wanted to, another is being kicked out of their rental because the landlord is putting it on the market, and yet another is riveting from a broken relationship and has to start out on her own again.
it's funny how the same actions can have various causes and effects. it's funny how losing something can mean a fresh start but also means having to deal with the mess in the meantime.
after a day like today i don't really have any answers or antectodes other than just that. and also, since it is timely, that spring always follows winter. and i'm very glad for that. but sometimes, shit happens. and the best you can do is find someone you love, and lean on them for awhile. if only because you haven't lost them yet. and to me, that's worth being a little clingy for.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
going's on
tonight is one of those nights where i feel like i should blog...for various reasons.
1) i have the computer all to myself
2) i have no other obligations, &
3) every other day this week i've felt i've had something important to say.
but now all my recent happenings just seem like fleeting thoughts and hazy moments. it really is all about kairos, isn't it?
so now i will write about the concept of time and energy. and how its wierd that things seem so detrimental when i'm sleep deprived and hungry, but after a filling meal and some downtime with the boyfriend, i feel refreshed, and writing about it seems an afterthought.
nothing terrible has happened. nothing wonderful has happened. life seems to be- if only for a while- stable. and i feel content.
i've had both bad days and good in the past couple weeks. but without my usual angst about when i'll get the next "pink slip phone call", i don't know what to be worried about.
before you throw stones at my undying optimism & happiness (yeah right, by the way ;)), let me just say this. i was reading an article in a magazine the other day...4 authors were interviewed and asked the same 4 questions. one of the questions asked something to the effect of "what creates good writing?" or something like that. one of the authors answered (and i'm really, really paraphrasing here folks), "good writing is what happens when you speak truth. if you get caught up in what you think a normal person would write about, or what someone wants to hear, you lose passion and that's where the best writing comes from."
i've always believed that, but it was nice to hear a published author say it, right? nonetheless, i took great heart in this statement. sometimes i've spoken off the cuff and let it all hang out. other times i've written a sappy sonnet, or ended a post with "but that's okay, because, you know, i'm so blessed, blah blah blah." and while it may be true, it's not always the truth of how i feel, or how life is going at the time.
but now, i guess i just wanted to admit that while i have a history of talking about only bad things, or talking about only good things after feeling guilty about talking about all the bad things, i've decided to just speak the truth. how ironic, now, that the truth is mostly good things.
1) i have the computer all to myself
2) i have no other obligations, &
3) every other day this week i've felt i've had something important to say.
but now all my recent happenings just seem like fleeting thoughts and hazy moments. it really is all about kairos, isn't it?
so now i will write about the concept of time and energy. and how its wierd that things seem so detrimental when i'm sleep deprived and hungry, but after a filling meal and some downtime with the boyfriend, i feel refreshed, and writing about it seems an afterthought.
nothing terrible has happened. nothing wonderful has happened. life seems to be- if only for a while- stable. and i feel content.
i've had both bad days and good in the past couple weeks. but without my usual angst about when i'll get the next "pink slip phone call", i don't know what to be worried about.
before you throw stones at my undying optimism & happiness (yeah right, by the way ;)), let me just say this. i was reading an article in a magazine the other day...4 authors were interviewed and asked the same 4 questions. one of the questions asked something to the effect of "what creates good writing?" or something like that. one of the authors answered (and i'm really, really paraphrasing here folks), "good writing is what happens when you speak truth. if you get caught up in what you think a normal person would write about, or what someone wants to hear, you lose passion and that's where the best writing comes from."
i've always believed that, but it was nice to hear a published author say it, right? nonetheless, i took great heart in this statement. sometimes i've spoken off the cuff and let it all hang out. other times i've written a sappy sonnet, or ended a post with "but that's okay, because, you know, i'm so blessed, blah blah blah." and while it may be true, it's not always the truth of how i feel, or how life is going at the time.
but now, i guess i just wanted to admit that while i have a history of talking about only bad things, or talking about only good things after feeling guilty about talking about all the bad things, i've decided to just speak the truth. how ironic, now, that the truth is mostly good things.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
surreal-ness
i'm sitting at home in the middle of the day, but i'm not unemployed. what?
yes, it's true. one of the perks of my new job is that i get one afternoon off a week (due to working a little overtime during the rest of the week.) in actuality, it adds up to a 38 hour work week. not as good as 40 hours, but still, i can't complain.
so far my new job is going great! people are nice, work is more than tolerable, and today i celebrated my first paycheck by getting lunch at a place called "noodle zoo". it's like panera on crack, but includes different varieties of pasta as well as the soup/salad/sandwich deals, and is locally owned. so next time you're in des moines, friends, i'll treat. because i love you, and because i now can :)
yes, it's true. one of the perks of my new job is that i get one afternoon off a week (due to working a little overtime during the rest of the week.) in actuality, it adds up to a 38 hour work week. not as good as 40 hours, but still, i can't complain.
so far my new job is going great! people are nice, work is more than tolerable, and today i celebrated my first paycheck by getting lunch at a place called "noodle zoo". it's like panera on crack, but includes different varieties of pasta as well as the soup/salad/sandwich deals, and is locally owned. so next time you're in des moines, friends, i'll treat. because i love you, and because i now can :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
dreams (part two); knowing that they can come true
last friday afternoon i received very good news: i got the job! i will be working full-time with benefits (aka- no more being a temp!!!!) at an opthamology clinic. and the best part is, it's located right across the street from where i live!!
the past few days have been quite busy, with company, friends' birthday parties, etc. so it's taken some time for this good news to set in. it still seems quite surreal. this issue in my life has been so big and time consuming, that it feels as if i haven't yet woken up from a very good dream.
and speaking of dreams, mine have been non-stop lately. in reference to my last post, i thought that once i found out good news, i would be able to sleep peacefully. quite the contrary has happened though; now my angst is that of a small child in a candy store, and i cannot stop exclaiming about the wonderfulness that is surrounding me.
the other night, i had, among many, a wierd dream that stuck out to me. i realize i may lose some respect by admitting this, but i believe dreams do hold meaning, and someday would like to study dream psychology. i actually own a book called "10,000 Dreams Explained" by Pamela J. Ball, which is kind of like a dream "dictionary", of sorts.
the two things that stuck out most to me in this dream were the theme of hiding a key from the "bad people", and taking care of our pet whale at the end of the dream story. to explain a little further, the key was mine, and secret, and i had to keep it safe from harm. and at the end of the dream, my roomate had somehow acquired an orca (killer whale), that she had apparently purchased at Best Buy.
seems like a bunch of crazy dream nonsense right?
i'm here to argue quite the opposite. for instance, with the help of my dream dictionary i consulted the entries for "whale" and "key".
"KEY- A key can represent our need for liberation from a stressful situation and then the initiation of a positive spiritual move...."
"WHALE- as a mammal that lives within water, the whale symbolizes the power of resurrection and rebirth, and man's ability to surpass personal trauma."
now if that doesn't make sense of what is currently happening in my life, i don't know what does. i usually take the jargon in this book with a grain of salt; it's not like i let the art of fortune telling or astrology rule my life. but i'm here to say, don't take your dreams lightly. usually, you dream for a reason. even if you don't know what that reason is.
in the meantime, hopefully you will enjoy your dreams and no nightmares will come through! and praise Heaven for liberating me from the stressful situation of being a temp. although it's minor personal trauma, it's still traumatic none the less to deal with the instability, and tomorrow is the rebirth of my job-life. i'm so ready.
the past few days have been quite busy, with company, friends' birthday parties, etc. so it's taken some time for this good news to set in. it still seems quite surreal. this issue in my life has been so big and time consuming, that it feels as if i haven't yet woken up from a very good dream.
and speaking of dreams, mine have been non-stop lately. in reference to my last post, i thought that once i found out good news, i would be able to sleep peacefully. quite the contrary has happened though; now my angst is that of a small child in a candy store, and i cannot stop exclaiming about the wonderfulness that is surrounding me.
the other night, i had, among many, a wierd dream that stuck out to me. i realize i may lose some respect by admitting this, but i believe dreams do hold meaning, and someday would like to study dream psychology. i actually own a book called "10,000 Dreams Explained" by Pamela J. Ball, which is kind of like a dream "dictionary", of sorts.
the two things that stuck out most to me in this dream were the theme of hiding a key from the "bad people", and taking care of our pet whale at the end of the dream story. to explain a little further, the key was mine, and secret, and i had to keep it safe from harm. and at the end of the dream, my roomate had somehow acquired an orca (killer whale), that she had apparently purchased at Best Buy.
seems like a bunch of crazy dream nonsense right?
i'm here to argue quite the opposite. for instance, with the help of my dream dictionary i consulted the entries for "whale" and "key".
"KEY- A key can represent our need for liberation from a stressful situation and then the initiation of a positive spiritual move...."
"WHALE- as a mammal that lives within water, the whale symbolizes the power of resurrection and rebirth, and man's ability to surpass personal trauma."
now if that doesn't make sense of what is currently happening in my life, i don't know what does. i usually take the jargon in this book with a grain of salt; it's not like i let the art of fortune telling or astrology rule my life. but i'm here to say, don't take your dreams lightly. usually, you dream for a reason. even if you don't know what that reason is.
in the meantime, hopefully you will enjoy your dreams and no nightmares will come through! and praise Heaven for liberating me from the stressful situation of being a temp. although it's minor personal trauma, it's still traumatic none the less to deal with the instability, and tomorrow is the rebirth of my job-life. i'm so ready.
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