i'm sick of this job. the constant hundreds of daily outgoing phone calls. the endless reading off of the "script" of what to say to employers. the lack of freedom and leg room. the fact that the end is not in sight.
i'm sick of calling my friends/boyfriend to complain about my family. and of constantly having to "be the bigger person" when dealing with one or both of my parents. and for having to be the parent in an emotional sense, to have to sheild my mother from reality or help her through it. and for being the sounding wall against her bitterness of ...... all the freaking time.
i'm sick of being overweight. even when i was 50 pounds smaller i was still significantly "bigger" than my friends. i'm sick of having back problems because of it. and that everytime i try a new diet and/or exercise routine, it never lasts and i end up gaining back twice as much as i lost. and being afraid to try something, anything again because it probably won't work. and for my polycistic ovaries and insomnia and depression from time to time that help in fueling this problem. and trying to eat healthy on a regular basis without any results.
i'm sick of explaining to people why i'm not married. and that i have to explain. and that there are so many other important issues in the world-even in my personal life- that need to get figured out before i follow the aforementioned ritual. because when it happens, it shouldn't just be out of ritual.
i'm sick of being poor. of not having enough money to pay my bills and that i literally own nothing. except my dining room table.
i'm sick of winter. and the fact that, although i mostly joke about it, i get depressed every year during this cold weather because of seasonal affective disorder. and pretending that its just all in my head. and thinking that maybe everything will be better if i move to a warmer climate.
i'm sick of being so impatient...with other people and myself. and of chiding myself everytime i do something non-perfect. and for saying "i'm sorry" too often. and for building such high standards for myself and everyone around me.
i'm sick of talking too much and being too honest. and because of that, forming shallow relationships with the new people i meet in mylife. because i'm scared that if we become too close, eventually something will happen and i will lose them, in a sense.
and i'm sick of pretending that all these issues don't still exist in my life. because they do. and almost everyday is a battle of one or more of them.
and i'm tired. tired because i can't sleep....mostly because of one or more of these issues.
and being tired (physically and otherwise) makes it hard to be motivated, and to want to change. because its much easier to just sit here and complain about it.
and so- with all its risks- i will save this memo and publish it on my blog. because, maybe, just maybe, putting it out in cyberspace will hold me somewhat accountable to the things i want to be different in my life. not me....just some things about me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
happy day :)
just another Wednesday. had a headache. went to work. so hot at work i felt like stripping. no work to do at work so felt like leaving.
and guess what? my wish came true and we got off early!!!
this is the first day in a while i've been able to come home when the sun was still shining and sometimes it really makes a difference in my life. and i was so hot from the workplace i walked outside without a coat and i was perfectly comfortable- its in the 30's today, which really feels tropical to me after the below zero temperatures last week- and so i drove home with my windows down! ahhh...so nice.
and then- i came home and my monthly magazine had arrived in the mail- wahoo! this afternoon just kept getting better.
as much as i would like to say i subscribe to Time or National Geographic, i don't. not that i don't enjoy reading intellectual things, but i truly enjoy clothes and fashion. so my magazine of choice is Lucky-the magazine about shopping. i may not participate in every trend, and i definately can't afford it. even if i could, i wouldn't be able to live with myself spending hundreds of dollars on one article of clothing! the main name brand of clothes in my closet is Old Navy, Gap, or Target at best. and i'm not ashamed- i always find the best deals!
and so- with my free time i was thinking if i made my own magazine, what kind of articles i would have in there, and what sort of items i would showcase. truly nerdy, i know. but its a fun idea to toy with. and so here's my amatuer, small quasi-article of the best and worst fashion trends (at least in my opinion, at least right now in my life)
my top 5 favorite fashion looks:
1) crazy colored sneakers- what a better way to jazz up an old t-shirt and jeans? when i listen to the song "new shoes" by Paulo Nutini, this is what i think of. and i'm currently obsessed with getting a pair of affordable KangaROO's- because they exemplify fun and i used to get this brand when i was a little girl. (before my parents had another kid and couldn't afford them ;)
2) jersey cotton skirts- perfect for summer and for just lounging around the house. they're the new "sweatpants" look for me. they are just as or more comfortable, affordable, and always cute, for when you don't want to look like you just got out of bed or are coming back from the gym.
3) off-white vintagy peasant tops - since they come in a variety of styles i have about 4 currently. they go with anything, you can dress them up or down, and they look like you stole them from your mom's high school closet. which i love :)
4) tights- the one thing i used to hate wearing is now considered cool and helps keep me warm in the colder months as i will even wear them under jeans sometimes. not to mention, slight tummy control!
5) gray as a neutral- for the color thats not really a color, its one of my favorites to wear. i like the simplicity of anything gray, but it also can look very classic and is a good substitute for black when you're fair skinned like i am. my coat is gray, and thus in my opinion goes equally well with black and brown, since i don't often like wearing those two colors together.
my least 5 favorite fashion looks:
1) fur, even if its faux- if you're walking around and look like you're accessorizing with the game you just killed, i hope you're in a movie about Native America. i understand the practicality of wearing fur back in the day, or even now in colder climates. but i will never find this attractive. at least i don't plan on ever wearing it!
2) shoulder pads- need i say more? with all the 80's and early 90's fashion trends coming back on the market, i've actually seen one or two modern blazers advertised with shoulder pads intact. vomit reflex inducing. thats all.
3) when people wear sweatshirts and high heels- i wouldn't even call this fashion, but i've seen this crime committed so many times it definately had to make the list. its like- if you're going to wear heels, or any dressy shoe for that matter, whats with the baggy University of Iowa sweatshirt that looks at least 20 years old? maybe its just to keep warm, or maybe their jeans are too long. but i will never understand what is going through people's minds when they put these two things together.
4) a shoe heavier than your foot (think Doc Martins' ish)- they had their place when i was in high school. now they should be gone. at least, i'm over them!
5) embellished "mom" sweaters- now this may be acceptable for your 85 year old grandmother to wear on Christmas, but that's my personal age cut off for this unstobable manufacturing nightmare. i have tried- without avail, i might add- to save my own mother from this catastrophe. if a sweater is embellished on over 30% of the fabric, lights up, or the piece looks like it was made from wrapping paper design, you probably shouldn't be wearing it!
i definately don't consider myself a diva, or the most fashion forward girl around. but this kind of stuff is fun for me. i'm sure i've made some poor style choices before and i know for a fact that my boyfriend and maybe even a girlfriend or two has pinched their nose at one of my pair of shoes here, or a blousy top there.
but the only real thing that matters is if what you're wearing makes you happy! otherwise, just give it to charity and call it a day ;)
and guess what? my wish came true and we got off early!!!
this is the first day in a while i've been able to come home when the sun was still shining and sometimes it really makes a difference in my life. and i was so hot from the workplace i walked outside without a coat and i was perfectly comfortable- its in the 30's today, which really feels tropical to me after the below zero temperatures last week- and so i drove home with my windows down! ahhh...so nice.
and then- i came home and my monthly magazine had arrived in the mail- wahoo! this afternoon just kept getting better.
as much as i would like to say i subscribe to Time or National Geographic, i don't. not that i don't enjoy reading intellectual things, but i truly enjoy clothes and fashion. so my magazine of choice is Lucky-the magazine about shopping. i may not participate in every trend, and i definately can't afford it. even if i could, i wouldn't be able to live with myself spending hundreds of dollars on one article of clothing! the main name brand of clothes in my closet is Old Navy, Gap, or Target at best. and i'm not ashamed- i always find the best deals!
and so- with my free time i was thinking if i made my own magazine, what kind of articles i would have in there, and what sort of items i would showcase. truly nerdy, i know. but its a fun idea to toy with. and so here's my amatuer, small quasi-article of the best and worst fashion trends (at least in my opinion, at least right now in my life)
my top 5 favorite fashion looks:
1) crazy colored sneakers- what a better way to jazz up an old t-shirt and jeans? when i listen to the song "new shoes" by Paulo Nutini, this is what i think of. and i'm currently obsessed with getting a pair of affordable KangaROO's- because they exemplify fun and i used to get this brand when i was a little girl. (before my parents had another kid and couldn't afford them ;)
2) jersey cotton skirts- perfect for summer and for just lounging around the house. they're the new "sweatpants" look for me. they are just as or more comfortable, affordable, and always cute, for when you don't want to look like you just got out of bed or are coming back from the gym.
3) off-white vintagy peasant tops - since they come in a variety of styles i have about 4 currently. they go with anything, you can dress them up or down, and they look like you stole them from your mom's high school closet. which i love :)
4) tights- the one thing i used to hate wearing is now considered cool and helps keep me warm in the colder months as i will even wear them under jeans sometimes. not to mention, slight tummy control!
5) gray as a neutral- for the color thats not really a color, its one of my favorites to wear. i like the simplicity of anything gray, but it also can look very classic and is a good substitute for black when you're fair skinned like i am. my coat is gray, and thus in my opinion goes equally well with black and brown, since i don't often like wearing those two colors together.
my least 5 favorite fashion looks:
1) fur, even if its faux- if you're walking around and look like you're accessorizing with the game you just killed, i hope you're in a movie about Native America. i understand the practicality of wearing fur back in the day, or even now in colder climates. but i will never find this attractive. at least i don't plan on ever wearing it!
2) shoulder pads- need i say more? with all the 80's and early 90's fashion trends coming back on the market, i've actually seen one or two modern blazers advertised with shoulder pads intact. vomit reflex inducing. thats all.
3) when people wear sweatshirts and high heels- i wouldn't even call this fashion, but i've seen this crime committed so many times it definately had to make the list. its like- if you're going to wear heels, or any dressy shoe for that matter, whats with the baggy University of Iowa sweatshirt that looks at least 20 years old? maybe its just to keep warm, or maybe their jeans are too long. but i will never understand what is going through people's minds when they put these two things together.
4) a shoe heavier than your foot (think Doc Martins' ish)- they had their place when i was in high school. now they should be gone. at least, i'm over them!
5) embellished "mom" sweaters- now this may be acceptable for your 85 year old grandmother to wear on Christmas, but that's my personal age cut off for this unstobable manufacturing nightmare. i have tried- without avail, i might add- to save my own mother from this catastrophe. if a sweater is embellished on over 30% of the fabric, lights up, or the piece looks like it was made from wrapping paper design, you probably shouldn't be wearing it!
i definately don't consider myself a diva, or the most fashion forward girl around. but this kind of stuff is fun for me. i'm sure i've made some poor style choices before and i know for a fact that my boyfriend and maybe even a girlfriend or two has pinched their nose at one of my pair of shoes here, or a blousy top there.
but the only real thing that matters is if what you're wearing makes you happy! otherwise, just give it to charity and call it a day ;)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
feeling guilty/the folly of facebook
i woke up this morning very distraught. despite my usual lack of energy and desire to go to work, i was tossing and turning while worrying what to say to someone.
recently i received an invitation from this someone-a long lost friend- to hang out sometime. and when i say long lost, i mean really, very long. not have we been communicado since we were children. and despite my love of relationships i've found myself wrestling to start this one back up again....for several reasons.
first and foremost- i can barely keep up with my close friends as it is! the older you get, naturally the harder it is because people move, people change, and life just happens. i can't even seem to find the energy to call people who are dear to me, people who i've promised to call and just keep putting it off. and i don't know why but just the same, there's that. so why would i logically want to cross off another day of the week to spend with someone where it seems that the only thing we have in common anymore is the city we live in? i realize that sounds completely selfish and arrogant and unbelivably balsy to be admitting. but its my truth- its how i feel, at least right now.
there are other reasons, of course, why i've been avoiding this person. not only have they tagged me in pictures that i'm not even in, just so they would appear on my facebook profile, but they are constantly trying to chat with me. now, i'm not so much a bitch that i generally ignore people- even people i don't love- but lets just put it this way. if this person were an ex-boyfriend of mine, i would be thoroughly annoyed and feel like i might have a stalker.
now i'm not so full of myself that i think this person is obsessed with me. and normally i would feel like reaching out, and being social. but this particular case of events is exactly the reason i originally rejected the idea of having a personal profile on something like facebook, or myspace, the list goes on.
it used to matter to me how many friends i had. but now, i would rather have deep relationships with a few close friends, rather than hundreds of facebook "friends."
don't get me wrong, the idea of having a portal where i can say "happy birthday", or "get well", or "hi- how've you been" to a relative or friend at the click of a button is awesome! but it doesn't stop there. you have to be constantly updating pictures to show everyone how exciting your life is. and then you have to look at everyone elses' and tag, and comment, and share.
and then some. i've heard of more parents joining facebook in the past couple years to "keep an eye on what their college kid is up too." gotta make sure they're not doing anything naughty or have pictures of alcoholic beverages in their hands! even my dad has joined and everytime he posts a comment towards me, its usually something about Jesus. and i like Jesus- and my dad- but everytime? really?
and then some more. a lot of people view facebook as a mini-blog of sorts. and i'm all about being who you are and have nothing against displaying religious and political beliefs. but have you ever thought about how nothing on facebook is private? maybe that's the whole idea, but there are somepeople who don't understand the "rules", if you will. some people will gossip on their profile's and share that with the world! and if you think about it, for every comment you make or statement you declare- there is at least one person who will be offended, or disagree, or feel jealous. so much so that at times it seems nothing more than a portal back into high school locker rooms.
to be fair, i really don't hate facebook. i actually enjoy the lack of obligation i have with some of my family and friends, now that everyone is all in one easily accessible place. and i love looking at pictures and i enjoy the fact that i have somewhere to put mine incase my camera gets lost or my memory cards explode ;)
its funny to think this tangent- that's really all it is- all came about because i am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. i'm afraid they will be jealous i replied to someone else and not them. because i'm not trying to be immature, but i don't want to make another promise of sorts, that i can't keep. i don't want to say, yeah lets hang out/call me sometime, when i won't follow through. so now i'm left with nothing more than just feeling head over heels guilty for feeling this way, and wishing i didn't care so much.
and the worst part of this whole silly thing is- i wonder who feels the same way about me? i wonder who i am an inconvenience to?
recently i received an invitation from this someone-a long lost friend- to hang out sometime. and when i say long lost, i mean really, very long. not have we been communicado since we were children. and despite my love of relationships i've found myself wrestling to start this one back up again....for several reasons.
first and foremost- i can barely keep up with my close friends as it is! the older you get, naturally the harder it is because people move, people change, and life just happens. i can't even seem to find the energy to call people who are dear to me, people who i've promised to call and just keep putting it off. and i don't know why but just the same, there's that. so why would i logically want to cross off another day of the week to spend with someone where it seems that the only thing we have in common anymore is the city we live in? i realize that sounds completely selfish and arrogant and unbelivably balsy to be admitting. but its my truth- its how i feel, at least right now.
there are other reasons, of course, why i've been avoiding this person. not only have they tagged me in pictures that i'm not even in, just so they would appear on my facebook profile, but they are constantly trying to chat with me. now, i'm not so much a bitch that i generally ignore people- even people i don't love- but lets just put it this way. if this person were an ex-boyfriend of mine, i would be thoroughly annoyed and feel like i might have a stalker.
now i'm not so full of myself that i think this person is obsessed with me. and normally i would feel like reaching out, and being social. but this particular case of events is exactly the reason i originally rejected the idea of having a personal profile on something like facebook, or myspace, the list goes on.
it used to matter to me how many friends i had. but now, i would rather have deep relationships with a few close friends, rather than hundreds of facebook "friends."
don't get me wrong, the idea of having a portal where i can say "happy birthday", or "get well", or "hi- how've you been" to a relative or friend at the click of a button is awesome! but it doesn't stop there. you have to be constantly updating pictures to show everyone how exciting your life is. and then you have to look at everyone elses' and tag, and comment, and share.
and then some. i've heard of more parents joining facebook in the past couple years to "keep an eye on what their college kid is up too." gotta make sure they're not doing anything naughty or have pictures of alcoholic beverages in their hands! even my dad has joined and everytime he posts a comment towards me, its usually something about Jesus. and i like Jesus- and my dad- but everytime? really?
and then some more. a lot of people view facebook as a mini-blog of sorts. and i'm all about being who you are and have nothing against displaying religious and political beliefs. but have you ever thought about how nothing on facebook is private? maybe that's the whole idea, but there are somepeople who don't understand the "rules", if you will. some people will gossip on their profile's and share that with the world! and if you think about it, for every comment you make or statement you declare- there is at least one person who will be offended, or disagree, or feel jealous. so much so that at times it seems nothing more than a portal back into high school locker rooms.
to be fair, i really don't hate facebook. i actually enjoy the lack of obligation i have with some of my family and friends, now that everyone is all in one easily accessible place. and i love looking at pictures and i enjoy the fact that i have somewhere to put mine incase my camera gets lost or my memory cards explode ;)
its funny to think this tangent- that's really all it is- all came about because i am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. i'm afraid they will be jealous i replied to someone else and not them. because i'm not trying to be immature, but i don't want to make another promise of sorts, that i can't keep. i don't want to say, yeah lets hang out/call me sometime, when i won't follow through. so now i'm left with nothing more than just feeling head over heels guilty for feeling this way, and wishing i didn't care so much.
and the worst part of this whole silly thing is- i wonder who feels the same way about me? i wonder who i am an inconvenience to?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
January 3, 2010
its 3 days in to the new year and it already feels weird to type "2010". Its been a decade since the new milennium. (did i spell milennium right?)
anyway, i've noticed a few things about the changing of years in the past few. for one, it always feels like there should be some big, noticeable change all around you. and it never is. it usually comes and goes without notice until you realize, oops- i suppose i should've made at least a couple grandiose resolutions by now. but seeing as i haven't and it's no longer new year's eve, perhaps i should just forget it. and then lent comes a few months later and gives you a second chance to make those infamous self-suggestions if only for a short period of time. and maybe thats why the new year never really feels new. its funny even to think that 10 years ago, some people were freaking out about Y2K -stocking their underground shelters with canned goods and bottled water- and yet those supplies are probably collecting dust to this very day.
people, the american society at the very least, seem to always be craving drama. something to busy themselves, something to look forward to- big or petty. you could break it down person-to-person, or look on us as a whole. we are a society driven by the media, planning events around the newest blockbuster premiere. i was evaluating my conversation to some old friends today, and how i probably asked more than 3 times if they had seen a certain movie. and for some reason i felt ashamed for making that one of the primary topics of conversation. not that i really think anything is wrong with going to the theater, or even being a fanatic about the motion pictures. it was more of a feeling of regret, that i couldn't think of any other "user-friendly" conversation topic to discuss.
i don't really know how my suddenly guilty conscious of being a movie connoisseur ties into the idea of another "new" year, but perhaps what i'm trying to unfold is infact a desire to regress. regress to the days where i couldn't afford to go to movies all the time, much less purchasing a popcorn combo. (because- lets be honest here- i can't even afford it now!) i don't need the extra calories and i think it would do me good to get back to the olden days- the days i blamed my parents and then some for what was only a natural delay of gratification.
maybe i need to read more books and see less movies. maybe i need to clean my closet instead of shopping when i get the urge.
in alot of ways i think i have "self-improved", if you will, over the past couple years. but i guess i'm always seeing so many ways i think i have to change that maybe i'm just too overwhelmed to make a couple handy dandy resolutions.
i don't think its important to have everything, but i always have been somewhat of a closet perfectionist. and i think being "perfect", or at least close to it, means different things to different people. and for me alot of the time, being close to perfect has meant being relevant to the outer world in a way i could never be while i was growing up.
i'm still far from perfection, and definately far from relevance to so many people. but the older i get and the more calendars i hang up the more i realize that less is more, and maybe the past really wasn't so tragic afterall. maybe i should be striving to be more like who i was before i became "better".
anyway, i've noticed a few things about the changing of years in the past few. for one, it always feels like there should be some big, noticeable change all around you. and it never is. it usually comes and goes without notice until you realize, oops- i suppose i should've made at least a couple grandiose resolutions by now. but seeing as i haven't and it's no longer new year's eve, perhaps i should just forget it. and then lent comes a few months later and gives you a second chance to make those infamous self-suggestions if only for a short period of time. and maybe thats why the new year never really feels new. its funny even to think that 10 years ago, some people were freaking out about Y2K -stocking their underground shelters with canned goods and bottled water- and yet those supplies are probably collecting dust to this very day.
people, the american society at the very least, seem to always be craving drama. something to busy themselves, something to look forward to- big or petty. you could break it down person-to-person, or look on us as a whole. we are a society driven by the media, planning events around the newest blockbuster premiere. i was evaluating my conversation to some old friends today, and how i probably asked more than 3 times if they had seen a certain movie. and for some reason i felt ashamed for making that one of the primary topics of conversation. not that i really think anything is wrong with going to the theater, or even being a fanatic about the motion pictures. it was more of a feeling of regret, that i couldn't think of any other "user-friendly" conversation topic to discuss.
i don't really know how my suddenly guilty conscious of being a movie connoisseur ties into the idea of another "new" year, but perhaps what i'm trying to unfold is infact a desire to regress. regress to the days where i couldn't afford to go to movies all the time, much less purchasing a popcorn combo. (because- lets be honest here- i can't even afford it now!) i don't need the extra calories and i think it would do me good to get back to the olden days- the days i blamed my parents and then some for what was only a natural delay of gratification.
maybe i need to read more books and see less movies. maybe i need to clean my closet instead of shopping when i get the urge.
in alot of ways i think i have "self-improved", if you will, over the past couple years. but i guess i'm always seeing so many ways i think i have to change that maybe i'm just too overwhelmed to make a couple handy dandy resolutions.
i don't think its important to have everything, but i always have been somewhat of a closet perfectionist. and i think being "perfect", or at least close to it, means different things to different people. and for me alot of the time, being close to perfect has meant being relevant to the outer world in a way i could never be while i was growing up.
i'm still far from perfection, and definately far from relevance to so many people. but the older i get and the more calendars i hang up the more i realize that less is more, and maybe the past really wasn't so tragic afterall. maybe i should be striving to be more like who i was before i became "better".
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