... is the name of the book i just finished. not a book club read, this is one that's been plaguing me over the past couple years...it's easy and enjoyable, and yet i couldn't seem to finish it. but i finally did! and as my reward, i let myself view the youtube video that was the basis for the recreation of this biography.
here's the link to the video, with a couple interviews, so you kinda get the gist. basically, 40 years ago, these two Londoner's raise a lion cub in the city, and then send him back to Africa. there he spends time getting to know his true habitat, spending time with George Adamson, a wildlife conservationist and lion rehabilitator back in the day. after a few months spent weening Christian into a new lifestyle, the London duo heads back to Great Britain, missing and worried for Christian, their beloved pet. a year later they return to the camp where George is still raising a pride of lions, finding not only a bigger Christian, but an unforgetting one, affectionate as ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cqouVL0AiQ&feature=player_detailpage
lets just say after reading & watching, i definately teared up a bit. that, and my love of animals was once again re-established ;)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
i can't pick just one
i probably shouldn't be writing anything in a public space right now, because i find myself irritated. and when i'm irritated, i run the risk of offending someone.
but lately i've been reading different blogs, stories, articles, etc.-scoping out what other people have to say about life. i find it interesting (and yet oddly irritating) that some people let one topic consume their whole life, day after day after day. now, i'm not talking about a current problem, or situation that needs resolved, or even a favorite pastime or hobby. what i'm referring to is, the inability to see a rounder world view; a "this is my purpose in life because it's something i enjoy therefore i can say it's what God wants" way of thinking. on the other hand, people shouldn't hinder their own personalities by forgetting their true self via marriage, or parenthood, etc.
i'll be honest....i don't know what my purpose is. i don't claim to. i hesitate to say that God does, because that's another thing that bothers me. people who defer to God and their faith in almost every statement they make because they are afraid to seem "not Christian enough", & afraid to make decisions, or state their real opinions. i understand that christianity is a big part of a persons' life, however, does this forbid you to think outside the box? or realize that if indeed God is your Creator, that he did give you a mind of your own?
basically these are the main things that are currently (and have been for some time) annoying me:
1) people who say "just pray about it" annoy me. prayer is just another word for sorting out your thoughts in a quiet place, so you can be more at peace and make better decisions. whether or not God exists to listen, or intervene, is kind of up for debate. this is just how i really feel. and i think most people feel or have felt this way at some point too, but are just afraid to admit it. it's not that i don't pray for myself or others, or ask others to pray for me, but it just seems "pray" usually translates to a fancier word for "think & hope & analyze & process & vent & try to relinquish control of the situation because most of the time it's out of your hands".
2) 3 & 5 point sermons usually annoy me. there's nothing intrinsically wrong with them, but pastors who usually give them also have a print out for you to "fill in the blanks" with, and that does annoy me. it dumbs down the congregation.....which sometimes isn't all that hard to do anyway. ;)
3) people who use bible verses to justify their way of living annoy me. because almost everyone does it; i know i have. but i find it funny how millions of different people can quote the same book and come up with several denominations and thousands of different life views. which is fine. but most people don't think it's fine, and then judge everyone else for not being exactly like them. when the true beauty of the human race is, in fact, diversity.
4) i see God in people, flora & fauna. but it seems to me, certain other people don't. so they talk to the sky day after day, and end up treating their friends, family, and the earth like shit. this annoys me.
5) stay at home moms usually annoy me. not because they're not working, or because they love their children. but because they usually overcompensate for not having much to talk about other than their kids by having a "holier than thou" way of thinking, join & create many "mom" groups that meet at times when working moms cannot come, and preach to everyone that this is the way it should be done. well maybe you're right. i can't lie and say it wouldn't be nice to not have to work. so how 'bout you pay my bills for awhile so i'm able to do that.
so i guess that's my "5 point sermon" for today ;) i mostly just needed to vent. i hope i didn't offend anyone, but i've been wanting to say that stuff "outloud" for quite awhile now.
and going back to the whole "purpose in life" thing. i'm still figuring mine out. but why does it just have to be one? and does the inability to focus on just one thing make me random? or just well rounded?
i really hope it's the latter.
but lately i've been reading different blogs, stories, articles, etc.-scoping out what other people have to say about life. i find it interesting (and yet oddly irritating) that some people let one topic consume their whole life, day after day after day. now, i'm not talking about a current problem, or situation that needs resolved, or even a favorite pastime or hobby. what i'm referring to is, the inability to see a rounder world view; a "this is my purpose in life because it's something i enjoy therefore i can say it's what God wants" way of thinking. on the other hand, people shouldn't hinder their own personalities by forgetting their true self via marriage, or parenthood, etc.
i'll be honest....i don't know what my purpose is. i don't claim to. i hesitate to say that God does, because that's another thing that bothers me. people who defer to God and their faith in almost every statement they make because they are afraid to seem "not Christian enough", & afraid to make decisions, or state their real opinions. i understand that christianity is a big part of a persons' life, however, does this forbid you to think outside the box? or realize that if indeed God is your Creator, that he did give you a mind of your own?
basically these are the main things that are currently (and have been for some time) annoying me:
1) people who say "just pray about it" annoy me. prayer is just another word for sorting out your thoughts in a quiet place, so you can be more at peace and make better decisions. whether or not God exists to listen, or intervene, is kind of up for debate. this is just how i really feel. and i think most people feel or have felt this way at some point too, but are just afraid to admit it. it's not that i don't pray for myself or others, or ask others to pray for me, but it just seems "pray" usually translates to a fancier word for "think & hope & analyze & process & vent & try to relinquish control of the situation because most of the time it's out of your hands".
2) 3 & 5 point sermons usually annoy me. there's nothing intrinsically wrong with them, but pastors who usually give them also have a print out for you to "fill in the blanks" with, and that does annoy me. it dumbs down the congregation.....which sometimes isn't all that hard to do anyway. ;)
3) people who use bible verses to justify their way of living annoy me. because almost everyone does it; i know i have. but i find it funny how millions of different people can quote the same book and come up with several denominations and thousands of different life views. which is fine. but most people don't think it's fine, and then judge everyone else for not being exactly like them. when the true beauty of the human race is, in fact, diversity.
4) i see God in people, flora & fauna. but it seems to me, certain other people don't. so they talk to the sky day after day, and end up treating their friends, family, and the earth like shit. this annoys me.
5) stay at home moms usually annoy me. not because they're not working, or because they love their children. but because they usually overcompensate for not having much to talk about other than their kids by having a "holier than thou" way of thinking, join & create many "mom" groups that meet at times when working moms cannot come, and preach to everyone that this is the way it should be done. well maybe you're right. i can't lie and say it wouldn't be nice to not have to work. so how 'bout you pay my bills for awhile so i'm able to do that.
so i guess that's my "5 point sermon" for today ;) i mostly just needed to vent. i hope i didn't offend anyone, but i've been wanting to say that stuff "outloud" for quite awhile now.
and going back to the whole "purpose in life" thing. i'm still figuring mine out. but why does it just have to be one? and does the inability to focus on just one thing make me random? or just well rounded?
i really hope it's the latter.
Monday, January 24, 2011
food
food is wonderful and yummy and beautiful.
i grew up with an affliction towards food, because it seemed to have a love-hate relationship with me. it would tease me with its sweet & saltiness, then make me balloon up the more i consumed. i was told by my parents that i shouldn't eat so much. when i said how my skinny friends ate the same things i did or that my sister ate more than me, i was told "well they can, because they're thin."
i used food as crutch, as a coping method, and as a means to an end. i never spent time enjoying it, because i felt like i couldn't. i mostly ate in secret. i didn't want to be fat, i just wanted to feel full. i didn't take the time or make the effort to explore how many different kinds of wonderful food options there are, and used to think it mattered only how much i ate, but not necessarily what, since for 18+ years, it was always prepared for me.
i used to excersise off and on, coming up with a different routine here & there, but always got depressed. it would take me forever to lose weight and i would usually gain it back doubly....or triply. (if that's a word).
i was diagnosed with polycistic ovaries the year after my freshman 15, or to be more honest, my freshman 30. one of the side effects of having polycistic ovarian syndrome is digestive issues which lead to weight gain. this made me feel a little better about my lifelong struggle.
i was on diabetes medication to help with this problem for 7 years. but it didn't help maintain my weight, and it just gave me heartburn. i stopped taking this about a year ago. my mom has been worried about my blood sugar levels ever since. but the last time i got checked there were no issues- i had healthy levels of blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.
i realized, especially since i stopped taking this medicine, that even if you have a bodily issue, sometimes drugs don't really help at all. they just make you feel more sick and pathetic for being on multiple prescriptions under the age of 30.
i still pretend to like baby carrots without the help of ranch, because "they're good" for me. but in the past few years, living indepently and having friends who also like cooking & eating, i've realized that eating food you enjoy to eat is not a bad thing. yes, there are good food choices and bad food choices, but the older i get and the more my taste buds mature, it's easy to make good eating decisions without trying so hard. for example- stuff like mcdonalds & pop-tarts no longer taste good to me. on the other hand, a lot of vegetables do. i eat and prepare things my mother thinks is "gross", like making a lot of recipies with spinach.
and lately, i've been taking vitamins & exercising on a regular basis. something i used to think was a necessary evil as well. but i've realized it doesn't have to be horrible. and it definately makes a person feel better at the end of the day.
also, this past week i've started counting calories, something i thought only crazy anal annoying people did. this is based on a scale of my age, height, current weight, and goal weight, with regular exercise. and this isn't to hold myself back or "diet", as much as just to see what i'm putting in my body on a daily basis. i still drink pop, which i know isn't smart, but i also try to do it in moderation. that's something else i don't need to have a lot of these days, due to my maturing taste buds.
all in all, i know the concept of being healthy is something almost every individual struggles with. and i've also realized, over the years, being healthy isn't just about diet and exercise, but also about balanicng the other areas of life. and i've focused so much on trying to balance those other areas of life, and fix certain unfixable things, that now i know it's time to take a step back and try to help myself and better myself and stop worrying about when other people will change.
so whether i lose 10 pounds or gain 30 in the process, hopefully the people who love me will always do so, independently of my appearance. i'm just me, with or without a muffin top :) and i've decided to stop feeling guilty for who i am, and how i look.
i grew up with an affliction towards food, because it seemed to have a love-hate relationship with me. it would tease me with its sweet & saltiness, then make me balloon up the more i consumed. i was told by my parents that i shouldn't eat so much. when i said how my skinny friends ate the same things i did or that my sister ate more than me, i was told "well they can, because they're thin."
i used food as crutch, as a coping method, and as a means to an end. i never spent time enjoying it, because i felt like i couldn't. i mostly ate in secret. i didn't want to be fat, i just wanted to feel full. i didn't take the time or make the effort to explore how many different kinds of wonderful food options there are, and used to think it mattered only how much i ate, but not necessarily what, since for 18+ years, it was always prepared for me.
i used to excersise off and on, coming up with a different routine here & there, but always got depressed. it would take me forever to lose weight and i would usually gain it back doubly....or triply. (if that's a word).
i was diagnosed with polycistic ovaries the year after my freshman 15, or to be more honest, my freshman 30. one of the side effects of having polycistic ovarian syndrome is digestive issues which lead to weight gain. this made me feel a little better about my lifelong struggle.
i was on diabetes medication to help with this problem for 7 years. but it didn't help maintain my weight, and it just gave me heartburn. i stopped taking this about a year ago. my mom has been worried about my blood sugar levels ever since. but the last time i got checked there were no issues- i had healthy levels of blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.
i realized, especially since i stopped taking this medicine, that even if you have a bodily issue, sometimes drugs don't really help at all. they just make you feel more sick and pathetic for being on multiple prescriptions under the age of 30.
i still pretend to like baby carrots without the help of ranch, because "they're good" for me. but in the past few years, living indepently and having friends who also like cooking & eating, i've realized that eating food you enjoy to eat is not a bad thing. yes, there are good food choices and bad food choices, but the older i get and the more my taste buds mature, it's easy to make good eating decisions without trying so hard. for example- stuff like mcdonalds & pop-tarts no longer taste good to me. on the other hand, a lot of vegetables do. i eat and prepare things my mother thinks is "gross", like making a lot of recipies with spinach.
and lately, i've been taking vitamins & exercising on a regular basis. something i used to think was a necessary evil as well. but i've realized it doesn't have to be horrible. and it definately makes a person feel better at the end of the day.
also, this past week i've started counting calories, something i thought only crazy anal annoying people did. this is based on a scale of my age, height, current weight, and goal weight, with regular exercise. and this isn't to hold myself back or "diet", as much as just to see what i'm putting in my body on a daily basis. i still drink pop, which i know isn't smart, but i also try to do it in moderation. that's something else i don't need to have a lot of these days, due to my maturing taste buds.
all in all, i know the concept of being healthy is something almost every individual struggles with. and i've also realized, over the years, being healthy isn't just about diet and exercise, but also about balanicng the other areas of life. and i've focused so much on trying to balance those other areas of life, and fix certain unfixable things, that now i know it's time to take a step back and try to help myself and better myself and stop worrying about when other people will change.
so whether i lose 10 pounds or gain 30 in the process, hopefully the people who love me will always do so, independently of my appearance. i'm just me, with or without a muffin top :) and i've decided to stop feeling guilty for who i am, and how i look.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
...and then some
it was 7 blog posts ago i was weening into my new job. 2 months have passed since then, and my new job is now my old job. yes, it happened again. as of monday i was once again deemed unemployable.
the good news is that i do have a new temp assignment starting this coming monday, so i more or less just had a little vacation this week. which on one hand was needed, but on the other hand, filled with stress because no one wants days off for that particular reason.
i don't need to go on and on about it, because this little broken record has played one too many times, and become the story of my life for the past 3 years now. 3 years, 5 departments, and 3 companies i've worked at as a temp to hire, all with the same conclusion: "volume is low and we don't need you anymore." my lengths of employment at each have ranged from 2 weeks to 11 months- or somewhere in between. there is no way of predicting how long a temp job will last. and sometimes, i didn't want it to last, because it was horrible. but this past position, i really, really did. and i'm never the only one they let go, but still. it hurts everytime. mentally, emotionally, and of course, financially.
today i went to pick up my belongings. you see- the way it works is that my temporary placement agency calls me the night after a days work, so they have to go get my personal belongings from my cubicle. and though i've started accumulating less and less with each new position, they somehow managed to fill a typing paper sized box full of my stuff. as i was bringing it down to my car this afternoon, a huge wintry gust of air came down and took the lid right off, and it ended up face down in the icky gray slush of the parking lot. granted, it could have been worse, but i found it ironic to be chasing after a stupid, not-worth it, cardboard box lid, just the same way i've been chasing after these jobs. i don't want the box lid, i don't need the box lid, but if i don't get it someone will make a big mess and i'll have to take responsibility for the littering catastrophe. and in the same way, i don't want to work at these places the temp agency sends me too, and often times i suppose i don't need to, but if i don't, my financial life and otherwise will just become a mess. and it's easier to prevent a mess than clean one up, as i've learned.
the eccelsiastical thoughts of "meaningless" come to mind here....chasing after the wind and such. i know sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with it, but the bottom line is, i'm sick of being a yo-yo because i have to "take what i can get". and after my 5 long months of being unemployed not so long ago, of which i'm still playing catch-up from, i can't afford another 5 months, just hoping something better and permanent comes along. because apparently no one in the non-temp world will hire me- not even stupid restaurants.
i'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, folks. but its hard to be optimistic, when you feel you peaked your senior year of high school, and it's been downhill on the "successful winner" side of things since then. i hate to admit it, but that's where i'm at; that's how i really feel. i don't quite know if my true potential will ever be realized, least of all by myself.
the truth of the matter is, i don't know if there's any place i'll ever want to work at. working isn't fun. (right?) i love learning, but the trouble comes when i have to apply my expensive education to some sort of career, when everything is just subjective. i've often thought of owning my own business, but since i don't come from a wealthy family, i'd still have to "work for the man" almost my whole life to save enough money for that. and by then, i'd just be ready to retire i assume.
to quote C.S. Lewis, "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
the good news is that i do have a new temp assignment starting this coming monday, so i more or less just had a little vacation this week. which on one hand was needed, but on the other hand, filled with stress because no one wants days off for that particular reason.
i don't need to go on and on about it, because this little broken record has played one too many times, and become the story of my life for the past 3 years now. 3 years, 5 departments, and 3 companies i've worked at as a temp to hire, all with the same conclusion: "volume is low and we don't need you anymore." my lengths of employment at each have ranged from 2 weeks to 11 months- or somewhere in between. there is no way of predicting how long a temp job will last. and sometimes, i didn't want it to last, because it was horrible. but this past position, i really, really did. and i'm never the only one they let go, but still. it hurts everytime. mentally, emotionally, and of course, financially.
today i went to pick up my belongings. you see- the way it works is that my temporary placement agency calls me the night after a days work, so they have to go get my personal belongings from my cubicle. and though i've started accumulating less and less with each new position, they somehow managed to fill a typing paper sized box full of my stuff. as i was bringing it down to my car this afternoon, a huge wintry gust of air came down and took the lid right off, and it ended up face down in the icky gray slush of the parking lot. granted, it could have been worse, but i found it ironic to be chasing after a stupid, not-worth it, cardboard box lid, just the same way i've been chasing after these jobs. i don't want the box lid, i don't need the box lid, but if i don't get it someone will make a big mess and i'll have to take responsibility for the littering catastrophe. and in the same way, i don't want to work at these places the temp agency sends me too, and often times i suppose i don't need to, but if i don't, my financial life and otherwise will just become a mess. and it's easier to prevent a mess than clean one up, as i've learned.
the eccelsiastical thoughts of "meaningless" come to mind here....chasing after the wind and such. i know sometimes you have to suck it up and deal with it, but the bottom line is, i'm sick of being a yo-yo because i have to "take what i can get". and after my 5 long months of being unemployed not so long ago, of which i'm still playing catch-up from, i can't afford another 5 months, just hoping something better and permanent comes along. because apparently no one in the non-temp world will hire me- not even stupid restaurants.
i'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, folks. but its hard to be optimistic, when you feel you peaked your senior year of high school, and it's been downhill on the "successful winner" side of things since then. i hate to admit it, but that's where i'm at; that's how i really feel. i don't quite know if my true potential will ever be realized, least of all by myself.
the truth of the matter is, i don't know if there's any place i'll ever want to work at. working isn't fun. (right?) i love learning, but the trouble comes when i have to apply my expensive education to some sort of career, when everything is just subjective. i've often thought of owning my own business, but since i don't come from a wealthy family, i'd still have to "work for the man" almost my whole life to save enough money for that. and by then, i'd just be ready to retire i assume.
to quote C.S. Lewis, "If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
Monday, January 3, 2011
21st century, 2nd decade. wow.
a new year brings resolutions, remembrance, and reminiscing. it's hard to believe that already a decade has passed and it's currently 2011. when i was younger i could hardly imagine that coming to pass. and thinking back, a lot happened in the past 10 years. a significant a lot. but it would take too much time to delve into everything....so i'll just share the highlights:
2000- i spent a summer in Tamana, Japan. i learned patience, the love of sticky rice, and how to write my name in japanese caligraphy. and then some ;)
2001- i graduated from high school with a lot of honors, and a lot of forever friends.
2002- i realized i wasn't cut out to be a biology major- so i changed to psychology. and i loved it.
2003- jesse transferred to Northwestern. little did i know that wierd flirty boy would soon be the love of my life.
2004- i went to Bluefields, Nicaragua on my spring break. i fell in love with the people, and a 11 year old girl named Flor, who told me i should come back and build a house by the childrens' shelter we served at.
2005- all of my best friends in my college class graduated. and it was wierd, because i had another year to go. this was also the last year i was in an organzied band. the summer of, i started dating jesse, my first real boyfriend, never thinking it would turn into something long term.
2006- i studied/interned for a semester in Chicago. i was cold, depressed, had a horrible roomate, ate way too much Popeye's chicken, and spent more time than i would ever desire on the CTA. and i'm really, really glad i had that experience. that summer, i got a job and moved into my first apartment as a college grad. jesse moved in with me and we made a lot of people uncomfortable. it turned out to be one of the best decisions i've ever made.
2007- jesse & i went on our first road trip/long vacation as a couple. i brought a long a camcorder he got me that year for my birthday and we recorded most all of the places we went and people we saw. except for the weekend with my grandparents @ the Atlantic Ocean. also a first.
2008- that was a really tough year. i was working retail, and feeling guilty for quitting Orchard Place and all those kids i couldn't seem to help. i still think of them often, and hope they turned into healthy, stable, young adults. they will forever hold a place in my heart.
2009- 2 of my best friends moved really far away. and i was lonely. but before that happened, we had an awesome camping weekend in okoboji! tenting, boating, making smores- the best things in life, i think. a great time- despite of our tents flooding and fitting 8 people into one hotel room for a night!
2010- what a year. it had it's ups and downs, like any other. but for the first time in my life, i started to feel like a grown up. i dealt with several months of unemployment, and learned how to say no to things i couldn't always afford. i spent the summer watching LOST and making fresh fruit smoothies when i wasn't job hunting. we moved into a new apartment, and i'm having to learn to split time and energy with a 3rd roomate. a lot of family issues again rose to the surface, making me realize once again, some things won't ever change. but depsite all that, i think i've come out clean on the other side. i've had a time to ask forgiveness, and a time of renewal. i still have a long way to go before i reach my "ideal self", but i'm getting there.
so here's to the next 10 years- may they be the best ones yet!!
2000- i spent a summer in Tamana, Japan. i learned patience, the love of sticky rice, and how to write my name in japanese caligraphy. and then some ;)
2001- i graduated from high school with a lot of honors, and a lot of forever friends.
2002- i realized i wasn't cut out to be a biology major- so i changed to psychology. and i loved it.
2003- jesse transferred to Northwestern. little did i know that wierd flirty boy would soon be the love of my life.
2004- i went to Bluefields, Nicaragua on my spring break. i fell in love with the people, and a 11 year old girl named Flor, who told me i should come back and build a house by the childrens' shelter we served at.
2005- all of my best friends in my college class graduated. and it was wierd, because i had another year to go. this was also the last year i was in an organzied band. the summer of, i started dating jesse, my first real boyfriend, never thinking it would turn into something long term.
2006- i studied/interned for a semester in Chicago. i was cold, depressed, had a horrible roomate, ate way too much Popeye's chicken, and spent more time than i would ever desire on the CTA. and i'm really, really glad i had that experience. that summer, i got a job and moved into my first apartment as a college grad. jesse moved in with me and we made a lot of people uncomfortable. it turned out to be one of the best decisions i've ever made.
2007- jesse & i went on our first road trip/long vacation as a couple. i brought a long a camcorder he got me that year for my birthday and we recorded most all of the places we went and people we saw. except for the weekend with my grandparents @ the Atlantic Ocean. also a first.
2008- that was a really tough year. i was working retail, and feeling guilty for quitting Orchard Place and all those kids i couldn't seem to help. i still think of them often, and hope they turned into healthy, stable, young adults. they will forever hold a place in my heart.
2009- 2 of my best friends moved really far away. and i was lonely. but before that happened, we had an awesome camping weekend in okoboji! tenting, boating, making smores- the best things in life, i think. a great time- despite of our tents flooding and fitting 8 people into one hotel room for a night!
2010- what a year. it had it's ups and downs, like any other. but for the first time in my life, i started to feel like a grown up. i dealt with several months of unemployment, and learned how to say no to things i couldn't always afford. i spent the summer watching LOST and making fresh fruit smoothies when i wasn't job hunting. we moved into a new apartment, and i'm having to learn to split time and energy with a 3rd roomate. a lot of family issues again rose to the surface, making me realize once again, some things won't ever change. but depsite all that, i think i've come out clean on the other side. i've had a time to ask forgiveness, and a time of renewal. i still have a long way to go before i reach my "ideal self", but i'm getting there.
so here's to the next 10 years- may they be the best ones yet!!
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