i believe it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, "what goes up must come down," in relation to matter. if he was still alive today, and an acquaintance of mine, his new law would be regarding emotional physics- "if Sarah goes up, she must come down".
and sometimes a little sooner than i would like.
after a night of pre-birthday fun, i drove home in the dark alone, realizing i wouldn't be able to have fun again for awhile; at least not fun that involved any sort of spending. after a blissful social gathering with my friends, i came home and opened the door of my apartment only to look the unwanted truth in the eye- the truth that was sitting on the couch waiting for my arrival like a parent who's waiting for their teenager past curfew.
because once again, without avail, and all too recently, i am without a job.
there are some silver linings at best,such as an interview already scheduled for next week. but its not completely fixed that i'll get in, and of course the timing couldn't be more awful with summer and summer plans just around the corner.
so i had fun. but then i came home and realized i still had decisions to make. decisions i've been trying to ignore for the past few days. decisions that would make people (and myself) possibly hate me just a little bit.
too bad i can't fly up to space where there isn't any gravity and just float above my problems. too bad i have to stay grounded. because if i don't, it's all the further i'll have to fall.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
ode to Sex & the City
to celebrate my upcoming 27th birthday, i decided to have a shin-dig 2 weeks early. this Friday night, a bunch of my girlfriends and i will be dining @ the Cheesecake Factory and seeing the upcoming theatrical release, Sex and the City 2.
5 years ago, i never would have thought i would've enjoyed this series as much as i do. but after seeing the first of the two movies awhile ago, i decided to rent the seasons on DVD. from then on, i watched, and watched, and watched. who knew i would become addicted to the story of these four women? yes their lives are much more glamourous than mine, one facet of the show revolving around Carrie's addiction to Manolo Blahnik shoes. but there are several reasons why i enjoy the show, other than the fashion and extravagant life styles.
first of all- i appreciate the fact that Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, & Samantha are so different from each other, yet they remain close friends for years. so much so that in one of the later seasons they declare each other to be their soulmates. and secondly- i love the fact that Carrie writes a newspaper column. and better yet- about sex and relationships. wouldn't it be great to get paid to just write your opinion on what you've experienced first hand? and not only that, but she comes up with all these insights that have struck a chord with me time and time again.
and so, in my blog-ode to Sex & the City, i have decided to share some of my favorite quotes from the show:
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”
“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."
“I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women."
"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty."
"Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"
“After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh."
“That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met,you don’t need them anymore.”
“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”
5 years ago, i never would have thought i would've enjoyed this series as much as i do. but after seeing the first of the two movies awhile ago, i decided to rent the seasons on DVD. from then on, i watched, and watched, and watched. who knew i would become addicted to the story of these four women? yes their lives are much more glamourous than mine, one facet of the show revolving around Carrie's addiction to Manolo Blahnik shoes. but there are several reasons why i enjoy the show, other than the fashion and extravagant life styles.
first of all- i appreciate the fact that Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, & Samantha are so different from each other, yet they remain close friends for years. so much so that in one of the later seasons they declare each other to be their soulmates. and secondly- i love the fact that Carrie writes a newspaper column. and better yet- about sex and relationships. wouldn't it be great to get paid to just write your opinion on what you've experienced first hand? and not only that, but she comes up with all these insights that have struck a chord with me time and time again.
and so, in my blog-ode to Sex & the City, i have decided to share some of my favorite quotes from the show:
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”
“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”
“I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss - the perfect parent - or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."
“I'm thinking balls are to men what purses are to women."
"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty."
"Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you ... Hallmark doesn't make a "congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy" card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?"
“After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh."
“That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met,you don’t need them anymore.”
“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”
Friday, May 7, 2010
letter to my sister, upon her college graduation
My dear Sister,
I think we both know the meaning of the phrase "walking in someone else's shoes," both literally and otherwise. I- like you- have a gift for being empathetic, compassionate, and just generally wanting to understand how someone else is feeling. I love that about you, about us, and our family in general.
God knows we've both had our hellish times, sometimes together, sometimes even towards each other, and sometimes at very different times and places. Like those infamous term papers we never thought we'd finish, or that graduation we never thought would come. And yet, here it is. There were some days in college where I didn't think I would make it through that class, or that final, but I did. And you have too. And one day you will look back at these past 5 years and not remember how hard it was. But knowing we could make it through those times, I know we can make it through today, tomorrow and the next day, no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes it may seem easier to relate to one another when we're experiencing some of the same things at the same times; like new relationships, family problems, job crisis, etc. But even if we're too busy to see each other in person, or even talk on the phone, I know you're somewhere out there and totally get me.
There are days when I want to talk to someone and I think to myself, Rachael would understand. There are other times we are on the phone and I am continously suprised that we have so much in common. Maybe this was always the case, and I just never realized it. Of course, in a lot of ways you & I are like night & day, but just like evening and morning, we both share the same world, the same passions.
It must be harder in some ways to grow up as the younger sister; I'm sure you've been told a time or two, "Oh you remind me of Sarah," or "Hey, thats what Sarah did too," and I'm sure it can be annoying. The funny thing is, I haven't always felt like the best role model, sometimes I don't want you to look up to me. And upon your college graduation, in some ways I feel I have failed myself, and you. I haven't acheived certain things I've wanted to by this time in my life, I'm not even using my college degree at the moment. And I don't want that to be the case for you, but I don't even think it will be. You've already done so much, and you don't even have your diploma yet! And in a lot of ways I look up to you, Rachael. In some aspects, you act like the older sister.
Even growing up, when I was all boy-crazy and hanging out with friends, you were getting good grades and making 4-H projects. But it was still nice to know I could walk across the hall and come bother you in your bedroom. Some of my favorite childhood memories with you involve playing dress-up; somehow, I always was the 'princess' and you always were the 'peasant'. And as silly as it all may seem now, I don't want you to live your life just to make everyone else happy. Because you are a princess too-you deserve the best! You are so beautiful and intelligent- you have the world ahead of you. I know that may be a bit cliche, but its true. I only and ever want the best for you, I want you to be happy every day of your life.
I've seen so many good changes in you as you've gotten older, and if I'm to blame for some of them, well then I suppose I'll take that credit. Never forget to be true to yourself, and make yourself happy first. Because if you are full of joy, then the people around you will be too. I've learned this from experience, as I'm sure you have too.
And lastly, I want to say thank you, my dear sister. Thank you for all the times we sang and played piano together. Thank you for sharing crab rangoons and watching shows on IPTV with me. Thank you for always listening. Thank you for once being scared of thunderstorms and spiders. Thank you for letting me win at board games. Thank you for yelling at me at times when I needed it. Thank you for letting me entertain your friends in high school and crashing your birthday parties. Thank you for liking frogs and Barbie dolls. Thank you for being silly with me. Thank you for the Sunday night talks. Thank you for asking me to borrow my green shoes. Thank you for being flexible when I don't know what to do.
I love you Rachael. Thanks for loving me and being my sister. I know it must be a lot of work sometimes, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you, and how proud I am of you for finishing what you started 5 years ago....you are truly amazing, my little sister. Truly amazing.
I think we both know the meaning of the phrase "walking in someone else's shoes," both literally and otherwise. I- like you- have a gift for being empathetic, compassionate, and just generally wanting to understand how someone else is feeling. I love that about you, about us, and our family in general.
God knows we've both had our hellish times, sometimes together, sometimes even towards each other, and sometimes at very different times and places. Like those infamous term papers we never thought we'd finish, or that graduation we never thought would come. And yet, here it is. There were some days in college where I didn't think I would make it through that class, or that final, but I did. And you have too. And one day you will look back at these past 5 years and not remember how hard it was. But knowing we could make it through those times, I know we can make it through today, tomorrow and the next day, no matter what life throws at us. Sometimes it may seem easier to relate to one another when we're experiencing some of the same things at the same times; like new relationships, family problems, job crisis, etc. But even if we're too busy to see each other in person, or even talk on the phone, I know you're somewhere out there and totally get me.
There are days when I want to talk to someone and I think to myself, Rachael would understand. There are other times we are on the phone and I am continously suprised that we have so much in common. Maybe this was always the case, and I just never realized it. Of course, in a lot of ways you & I are like night & day, but just like evening and morning, we both share the same world, the same passions.
It must be harder in some ways to grow up as the younger sister; I'm sure you've been told a time or two, "Oh you remind me of Sarah," or "Hey, thats what Sarah did too," and I'm sure it can be annoying. The funny thing is, I haven't always felt like the best role model, sometimes I don't want you to look up to me. And upon your college graduation, in some ways I feel I have failed myself, and you. I haven't acheived certain things I've wanted to by this time in my life, I'm not even using my college degree at the moment. And I don't want that to be the case for you, but I don't even think it will be. You've already done so much, and you don't even have your diploma yet! And in a lot of ways I look up to you, Rachael. In some aspects, you act like the older sister.
Even growing up, when I was all boy-crazy and hanging out with friends, you were getting good grades and making 4-H projects. But it was still nice to know I could walk across the hall and come bother you in your bedroom. Some of my favorite childhood memories with you involve playing dress-up; somehow, I always was the 'princess' and you always were the 'peasant'. And as silly as it all may seem now, I don't want you to live your life just to make everyone else happy. Because you are a princess too-you deserve the best! You are so beautiful and intelligent- you have the world ahead of you. I know that may be a bit cliche, but its true. I only and ever want the best for you, I want you to be happy every day of your life.
I've seen so many good changes in you as you've gotten older, and if I'm to blame for some of them, well then I suppose I'll take that credit. Never forget to be true to yourself, and make yourself happy first. Because if you are full of joy, then the people around you will be too. I've learned this from experience, as I'm sure you have too.
And lastly, I want to say thank you, my dear sister. Thank you for all the times we sang and played piano together. Thank you for sharing crab rangoons and watching shows on IPTV with me. Thank you for always listening. Thank you for once being scared of thunderstorms and spiders. Thank you for letting me win at board games. Thank you for yelling at me at times when I needed it. Thank you for letting me entertain your friends in high school and crashing your birthday parties. Thank you for liking frogs and Barbie dolls. Thank you for being silly with me. Thank you for the Sunday night talks. Thank you for asking me to borrow my green shoes. Thank you for being flexible when I don't know what to do.
I love you Rachael. Thanks for loving me and being my sister. I know it must be a lot of work sometimes, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you, and how proud I am of you for finishing what you started 5 years ago....you are truly amazing, my little sister. Truly amazing.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
tangent(itis)
for me, tangents, "soap boxes", etc., can be as common as the infamous cold. they creep up unexpectedly, and sometimes take a week to get over.
today i'm feeling frustrated because of a text message i received. i don't understand how some people who rarely talk to you, aren't afraid to text you out of nowhere and ask you "hey- are you working full time yet?" or "hey, you should apply at this financial institute, or that mortgage company....i heard there's an opening in the foreclosure department, etc.
its not that i don't appreciate their consideration, but seriously, i do have a life outside of work, believe it or not. also, i think its rather condescending for them to dwell on a topic that i didn't even bring up!
in fact, the last time i "talked" to this old work friend, she had sent a text inviting me to her roomate's birthday party. i declined as i would be gone for the weekend, but said it was good to hear from her and asked her how she was. and of course, she replied with, "good, how's your job? are you still a temp? you should apply at this place, etc." and when i replied with, "well, i'm looking into some other options, because i think i want to work with kids again," she replied with "haha, oh sarah..." no joke!!
and she's not the only person who does this. i have another friend- another person i used to work with - who, everytime i hang out or talk with her, she almost always brings up my job situation, whether i do or not, and of course, tells me when and where i should apply. and of course its always the same place, and not only do i have no desire to work there (putting aside the fact that i need a job with good benefits), but i feel so frustrated that somehow i'm being held accountable for my career choices, whether i'm "choosing" or not.
and to give people the benefit of the doubt, it is an easy small talk topic to abridge the gap of "what should i say next?" but i think it bothers me the most when people are just asking to ask, and they don't really care. and maybe i'm being hasty in my judgement, and just feeling animosity towards the real problem- that i am still stuck in a dead end job. but that is all the more reason why i don't always want to talk about it!!!
its one thing when my mom brings it up, and we actually have a productive discussion about such; its one thing, when a close friend sends me emails for job postings that i actually have an interest in. but its quite another when someone who i've kinda lost touch with feels they have the right to offer advice out of nowhere- especially in the form of a deflated text message, and especially when i didn't ask for it.
and maybe these people just want to take the focus off of themselves, or maybe they really do care, but it just seems a bit ironic. heres why: this is the same person who i hugged, consoled, and listened to when her family disowned her for living with a lesbian...the same girl who i comforted and stood by as she was going through a tough divorce and fought for custody of her only son. and the other is a friend who i've sat through many "should she stay with her boyfriend talks", and even left my boyfriend in the middle of lunch on a saturday, to hold her hand while she received threatening calls from her very real international stalker.
so in the scheme of work relationships, these were unexpectedly deep, and it just seems trite and unfair of them to inquire about my life and not offer me any feedback about theirs, especially considering their recent past.
or is it me whose being the unfair one and expecting too much from people? i know i do have that tendency sometimes, and i don't want to be hypocritical, but honestly, this is why its so hard to keep up with certain relationships. its not that i want these particular women to regress or dwell on past hurts, but at the same time, we should be able to talk about more than just work. especially when -to be very blunt- i don't even give a fuck about my job right now. and thats the truth.
today i'm feeling frustrated because of a text message i received. i don't understand how some people who rarely talk to you, aren't afraid to text you out of nowhere and ask you "hey- are you working full time yet?" or "hey, you should apply at this financial institute, or that mortgage company....i heard there's an opening in the foreclosure department, etc.
its not that i don't appreciate their consideration, but seriously, i do have a life outside of work, believe it or not. also, i think its rather condescending for them to dwell on a topic that i didn't even bring up!
in fact, the last time i "talked" to this old work friend, she had sent a text inviting me to her roomate's birthday party. i declined as i would be gone for the weekend, but said it was good to hear from her and asked her how she was. and of course, she replied with, "good, how's your job? are you still a temp? you should apply at this place, etc." and when i replied with, "well, i'm looking into some other options, because i think i want to work with kids again," she replied with "haha, oh sarah..." no joke!!
and she's not the only person who does this. i have another friend- another person i used to work with - who, everytime i hang out or talk with her, she almost always brings up my job situation, whether i do or not, and of course, tells me when and where i should apply. and of course its always the same place, and not only do i have no desire to work there (putting aside the fact that i need a job with good benefits), but i feel so frustrated that somehow i'm being held accountable for my career choices, whether i'm "choosing" or not.
and to give people the benefit of the doubt, it is an easy small talk topic to abridge the gap of "what should i say next?" but i think it bothers me the most when people are just asking to ask, and they don't really care. and maybe i'm being hasty in my judgement, and just feeling animosity towards the real problem- that i am still stuck in a dead end job. but that is all the more reason why i don't always want to talk about it!!!
its one thing when my mom brings it up, and we actually have a productive discussion about such; its one thing, when a close friend sends me emails for job postings that i actually have an interest in. but its quite another when someone who i've kinda lost touch with feels they have the right to offer advice out of nowhere- especially in the form of a deflated text message, and especially when i didn't ask for it.
and maybe these people just want to take the focus off of themselves, or maybe they really do care, but it just seems a bit ironic. heres why: this is the same person who i hugged, consoled, and listened to when her family disowned her for living with a lesbian...the same girl who i comforted and stood by as she was going through a tough divorce and fought for custody of her only son. and the other is a friend who i've sat through many "should she stay with her boyfriend talks", and even left my boyfriend in the middle of lunch on a saturday, to hold her hand while she received threatening calls from her very real international stalker.
so in the scheme of work relationships, these were unexpectedly deep, and it just seems trite and unfair of them to inquire about my life and not offer me any feedback about theirs, especially considering their recent past.
or is it me whose being the unfair one and expecting too much from people? i know i do have that tendency sometimes, and i don't want to be hypocritical, but honestly, this is why its so hard to keep up with certain relationships. its not that i want these particular women to regress or dwell on past hurts, but at the same time, we should be able to talk about more than just work. especially when -to be very blunt- i don't even give a fuck about my job right now. and thats the truth.
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