10 facts, and the rest of what's in my head

10 facts:

1) i just realized i haven't written since August, and here it is, less than a week away from October. holy cow.

2) i have been kind of sick for the past few days :(

3) i miss certain friends so much it almost hurts.

4) i cannot wait until jesse & i go on our quasi-vacation in just a few weeks!

5) political commercials are super annoying, and i'm so ready for the election to be over i almost don't care who wins.

6) last weekend i cleaned the garage & did 6 loads of laundry & brought all my plants inside (yay for fall!)

7) i get goosebumps when i have my ipod on shuffle and suddenly one of my favorite songs starts playing. 

8) i haven't slept well in almost a month now.

9) i decided yet again i should start looking for a good therapist in the greater Des Moines area.

10) cheese is the best food. there, i said it. :)




part 2



okay. so my undergrad college has been calling/soliciting me & my live in partner for 3 days in a row now. it's funny- we always know it is them because it's a 712 area code number, and they call one of us exactly 2 minutes before the other one.  well, tonight they finally decided to leave a voicemail to tell me they will be mailing me some information about the "give more, get more" program or something like that.  and do you know what the first thought to come to mind was?  that when i was a pre-freshman at college, i actually applied to be one of those caller-people for my work study.  and i got rejected. 

and then, of course i spiraled.  i started thinking, not necessarily wallowing, just analyzing, about why time at NWC was such a bad time for me.  and i realized, its because before i went to college, i was a winner.  i got almost straight A's, i was involved in a lot of extracurriculars, i was fairly popular by my senior year of high school, and i wasn't just a band geek, i was a band champion. i got the highest honors & awards a band geek could get, including the John Philip Sousa award.

and then i went to college and i felt like a loser. i wasn't even good enough to be a liberal arts telemarketer, or an RA for that matter.  nope, instead, i was most qualified to scrub toilets and throw away dirty tampons.   and instead of being at the top of my class, i was horrified my senior year in realizing i missed one too many chapel days and had to take a special class with the other 5 delinquents and do community service as punishment. yep, true story.

so to sum up, i went from being in the babysitters club, to being in the breakfast club.  and as it probably goes without saying, not only does that make a person become slightly bitter, but it also makes one really evaluate themselves and takes a toll on your self-esteem.


none of this may really matter now, but as i look over certain choices i made about this or that, post college, or even about missed opportunities, because i was afraid of rejection, it doesn't sit very well with me.


every consequence has an action, but every action started as an effect of an even greater cause.

and for me, i still blame my parent's a little bit. mostly my dad.  no i DO NOT want to turn 30 and still have Daddy issues, but after an unforgettably tainted Labor Day weekend spent with my parents a can of worms was once again reopened and issues i thought weren't issues anymore came to the surface and since then i have, as i mentioned above, not slept well and have had stomach problems because of.

because lets face it, old dirty worms are gross. especially when you thought they were dead.

and now i'm just at the point where i'm trying to decide what to do about it.

do i do nothing, except bury them again and pretend they don't exist?

do i make a bad situation worse, and cut off certain ties, only to hurt some of the people i love the most?

do i seek professional help, because apparently no one else is willing to?

or do i continue to tread lightly, spending little to no time around this person that makes me feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and unhappy, all at once?

i don't always want to think about it, but it's not always voluntary, and repressing it has led to several health issues.  and also problems in other areas of life.

i don't know how many people know what it's like to fall back into the shadows, while it seems that your friends are being illuminated, in all their successes, and talents, and accomplishments, or at the very least "cultural milestones" in life.  and not because their lives are perfect, but because they are apparently better at coping with the bad things and rising above them than i am.

i used to be so fearless. i used to not embarrass easily.  i used to be the center of attention and the life of a party. 

now i've stepped back and become a wallflower receptionist . i used to want to help people....but of course that failed too, because apparently i am the one who needs help. i mean, how can you tell people how to live well, when you yourself don't know? whatever i say would be hypocritical it seems.  i know it's all a matter of perspective, but this is mine, and maybe one i failed to share before for fear of being judged as crazy or self-victimizing.

i have a good life.  i am content, for the most part.  and i am mature enough to realize everyone has past demons, and things they wish maybe went differently.   but i'm also honest enough to say hey!  really?  why was i only good enough to clean up other people's shit?!   it does something to a person, it really does.


in addition:


i'm really getting tired of work bs (which i know happens everywhere) but lately, and especially today, has made me want to quit my job.  but if i do, i will be left on a ledge, having 15, yes 15, past jobs and becoming more and more like my dad for not willing to suck it up & deal with it.

now i know there's a fine line between a well thought out 2 weeks notice, amd just storming out of an office because someone made fun of your hat, but it still scares me to see any slight reflection of this man inside me.

also- i know that a lot of those jobs were silly part time things between high school & college, so they don't really count.  and i know that today was just a bad day.  but i don't know if i can ever be one of those people who can say, "yes, i lived in the same house for 65 years, was married for 60, and worked at the same place for 35 of those 65 years."

i kind of wish i was, but it's not me. i just can't see it.

and at this point i don't know what's worse; constantly looking over the fence for grass that is greener?  or taking a risk & jumping over it only to find yourself in a pile of mud.

jesse always says it's not what you do 8-5 that matters in the scheme of life, but what you come home to that matters.  in that respect, this all feels very silly.

but 40 hours a week is still a lot of time to "not matter". because, in the end, it always does. whether you want it to or not.

and it doesn't help that even Biblical promises are contradictory, if i had nothing else to go to but that for guidance.  should i "press on toward the goal!" (Philippians 3:14) or should i "be content with what i have?" (Philippians 4:11-12).  both pieces of advice come from the same book of the Bible for crying out loud! no wonder i'm so confused!


conclusion:

(wow. this was a long post. i'd be suprised if anyone made it all the way to the bottom.)

also-don't worry about me too much. i'm really okay- but this is what i do.  i feel, i think, i analyze.  now if i could just know all the answers, i'd be in great shape!

but i suppose, sometimes not knowing is what connects us all as humans :)

woman of faith

i believe in God, or at the very least, the "best" in humans.  i believe in the devil, or at the very least, the "worst" in all humans.  i believe in natural consequences. i believe that we are all connected; we being animals, ecosystems, humans. i believe things happen for a reason, even if that reason is pure coincidence.  i would like to believe in a supernatural Deity who hears our prayers and sometimes intervenes for the better.  i have had certain experiences that have led me to once again get closer to believing this.

sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling.  but other times this happens:

a few weeks ago i was having a normal day.  i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was?  one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago.  and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!)  and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears.  seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad.  but it evoked a world in me.  a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced.  all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger.  he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well.  all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.

so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference.  i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy.  i felt such joy!

and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.


this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister.  they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now.  maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal.  but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)

and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went.  it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!)  but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.

yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello."  and it is him.  he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.

i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life.  it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.

one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy!  that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.

and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.

the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight.  and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.

and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.

He found me before it was too late.

it's not that i have nothing to say...

...it's just that i've been too busy and too tired to say it.

i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced.  i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again.  i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?

and other thoughts like that.

i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical.  i've been, well, me.

i've had lots of good days, mostly.  and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.

because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?

after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?

and that's kind of where i am right now.  NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.

why fix something that isn't broken, right?

why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?

why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?

why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?

why pay all my bills on time and never have fun?  i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.

i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much.  it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life.  sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for.  i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)

maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.

the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes.  and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.

it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged.  i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!

and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out.  if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix.  if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i.  because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there.  but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right?  the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure.  but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.

i don't want to be the latter.  and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.

rare finds

when i was a child, i loved stickers. and with stickers, came sticker books. one of my favorite sticker books had several pages with a different category on each page, such as "Animals" or  "Weird Shapes" and even had pockets in which to place your leftover collection.  on one of the pages, the category was "Rare Finds."  i remember going up to my mom and asking her what "Rare Finds" meant. she told me it meant the really tiny accent stickers on a sheet of stickers, because those were, well, rare.  and so i filled the "Rare Finds" page up with bugs and flowers and small hearts and stars.

now that sticker book is hidden away somewhere, with most of my other childhood memorabilia.  and i don't know if it's the fact that it's Memorial Day weekend, or that i got to see some old friends & family recently, but whatever the case, it got me reminiscing about people and places, and well, things from my past.

sometimes, it's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you feel nothing is going right in your life. it might be regarding a job that isn't ideal, or certain relationships that aren't what you think they should be.  it might be just a day where you spill on your clean shirt, you step in a pile of mud, you forgot to put make-up on, and you didn't have time to shower. maybe someone close to you passed away.  maybe someone is consistently disrespecting you and you can't shake it.  maybe you can't seem to get ahead, financially. or maybe, you just feel sad for no reason.

but then, all of a sudden, if your lucky and you wait for it, you'll have "the moment".  a moment of peace and clarity, where you realize everything IS as it should be and you have so many wonderful people in your life (and in your house) who are so beautiful - inside & out - and talented and, for whatever reason, want to spend time with you!  and then you realize, wow. that's the stuff that really matters. that's the stuff it's easy to forget about and take for granted.  and those are the real moments of life to savor.  those rare occasions when everything is going right. those moments when you laugh so hard your face hurts.

those are the times of life that are truly "rare finds".  i may not be able to capture it all with the lens of a camera, or the ink of a pen. but i get to remember them, and hold them close.

3 facts of life

1) this was weekend 8, out of 8 weekends in a row we were doing things. and i'm so glad next weekend we can do nothing (and or everything...like laundry). life has been good, but way too busy for my taste.

2) i also enjoy a good excuse to stay at hotels. although they are usually overpriced, for me a hotel equals: a bed big enough for both of us, a room that i don't have to clean, and usually a swimming pool! (which is more exciting than our gym swimming pool/hot tub area...because there you have to pretend like you're working out or something :) )

3) i appreciate open bars at weddings. and just an fyi, i think jimmy johns is the perfect hangover food.

i blame daylight savings

okay, so the last few weeks have been shitty. lots of good moments have happened despite the shitty, but it hasn't been easy. and it all started the same weekend as daylight savings time. i know it's only an hour to "spring ahead" but having to wake up in darkness each day really affects me. and then other bad things happened...

thing 1) jesse had to work the overnight shift for 3 weeks. which means, i get to see him for 2-3 hours after work each night. and i can't call/text him during the day if i have any news of any kind because he's asleep. doable, but this means we couldn't even watch a movie by the time supper was ready because there wouldn't even be enough time to finish it. when he got home, i was waking up and super grumpy. when i got home: vice versa.


thing 2) to make a long story short, something bad happened at work. and because of this a *girl* has been giving me the silent treatment for about 2 weeks now. this particular co-worker can hold a grudge longer than a camel can hold it's bladder, to put things in perspective. and other co-workers have encouraged me that i did the right thing, and it can only get better from here. but at the same time, they're not the people who have to sit next to her all day, 5 days a week! needless to say, it's getting pretty unbearable.


thing 3) this weekend we went down to see my family to celebrate birthdays and palm sunday. and this is the 6th out of 8 weekends in a row we've dedicated to visiting or hosting people we love. but even though we love them, we're ready for a weekend just to ourselves, especially combined with the jesse overnight situation. anyway...all i wanted was a pleasant weekend with my family, away from the woes of work situations. well, long story short, once again, my *sister* & i ended up getting in a huge fight last night. in my opinion, we don't see or talk to one another enough to afford getting in a fight, big or small. and i also hate drama. i know sometimes it's inevitable, especially with family, but this time it was SO unnecessary. and it was such a slap in the face, after i gave her such a nice gift and was nothing but nice to her all day long.


so as you can assume, i'm pretty much exhausted. when we got home this afternoon, i took a nap. after i woke up, i worked on my new budget for the next few months, because even though i'll never have enough (it seems) that's one thing in life i can actually control. and other than this blog post, i tried not to dwell on the icky things in life.

trying to tell myself tomorrow's a new day, but i know not *everyone* might have that same perspective.

sometimes we feel like this

.
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"Lost at Sea" By Guster (my favorite band)

Home
I'm livin' alone
I'm starin' at the waves
I'm drinkin' in the gasoline

Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Walking in my sleep
Dreamin' of the major leagues

And who's been calling my name
Is it me, or's it getting darker in this town

You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked and surrounded by the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on.
Waiting for the land to come again

Alone, I'm drinkin' alone
I'm walkin' in the weeds
I'm sinkin' in a submarine

Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Trippin' on my feet
Singin' in a minor key

Is it true I will find a way
And I know
That's the biggest joke in town

You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked as we struggle in the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come again

You know, you know, we're all just castaways
Suspended on a line between the dark blue and the gray
But something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come we're waiting for our ship to come
Waiting for it all to come again