dreams

lately i've had trouble sleeping. which, is usually a normal thing for me, however, since i started working out on a regular basis a few months ago, it's really helped my sleeping habits overall.

but, apparently not this week. it's not that i don't feel tired, but always in the afternoons. so i take a nap, which isn't always a long one, but i'm sure makes the cycle repeat itself. and my boyfriend/roomate is currently working 3rd shift, and even though we don't always sleep in the same bed, it's still disconcerting to know that he's not in the next room.

and then there's the whole job thing. waiting to hear back, wondering what will happen. applying for more jobs daily, but no more interviews as of yet. constantly wondering if this is going to be the time in my life where my situation changes for good, or if i'll have to suck it up and be a temp again.

and because of all this stress, i have dreams. sometimes these dreams are completely unrelated to my real life, but they still pester me and wake me up on an hourly basis.

sigh. hopefully i'll get a (non-temp) job offer soon and can sleep a good, full night's sleep. a sleep with the peace of knowing everything will be different and better this time around. it really, really needs to be.

good news!

i have 2 interviews scheduled for next week! one tomorrow, one on tuesday. and both are full-time, with benefits jobs, NOT through my temp agency!!

best case scenario, i get offered both jobs and even more interviews so i can actually feel like i'm choosing what i think is best, instead of taking what i can get. worst case scenario, i don't get offered either position. but the fact that people have actually responded to my applications and want to see me for an interview this soon after being unemployed again (2 weeks), compared to my hell of a summer (1 non-temp interview in 5 months!!) i consider myself blessed.

so wish me luck!

Hannah Hartford

is the name of one of the main characters in the lastest of my book club reads, entitled "The House at Riverton." i would recommend this British mystery novel to anyone. it's somewhat intimidating at first, being almost 500 pages, but once you're hooked, it's hard to put down. and it so much more than your basic mystery.

taking place in and around both WWI and WW2, i will admit there is a lot of death in this book. not violent gruesome death, just a lot of it. and there are also alot of secrets. i would say secrets are the main theme of this historical fiction read.

we had a lot to discuss in my book club tonight- and we got to talking about all the various characters; what role they played, whether we liked/identified with them, and so on. i found Hannah, the eldest of the 2 sisters in the story, to be the character i most identified with. it seems ironic- she's the daughter of a Lord and wants for nothing, and yet, her character wants for everything. she feels trapped, unfulfilled, and in a time where women shouldn't express themselves (much the less want anything more than a proper marriage and high society labels) she did not fit in with the typical women of the day.

she wanted adventure, she wanted to play games, keep and make secrets. she wanted to be free of her title and obligation, and not be tied down to a man she didn't really even love.

well, i suppose i can't identify with everything Hannah felt and went through, but i do empathize with the whole, "wanting adventure and freedom" aspect of her personality. i am lucky- i live in a time where a woman can express herself, can work for a living, and can even put a career ahead of making babies, if she so chooses. and yet i still feel trapped and unfulfilled, because neither is an option for me. or rather, neither seems to be an option at the present time. first of all, i'm nowhere close to being ready to start a family. and as far as the whole working thing goes, i'm not even sure i'm cut out to actually have a career...or that i even want one. or that i even know what i want. at least not yet.

a conclusion we came to in our book club about Hannah, was that she too, had that problem. she was only unfufilled because she didn't exactly know what she wanted...other than, to not be bored with silly tasks around the house.

i feel the same way. i just had an adventure in a beautiful place, many states away. i'm so grateful for this experience. and yet, unfortunately, i'm now left with the question of what my next adventure will be. job searching certainly doesn't do it for me. and yet that seems to be my constant disease, plaguing me ever so many months...or weeks. something i have to do, but something i don't want to do.

a friend recently told me how she & her sister were actually drawing up business plans together to open up a childrens' book store. <-- see, that's what i want. not exactly that, but something, somewhere or place i can make my imprint on for years to come. something i'm not ashamed of, something i'm actually proud to tell people. its not entirely a self-image thing, and i know plans like that take time to come into fruition, but at least for them, they are real, tangible plans.

maybe i just need a plan. the problem is, i need money to back up my plan. but i'd rather just go to california. and africa. and italy.....you get the picture.

growing up, i always thought i would die young. this memorable, tragic, romantic death, simply because i was young and therefore wouldn't have to figure out all this adult stuff. i don't say that to sound morbid or lazy, but i sometimes still think that. maybe i was never meant to be a "grown-up", in the typical sense of the word.

p.s.- Hannah died before the age of 30. just saying ;)

just a normal morning

my alarm rang. i hit snooze four times. i drug myself out of bed, kissed my boyfriend goodbye, and hopped in the shower. i washed, rinsed, and dried myself. i put on my deodorant and body spray. i dressed. i brushed my teeth and put on my make-up. i packed a lunch. i shut off the lights and locked the apartment door behind me. i drove to work, fighting the rush hour traffic, and wishing i could go back to bed. i stayed up way too late last night, of course.

i arrived at my latest job of three weeks. i heard my phone vibrate. i had missed a call from my temporary placement agency. i checked my voicemail. it was time to go. already. i said goodbye and packed up my things.

it was just a normal morning.

feeling blessed

a few months ago i was unemployed, scraping by, and miserable. but lately, i have been feeling so joyous and blessed. which is wierd, because usually this time of year, i'm tripped up with a case of the winter blues. but this year, all within 3 weeks time i will have been to 2 concerts/shows, and be traveling to California on a short but oh so sweet vacation with one of my bestest friends.

how am i able to do all of this? 1) having some sort of job for the past 3 months, 2) income tax refunds ;) , and 3) having an unconditional loving significant other who wants me to be happy and do things for myself, who supports me financially when i need it, and supports me otherwise all the time.

and even though i always feel the need to justify my actions, i don't feel like i'm squandering my money at all. i currently have half of my credit card debt paid off (which started out as ALOT- over $20,000 to be exact. yes, it's true.), and 2 & soon to be 3 of my credit cards entirely paid off. i also have my car completely paid off, as well as all my past medical bills (including my mole surgery from 3 years ago). so i think, even though i was only able to acheive this with the help of my sweet boyfriend, i deserve a reward. and a break, since i wasn't able to go on any vacation last summer. yes, i had more than enough "days off", but no real vacation. no sense of getting [physically] "away from it all". and that's okay, because that's life, and you don't always get what you want when you want it. but once in awhile you do. and that's how i'm feeling right now. very, very blessed.

"a lion called Christian"...

... is the name of the book i just finished. not a book club read, this is one that's been plaguing me over the past couple years...it's easy and enjoyable, and yet i couldn't seem to finish it. but i finally did! and as my reward, i let myself view the youtube video that was the basis for the recreation of this biography.

here's the link to the video, with a couple interviews, so you kinda get the gist. basically, 40 years ago, these two Londoner's raise a lion cub in the city, and then send him back to Africa. there he spends time getting to know his true habitat, spending time with George Adamson, a wildlife conservationist and lion rehabilitator back in the day. after a few months spent weening Christian into a new lifestyle, the London duo heads back to Great Britain, missing and worried for Christian, their beloved pet. a year later they return to the camp where George is still raising a pride of lions, finding not only a bigger Christian, but an unforgetting one, affectionate as ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cqouVL0AiQ&feature=player_detailpage

lets just say after reading & watching, i definately teared up a bit. that, and my love of animals was once again re-established ;)

i can't pick just one

i probably shouldn't be writing anything in a public space right now, because i find myself irritated. and when i'm irritated, i run the risk of offending someone.

but lately i've been reading different blogs, stories, articles, etc.-scoping out what other people have to say about life. i find it interesting (and yet oddly irritating) that some people let one topic consume their whole life, day after day after day. now, i'm not talking about a current problem, or situation that needs resolved, or even a favorite pastime or hobby. what i'm referring to is, the inability to see a rounder world view; a "this is my purpose in life because it's something i enjoy therefore i can say it's what God wants" way of thinking. on the other hand, people shouldn't hinder their own personalities by forgetting their true self via marriage, or parenthood, etc.

i'll be honest....i don't know what my purpose is. i don't claim to. i hesitate to say that God does, because that's another thing that bothers me. people who defer to God and their faith in almost every statement they make because they are afraid to seem "not Christian enough", & afraid to make decisions, or state their real opinions. i understand that christianity is a big part of a persons' life, however, does this forbid you to think outside the box? or realize that if indeed God is your Creator, that he did give you a mind of your own?

basically these are the main things that are currently (and have been for some time) annoying me:

1) people who say "just pray about it" annoy me. prayer is just another word for sorting out your thoughts in a quiet place, so you can be more at peace and make better decisions. whether or not God exists to listen, or intervene, is kind of up for debate. this is just how i really feel. and i think most people feel or have felt this way at some point too, but are just afraid to admit it. it's not that i don't pray for myself or others, or ask others to pray for me, but it just seems "pray" usually translates to a fancier word for "think & hope & analyze & process & vent & try to relinquish control of the situation because most of the time it's out of your hands".

2) 3 & 5 point sermons usually annoy me. there's nothing intrinsically wrong with them, but pastors who usually give them also have a print out for you to "fill in the blanks" with, and that does annoy me. it dumbs down the congregation.....which sometimes isn't all that hard to do anyway. ;)

3) people who use bible verses to justify their way of living annoy me. because almost everyone does it; i know i have. but i find it funny how millions of different people can quote the same book and come up with several denominations and thousands of different life views. which is fine. but most people don't think it's fine, and then judge everyone else for not being exactly like them. when the true beauty of the human race is, in fact, diversity.

4) i see God in people, flora & fauna. but it seems to me, certain other people don't. so they talk to the sky day after day, and end up treating their friends, family, and the earth like shit. this annoys me.

5) stay at home moms usually annoy me. not because they're not working, or because they love their children. but because they usually overcompensate for not having much to talk about other than their kids by having a "holier than thou" way of thinking, join & create many "mom" groups that meet at times when working moms cannot come, and preach to everyone that this is the way it should be done. well maybe you're right. i can't lie and say it wouldn't be nice to not have to work. so how 'bout you pay my bills for awhile so i'm able to do that.

so i guess that's my "5 point sermon" for today ;) i mostly just needed to vent. i hope i didn't offend anyone, but i've been wanting to say that stuff "outloud" for quite awhile now.

and going back to the whole "purpose in life" thing. i'm still figuring mine out. but why does it just have to be one? and does the inability to focus on just one thing make me random? or just well rounded?

i really hope it's the latter.