change is in the air

fall has always been a season for change, both literally and figuratively.  and this year, I've been feeling it more than ever.

i suppose it started this summer, when i turned 30.  as tentative as i was about entering a new decade in my life, officially being able to say "i'm in my 30's", and all the societal expectations that comes with it, i never expected certain things to happen.

and the biggest thing i never expected to happen this year, was to become a homeowner.  and now that jesse and i are officially 3 days from closing on our house, it seems more surreal than ever.

every time i blog (which is now more few and far between than ever) i have to chuckle at the last blog post i had written and how in a few weeks or months i am in such a different state of mind than i was before.  for instance, in my last post i was complaining about money and feeling poor.  and the fact that we're buying a house seems like such a disconnect, even if part of the reason we are doing so is to save money in the long run.

so no i'm not any richer.  but these last few months have made me wiser. and my relationship with jesse has become even stronger.   sometimes it takes a huge change, scary or exciting as it may be, to realize how grateful you are for what you have.

this has also been a weird year due to the fact that some of my favorite tv series are over forever!  for example, "Breaking Bad", "Dexter", and of course "What Not to Wear."  this evening i watched my recording of the WNTW season/series finale.  and during the final show recaps, hearing the wonderful things said by the hosts, and contestants, and other fans such as myself, i got all choked up.  and as the tears filled my eyes, i said out loud, "wow, I am such a pathetic loser!" and jesse in his lovingly teasing way concurred.  and as i let a few tears fall i realized, just as that wonderful TLC show was never really about clothes (okay it was a little bit about clothes) but mostly about building women's confidence and self-esteem, and in the same way my emotional response wasn't really about the end of a tv show, but about the end of a phase of my life.

when a big change comes, even if it's moving on to bigger and better things, it still means saying goodbye to a part of your existence.  and if that part of your existence happened to be full of wonderful moments, it's hard to let go.

for the past 7 years i've lived with jesse in this apartment. (the one small move we had didn't count since the apartment was the exact same layout, just bigger and the same general west des moines location).  and 7 years is a long time.  not only have we learned so much about each other but we've learned so much about ourselves.  i started my adulthood in these apartments.  these walls have seen a thousand tears; they've heard a million laughs.  they've answered a hundred questions that usually start with "what do i do now?", including our next move.

there's always a trade off when change happens.  in this case, as it should be, the pros out weigh the cons. but saying hello to more bedrooms means saying goodbye to my huge walk-in closet.  saying hello to a beautiful yard means saying goodbye to free lawn care and snow removal.  saying hello to painting the walls any color i want and having new stainless steel appliances also means saying goodbye to free repairs and maintenance done by somebody else.

and another series of questions arises in my head as well: what happens next? does getting a house mean we have to start having babies and staying at home more because we can't afford to go out and take trips?  does this new step in life intrinsically move me 5 boxes forward in the game of life? are we ready for this? am i?

seven years ago as a recent college grad, besides getting a job in my major field, i was concerned about going shopping for new clothes every weekend, learning new moves in the bedroom, and hanging out with my friends as often as possible. the former few concerns aren't at the forefront of my mind these days, but the latter one remains true.  and sometimes, when people "move on" or "settle down" all it means is that they move off the grid. and sometimes, that's okay. but so much of my life i've defined who i am as a person by how many people are surrounding me at the time.  things change when you're surrounded by mainly one person for a long period of time and you have to decide, is it worth 7 more years, or 77 more?  would i move across the globe with this person? will we still love each other when something in our beautiful new house breaks and we have to sacrifice means to fix it? will we let the fate of our own parents and grandparents determine our own?

common law says we're married; society doesn't. in fact our realtor on more than one occasion has asked, "when's the wedding?"  so what do i say?  i say that buying a house together (aka committing at least the next 30 years of our life together) is a pretty big step forward.  we may never fit into a certain mold, but we fit with each other.  i don't have any regrets about the past 7 years.  and i'm so thrilled, so blessed, to share a life with someone who loves me the way he does. because that's what truly makes a house a home, wherever you may dwell.

grocery shopping gives me OCD

yes, yes, it goes without saying that i've ignored blogging for the past few months, and for several reasons. without going into too much detail, here's a list of 5 reasons why I haven't written:
1) i saw a therapist for a few months, which was a good form of catharsis, and thereby decreased my need to blog
2) life gets really busy when spring and summer come around
3) work has been so stressful lately i need all the time i can get just to not think for a few hours at night and on weekends when i actually have some free time
4) i didn't like the depressing turn my blog took the past few entries...because that's not who i am and how i feel all the time
5) i didn't want it to be an obligation, and the important people in my life already know what's going on in it :)

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MEANWHILE- and again without being too depressing i want to talk about money and why grocery shopping makes me feel like a crazy person.

money sucks. the need for money sucks.  the fact that [we] work really hard 5 days a week to spend all our hard earned money 2 days a week sucks even more, and if you think about it, is really wrong and backwards.

theoretically, i'm in the best place financially i've been in years; i have a full time (non-temporary) job with benefits, i don't have any credit cards or credit card debt, i don't have any car payments and i rarely have to buy gas since i live close enough to walk to work, and i don't have any kids.

so then, pray tell, why am i so broke?  and maybe everyone feels this way.  don't get me wrong, i have what i need, and i get about 60% of what i want, whether it be going out to eat 3-4 times a week, or getting new bedroom décor.

but instead of eating good food, lately i've eaten cheap fast food to save money. and instead of getting new bedroom furniture cause i'm 30 and still sleeping in the same bed I've had since i was 3-years-old, i just got a new comforter and some candles to change the color scheme, and moved my furniture around to make it feel like a different space.

and before you start thinking this is just another blog post where i'm feeling sorry for myself, read on. my point is, or i guess my question is,  how is it that i can't afford to fix my broken car ac? how is it that i have to choose between getting someone a bridal shower present and getting myself a pedicure? and while both of those things might seem completely unnecessary, my point is, with everything i mentioned 3 paragraphs ago, i should be able to afford both right?

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jesse and i had talked about going camping this weekend...getting a way from it all in an affordable way, and enjoying the great outdoors. but, when the great outdoors decided to be 100 degrees, we decided on a Champp's burger, and comedic matinee in an air conditioned theater instead.   and then we made the mistake of getting groceries. oh so excited by coupons and fuel saver deals, we stocked up as we were out of about everything, since we didn't get much groceries the last couple weeks.  and all the while being frugal we still managed to spend $160.  on crap.  on a bag boy putting bananas and bread in the bottom of the bags.

so as we were loading the bags into our trunk, I had my 4th freak out of the week.  i was angry, no, indignant; as an [insert grocery store name here] former employee myself, it mortified me how badly he sacked our overpriced, even non-organic food that we paid good money for!  which happens ALL the time! what a moron! and don't even get me started on the cart corrals; people putting the small carts on the big cart side even when there's only 3 carts in there!  what inconsiderate jerks!!   and while i know these things aren't the end of the world, it just astonishes me that we as a society have forgotten the simplest of all social rules: the golden rule.

i know everyone is busy, everyone is tired, and apparently lazy, but it doesn't take that much time and energy to be considerate, does it?

so i left the grocery store feeling more and more like a crazy person.  but after a week of things breaking (i.e. ripped bed sheets, faulty internet, ac leaking water and mold underneath a closet area...etc) it's so easy to be angry and feel hopeless, even if it is about things that shouldn't matter all that much.  but at the end of the day, we live where we live, and if it isn't a good environment, it makes us want to go away and do things and going away to do things (i.e. eating out, road trips, etc.) costs money that we don't have.

so i don't have any big time revelations after today, except that from now on i will be bagging my groceries myself. 

as for the other stuff, i guess it's just about priorities,  and i would rather have a fun night out with jesse, than a working ac unit in my car when it's almost fall anyway.

holy crap, it's almost fall!

here and now and healing

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"All winter we got carried away...

 ...No, I don't want to battle from beginning to end,
I don't want to cycle or recycle revengeI don't want to follow death and all of his friends...          -(Coldplay)
                                              
the past 2 months have been hard. very hard.  if you are reading this, you probably know why, so i won't go into detail about what happened with my family. but the stress of it all has given me a bit of depression and lack of desire for most everything...including writing.   

so, i am not writing this out of self-pity, but rather, because i am finally starting to feel a bit like myself again.  and not because the "situation" is resolved, but because i am finding out certain truths about myself and about life. truth #1: i don't have to be co-dependent.

i feel incredibly stupid admitting this, especially as a psych major, but i always had the wrong definition of "co-dependency" in my mind.  i just thought it was as simple as 2 people being joint at the hip and not being able to do anything without the other person being 100% involved.  well, that can be an outcome of co-dependency, but not necessarily the whole "kit and caboodle"  of it all.  i am learning the difference between sympathy, empathy, and co-dependency.  and i'm trying be who i am without letting my mood be completely reliant on the actions and mood of everyone around me.


"It has gotten to my head.
Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again..."           -(Sixpence None the Richer)


 also, i am learning about grief and loss. truth #2: someone doesn't have to die for you to go through the typical stages of grief.  because apparently, with the diagnosis of my therapist, those are the symptoms i show, based on previous and current events happening in my life. i am...someone who is dealing with loss. and hopefully, one day, i will have closure.



....And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape
 And in the endWe lie awake and we dream of making our escape"             -(Coldplay)

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