sometimes i forget what a healing tool music can be, and how cathartic it is to just sit (and or dance) to your favorite songs. sometimes i forget what a nice break my musical collection is from the satellite radio station we have to listen to at work that only plays 10 songs, on repeat. sometimes i forget what a great gift a burnt cd can be when you're feeling poor- it's homemade, free, and straight from the heart.
i made my sister a "back 2 school" cd for her second year of teaching. it's nice for her to have something to listen to on the 30 minute commute she has back & forth each day.
also- i revisted some of my favorite "chrisitan" artists that i still keep on my i-pod, such as Jars of Clay, Plumb, and a few others. these particular albums i kept because the poetry is great, and they're musically ept without being too "i only want to have a relationship with Jesus because everyone else is dumb" or "i'll make up a love song but say its for God so it's not too streamlined" kind of lyrics. does that make sense?
anyway. i don't have much else to say except for that i love music. and i miss being in a musical group and using my creativity in that outlet. sometimes i think it's really affected me....in a negative way i mean. once upon a time, playing a instrument (or 2, or singing, etc) used to be my life. it was therapeutic, was something i was talented at, and made me feel good about myself. then in college it became more of a chore and more of a competition and with time it seems i lost my first love. i put my clarinet away. i was no longer good enough to be in choir. and i couldn't seem to make it past advanced intermediate piano lessons because i couldn't manage stacked chords.
so its good to remember what used to make me tick. sometimes i dance, sometimes i sing a long, and sometimes- once in a blue moon now adays- i play. but most of all i just sit, think and listen to music, if just for the sake of listening and being inspired.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
do you know me?
have you ever been offended by something really stupid? well last night, i was. i was out with a close friend and some of her family members and we were all trying to decide on a place for supper. we finally ended up going to this greek restaurant in Des Moines' East Village called "Olympic Flame." (sooo delicious, by the way). and on the way to the restaurant twice, yes twice, my friend told me they have stuff like hamburgers and suggested i could order one if i didn't like greek food.
okay first of all, why the hell would i order a hamburger @ a greek restuarant?
second of all, just because i do eat meat, unlike her and her sister, doesn't mean i need it with every meal.
and third of all, i do like greek food and have eaten it before.
i wanted to say to her, " do you really think i'm so uncultured that i can't enjoy something different than the 'all american' food?"
i mean seriously, we've been friends for years, and dining together has been much a part of our friendship. and i don't think i've ever once ordered a freaking hamburger during that time. so naturally, i was quite offended.
but to her credit and my demise, i will admit to a few bad decisions on my part. i hate to admit it, but these are the 5 things i'll regret to say i do eat/drink from time to time.
1) spaghetti-o's and meatballs
2) ICEE drinks
3) hot dogs /corn dogs
4) Mc Donald's breakfast (and ONLY their breakfast)
5) and last but not least, soda
so there it is friends. but we all have our vices, and once in awhile it's okay.
but for the record, my greek dinner last night was amazing.
P.S. i also had eggplant for the first time in my life.
okay first of all, why the hell would i order a hamburger @ a greek restuarant?
second of all, just because i do eat meat, unlike her and her sister, doesn't mean i need it with every meal.
and third of all, i do like greek food and have eaten it before.
i wanted to say to her, " do you really think i'm so uncultured that i can't enjoy something different than the 'all american' food?"
i mean seriously, we've been friends for years, and dining together has been much a part of our friendship. and i don't think i've ever once ordered a freaking hamburger during that time. so naturally, i was quite offended.
but to her credit and my demise, i will admit to a few bad decisions on my part. i hate to admit it, but these are the 5 things i'll regret to say i do eat/drink from time to time.
1) spaghetti-o's and meatballs
2) ICEE drinks
3) hot dogs /corn dogs
4) Mc Donald's breakfast (and ONLY their breakfast)
5) and last but not least, soda
so there it is friends. but we all have our vices, and once in awhile it's okay.
but for the record, my greek dinner last night was amazing.
P.S. i also had eggplant for the first time in my life.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
best weekend ever
this was one of those.
Friday night- i shopped for some new things for the apartment, as our 3rd roomate is currently moving out. and then jesse & i went to Old Chicago (Des Moines' best pizza, in my opinion). we each got individual pizzas so i went all out with my food toppings: black olives, feta cheese, spinach, artichoke hearts, and canadian bacon. i decided it was worth the extra dollars since i just had lemon water to drink.
Saturday- we had planned on going camping, but the weather was overcast so we were still hem-hawing about it. so we waited it out, had lunch, went grocery shopping and lo & behold the sun came out! so we made the 2 hour trip to a campground we had never been before because i wanted to try something different, get away from it all, and finally have a chance to use the big cooler i got for my birthday! well, we got there, drove around the lake twice and all we could find was a "road closed" sign. so we were bad and illegally drove around it to find a desolate camping area that was not only closed but looked like a tornado had gone through it! so, after stopping at the nearest town for a chocolate malt, we decided to just go home and camp in our newly empited loft! it was so much fun! we grilled the hot dogs we had brought, played chess, and actually slept in the tent upstairs :) and it ended up being doubly serendipitous, because there were terrible thunderstorms all night!
Today- i was able to cross off about 15 things on my never ending to-do list. i cleaned out my car, my trunk, jesse's trunk (because he had a bunch of my stuff in there), cleaned, organized, and swept the ENTIRE garage, all the while escaping a swarming black hornet :) and after my hard sweaty work, a dip in the pool was just what i needed. after that, leftover old chicago and a couple of my favorite shows. then i was feeling rejuvinated and decided to be more productive; i repotted a couple plants, finally hung up my hummingbird feeder, and cleaned out the hall closet. whew! and i'm not even ready to go to bed.
my synopsis: its amazing to realize again sometimes you don't know what you need until you get it. and apparently what i needed was a whole weekend of no obligations, a freshly emptied apartment (well, partially emptied), and time just to take care of house and home. and it was awesome. now we'll have a 3 bedroom all to ourselves. it will take time, money, and a lot more elbow grease to get it where i want it, but for now, it's nice to have the freedom and the space...apparently enough so to set up a tent!
this time last year i was in an entirely different place- physically and emotionally. it's good to be reminded that good things do happen, all in good time :)
Friday night- i shopped for some new things for the apartment, as our 3rd roomate is currently moving out. and then jesse & i went to Old Chicago (Des Moines' best pizza, in my opinion). we each got individual pizzas so i went all out with my food toppings: black olives, feta cheese, spinach, artichoke hearts, and canadian bacon. i decided it was worth the extra dollars since i just had lemon water to drink.
Saturday- we had planned on going camping, but the weather was overcast so we were still hem-hawing about it. so we waited it out, had lunch, went grocery shopping and lo & behold the sun came out! so we made the 2 hour trip to a campground we had never been before because i wanted to try something different, get away from it all, and finally have a chance to use the big cooler i got for my birthday! well, we got there, drove around the lake twice and all we could find was a "road closed" sign. so we were bad and illegally drove around it to find a desolate camping area that was not only closed but looked like a tornado had gone through it! so, after stopping at the nearest town for a chocolate malt, we decided to just go home and camp in our newly empited loft! it was so much fun! we grilled the hot dogs we had brought, played chess, and actually slept in the tent upstairs :) and it ended up being doubly serendipitous, because there were terrible thunderstorms all night!
Today- i was able to cross off about 15 things on my never ending to-do list. i cleaned out my car, my trunk, jesse's trunk (because he had a bunch of my stuff in there), cleaned, organized, and swept the ENTIRE garage, all the while escaping a swarming black hornet :) and after my hard sweaty work, a dip in the pool was just what i needed. after that, leftover old chicago and a couple of my favorite shows. then i was feeling rejuvinated and decided to be more productive; i repotted a couple plants, finally hung up my hummingbird feeder, and cleaned out the hall closet. whew! and i'm not even ready to go to bed.
my synopsis: its amazing to realize again sometimes you don't know what you need until you get it. and apparently what i needed was a whole weekend of no obligations, a freshly emptied apartment (well, partially emptied), and time just to take care of house and home. and it was awesome. now we'll have a 3 bedroom all to ourselves. it will take time, money, and a lot more elbow grease to get it where i want it, but for now, it's nice to have the freedom and the space...apparently enough so to set up a tent!
this time last year i was in an entirely different place- physically and emotionally. it's good to be reminded that good things do happen, all in good time :)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
think think think
lately i've been doing a lot of thinking. about why certain things matter so much, and other things that should matter, don't.
today was a rough day. actually, i've had nothing but rough days (at least at work) since we lost 2 receptionists, (at least temporarily), and overtime is not only happening but kind of required. in an already super stressful position, it just becomes overwhelming at times. so much so, that a couple weeks ago when i realized what was happening i had a meltdown at work and cried in front of everybody. it was embarrassing to say the least, but since then i have been more stable and trying to remind myself that whatever happens i still get to go home at the end of the day and be with the one i love. it just sucks that sometimes the one i love has to suffer from my angst and depressive mind sometimes.
he took me on a motorcycle ride tonight. sometimes- that's just what i need; a loud engine and wind blowing through my hair and keeping the rest of the world quiet- blocking out all other senses but the feeling of the man in front of me.
and on the way home tonight, after getting some supper, i realized how silly i am sometimes. why is it, that i can ride on the back of a motorcycle, without a helmet, through city traffic and be completely relaxed? the fact is, if we crashed, i might die. and yet, i'm not worried. but answering the constantly ringing phone at work and not being able to transfer to the appropriate assistant at work? that's stressful enough to make me want to jump off a very tall building! not everyday, but lately, yeah it's true.
its funny to me that being unemployed is sometimes less anxiety ridden than being at a place i can't seem to get rid of. the very place that i praised for being within walking distance of my house, i now fear seeing through my window when at when i am home. because sometimes it's too close.
and then i had an epiphany: it's not that i hate my job, its that i have very little control over what happens. and for some reason i need that control. or at the very least, for people to realize that all of this stress was completely avoidable & unecessary if the managerial staff would've done this, that, etc when they knew the situation at hand. because, its mostly petty stuff that gets my goat and therefore i usually feel guilty and weak that i let it bother me so much.
at least if i'm unemployed, or paralyzed from a motorcycle accident i'll have real problems to complain about. but this? this current petty stuff that's going on? its not worth it. and yet its the little things that add up and up until you find the back breaking straw, if you will.
so through all of this stress, meaningless as it is, i've come up with a few reminders for myself to get me through the very long days:
-when it comes to clients, being assertive is different than being confrontational. and it's very okay to be assertive.
-people usually project their personal problems and let it affect work, so if they yell at me its usually not about me. and if it is about me, don't take it personally because everyone makes mistakes.
-forget i own those dress pants that are too tight. if i'm comfortable, i'm happier. so i bought 2 new pairs of work pants this weekend...on sale :)
-EAT BREAKFAST. just tonight i made fresh orange/pineapple/banana smoothies for tomorrow and thursday morning, since i don't allow time/aren't hungry before i start work.
-also relevant to the last note, don't starve myself throughout the day. even if i think i am too busy to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. its better to just take time to pee and eat something i brought from home, than hold it and just forage from the candy basket. (common sense, i know, but easier said than done in my work environment when you only get 30 minutes of breaktime for a 9 hour day).
-and lastly, don't let work affect my personal relationships. and don't let personal relationships affect work. compartmentalize, if you will. also easier said than done, but it's a must. just tonight i refused to talk to one of my besties because work was too stressful and too exhausting. i know sometimes that happens, but i hate that that, of all things, was my reason.
anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and only one more week before i get my tuesday afternoons off again. (dont be too jealous though, that just means i go back to 40 hours a week instead of 45+. and even that doesn't sound like a lot, but lets just say my sanity is only attainable that way. and so is the gym :) )
today was a rough day. actually, i've had nothing but rough days (at least at work) since we lost 2 receptionists, (at least temporarily), and overtime is not only happening but kind of required. in an already super stressful position, it just becomes overwhelming at times. so much so, that a couple weeks ago when i realized what was happening i had a meltdown at work and cried in front of everybody. it was embarrassing to say the least, but since then i have been more stable and trying to remind myself that whatever happens i still get to go home at the end of the day and be with the one i love. it just sucks that sometimes the one i love has to suffer from my angst and depressive mind sometimes.
he took me on a motorcycle ride tonight. sometimes- that's just what i need; a loud engine and wind blowing through my hair and keeping the rest of the world quiet- blocking out all other senses but the feeling of the man in front of me.
and on the way home tonight, after getting some supper, i realized how silly i am sometimes. why is it, that i can ride on the back of a motorcycle, without a helmet, through city traffic and be completely relaxed? the fact is, if we crashed, i might die. and yet, i'm not worried. but answering the constantly ringing phone at work and not being able to transfer to the appropriate assistant at work? that's stressful enough to make me want to jump off a very tall building! not everyday, but lately, yeah it's true.
its funny to me that being unemployed is sometimes less anxiety ridden than being at a place i can't seem to get rid of. the very place that i praised for being within walking distance of my house, i now fear seeing through my window when at when i am home. because sometimes it's too close.
and then i had an epiphany: it's not that i hate my job, its that i have very little control over what happens. and for some reason i need that control. or at the very least, for people to realize that all of this stress was completely avoidable & unecessary if the managerial staff would've done this, that, etc when they knew the situation at hand. because, its mostly petty stuff that gets my goat and therefore i usually feel guilty and weak that i let it bother me so much.
at least if i'm unemployed, or paralyzed from a motorcycle accident i'll have real problems to complain about. but this? this current petty stuff that's going on? its not worth it. and yet its the little things that add up and up until you find the back breaking straw, if you will.
so through all of this stress, meaningless as it is, i've come up with a few reminders for myself to get me through the very long days:
-when it comes to clients, being assertive is different than being confrontational. and it's very okay to be assertive.
-people usually project their personal problems and let it affect work, so if they yell at me its usually not about me. and if it is about me, don't take it personally because everyone makes mistakes.
-forget i own those dress pants that are too tight. if i'm comfortable, i'm happier. so i bought 2 new pairs of work pants this weekend...on sale :)
-EAT BREAKFAST. just tonight i made fresh orange/pineapple/banana smoothies for tomorrow and thursday morning, since i don't allow time/aren't hungry before i start work.
-also relevant to the last note, don't starve myself throughout the day. even if i think i am too busy to go to the bathroom or grab a snack. its better to just take time to pee and eat something i brought from home, than hold it and just forage from the candy basket. (common sense, i know, but easier said than done in my work environment when you only get 30 minutes of breaktime for a 9 hour day).
-and lastly, don't let work affect my personal relationships. and don't let personal relationships affect work. compartmentalize, if you will. also easier said than done, but it's a must. just tonight i refused to talk to one of my besties because work was too stressful and too exhausting. i know sometimes that happens, but i hate that that, of all things, was my reason.
anyway, tomorrow is a new day, and only one more week before i get my tuesday afternoons off again. (dont be too jealous though, that just means i go back to 40 hours a week instead of 45+. and even that doesn't sound like a lot, but lets just say my sanity is only attainable that way. and so is the gym :) )
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
i have a confession...
so before i went to bed tonight, i decided to do the usual internet stuff: check my email, check my bank statement, view blogs, & peruse the world of facebook.
well thats where i took a wrong turn. i'll admit it, i was facebook stalking someone. an old crush to be exact. a brother of a close friend i once wrote a secret poem to. now, to be more blatantly honest, he's not even a facebook "friend" of mine, just someone who popped up as a "friend" of this other someone.
but because of his profile picture, i couldn't stop myself.
in that, was literally his profile with hot air balloons in the background. i LOVE hot air balloons. i have an entire photo album dedicated to a day at a balloon festival....and then some.
so then i decided to look at more of his photos, and what was the next one i saw? him playing piano (well a keyboard, actually) with a big red letter "S" in the background!?!?! (um...my first initial for those who didn't catch on right away)
okay, then i started freaking out a bit...internally that is. i thought to myself, "is this supposed to be a sign?"
and as ridiculous of a thought as i knew this was, i couldn't help but wonder... "what if we did become friends in real life? and what if we dated? where would he/i be now? what if we are still supposed to get together in the end?"
after the last question i kind of had to slap myself in the face. what am i doing? the love of my life is sleeping in the next room, and here i am, fantasizing about some guy. some guy who all i really know of promotes freedom for immigrants, spent 2 years in Africa, is a poet/musician.....i mean...can you really blame me? plus, just an fyi, he's really, really attractive!
and then i had an epiphany. like most everything else in life, i can analogize with my favorite tv show- "Friends". (who, i watch(ed) with his younger sister all the time, by the way....)....because as i say, everything relates back to Friends.
anyway, i thought about the episode where in season 2 Ross has to decide between Julie and Rachel. he makes all these con marks against Rachel, and when he gets to Julie's side of the list he can only think of one thing wrong with her, "She's not Rachel."
and there you have it. this guy, who mostly exists in my imagination, looks good, amazing even, on paper. but there's one thing wrong with him....he's not Jesse.
well thats where i took a wrong turn. i'll admit it, i was facebook stalking someone. an old crush to be exact. a brother of a close friend i once wrote a secret poem to. now, to be more blatantly honest, he's not even a facebook "friend" of mine, just someone who popped up as a "friend" of this other someone.
but because of his profile picture, i couldn't stop myself.
in that, was literally his profile with hot air balloons in the background. i LOVE hot air balloons. i have an entire photo album dedicated to a day at a balloon festival....and then some.
so then i decided to look at more of his photos, and what was the next one i saw? him playing piano (well a keyboard, actually) with a big red letter "S" in the background!?!?! (um...my first initial for those who didn't catch on right away)
okay, then i started freaking out a bit...internally that is. i thought to myself, "is this supposed to be a sign?"
and as ridiculous of a thought as i knew this was, i couldn't help but wonder... "what if we did become friends in real life? and what if we dated? where would he/i be now? what if we are still supposed to get together in the end?"
after the last question i kind of had to slap myself in the face. what am i doing? the love of my life is sleeping in the next room, and here i am, fantasizing about some guy. some guy who all i really know of promotes freedom for immigrants, spent 2 years in Africa, is a poet/musician.....i mean...can you really blame me? plus, just an fyi, he's really, really attractive!
and then i had an epiphany. like most everything else in life, i can analogize with my favorite tv show- "Friends". (who, i watch(ed) with his younger sister all the time, by the way....)....because as i say, everything relates back to Friends.
anyway, i thought about the episode where in season 2 Ross has to decide between Julie and Rachel. he makes all these con marks against Rachel, and when he gets to Julie's side of the list he can only think of one thing wrong with her, "She's not Rachel."
and there you have it. this guy, who mostly exists in my imagination, looks good, amazing even, on paper. but there's one thing wrong with him....he's not Jesse.
Monday, July 18, 2011
i miss your words!
ode to....well....you're 50% of my audience, so you know who you are :)
ahem:
i have a fellow blogging friend,
but i do not know where she has been
i check her blog at least once a week
has she gotten lost, is she being meek?
i wish for words i cannot write,
and do not want to sound contrite,
but she's left me wanting, high and dry,
i miss her words, thus i sigh.
where are you C? i cry to the night,
i love your antecdotes on the fly,
and i just wanted you to know,
you are great and i love you so.
...and to the other 1 1/2 readers of mine, i love you too.
P.S. if you haven't checked out my other blog yet, you should: Once Upon a Time - sarahstorytime.blogspot.com. it's not quite as developed, and i'm working on a 5 part series (that will probably take 5 months the way it's going) but i think/hope you'll enjoy.
ahem:
i have a fellow blogging friend,
but i do not know where she has been
i check her blog at least once a week
has she gotten lost, is she being meek?
i wish for words i cannot write,
and do not want to sound contrite,
but she's left me wanting, high and dry,
i miss her words, thus i sigh.
where are you C? i cry to the night,
i love your antecdotes on the fly,
and i just wanted you to know,
you are great and i love you so.
...and to the other 1 1/2 readers of mine, i love you too.
P.S. if you haven't checked out my other blog yet, you should: Once Upon a Time - sarahstorytime.blogspot.com. it's not quite as developed, and i'm working on a 5 part series (that will probably take 5 months the way it's going) but i think/hope you'll enjoy.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
has it really been 10 years?
yesterday was a big day; (other than being a birthday to someone dear to me) it was my 10 year high school reunion. after much deliberation i decided to pay the fee, and drive about 6 hours round trip and just go.
and i'm glad i did. i actually had a lot of fun catching up with people, and jesse' helped me with the driving. and everyone that was present (about 25 of my classmates and their significant others, to be exact), was really very nice to me. except for about one person.
this is the whole irony of the night to me: the first person i saw was my favorite person, my best friend from middle/high school. she & her husband just happened to pull up in the parking lot right after i arrived. the second person i saw, however, was my least favorite person from my middle/high school days in Clarinda. she didn't acknowledge me at all. i tried to acknowledge her, but after my smile didn't break the ice on what can only be described as her meth-induced peakish face, i tried to forget it. and so she went on chain smoking and i went inside.
now, i'm not normally a mean/judgemental person. or at least i try not to be. i try to give people the benefit of the doubt. but this one person who gave me the cold shoulder last night was the same person who trashed my clarinet (literally- threw my clarinet - in case - in a garbage can), stuck gum in the hood of my new coat the first day of 8th grade, and in high school sat behind me in history class and taunted me each day with her nasty comments. one of my friends at the time told her off in front of everyone one day and that was pretty much the end of all her nastyness. but the fact remains, as nice of a person as i was, i still had a bully. and for no apparent reason, other than the fact that she just needed someone to be mean to.
and it's funny to me that after all these years, after all the hugs and handshakes and sincere kindness from all of my classmates except for her, it was once again reaffirmed that it is indeed her problem and not mine.
also- last night was the first night i drank beer from a keg. not that anyone really knew that, except jesse of course, but i thought it was worth mentioning. so if her reason to be mean to me back in the day was because i was too much of a goody two shoes, well, that reason no longer exists.
i would like to think that in 10 years time most people can change, or at the very least, are able to mature a little bit. but not everyone changes for the better. and last night was proof of that.
and i'm glad i did. i actually had a lot of fun catching up with people, and jesse' helped me with the driving. and everyone that was present (about 25 of my classmates and their significant others, to be exact), was really very nice to me. except for about one person.
this is the whole irony of the night to me: the first person i saw was my favorite person, my best friend from middle/high school. she & her husband just happened to pull up in the parking lot right after i arrived. the second person i saw, however, was my least favorite person from my middle/high school days in Clarinda. she didn't acknowledge me at all. i tried to acknowledge her, but after my smile didn't break the ice on what can only be described as her meth-induced peakish face, i tried to forget it. and so she went on chain smoking and i went inside.
now, i'm not normally a mean/judgemental person. or at least i try not to be. i try to give people the benefit of the doubt. but this one person who gave me the cold shoulder last night was the same person who trashed my clarinet (literally- threw my clarinet - in case - in a garbage can), stuck gum in the hood of my new coat the first day of 8th grade, and in high school sat behind me in history class and taunted me each day with her nasty comments. one of my friends at the time told her off in front of everyone one day and that was pretty much the end of all her nastyness. but the fact remains, as nice of a person as i was, i still had a bully. and for no apparent reason, other than the fact that she just needed someone to be mean to.
and it's funny to me that after all these years, after all the hugs and handshakes and sincere kindness from all of my classmates except for her, it was once again reaffirmed that it is indeed her problem and not mine.
also- last night was the first night i drank beer from a keg. not that anyone really knew that, except jesse of course, but i thought it was worth mentioning. so if her reason to be mean to me back in the day was because i was too much of a goody two shoes, well, that reason no longer exists.
i would like to think that in 10 years time most people can change, or at the very least, are able to mature a little bit. but not everyone changes for the better. and last night was proof of that.
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