milestones

three things i thought would never happen:

1) i finally paid off my car!! my first and only vehicle, i've had this chevy malibu in my life for almost 5 years now. all i can say is - it's about time! :)

2) there was no family drama this past weekend. surreal, i know. perhaps it was a christmas miracle- that's what i'm thinking anyway. there were of course, small annoying moments/things said from certain family members, but irregardless, nothing happened that made me want to cry, scream, or run away. that's definately progress!

3) jesse and i joined a gym last week. also surreal. i've always had an aversion to gyms for several reasons. a) i'm a bit self-conscious and don't want people looking at me. b) i think it's dumb to pay for something that should be free. c) i don't like running on treadmills. and d) most of the activity laden stuff i enjoy is outdoorsy. so why did we join, you ask? well, it started off as a 3 month free deal we got as a bonus for moving to a different apartment. and then we decided it would be a better deal to sign up for a year, thus waiving the > $300 fee it would cost just to join, and so now we only have to worry about the monthly payments (which won't be a huge deal now per accomplishment #1). and, i'm actually feeling good about this decision. we both need to be more active and get in shape, and i'm sick of us complaining to one another about it. and, per the reasons listed above, a)who cares, we're all there for the same reason. b)maybe paying for it will be more of a motivation to exercise on a regular basis. c) they offer free classes that i will love like zumba (a latin dance class) and d) they have a pool, (and also offer a water aerobics class) so i can get my summertime fix in the winter.

so hopefully all of the above will make my days become happier, have less back pain, become less insomniatic (yep- i decided thats a word), and overall, make me feel like i'm acheiving something. small milestones in a life, but milestones none the less.

it's almost Christmas

Christmastime this year has been different for me. in some ways, good, in others, not so much. usually i'm in the christmas spirit the 1st week of december. meaning- i'm ready to decorate, give & get presents, listen to & sing christmas music, etc.

but this year was different, for several reasons.

1) we moved- and un-packing was top priority
2) i started a new job. and it's good, but still leaves my mind focused elsewhere.
3) certain family issues, that, while i don't need to go on about in detail, (reference last blog post if you will for further vagueness) left me feeling completely empty and void of any holiday cheer for quite awhile.

a couple weeks ago, i was feeling so pained i didn't even want to celebrate christmas. i didn't have the "Christmasy hope" that i usually do, that everything would be all right. certain issues resurfaced this thanksgiving and for awhile i just wanted to cut myself off from certain relationships.

but i didn't.

it helped once i put my christmas tree up. and shopping for & wrapping my presents. and thankfully bit by bit, my mood turned around. i can't say as much for the certain circumstance, or how things will all play out this weekend, but at least i've been able to be somewhat jolly in the meantime.

and for now, these are the 3 life conclusions i've come to:

1) being fully unpacked and being settled are rarely the same thing. the former definately helps with the latter, but it's mostly a matter of - am i at peace here?
2)sometimes people suck. and sometimes i just have to be the bigger person. even if that means not addressing the situation all the time. people need time to heal- including myself.
3)nothing can change my mind when it comes to celebrating the birth of the Savior and the coming of Santa Claus. i don't care what anyone else says. christmas should be about wanting to give back to the people who love you and that you love the most. sometimes it's easier said than done, but i will never stop celebrating this holiday.

how do you know?

where's the line between being amiable, and being apathetic?

how do you know when something is a big problem, or whether you just care too much?

when is it time to sweep things under the rug, or time to let the shit hit the fan?

and when the shit does hit the fan, how do you manage to clean things up?

and if you do manage to clean things up, will there always be a stain to remind you of the truth?

how do you know what is right, or what is easy?

how do you know whether to let it go, or cling to something so tightly that you eventually give up waiting for things to change?

and how do you know whether you've become at peace with something, or whether you're just in denial?

tell me...how do you know?

some things you (the reader) may not know about me (the writer)

my favorite necklace= an owl pendant attached to a long silver chain. the owl's belly is also a clock.

i sometimes wish i lived in the 80's. not because of the crazy fashion and music, but because people wouldn't be so addicted to technology. even when we get internet @ home again, it will never be my life. nor will acquiring the latest small gadgets. my phone allows me to call/text people and take pictures. thats all i need. and i was annoyed when they came out with blu-ray. just more money to spend on replacing the dvd's you bought to replace your vhs'. (and speaking of vhs- i still have mine.)

i really enjoy the concept of flying. for instance- this year, my christmas tree will have both bird & butterfly ornaments.

i really don't mind eating by myself in a public place. it's obviously not my first choice, but i've done it millions of times.

i hate using public restrooms. not because of the usual dirtyness, but because i have a complex with other people hearing me go. if my wedding day ever comes, i won't have a personal assistant to do the lifting of the dress. i'll probably just hold it all day. but i am starting to get over it the older i get. (related antecdote: when i was a kid and we went shopping out of town, my mom would always make my sister & i pee before we went to all the stores. which wasn't a bad idea, considering she was toting around kids for several hours. but this was a big deal for me. it usually ended up with her waiting 30 mintues while i tried with no avail. and then us getting in an argument about it.)

shoes i wish i would've gotten a 2nd pair of: my tan, suede leather loafer-moccasins. i've almost worn them out and they go with me everywhere, every season.

i don't understand people who don't like Panera. its like my favorite non-fast food, fast food place. it's always yummy and its quality food. their breakfast egg souffles are to die for. in fact, i wish i had one right now!

i don't really believe in astrology, but i have to say, i am a pretty stereotypical gemini. always contradicting myself, i live in two worlds. for example, one part of me wants to be wealthy and go shopping every weekend. the other part of me wants to sell all my belongings and move to a third world country. so finding balance, and appearing balanced is a big deal to me.

addendum to the last statement: i also have struggled since i was a small girl, between being utterly unique and fitting in all at the same time. it's probably my biggest complex- to appear different and yet relatable. which is probably why i was always "that wierd girl with the cute top".

miracle whip or mayonaise? definately mayo.

coke or pepsi? definately pepsi. but i don't hate coke, either.

some of my favorite things to eat together:
-cottage cheese & cashews
-ruffled chips and party dip
-wheat thins & red pepper hummus
-triscuits & laughing cow cheese
-popcorn with m&ms
-tuna with hardboiled egg & cucumbers (its better than it sounds!)

the song "bullfrogs & butterflies" has been in my head for a week now. i don't know why.

i embarrassingly tend to go for things that are less challeging and/or time consuming, because then i can easily succeed. (e.g.- i may buy a magazine instead of a book even though i love reading, or i may apply for jobs that i'm overqualified for because then i can be the best employee) it's a sad truth i had to admit to myself.

favorite vegetable- its a tie between red pepper and spinach. so i usually end up combining the two.

favorite type of ice cream- honestly? get me an original chocolate frosty from Wendy's and i'm good to go. i don't really need all the add ins. if i want a candy bar, i'll go buy a candy bar.

my latest purchase(not including food): a red Swingline staper online. $15 with shipping & handling. long story short- i needed a good stapler, and couldn't resist being Milton. (from Office Space)

i like animals more than people. its really true. when i'm watching a movie and an animal dies, there's 100% chance i'll be depressed for days. when a person dies, its about 50/50 that i'll even cry. but don't worrry, as far as movies go i'd still rather watch one with an all person cast. i'm not huge on the whole "animals talking" thing.

i love organzing & redecorating.

most people complain about mondays when working a full time job monday-friday. i'm here to say monday's are not evil. its really thursdays that are satan's spawn. it's the day of the week when i'm ready for the weekend, but its not here yet, and neither is payday. thursdays are for me, the jinx day, where everything goes wrong. i don't even know how it started, but i really feel like thursdays are cursed sometimes.

sometimes, randomly, i make up songs. words and music. but i rarely write them down. and sometimes, i choreograph dances in my head. it's true.

right now i'm: writing this blog post at work. intermittently working and eating my breakfast which today consists of animal crackers and no sugar added, strawberry flavored applesauce. apparently i'm 5 years old.