fall has always been a season for change, both literally and figuratively. and this year, I've been feeling it more than ever.
i suppose it started this summer, when i turned 30. as tentative as i was about entering a new decade in my life, officially being able to say "i'm in my 30's", and all the societal expectations that comes with it, i never expected certain things to happen.
and the biggest thing i never expected to happen this year, was to become a homeowner. and now that jesse and i are officially 3 days from closing on our house, it seems more surreal than ever.
every time i blog (which is now more few and far between than ever) i have to chuckle at the last blog post i had written and how in a few weeks or months i am in such a different state of mind than i was before. for instance, in my last post i was complaining about money and feeling poor. and the fact that we're buying a house seems like such a disconnect, even if part of the reason we are doing so is to save money in the long run.
so no i'm not any richer. but these last few months have made me wiser. and my relationship with jesse has become even stronger. sometimes it takes a huge change, scary or exciting as it may be, to realize how grateful you are for what you have.
this has also been a weird year due to the fact that some of my favorite tv series are over forever! for example, "Breaking Bad", "Dexter", and of course "What Not to Wear." this evening i watched my recording of the WNTW season/series finale. and during the final show recaps, hearing the wonderful things said by the hosts, and contestants, and other fans such as myself, i got all choked up. and as the tears filled my eyes, i said out loud, "wow, I am such a pathetic loser!" and jesse in his lovingly teasing way concurred. and as i let a few tears fall i realized, just as that wonderful TLC show was never really about clothes (okay it was a little bit about clothes) but mostly about building women's confidence and self-esteem, and in the same way my emotional response wasn't really about the end of a tv show, but about the end of a phase of my life.
when a big change comes, even if it's moving on to bigger and better things, it still means saying goodbye to a part of your existence. and if that part of your existence happened to be full of wonderful moments, it's hard to let go.
for the past 7 years i've lived with jesse in this apartment. (the one small move we had didn't count since the apartment was the exact same layout, just bigger and the same general west des moines location). and 7 years is a long time. not only have we learned so much about each other but we've learned so much about ourselves. i started my adulthood in these apartments. these walls have seen a thousand tears; they've heard a million laughs. they've answered a hundred questions that usually start with "what do i do now?", including our next move.
there's always a trade off when change happens. in this case, as it should be, the pros out weigh the cons. but saying hello to more bedrooms means saying goodbye to my huge walk-in closet. saying hello to a beautiful yard means saying goodbye to free lawn care and snow removal. saying hello to painting the walls any color i want and having new stainless steel appliances also means saying goodbye to free repairs and maintenance done by somebody else.
and another series of questions arises in my head as well: what happens next? does getting a house mean we have to start having babies and staying at home more because we can't afford to go out and take trips? does this new step in life intrinsically move me 5 boxes forward in the game of life? are we ready for this? am i?
seven years ago as a recent college grad, besides getting a job in my major field, i was concerned about going shopping for new clothes every weekend, learning new moves in the bedroom, and hanging out with my friends as often as possible. the former few concerns aren't at the forefront of my mind these days, but the latter one remains true. and sometimes, when people "move on" or "settle down" all it means is that they move off the grid. and sometimes, that's okay. but so much of my life i've defined who i am as a person by how many people are surrounding me at the time. things change when you're surrounded by mainly one person for a long period of time and you have to decide, is it worth 7 more years, or 77 more? would i move across the globe with this person? will we still love each other when something in our beautiful new house breaks and we have to sacrifice means to fix it? will we let the fate of our own parents and grandparents determine our own?
common law says we're married; society doesn't. in fact our realtor on more than one occasion has asked, "when's the wedding?" so what do i say? i say that buying a house together (aka committing at least the next 30 years of our life together) is a pretty big step forward. we may never fit into a certain mold, but we fit with each other. i don't have any regrets about the past 7 years. and i'm so thrilled, so blessed, to share a life with someone who loves me the way he does. because that's what truly makes a house a home, wherever you may dwell.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
grocery shopping gives me OCD
yes, yes, it goes without saying that i've ignored blogging for the past few months, and for several reasons. without going into too much detail, here's a list of 5 reasons why I haven't written:
1) i saw a therapist for a few months, which was a good form of catharsis, and thereby decreased my need to blog
2) life gets really busy when spring and summer come around
3) work has been so stressful lately i need all the time i can get just to not think for a few hours at night and on weekends when i actually have some free time
4) i didn't like the depressing turn my blog took the past few entries...because that's not who i am and how i feel all the time
5) i didn't want it to be an obligation, and the important people in my life already know what's going on in it :)
****
MEANWHILE- and again without being too depressing i want to talk about money and why grocery shopping makes me feel like a crazy person.
money sucks. the need for money sucks. the fact that [we] work really hard 5 days a week to spend all our hard earned money 2 days a week sucks even more, and if you think about it, is really wrong and backwards.
theoretically, i'm in the best place financially i've been in years; i have a full time (non-temporary) job with benefits, i don't have any credit cards or credit card debt, i don't have any car payments and i rarely have to buy gas since i live close enough to walk to work, and i don't have any kids.
so then, pray tell, why am i so broke? and maybe everyone feels this way. don't get me wrong, i have what i need, and i get about 60% of what i want, whether it be going out to eat 3-4 times a week, or getting new bedroom décor.
but instead of eating good food, lately i've eaten cheap fast food to save money. and instead of getting new bedroom furniture cause i'm 30 and still sleeping in the same bed I've had since i was 3-years-old, i just got a new comforter and some candles to change the color scheme, and moved my furniture around to make it feel like a different space.
and before you start thinking this is just another blog post where i'm feeling sorry for myself, read on. my point is, or i guess my question is, how is it that i can't afford to fix my broken car ac? how is it that i have to choose between getting someone a bridal shower present and getting myself a pedicure? and while both of those things might seem completely unnecessary, my point is, with everything i mentioned 3 paragraphs ago, i should be able to afford both right?
***
jesse and i had talked about going camping this weekend...getting a way from it all in an affordable way, and enjoying the great outdoors. but, when the great outdoors decided to be 100 degrees, we decided on a Champp's burger, and comedic matinee in an air conditioned theater instead. and then we made the mistake of getting groceries. oh so excited by coupons and fuel saver deals, we stocked up as we were out of about everything, since we didn't get much groceries the last couple weeks. and all the while being frugal we still managed to spend $160. on crap. on a bag boy putting bananas and bread in the bottom of the bags.
so as we were loading the bags into our trunk, I had my 4th freak out of the week. i was angry, no, indignant; as an [insert grocery store name here] former employee myself, it mortified me how badly he sacked our overpriced, even non-organic food that we paid good money for! which happens ALL the time! what a moron! and don't even get me started on the cart corrals; people putting the small carts on the big cart side even when there's only 3 carts in there! what inconsiderate jerks!! and while i know these things aren't the end of the world, it just astonishes me that we as a society have forgotten the simplest of all social rules: the golden rule.
i know everyone is busy, everyone is tired, and apparently lazy, but it doesn't take that much time and energy to be considerate, does it?
so i left the grocery store feeling more and more like a crazy person. but after a week of things breaking (i.e. ripped bed sheets, faulty internet, ac leaking water and mold underneath a closet area...etc) it's so easy to be angry and feel hopeless, even if it is about things that shouldn't matter all that much. but at the end of the day, we live where we live, and if it isn't a good environment, it makes us want to go away and do things and going away to do things (i.e. eating out, road trips, etc.) costs money that we don't have.
so i don't have any big time revelations after today, except that from now on i will be bagging my groceries myself.
as for the other stuff, i guess it's just about priorities, and i would rather have a fun night out with jesse, than a working ac unit in my car when it's almost fall anyway.
holy crap, it's almost fall!
1) i saw a therapist for a few months, which was a good form of catharsis, and thereby decreased my need to blog
2) life gets really busy when spring and summer come around
3) work has been so stressful lately i need all the time i can get just to not think for a few hours at night and on weekends when i actually have some free time
4) i didn't like the depressing turn my blog took the past few entries...because that's not who i am and how i feel all the time
5) i didn't want it to be an obligation, and the important people in my life already know what's going on in it :)
****
MEANWHILE- and again without being too depressing i want to talk about money and why grocery shopping makes me feel like a crazy person.
money sucks. the need for money sucks. the fact that [we] work really hard 5 days a week to spend all our hard earned money 2 days a week sucks even more, and if you think about it, is really wrong and backwards.
theoretically, i'm in the best place financially i've been in years; i have a full time (non-temporary) job with benefits, i don't have any credit cards or credit card debt, i don't have any car payments and i rarely have to buy gas since i live close enough to walk to work, and i don't have any kids.
so then, pray tell, why am i so broke? and maybe everyone feels this way. don't get me wrong, i have what i need, and i get about 60% of what i want, whether it be going out to eat 3-4 times a week, or getting new bedroom décor.
but instead of eating good food, lately i've eaten cheap fast food to save money. and instead of getting new bedroom furniture cause i'm 30 and still sleeping in the same bed I've had since i was 3-years-old, i just got a new comforter and some candles to change the color scheme, and moved my furniture around to make it feel like a different space.
and before you start thinking this is just another blog post where i'm feeling sorry for myself, read on. my point is, or i guess my question is, how is it that i can't afford to fix my broken car ac? how is it that i have to choose between getting someone a bridal shower present and getting myself a pedicure? and while both of those things might seem completely unnecessary, my point is, with everything i mentioned 3 paragraphs ago, i should be able to afford both right?
***
jesse and i had talked about going camping this weekend...getting a way from it all in an affordable way, and enjoying the great outdoors. but, when the great outdoors decided to be 100 degrees, we decided on a Champp's burger, and comedic matinee in an air conditioned theater instead. and then we made the mistake of getting groceries. oh so excited by coupons and fuel saver deals, we stocked up as we were out of about everything, since we didn't get much groceries the last couple weeks. and all the while being frugal we still managed to spend $160. on crap. on a bag boy putting bananas and bread in the bottom of the bags.
so as we were loading the bags into our trunk, I had my 4th freak out of the week. i was angry, no, indignant; as an [insert grocery store name here] former employee myself, it mortified me how badly he sacked our overpriced, even non-organic food that we paid good money for! which happens ALL the time! what a moron! and don't even get me started on the cart corrals; people putting the small carts on the big cart side even when there's only 3 carts in there! what inconsiderate jerks!! and while i know these things aren't the end of the world, it just astonishes me that we as a society have forgotten the simplest of all social rules: the golden rule.
i know everyone is busy, everyone is tired, and apparently lazy, but it doesn't take that much time and energy to be considerate, does it?
so i left the grocery store feeling more and more like a crazy person. but after a week of things breaking (i.e. ripped bed sheets, faulty internet, ac leaking water and mold underneath a closet area...etc) it's so easy to be angry and feel hopeless, even if it is about things that shouldn't matter all that much. but at the end of the day, we live where we live, and if it isn't a good environment, it makes us want to go away and do things and going away to do things (i.e. eating out, road trips, etc.) costs money that we don't have.
so i don't have any big time revelations after today, except that from now on i will be bagging my groceries myself.
as for the other stuff, i guess it's just about priorities, and i would rather have a fun night out with jesse, than a working ac unit in my car when it's almost fall anyway.
holy crap, it's almost fall!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
here and now and healing
.
"All winter we got carried away...
...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends... -(Coldplay)
the past 2 months have been hard. very hard. if you are reading this, you probably know why, so i won't go into detail about what happened with my family. but the stress of it all has given me a bit of depression and lack of desire for most everything...including writing.
so, i am not writing this out of self-pity, but rather, because i am finally starting to feel a bit like myself again. and not because the "situation" is resolved, but because i am finding out certain truths about myself and about life. truth #1: i don't have to be co-dependent.
i feel incredibly stupid admitting this, especially as a psych major, but i always had the wrong definition of "co-dependency" in my mind. i just thought it was as simple as 2 people being joint at the hip and not being able to do anything without the other person being 100% involved. well, that can be an outcome of co-dependency, but not necessarily the whole "kit and caboodle" of it all. i am learning the difference between sympathy, empathy, and co-dependency. and i'm trying be who i am without letting my mood be completely reliant on the actions and mood of everyone around me.
"It has gotten to my head.
Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.
It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again..." -(Sixpence None the Richer)
also, i am learning about grief and loss. truth #2: someone doesn't have to die for you to go through the typical stages of grief. because apparently, with the diagnosis of my therapist, those are the symptoms i show, based on previous and current events happening in my life. i am...someone who is dealing with loss. and hopefully, one day, i will have closure.
....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape
And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape" -(Coldplay)
.
"All winter we got carried away...
...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends... -(Coldplay)
the past 2 months have been hard. very hard. if you are reading this, you probably know why, so i won't go into detail about what happened with my family. but the stress of it all has given me a bit of depression and lack of desire for most everything...including writing.
so, i am not writing this out of self-pity, but rather, because i am finally starting to feel a bit like myself again. and not because the "situation" is resolved, but because i am finding out certain truths about myself and about life. truth #1: i don't have to be co-dependent.
i feel incredibly stupid admitting this, especially as a psych major, but i always had the wrong definition of "co-dependency" in my mind. i just thought it was as simple as 2 people being joint at the hip and not being able to do anything without the other person being 100% involved. well, that can be an outcome of co-dependency, but not necessarily the whole "kit and caboodle" of it all. i am learning the difference between sympathy, empathy, and co-dependency. and i'm trying be who i am without letting my mood be completely reliant on the actions and mood of everyone around me.
"It has gotten to my head.
Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.
It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again..." -(Sixpence None the Richer)
also, i am learning about grief and loss. truth #2: someone doesn't have to die for you to go through the typical stages of grief. because apparently, with the diagnosis of my therapist, those are the symptoms i show, based on previous and current events happening in my life. i am...someone who is dealing with loss. and hopefully, one day, i will have closure.
....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape
And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape" -(Coldplay)
.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
time to reflect & write
okay so first of all, holy cow. i haven't written anything since October. that is nuts, but life has been nuts, so to speak, with the Holidays and all that they bring. so i'm finally making time to write something, because i miss it, and finally have a day off with no present obligations or sickness holding me back.
right now life stands still for just a few hours. i can clean again and prepare for more company. i can be grateful for time with family and friends, and thankful that i have enough family and friends to keep me preoccupied for more than just a day. i can reflect on recent tragic events; be thankful that the school shooting was not the school my sister teaches at, and that the shooting in central Pennsylvania affected my grandparents only by way of that they knew a couple of the victims, but were not victims themselves. i can be sad that jesse's last living grandmother passed away before Christmas, but grateful she was put out of her misery, and grateful once again my grandparents are all still with us. and i can still be in my pajamas at 2 pm, and be happy we had a white Christmas, for the first time in years.
they say that Thanksgiving is the holiday to be thankful, but i think it should and want that to extend into Christmastime. speaking from experience, it's easy to get caught up in the materialistic-ness of the season. as a person who loves to give gifts, it's easier sometimes, to give than receive. it's easy to not be grateful, because you spent so much time and money on "ONE DAY" it seems, and even thought it's not over it feels like it is. it's always so easy to forget the real "reason for the season", and take time to just bless people by a kind word or a smile, when you have to go into work on a day that "the office is closed, but you live right across the street, so we need you to go in for a couple hours....". its easy to be frustrated when you make time to see almost everyone important in your life, but for some of them (e.g. parents & in-laws) it's either not enough time or the wrong time, and your efforts to make them apart of your life don't always feel appreciated.
but i get today. i get to write today and reflect today and be thankful today and not work and not travel today. it's very much needed. and too bad it's about half over. ;)
the next 3 weeks and weekends will be busy and hopefully joyful doing all of those previously mentioned things. and i'm looking forward to it. but here's the thing; as good as it is to "keep looking forward", sometimes by doing that i forget to enjoy the present. and the present isn't all bad. the present is what makes the past that i'm always so romantically nostalgic about.
so that's what today is for. and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth. and to quote one of my favorite "Coldplay" songs,
"All winter we got carried away...
...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends...
....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape"
ALSO,
there are a lot of other things that i've been thinking about for the past 2 months off & on, and wanted to write about but just haven't made time. so here are the topics, and you readers can decide the matter of my next online essay.(and perhaps I'll write about all of them, in time.)
"Maybe Freud was right; is everything phallic? Or is sex just exploited?"
"Why working with middle aged woman makes me feel inadequate."
"Being out of debt = more bills to pay?"
"My life in 5's- my top 5's in everything." (a re-edited sequel to "Sarah's Top Ten" from a couple years ago)
So nothing too serious, just some musings from the girl who psychoanalyzes everything.
right now life stands still for just a few hours. i can clean again and prepare for more company. i can be grateful for time with family and friends, and thankful that i have enough family and friends to keep me preoccupied for more than just a day. i can reflect on recent tragic events; be thankful that the school shooting was not the school my sister teaches at, and that the shooting in central Pennsylvania affected my grandparents only by way of that they knew a couple of the victims, but were not victims themselves. i can be sad that jesse's last living grandmother passed away before Christmas, but grateful she was put out of her misery, and grateful once again my grandparents are all still with us. and i can still be in my pajamas at 2 pm, and be happy we had a white Christmas, for the first time in years.
they say that Thanksgiving is the holiday to be thankful, but i think it should and want that to extend into Christmastime. speaking from experience, it's easy to get caught up in the materialistic-ness of the season. as a person who loves to give gifts, it's easier sometimes, to give than receive. it's easy to not be grateful, because you spent so much time and money on "ONE DAY" it seems, and even thought it's not over it feels like it is. it's always so easy to forget the real "reason for the season", and take time to just bless people by a kind word or a smile, when you have to go into work on a day that "the office is closed, but you live right across the street, so we need you to go in for a couple hours....". its easy to be frustrated when you make time to see almost everyone important in your life, but for some of them (e.g. parents & in-laws) it's either not enough time or the wrong time, and your efforts to make them apart of your life don't always feel appreciated.
but i get today. i get to write today and reflect today and be thankful today and not work and not travel today. it's very much needed. and too bad it's about half over. ;)
the next 3 weeks and weekends will be busy and hopefully joyful doing all of those previously mentioned things. and i'm looking forward to it. but here's the thing; as good as it is to "keep looking forward", sometimes by doing that i forget to enjoy the present. and the present isn't all bad. the present is what makes the past that i'm always so romantically nostalgic about.
so that's what today is for. and i'm going to milk it for all it's worth. and to quote one of my favorite "Coldplay" songs,
"All winter we got carried away...
...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends...
....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape"
ALSO,
there are a lot of other things that i've been thinking about for the past 2 months off & on, and wanted to write about but just haven't made time. so here are the topics, and you readers can decide the matter of my next online essay.(and perhaps I'll write about all of them, in time.)
"Maybe Freud was right; is everything phallic? Or is sex just exploited?"
"Why working with middle aged woman makes me feel inadequate."
"Being out of debt = more bills to pay?"
"My life in 5's- my top 5's in everything." (a re-edited sequel to "Sarah's Top Ten" from a couple years ago)
So nothing too serious, just some musings from the girl who psychoanalyzes everything.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
appreciating simplicity
i woke up thinking about my great aunt C, (or great aunt, once removed, to be exact). i don't know why i was thinking about her, maybe because of a dream i had or something. but regardless, she, whom i do not even have a relationship with, was on my thoughts.
last spring she was one of the people in Creston, IA to lose her home to the great tornado. in fact, she didn't even have a basement to hide in, so not only was her home completely destroyed, but her body was violently thrown into the nearest ditch. luckily, she was rescued and taken to the nearest hospital at the time. she is lucky to be alive, but she will most likely never walk again. and she doesn't have a husband or family in town to care for her.
i never really talked about this with anybody outside of work. one co-worker at the time shared stories about her son who was a freshman at SWCC and showed us pictures of all the destroyed dorms.
and maybe i'm thinking about all this because this weekend there were tornado warnings, or "watches" at the very least for southwest iowa. and i prayed it would not hit the towns of the people i love. i suppose that's the risk you take when you live in the midwest. but the thought still pokes at me; while my great aunt was getting tortured, i was in the basement of a church in central iowa, celebrating the nuptials of a good friend.
perhaps i'm feeling guilty. i've had lots of selfish thoughts & desires of late, some completely validated, some...not so much. and while that's "human", i feel it can't go without saying that i am truly grateful for the life that i have. i haven't had my home destroyed by tornadoes or fire; i haven't lost anyone i've truly loved, with the exception of a great grandmother & another great aunt over 10 years ago.
and now, i suppose i'm getting to that age where one starts to consider the fact that not only are their parents getting older, but so are their grandparent's, if they still have them around. my pap pap's life is a guessing game every day. in a few weeks he will undergo bone marrow transplant surgery- a very risky procedure involving stem cell rejuvination, because, well, it's necessary and the last resort at this point. he's had a very rare blood disease (aplastic anemia) as well as two bouts of lyme disease, because an outdoorsman he will always be. and this surgery he's having is all after chemo and radiation to kill his own existing stem cells.
i don't know all the medical jargon or all the details, but the truth is i'm scared. jesse & i were planning a vacation out in pennsylvania to see him & my grammy this fall, but with all that's going on he has to be in isolation and needless to say, the time when i feel most necessary to see him (just in case he passes), is the time when i can't.
it sucks. it totally does. but alas, this is life right?
and the past week i've tried to find joy in the little things, and not get so caught up with all the ickiness. just yesterday, we were enjoying brunch at I-Hop, (a monthly tradition, at least) and these 5 things caught my attention:
*a blind man and woman, with their helpers
*a little boy in a batman costume
*a man from the apartments across the street was smoking, meanwhile chasing & playing with dog
*a couple kissing in their car
*a little boy missing his two front teeth, wheezing and laughing with his sister
and for some odd reason, i felt connected with these people. at the very least, they caught my attention and made me smile & find joy in life's everyday moments. because everyone has a story, everyone has pain. but within those shared moments and experiences, lies joy. it's finding beauty in simplicity, i believe. and there's beauty all around us, and reasons to be grateful, if we just open our eyes.
last spring she was one of the people in Creston, IA to lose her home to the great tornado. in fact, she didn't even have a basement to hide in, so not only was her home completely destroyed, but her body was violently thrown into the nearest ditch. luckily, she was rescued and taken to the nearest hospital at the time. she is lucky to be alive, but she will most likely never walk again. and she doesn't have a husband or family in town to care for her.
i never really talked about this with anybody outside of work. one co-worker at the time shared stories about her son who was a freshman at SWCC and showed us pictures of all the destroyed dorms.
and maybe i'm thinking about all this because this weekend there were tornado warnings, or "watches" at the very least for southwest iowa. and i prayed it would not hit the towns of the people i love. i suppose that's the risk you take when you live in the midwest. but the thought still pokes at me; while my great aunt was getting tortured, i was in the basement of a church in central iowa, celebrating the nuptials of a good friend.
perhaps i'm feeling guilty. i've had lots of selfish thoughts & desires of late, some completely validated, some...not so much. and while that's "human", i feel it can't go without saying that i am truly grateful for the life that i have. i haven't had my home destroyed by tornadoes or fire; i haven't lost anyone i've truly loved, with the exception of a great grandmother & another great aunt over 10 years ago.
and now, i suppose i'm getting to that age where one starts to consider the fact that not only are their parents getting older, but so are their grandparent's, if they still have them around. my pap pap's life is a guessing game every day. in a few weeks he will undergo bone marrow transplant surgery- a very risky procedure involving stem cell rejuvination, because, well, it's necessary and the last resort at this point. he's had a very rare blood disease (aplastic anemia) as well as two bouts of lyme disease, because an outdoorsman he will always be. and this surgery he's having is all after chemo and radiation to kill his own existing stem cells.
i don't know all the medical jargon or all the details, but the truth is i'm scared. jesse & i were planning a vacation out in pennsylvania to see him & my grammy this fall, but with all that's going on he has to be in isolation and needless to say, the time when i feel most necessary to see him (just in case he passes), is the time when i can't.
it sucks. it totally does. but alas, this is life right?
and the past week i've tried to find joy in the little things, and not get so caught up with all the ickiness. just yesterday, we were enjoying brunch at I-Hop, (a monthly tradition, at least) and these 5 things caught my attention:
*a blind man and woman, with their helpers
*a little boy in a batman costume
*a man from the apartments across the street was smoking, meanwhile chasing & playing with dog
*a couple kissing in their car
*a little boy missing his two front teeth, wheezing and laughing with his sister
and for some odd reason, i felt connected with these people. at the very least, they caught my attention and made me smile & find joy in life's everyday moments. because everyone has a story, everyone has pain. but within those shared moments and experiences, lies joy. it's finding beauty in simplicity, i believe. and there's beauty all around us, and reasons to be grateful, if we just open our eyes.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
10 facts, and the rest of what's in my head
10 facts:
1) i just realized i haven't written since August, and here it is, less than a week away from October. holy cow.
2) i have been kind of sick for the past few days :(
3) i miss certain friends so much it almost hurts.
4) i cannot wait until jesse & i go on our quasi-vacation in just a few weeks!
5) political commercials are super annoying, and i'm so ready for the election to be over i almost don't care who wins.
6) last weekend i cleaned the garage & did 6 loads of laundry & brought all my plants inside (yay for fall!)
7) i get goosebumps when i have my ipod on shuffle and suddenly one of my favorite songs starts playing.
8) i haven't slept well in almost a month now.
9) i decided yet again i should start looking for a good therapist in the greater Des Moines area.
10) cheese is the best food. there, i said it. :)
part 2
okay. so my undergrad college has been calling/soliciting me & my live in partner for 3 days in a row now. it's funny- we always know it is them because it's a 712 area code number, and they call one of us exactly 2 minutes before the other one. well, tonight they finally decided to leave a voicemail to tell me they will be mailing me some information about the "give more, get more" program or something like that. and do you know what the first thought to come to mind was? that when i was a pre-freshman at college, i actually applied to be one of those caller-people for my work study. and i got rejected.
and then, of course i spiraled. i started thinking, not necessarily wallowing, just analyzing, about why time at NWC was such a bad time for me. and i realized, its because before i went to college, i was a winner. i got almost straight A's, i was involved in a lot of extracurriculars, i was fairly popular by my senior year of high school, and i wasn't just a band geek, i was a band champion. i got the highest honors & awards a band geek could get, including the John Philip Sousa award.
and then i went to college and i felt like a loser. i wasn't even good enough to be a liberal arts telemarketer, or an RA for that matter. nope, instead, i was most qualified to scrub toilets and throw away dirty tampons. and instead of being at the top of my class, i was horrified my senior year in realizing i missed one too many chapel days and had to take a special class with the other 5 delinquents and do community service as punishment. yep, true story.
so to sum up, i went from being in the babysitters club, to being in the breakfast club. and as it probably goes without saying, not only does that make a person become slightly bitter, but it also makes one really evaluate themselves and takes a toll on your self-esteem.
none of this may really matter now, but as i look over certain choices i made about this or that, post college, or even about missed opportunities, because i was afraid of rejection, it doesn't sit very well with me.
every consequence has an action, but every action started as an effect of an even greater cause.
and for me, i still blame my parent's a little bit. mostly my dad. no i DO NOT want to turn 30 and still have Daddy issues, but after an unforgettably tainted Labor Day weekend spent with my parents a can of worms was once again reopened and issues i thought weren't issues anymore came to the surface and since then i have, as i mentioned above, not slept well and have had stomach problems because of.
because lets face it, old dirty worms are gross. especially when you thought they were dead.
and now i'm just at the point where i'm trying to decide what to do about it.
do i do nothing, except bury them again and pretend they don't exist?
do i make a bad situation worse, and cut off certain ties, only to hurt some of the people i love the most?
do i seek professional help, because apparently no one else is willing to?
or do i continue to tread lightly, spending little to no time around this person that makes me feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and unhappy, all at once?
i don't always want to think about it, but it's not always voluntary, and repressing it has led to several health issues. and also problems in other areas of life.
i don't know how many people know what it's like to fall back into the shadows, while it seems that your friends are being illuminated, in all their successes, and talents, and accomplishments, or at the very least "cultural milestones" in life. and not because their lives are perfect, but because they are apparently better at coping with the bad things and rising above them than i am.
i used to be so fearless. i used to not embarrass easily. i used to be the center of attention and the life of a party.
now i've stepped back and become a wallflower receptionist . i used to want to help people....but of course that failed too, because apparently i am the one who needs help. i mean, how can you tell people how to live well, when you yourself don't know? whatever i say would be hypocritical it seems. i know it's all a matter of perspective, but this is mine, and maybe one i failed to share before for fear of being judged as crazy or self-victimizing.
i have a good life. i am content, for the most part. and i am mature enough to realize everyone has past demons, and things they wish maybe went differently. but i'm also honest enough to say hey! really? why was i only good enough to clean up other people's shit?! it does something to a person, it really does.
in addition:
i'm really getting tired of work bs (which i know happens everywhere) but lately, and especially today, has made me want to quit my job. but if i do, i will be left on a ledge, having 15, yes 15, past jobs and becoming more and more like my dad for not willing to suck it up & deal with it.
now i know there's a fine line between a well thought out 2 weeks notice, amd just storming out of an office because someone made fun of your hat, but it still scares me to see any slight reflection of this man inside me.
also- i know that a lot of those jobs were silly part time things between high school & college, so they don't really count. and i know that today was just a bad day. but i don't know if i can ever be one of those people who can say, "yes, i lived in the same house for 65 years, was married for 60, and worked at the same place for 35 of those 65 years."
i kind of wish i was, but it's not me. i just can't see it.
and at this point i don't know what's worse; constantly looking over the fence for grass that is greener? or taking a risk & jumping over it only to find yourself in a pile of mud.
jesse always says it's not what you do 8-5 that matters in the scheme of life, but what you come home to that matters. in that respect, this all feels very silly.
but 40 hours a week is still a lot of time to "not matter". because, in the end, it always does. whether you want it to or not.
and it doesn't help that even Biblical promises are contradictory, if i had nothing else to go to but that for guidance. should i "press on toward the goal!" (Philippians 3:14) or should i "be content with what i have?" (Philippians 4:11-12). both pieces of advice come from the same book of the Bible for crying out loud! no wonder i'm so confused!
conclusion:
(wow. this was a long post. i'd be suprised if anyone made it all the way to the bottom.)
also-don't worry about me too much. i'm really okay- but this is what i do. i feel, i think, i analyze. now if i could just know all the answers, i'd be in great shape!
but i suppose, sometimes not knowing is what connects us all as humans :)
1) i just realized i haven't written since August, and here it is, less than a week away from October. holy cow.
2) i have been kind of sick for the past few days :(
3) i miss certain friends so much it almost hurts.
4) i cannot wait until jesse & i go on our quasi-vacation in just a few weeks!
5) political commercials are super annoying, and i'm so ready for the election to be over i almost don't care who wins.
6) last weekend i cleaned the garage & did 6 loads of laundry & brought all my plants inside (yay for fall!)
7) i get goosebumps when i have my ipod on shuffle and suddenly one of my favorite songs starts playing.
8) i haven't slept well in almost a month now.
9) i decided yet again i should start looking for a good therapist in the greater Des Moines area.
10) cheese is the best food. there, i said it. :)
part 2
okay. so my undergrad college has been calling/soliciting me & my live in partner for 3 days in a row now. it's funny- we always know it is them because it's a 712 area code number, and they call one of us exactly 2 minutes before the other one. well, tonight they finally decided to leave a voicemail to tell me they will be mailing me some information about the "give more, get more" program or something like that. and do you know what the first thought to come to mind was? that when i was a pre-freshman at college, i actually applied to be one of those caller-people for my work study. and i got rejected.
and then, of course i spiraled. i started thinking, not necessarily wallowing, just analyzing, about why time at NWC was such a bad time for me. and i realized, its because before i went to college, i was a winner. i got almost straight A's, i was involved in a lot of extracurriculars, i was fairly popular by my senior year of high school, and i wasn't just a band geek, i was a band champion. i got the highest honors & awards a band geek could get, including the John Philip Sousa award.
and then i went to college and i felt like a loser. i wasn't even good enough to be a liberal arts telemarketer, or an RA for that matter. nope, instead, i was most qualified to scrub toilets and throw away dirty tampons. and instead of being at the top of my class, i was horrified my senior year in realizing i missed one too many chapel days and had to take a special class with the other 5 delinquents and do community service as punishment. yep, true story.
so to sum up, i went from being in the babysitters club, to being in the breakfast club. and as it probably goes without saying, not only does that make a person become slightly bitter, but it also makes one really evaluate themselves and takes a toll on your self-esteem.
none of this may really matter now, but as i look over certain choices i made about this or that, post college, or even about missed opportunities, because i was afraid of rejection, it doesn't sit very well with me.
every consequence has an action, but every action started as an effect of an even greater cause.
and for me, i still blame my parent's a little bit. mostly my dad. no i DO NOT want to turn 30 and still have Daddy issues, but after an unforgettably tainted Labor Day weekend spent with my parents a can of worms was once again reopened and issues i thought weren't issues anymore came to the surface and since then i have, as i mentioned above, not slept well and have had stomach problems because of.
because lets face it, old dirty worms are gross. especially when you thought they were dead.
and now i'm just at the point where i'm trying to decide what to do about it.
do i do nothing, except bury them again and pretend they don't exist?
do i make a bad situation worse, and cut off certain ties, only to hurt some of the people i love the most?
do i seek professional help, because apparently no one else is willing to?
or do i continue to tread lightly, spending little to no time around this person that makes me feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and unhappy, all at once?
i don't always want to think about it, but it's not always voluntary, and repressing it has led to several health issues. and also problems in other areas of life.
i don't know how many people know what it's like to fall back into the shadows, while it seems that your friends are being illuminated, in all their successes, and talents, and accomplishments, or at the very least "cultural milestones" in life. and not because their lives are perfect, but because they are apparently better at coping with the bad things and rising above them than i am.
i used to be so fearless. i used to not embarrass easily. i used to be the center of attention and the life of a party.
now i've stepped back and become a wallflower receptionist . i used to want to help people....but of course that failed too, because apparently i am the one who needs help. i mean, how can you tell people how to live well, when you yourself don't know? whatever i say would be hypocritical it seems. i know it's all a matter of perspective, but this is mine, and maybe one i failed to share before for fear of being judged as crazy or self-victimizing.
i have a good life. i am content, for the most part. and i am mature enough to realize everyone has past demons, and things they wish maybe went differently. but i'm also honest enough to say hey! really? why was i only good enough to clean up other people's shit?! it does something to a person, it really does.
in addition:
i'm really getting tired of work bs (which i know happens everywhere) but lately, and especially today, has made me want to quit my job. but if i do, i will be left on a ledge, having 15, yes 15, past jobs and becoming more and more like my dad for not willing to suck it up & deal with it.
now i know there's a fine line between a well thought out 2 weeks notice, amd just storming out of an office because someone made fun of your hat, but it still scares me to see any slight reflection of this man inside me.
also- i know that a lot of those jobs were silly part time things between high school & college, so they don't really count. and i know that today was just a bad day. but i don't know if i can ever be one of those people who can say, "yes, i lived in the same house for 65 years, was married for 60, and worked at the same place for 35 of those 65 years."
i kind of wish i was, but it's not me. i just can't see it.
and at this point i don't know what's worse; constantly looking over the fence for grass that is greener? or taking a risk & jumping over it only to find yourself in a pile of mud.
jesse always says it's not what you do 8-5 that matters in the scheme of life, but what you come home to that matters. in that respect, this all feels very silly.
but 40 hours a week is still a lot of time to "not matter". because, in the end, it always does. whether you want it to or not.
and it doesn't help that even Biblical promises are contradictory, if i had nothing else to go to but that for guidance. should i "press on toward the goal!" (Philippians 3:14) or should i "be content with what i have?" (Philippians 4:11-12). both pieces of advice come from the same book of the Bible for crying out loud! no wonder i'm so confused!
conclusion:
(wow. this was a long post. i'd be suprised if anyone made it all the way to the bottom.)
also-don't worry about me too much. i'm really okay- but this is what i do. i feel, i think, i analyze. now if i could just know all the answers, i'd be in great shape!
but i suppose, sometimes not knowing is what connects us all as humans :)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
woman of faith
i believe in God, or at the very least, the "best" in humans. i believe in the devil, or at the very least, the "worst" in all humans. i believe in natural consequences. i believe that we are all connected; we being animals, ecosystems, humans. i believe things happen for a reason, even if that reason is pure coincidence. i would like to believe in a supernatural Deity who hears our prayers and sometimes intervenes for the better. i have had certain experiences that have led me to once again get closer to believing this.
sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling. but other times this happens:
a few weeks ago i was having a normal day. i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was? one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago. and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!) and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears. seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad. but it evoked a world in me. a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced. all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger. he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well. all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.
so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference. i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy. i felt such joy!
and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.
this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister. they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now. maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal. but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)
and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went. it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!) but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.
yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello." and it is him. he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.
i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life. it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.
one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy! that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.
and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.
the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight. and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.
and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.
He found me before it was too late.
sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling. but other times this happens:
a few weeks ago i was having a normal day. i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was? one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago. and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!) and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears. seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad. but it evoked a world in me. a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced. all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger. he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well. all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.
so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference. i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy. i felt such joy!
and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.
this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister. they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now. maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal. but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)
and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went. it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!) but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.
yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello." and it is him. he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.
i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life. it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.
one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy! that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.
and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.
the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight. and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.
and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.
He found me before it was too late.
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