i believe in God, or at the very least, the "best" in humans. i believe in the devil, or at the very least, the "worst" in all humans. i believe in natural consequences. i believe that we are all connected; we being animals, ecosystems, humans. i believe things happen for a reason, even if that reason is pure coincidence. i would like to believe in a supernatural Deity who hears our prayers and sometimes intervenes for the better. i have had certain experiences that have led me to once again get closer to believing this.
sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling. but other times this happens:
a few weeks ago i was having a normal day. i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was? one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago. and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!) and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears. seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad. but it evoked a world in me. a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced. all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger. he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well. all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.
so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference. i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy. i felt such joy!
and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.
this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister. they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now. maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal. but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)
and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went. it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!) but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.
yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello." and it is him. he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.
i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life. it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.
one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy! that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.
and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.
the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight. and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.
and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.
He found me before it was too late.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
it's not that i have nothing to say...
...it's just that i've been too busy and too tired to say it.
i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced. i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again. i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?
and other thoughts like that.
i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical. i've been, well, me.
i've had lots of good days, mostly. and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.
because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?
after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?
and that's kind of where i am right now. NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.
why fix something that isn't broken, right?
why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?
why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?
why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?
why pay all my bills on time and never have fun? i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.
i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much. it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life. sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for. i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)
maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.
the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes. and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.
it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged. i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!
and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out. if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix. if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i. because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there. but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right? the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure. but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.
i don't want to be the latter. and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.
i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced. i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again. i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?
and other thoughts like that.
i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical. i've been, well, me.
i've had lots of good days, mostly. and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.
because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?
after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?
and that's kind of where i am right now. NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.
why fix something that isn't broken, right?
why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?
why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?
why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?
why pay all my bills on time and never have fun? i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.
i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much. it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life. sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for. i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)
maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.
the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes. and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.
it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged. i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!
and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out. if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix. if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i. because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there. but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right? the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure. but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.
i don't want to be the latter. and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
rare finds
when i was a child, i loved stickers. and with stickers, came sticker books. one of my favorite sticker books had several pages with a different category on each page, such as "Animals" or "Weird Shapes" and even had pockets in which to place your leftover collection. on one of the pages, the category was "Rare Finds." i remember going up to my mom and asking her what "Rare Finds" meant. she told me it meant the really tiny accent stickers on a sheet of stickers, because those were, well, rare. and so i filled the "Rare Finds" page up with bugs and flowers and small hearts and stars.
now that sticker book is hidden away somewhere, with most of my other childhood memorabilia. and i don't know if it's the fact that it's Memorial Day weekend, or that i got to see some old friends & family recently, but whatever the case, it got me reminiscing about people and places, and well, things from my past.
sometimes, it's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you feel nothing is going right in your life. it might be regarding a job that isn't ideal, or certain relationships that aren't what you think they should be. it might be just a day where you spill on your clean shirt, you step in a pile of mud, you forgot to put make-up on, and you didn't have time to shower. maybe someone close to you passed away. maybe someone is consistently disrespecting you and you can't shake it. maybe you can't seem to get ahead, financially. or maybe, you just feel sad for no reason.
but then, all of a sudden, if your lucky and you wait for it, you'll have "the moment". a moment of peace and clarity, where you realize everything IS as it should be and you have so many wonderful people in your life (and in your house) who are so beautiful - inside & out - and talented and, for whatever reason, want to spend time with you! and then you realize, wow. that's the stuff that really matters. that's the stuff it's easy to forget about and take for granted. and those are the real moments of life to savor. those rare occasions when everything is going right. those moments when you laugh so hard your face hurts.
those are the times of life that are truly "rare finds". i may not be able to capture it all with the lens of a camera, or the ink of a pen. but i get to remember them, and hold them close.
now that sticker book is hidden away somewhere, with most of my other childhood memorabilia. and i don't know if it's the fact that it's Memorial Day weekend, or that i got to see some old friends & family recently, but whatever the case, it got me reminiscing about people and places, and well, things from my past.
sometimes, it's easy to feel sorry for yourself when you feel nothing is going right in your life. it might be regarding a job that isn't ideal, or certain relationships that aren't what you think they should be. it might be just a day where you spill on your clean shirt, you step in a pile of mud, you forgot to put make-up on, and you didn't have time to shower. maybe someone close to you passed away. maybe someone is consistently disrespecting you and you can't shake it. maybe you can't seem to get ahead, financially. or maybe, you just feel sad for no reason.
but then, all of a sudden, if your lucky and you wait for it, you'll have "the moment". a moment of peace and clarity, where you realize everything IS as it should be and you have so many wonderful people in your life (and in your house) who are so beautiful - inside & out - and talented and, for whatever reason, want to spend time with you! and then you realize, wow. that's the stuff that really matters. that's the stuff it's easy to forget about and take for granted. and those are the real moments of life to savor. those rare occasions when everything is going right. those moments when you laugh so hard your face hurts.
those are the times of life that are truly "rare finds". i may not be able to capture it all with the lens of a camera, or the ink of a pen. but i get to remember them, and hold them close.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
3 facts of life
1) this was weekend 8, out of 8 weekends in a row we were doing things. and i'm so glad next weekend we can do nothing (and or everything...like laundry). life has been good, but way too busy for my taste.
2) i also enjoy a good excuse to stay at hotels. although they are usually overpriced, for me a hotel equals: a bed big enough for both of us, a room that i don't have to clean, and usually a swimming pool! (which is more exciting than our gym swimming pool/hot tub area...because there you have to pretend like you're working out or something :) )
3) i appreciate open bars at weddings. and just an fyi, i think jimmy johns is the perfect hangover food.
2) i also enjoy a good excuse to stay at hotels. although they are usually overpriced, for me a hotel equals: a bed big enough for both of us, a room that i don't have to clean, and usually a swimming pool! (which is more exciting than our gym swimming pool/hot tub area...because there you have to pretend like you're working out or something :) )
3) i appreciate open bars at weddings. and just an fyi, i think jimmy johns is the perfect hangover food.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
i blame daylight savings
okay, so the last few weeks have been shitty. lots of good moments have happened despite the shitty, but it hasn't been easy. and it all started the same weekend as daylight savings time. i know it's only an hour to "spring ahead" but having to wake up in darkness each day really affects me. and then other bad things happened...
thing 1) jesse had to work the overnight shift for 3 weeks. which means, i get to see him for 2-3 hours after work each night. and i can't call/text him during the day if i have any news of any kind because he's asleep. doable, but this means we couldn't even watch a movie by the time supper was ready because there wouldn't even be enough time to finish it. when he got home, i was waking up and super grumpy. when i got home: vice versa.
thing 2) to make a long story short, something bad happened at work. and because of this a *girl* has been giving me the silent treatment for about 2 weeks now. this particular co-worker can hold a grudge longer than a camel can hold it's bladder, to put things in perspective. and other co-workers have encouraged me that i did the right thing, and it can only get better from here. but at the same time, they're not the people who have to sit next to her all day, 5 days a week! needless to say, it's getting pretty unbearable.
thing 3) this weekend we went down to see my family to celebrate birthdays and palm sunday. and this is the 6th out of 8 weekends in a row we've dedicated to visiting or hosting people we love. but even though we love them, we're ready for a weekend just to ourselves, especially combined with the jesse overnight situation. anyway...all i wanted was a pleasant weekend with my family, away from the woes of work situations. well, long story short, once again, my *sister* & i ended up getting in a huge fight last night. in my opinion, we don't see or talk to one another enough to afford getting in a fight, big or small. and i also hate drama. i know sometimes it's inevitable, especially with family, but this time it was SO unnecessary. and it was such a slap in the face, after i gave her such a nice gift and was nothing but nice to her all day long.
so as you can assume, i'm pretty much exhausted. when we got home this afternoon, i took a nap. after i woke up, i worked on my new budget for the next few months, because even though i'll never have enough (it seems) that's one thing in life i can actually control. and other than this blog post, i tried not to dwell on the icky things in life.
trying to tell myself tomorrow's a new day, but i know not *everyone* might have that same perspective.
thing 1) jesse had to work the overnight shift for 3 weeks. which means, i get to see him for 2-3 hours after work each night. and i can't call/text him during the day if i have any news of any kind because he's asleep. doable, but this means we couldn't even watch a movie by the time supper was ready because there wouldn't even be enough time to finish it. when he got home, i was waking up and super grumpy. when i got home: vice versa.
thing 2) to make a long story short, something bad happened at work. and because of this a *girl* has been giving me the silent treatment for about 2 weeks now. this particular co-worker can hold a grudge longer than a camel can hold it's bladder, to put things in perspective. and other co-workers have encouraged me that i did the right thing, and it can only get better from here. but at the same time, they're not the people who have to sit next to her all day, 5 days a week! needless to say, it's getting pretty unbearable.
thing 3) this weekend we went down to see my family to celebrate birthdays and palm sunday. and this is the 6th out of 8 weekends in a row we've dedicated to visiting or hosting people we love. but even though we love them, we're ready for a weekend just to ourselves, especially combined with the jesse overnight situation. anyway...all i wanted was a pleasant weekend with my family, away from the woes of work situations. well, long story short, once again, my *sister* & i ended up getting in a huge fight last night. in my opinion, we don't see or talk to one another enough to afford getting in a fight, big or small. and i also hate drama. i know sometimes it's inevitable, especially with family, but this time it was SO unnecessary. and it was such a slap in the face, after i gave her such a nice gift and was nothing but nice to her all day long.
so as you can assume, i'm pretty much exhausted. when we got home this afternoon, i took a nap. after i woke up, i worked on my new budget for the next few months, because even though i'll never have enough (it seems) that's one thing in life i can actually control. and other than this blog post, i tried not to dwell on the icky things in life.
trying to tell myself tomorrow's a new day, but i know not *everyone* might have that same perspective.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
sometimes we feel like this
.
.
"Lost at Sea" By Guster (my favorite band)
Home
I'm livin' alone
I'm starin' at the waves
I'm drinkin' in the gasoline
Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Walking in my sleep
Dreamin' of the major leagues
And who's been calling my name
Is it me, or's it getting darker in this town
You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked and surrounded by the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on.
Waiting for the land to come again
Alone, I'm drinkin' alone
I'm walkin' in the weeds
I'm sinkin' in a submarine
Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Trippin' on my feet
Singin' in a minor key
Is it true I will find a way
And I know
That's the biggest joke in town
You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked as we struggle in the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come again
You know, you know, we're all just castaways
Suspended on a line between the dark blue and the gray
But something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come we're waiting for our ship to come
Waiting for it all to come again
.
"Lost at Sea" By Guster (my favorite band)
Home
I'm livin' alone
I'm starin' at the waves
I'm drinkin' in the gasoline
Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Walking in my sleep
Dreamin' of the major leagues
And who's been calling my name
Is it me, or's it getting darker in this town
You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked and surrounded by the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on.
Waiting for the land to come again
Alone, I'm drinkin' alone
I'm walkin' in the weeds
I'm sinkin' in a submarine
Since the fall, I've been lost at sea
Trippin' on my feet
Singin' in a minor key
Is it true I will find a way
And I know
That's the biggest joke in town
You know, you know, we're all just castaways
We're cold and wet and naked as we struggle in the waves
Something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come again
You know, you know, we're all just castaways
Suspended on a line between the dark blue and the gray
But something in the way
Hold on, hold on
Waiting for the land to come we're waiting for our ship to come
Waiting for it all to come again
Sunday, March 11, 2012
this weekend
was good. is good.
it's march; the air feels different. even though slight allergens are creeping in my open windows, so is the freshness that makes me breathe better.
rj (the initials i've decided to refer to my sister & brother-in-law) came up friday night and stayed most of saturday with us. we played games, watched a couple movies, ate some good food, you know- the usual as when you have company come to visit. although, i think my favorite part of the day was when i accompanied my sister to a seminar for playing percussion (in a worship band setting). this took place inside a mega-church here in dm. so of course it ended up being a bit superchristainy. e.g.- one of the leader's first comments was, "I'm taking for granted that you all love Jesus. and well, if you don't, come see me afterwords." and while it was not all that suprising to hear, i of course, was slightly offended. and not because i'm one of those scoudrels who slipped in that doesn't love Jesus, but because in that one comment he made, several implications were made as well. like...
* "what are you doing here if you are not a christian?"
* "well, i guess it's fine if you're attending to learn about drumming techniques, but make sure before you leave that you change your life perspective as well."
and lastly,
* "i have to say things like this, because if i don't, then the other people in the room will start doubting my christianity."
and really, it's all too familiar for my taste. it all seems scripted and old and tired and for a group of people who, like i said, are attending this for worship band purposes, it just seems obnoxious to me for him to throw a comment out there like that.
now, on the other hand, he did have a lot of good tips and rudimentals to offer the crowd. and i appreciated a lot of other things he had to say, especially about serving people in playing music. because, well, i've been there.
but for some reason, his other comment(s) just rubbed me the wrong way. and sometimes you have to write about silly things that offend you in order to stop being offended.
but like i said before, it was probably my favorite part of yesterday. why? because i got to be "alone" with my sister for an hour & a half. we didn't have any great conversations, or do anything life changing, much to the leader's dismay, i'm sure- (haha. sorry, had to throw that one out there)- but we were together. and i haven't been with my sister that long, uninterrupted, since we were kids. and it was so nice.
and today, i slept in, which was also so nice. sorry, didn't go to church today since apparently i did yesterday. :)
and now, i think i will go make some french toast.
it's march; the air feels different. even though slight allergens are creeping in my open windows, so is the freshness that makes me breathe better.
rj (the initials i've decided to refer to my sister & brother-in-law) came up friday night and stayed most of saturday with us. we played games, watched a couple movies, ate some good food, you know- the usual as when you have company come to visit. although, i think my favorite part of the day was when i accompanied my sister to a seminar for playing percussion (in a worship band setting). this took place inside a mega-church here in dm. so of course it ended up being a bit superchristainy. e.g.- one of the leader's first comments was, "I'm taking for granted that you all love Jesus. and well, if you don't, come see me afterwords." and while it was not all that suprising to hear, i of course, was slightly offended. and not because i'm one of those scoudrels who slipped in that doesn't love Jesus, but because in that one comment he made, several implications were made as well. like...
* "what are you doing here if you are not a christian?"
* "well, i guess it's fine if you're attending to learn about drumming techniques, but make sure before you leave that you change your life perspective as well."
and lastly,
* "i have to say things like this, because if i don't, then the other people in the room will start doubting my christianity."
and really, it's all too familiar for my taste. it all seems scripted and old and tired and for a group of people who, like i said, are attending this for worship band purposes, it just seems obnoxious to me for him to throw a comment out there like that.
now, on the other hand, he did have a lot of good tips and rudimentals to offer the crowd. and i appreciated a lot of other things he had to say, especially about serving people in playing music. because, well, i've been there.
but for some reason, his other comment(s) just rubbed me the wrong way. and sometimes you have to write about silly things that offend you in order to stop being offended.
but like i said before, it was probably my favorite part of yesterday. why? because i got to be "alone" with my sister for an hour & a half. we didn't have any great conversations, or do anything life changing, much to the leader's dismay, i'm sure- (haha. sorry, had to throw that one out there)- but we were together. and i haven't been with my sister that long, uninterrupted, since we were kids. and it was so nice.
and today, i slept in, which was also so nice. sorry, didn't go to church today since apparently i did yesterday. :)
and now, i think i will go make some french toast.
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