...i must admit i was more affected by this 3d Dreamworks film than i thought, and came acrost a favorite quote in an old notebook. i had given this quote to a young girl i worked with at Orchard Place, who loved dragons. it seems i now understand it fully; to think an animated movie and some warm weather would have helped me yet again realize that,
"I was born to catch dragons in their den,
and pick flowers,
To tell tales and laugh away the morning
To drift and dream like a lazy stream
And walk barefoot across sunshine days."
-James Kavanaugh
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
catch 26
jesse left me alone with his computer for the afternoon, which was very nice. we have separate computers, but mine has problems, or one might say "computer cancer", and i have been in the process of cleaning it out for quite awhile now. hopefully in a year or two i will be able to get a new one since sharing is so hard to do sometimes.
anyway, i decided i needed an afternoon just to myself to use the computer to job hunt, etc. but of course, all i've really accomplished so far is balancing my checkbook, checking my email, and updating my blog.
one of the emails i got was a facebook notification that i had received a message from an old college friend. i read on and apparently it was a mass message sent to tell us about a side business this person had started. she was advertising her own website, and is currently using her writing and photography skills to make and sell creative gifts & projects.
thus the pity party begins. here i am, 26 years old, and have no clue what to do with my life, mostly because i have no financial stability to go out on a limb and try to figure it out. here she is, restoring old photos and making crafts to sell, and here i am, sitting in a cubicle, day in and day out, just trying to make ends meet. and i have been for as long as i can remember.
i'll admit most of this is feeling sorry for myself, but also, literally paying for my past mistakes. i've been in a debt management program for over a year now and its literally sucking the life out of me. any fun i might have, i feel completely guilty about because i feel like i shouldn't be spending money. but at the sometime, i don't want to just "get by", i don't want to be depressed and miserable and just sit at home like a lump.
after all, i go shopping a lot less than i used to on a regular basis, and only when i have extra money to do so with, (e.g. christmas, birthday, income taxes, etc.) i haven't paid to get my hair cut since last july. i never get manicures, or tans, or other unnecessary expenditures, and i haven't eaten out for lunch during the work week for 3 months. i even stopped buying popcorn at the movies, which for me, is a huge sacrifice.
i have made changes in my lifestyle, and even though i like things, i don't spend extravagently. the catch 22 here is, that i am the wisest i've ever been in my life when it comes to budgeting, but i'm suffering the most because i can't just run to grab my credit cards anymore to bail me out. i can only spend what i have. and its good, but it totally sucks.
and even though i have been able to see the tangible difference it has made, the fact that i've only held temporary jobs in the past 3 years and that i've been let go twice in the past 2, has seriously hurt me.
one of the things that bothers me the most is that i'm cutting corners around things that matter- like grocery shopping. yes, there are healthy choices one can make on a budget, but really, it all boils down to the fact that i have to use lots of coupons, buy what's on sale/what i can afford, this week or that.
so why am i spilling the secrets of my life on a blog post? because its all i can think about- 24/7.
i was recently at someone's apt. with a small gathering of people, and was chatting with someone i hadn't seen in awhile. there was the ususal small talk, and i of course, talked about my current job. the fact that i sit in a tiny cubicle with a headset and on the phones all day long. her curt yet polite response, was that she could never work a job where she would have to sit in a cubicle.
and i wasn't offended, but it still hurt. because i used to have the exact same response. back when i was in college, and apparently had the world of opportunities at my doorstep, i never saw myself doing what i'm doing now.
but since the end is not yet in sight, it has to somehow justify the means.
and i know that someday, hopefully soon, and hopefully before i'm 30, i will be out of this mess. and hopefully someday I will be sending a mass email to my friends, telling them about my new business, along with the link to my website. i really, really hope so.
as for now, i'll just keep looking for other jobs and praying i can keep my sanity until someday comes...
anyway, i decided i needed an afternoon just to myself to use the computer to job hunt, etc. but of course, all i've really accomplished so far is balancing my checkbook, checking my email, and updating my blog.
one of the emails i got was a facebook notification that i had received a message from an old college friend. i read on and apparently it was a mass message sent to tell us about a side business this person had started. she was advertising her own website, and is currently using her writing and photography skills to make and sell creative gifts & projects.
thus the pity party begins. here i am, 26 years old, and have no clue what to do with my life, mostly because i have no financial stability to go out on a limb and try to figure it out. here she is, restoring old photos and making crafts to sell, and here i am, sitting in a cubicle, day in and day out, just trying to make ends meet. and i have been for as long as i can remember.
i'll admit most of this is feeling sorry for myself, but also, literally paying for my past mistakes. i've been in a debt management program for over a year now and its literally sucking the life out of me. any fun i might have, i feel completely guilty about because i feel like i shouldn't be spending money. but at the sometime, i don't want to just "get by", i don't want to be depressed and miserable and just sit at home like a lump.
after all, i go shopping a lot less than i used to on a regular basis, and only when i have extra money to do so with, (e.g. christmas, birthday, income taxes, etc.) i haven't paid to get my hair cut since last july. i never get manicures, or tans, or other unnecessary expenditures, and i haven't eaten out for lunch during the work week for 3 months. i even stopped buying popcorn at the movies, which for me, is a huge sacrifice.
i have made changes in my lifestyle, and even though i like things, i don't spend extravagently. the catch 22 here is, that i am the wisest i've ever been in my life when it comes to budgeting, but i'm suffering the most because i can't just run to grab my credit cards anymore to bail me out. i can only spend what i have. and its good, but it totally sucks.
and even though i have been able to see the tangible difference it has made, the fact that i've only held temporary jobs in the past 3 years and that i've been let go twice in the past 2, has seriously hurt me.
one of the things that bothers me the most is that i'm cutting corners around things that matter- like grocery shopping. yes, there are healthy choices one can make on a budget, but really, it all boils down to the fact that i have to use lots of coupons, buy what's on sale/what i can afford, this week or that.
so why am i spilling the secrets of my life on a blog post? because its all i can think about- 24/7.
i was recently at someone's apt. with a small gathering of people, and was chatting with someone i hadn't seen in awhile. there was the ususal small talk, and i of course, talked about my current job. the fact that i sit in a tiny cubicle with a headset and on the phones all day long. her curt yet polite response, was that she could never work a job where she would have to sit in a cubicle.
and i wasn't offended, but it still hurt. because i used to have the exact same response. back when i was in college, and apparently had the world of opportunities at my doorstep, i never saw myself doing what i'm doing now.
but since the end is not yet in sight, it has to somehow justify the means.
and i know that someday, hopefully soon, and hopefully before i'm 30, i will be out of this mess. and hopefully someday I will be sending a mass email to my friends, telling them about my new business, along with the link to my website. i really, really hope so.
as for now, i'll just keep looking for other jobs and praying i can keep my sanity until someday comes...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
there's no place like home
if "home is where the heart is", to add another cliche phrase to the post, then i have to say i felt very at home this weekend.
no more flooding since last time, and i got to see one of my very best friends this weekend that i haven't seen for four months. which doesn't seem like a huge amount of time, but it really is when we used to live in the same city as each other and now are states apart.
it felt so genuinely good and almost relieving to have her in my life again, if only for a couple days. we ate good food, we caught up on life, we went shopping, we took naps on the couch while watching the science channel, we drank too much wine, we sang along to Beauty and the Beast on VHS, we went to church after losing an hour of sleep, we hugged, we said goodbye once again.
and we were friends- in person. and it was so nice. and i feel very grateful.
no more flooding since last time, and i got to see one of my very best friends this weekend that i haven't seen for four months. which doesn't seem like a huge amount of time, but it really is when we used to live in the same city as each other and now are states apart.
it felt so genuinely good and almost relieving to have her in my life again, if only for a couple days. we ate good food, we caught up on life, we went shopping, we took naps on the couch while watching the science channel, we drank too much wine, we sang along to Beauty and the Beast on VHS, we went to church after losing an hour of sleep, we hugged, we said goodbye once again.
and we were friends- in person. and it was so nice. and i feel very grateful.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
lyrics of the moment
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
"Breathe Me" by Sia.
(Very pretty and emotional song, have been listening on repeat all night. I would recommend youtubing it, was going to post a video, but there are so many to choose from...)
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
"Breathe Me" by Sia.
(Very pretty and emotional song, have been listening on repeat all night. I would recommend youtubing it, was going to post a video, but there are so many to choose from...)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
seeing
i don't want to jinx anything, but i think we had the first rain of springtime yesterday in Des Moines, Iowa. it wasn't cold enough to turn into snow or ice, and helped wash away some of the ickiness of winter- e.g. sand, salt, dirty ice mounds, etc.
unfortunately, because of the excess water from snow melting and precipitation our apartment flooded again. probably the sixth time we've had flooding problems since we moved in. and while it is stressful and endlessly frustrating, at least i'm not too suprised anymore. we had new neighbors that moved in this week and i actually had a dream a few nights ago that our apt. flooded, albeit for different reasons but you can see how the wet floors we found yesterday wasn't too much of a shock.
and since i'm on the topic of issues with my apartment/building managers, they found our "secret" mini charcoal grill when they were doing inspections last month and we had to get rid of that. but at least we got to have yummy grilled meats and vegetables for one summer.
still, its ironic to me how they can see something as a grill- covered with snow until yesterday- more of a possibly harmful condition than the potential mold and mildew that comes with several floods. i know its easier said than done to replace the entire carpet, and/or to move to a different place. even if we moved up a floor we would probably have to add about $100 bucks to our fixed rent we have right now, and we just can't afford that.
so needless to say, it was kind of a gloomy weekend. i had plans to clean the entire apt. as will have company next weekend, but it all seemed a futile project until we can get this most recent mess all taken care of. i did get some things done, but mostly was just lazy and watched a lot of movies.
tonight i watched At First Sight, with Val Kilmer. in the words of Chandler from the tv show Friends, the movie is a "tutti-frutti love story about a blind guy." i had seen it a couple times before but for some reason was in the mood for a good ole chick flick. and i noticed some things in the movie i hadn't noticed before.
basically, the main character "Virgil", has been blind his whole life and undergoes experimental surgery where he gains his sight back temporarily. the biggest struggle for him is not just seeing, but understanding what he sees, since he has little to no visual memories to relate to. during his "occipital exploration", if you will, he notices graffiti on a van, and thinks its beautiful, and therefore immediately "corrected" by his girlfriend that it is offensive. he also passes homeless people on the street and doesn't understand why its important to ignore them and look away- he just wants to see and take in everything he can!
its amazing to me how much we that are gifted with sight, not only take for granted, but also expect and rely on our eyes to guide us through life. appearances seem to be the most important thing to judge by, at least from the perspective of pop culture. what if, for a day, we saw something, someone, and had no precendented assumptions or beliefs, we didn't see good or bad, ugly or beautiful, fat or skinny, worthy of being our friend or not worthy, we just saw it-them, for what amazing things they can do?
its a nice concept to think about but like replacing the carpet or moving, so much easier said than done. maybe its not our sight that we rely on, but rather, the conditioned reponses we've grown up with that have taught us how to respond to what we see.
sometimes i think, myself included, that we're too sight oriented and forget to look through to the heart of people. just because they're important or powerful, doesn't mean we need to please them. and vice versa. why is it so easy to judge a singer for the way she's dressed, instead of how beautiful her voice is? why is it so easy to point a finger at someone who smokes, when they are an amazing artist? why can't we just see people for who they truly are?
it seems such an ordinary or perhaps, elementary idea to fall back on. but sometimes its good to go back to basics and remember what's really important.
unfortunately, because of the excess water from snow melting and precipitation our apartment flooded again. probably the sixth time we've had flooding problems since we moved in. and while it is stressful and endlessly frustrating, at least i'm not too suprised anymore. we had new neighbors that moved in this week and i actually had a dream a few nights ago that our apt. flooded, albeit for different reasons but you can see how the wet floors we found yesterday wasn't too much of a shock.
and since i'm on the topic of issues with my apartment/building managers, they found our "secret" mini charcoal grill when they were doing inspections last month and we had to get rid of that. but at least we got to have yummy grilled meats and vegetables for one summer.
still, its ironic to me how they can see something as a grill- covered with snow until yesterday- more of a possibly harmful condition than the potential mold and mildew that comes with several floods. i know its easier said than done to replace the entire carpet, and/or to move to a different place. even if we moved up a floor we would probably have to add about $100 bucks to our fixed rent we have right now, and we just can't afford that.
so needless to say, it was kind of a gloomy weekend. i had plans to clean the entire apt. as will have company next weekend, but it all seemed a futile project until we can get this most recent mess all taken care of. i did get some things done, but mostly was just lazy and watched a lot of movies.
tonight i watched At First Sight, with Val Kilmer. in the words of Chandler from the tv show Friends, the movie is a "tutti-frutti love story about a blind guy." i had seen it a couple times before but for some reason was in the mood for a good ole chick flick. and i noticed some things in the movie i hadn't noticed before.
basically, the main character "Virgil", has been blind his whole life and undergoes experimental surgery where he gains his sight back temporarily. the biggest struggle for him is not just seeing, but understanding what he sees, since he has little to no visual memories to relate to. during his "occipital exploration", if you will, he notices graffiti on a van, and thinks its beautiful, and therefore immediately "corrected" by his girlfriend that it is offensive. he also passes homeless people on the street and doesn't understand why its important to ignore them and look away- he just wants to see and take in everything he can!
its amazing to me how much we that are gifted with sight, not only take for granted, but also expect and rely on our eyes to guide us through life. appearances seem to be the most important thing to judge by, at least from the perspective of pop culture. what if, for a day, we saw something, someone, and had no precendented assumptions or beliefs, we didn't see good or bad, ugly or beautiful, fat or skinny, worthy of being our friend or not worthy, we just saw it-them, for what amazing things they can do?
its a nice concept to think about but like replacing the carpet or moving, so much easier said than done. maybe its not our sight that we rely on, but rather, the conditioned reponses we've grown up with that have taught us how to respond to what we see.
sometimes i think, myself included, that we're too sight oriented and forget to look through to the heart of people. just because they're important or powerful, doesn't mean we need to please them. and vice versa. why is it so easy to judge a singer for the way she's dressed, instead of how beautiful her voice is? why is it so easy to point a finger at someone who smokes, when they are an amazing artist? why can't we just see people for who they truly are?
it seems such an ordinary or perhaps, elementary idea to fall back on. but sometimes its good to go back to basics and remember what's really important.
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