i believe in God, or at the very least, the "best" in humans. i believe in the devil, or at the very least, the "worst" in all humans. i believe in natural consequences. i believe that we are all connected; we being animals, ecosystems, humans. i believe things happen for a reason, even if that reason is pure coincidence. i would like to believe in a supernatural Deity who hears our prayers and sometimes intervenes for the better. i have had certain experiences that have led me to once again get closer to believing this.
sometimes when i pray- not gonna lie, i feel like i'm either complaining or talking to the ceiling. but other times this happens:
a few weeks ago i was having a normal day. i went out to run errands, one of them being grocery shopping, and guess who the bag boy was? one of the kids i worked with at Orchard Place several years ago. and this boy was not just "one" of the kids, but my favorite. (yeah, yeah, i know you're not supposed to have favorites, but we all do!) and i know most of you reading this might have already heard this story, but immediately after our reunion i pushed the cart full of groceries out of the store and broke into tears. seeing him, an older, pimply version of him, brought back so many memories, both good and bad. but it evoked a world in me. a world i remember, sometimes with pain, but a world i'm so glad i have experienced. all in all, to know he's graduated from high school is a miracle considering he was too afraid to go to school when he was 6 years younger. he has a job, he's not in prison, he looks healthy, he's alive and well. all of these things are not a guarantee for the troubled youth i worked with.
so often i've wondered if what i did there made a difference. i've imagined running into this boy or that girl; wondered if i would recognize them, or more importantly if they would recognize me. well, it finally happened. and i was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, but mostly joy. i felt such joy!
and only a few weeks later i'm down in the dumps feeling like nothing matters.
this weekend i did something i never thought i'd do...i went to the "Women of Faith" conference with my mother and sister. they've been begging me for years and finally i consented to go to a portion of it this year. and you know what? it wasn't that bad. sure some of it was the "super-Christianity" i had anticipated, but to my surprise (and dismay) a lot of things that were said were really relevant to what i'm going through right now. maybe that means i've turned into a sad and desperate housewife, or maybe it means i'm normal. but every once in a while, it is nice to hear that God loves me and has a purpose for me...(stupid feel good theology; Jeremiah 29:11 gets me every time!)
and despite my latent sarcasm, i think it was good that i went. it made my mom happy (though not satisfied, as she wants me to go to the whole thing next year!) but all in all, i don't regret it, and it was actually somewhat restorative.
yesterday while they were at the part of the conference i didn't go to, i went to the store to get a couple things i needed for supper. i was just about to my car, with 3 bags of groceries and myself all wet from the rain, and i hear a voice behind me, "Hello." and it is him. he found me before it was too late. and of course, i acted all cool and nonchalant this time.
i think sometimes its okay to get caught up in the emotions of life. it may take you down to dark places sometimes. but it also lets you experience greatness; great joy, great redemption.
one of the things a speaker said at "Women of Faith" was that God wants to give us joy! that He isn't looking to stomp on all our fun! and how we as Christians get so caught up in guilt and judgement that we forget it's okay to be happy and enjoy life.
and even though that might sound kind of cheesy, i really appreciated hearing that.
the other night as i was saying goodnight to jesse he made a comment about our evening together that made me laugh for 7 minutes straight. and it felt so good to laugh, that hard, that long. because its the silliness that gets us through the hard times.
and its the meaningfulness that comes when all we think we're getting is eggs.
He found me before it was too late.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
it's not that i have nothing to say...
...it's just that i've been too busy and too tired to say it.
i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced. i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again. i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?
and other thoughts like that.
i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical. i've been, well, me.
i've had lots of good days, mostly. and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.
because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?
after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?
and that's kind of where i am right now. NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.
why fix something that isn't broken, right?
why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?
why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?
why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?
why pay all my bills on time and never have fun? i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.
i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much. it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life. sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for. i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)
maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.
the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes. and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.
it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged. i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!
and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out. if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix. if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i. because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there. but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right? the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure. but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.
i don't want to be the latter. and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.
i've been watching "Lost" (again) and watering the grounds where i work and making scrapbooks and meals. i've been reuniting with old friends and staying in touch with not so old friends and making sure my family(ies) and i get to see each other 1-2 times a month because we live in the same state and people get old and die before you know it-like my pappap who is not dead yet, but has apparently been sentenced. i've been spending money and freaking out because i don't have money to spend. i've been dealing with broken refrigerators and ac units, and wondering why the cable & internet are down, again. i've been cleaning and organizing and wondering what the best toilet cleaner might be and yet not caring about clean toilets or wearing wrinkled dirty pants, all at the same time, because toilets are where people shit so why do they always need to be shiny, and laundry will never really be done so who even cares?
and other thoughts like that.
i've been complacent and calm. other days, i've been frantic and analytical. i've been, well, me.
i've had lots of good days, mostly. and those good days usually happen because i choose not to acknowledge the icky petty stuff.
because, well, everything is petty, isn't it?
after you hear about what's going on in certain other peoples lives, it doesn't seem to matter much what's going on in your own, because for once everything is FINE, and you're either too much in denial to talk about the things that aren't fine, or too ashamed to admit everything is fine, because no one loves somebody who is always fine, right?
and that's kind of where i am right now. NOTHING is perfect, but everything is fine.
why fix something that isn't broken, right?
why complain about a mediocre job...at least i have a job, right?
why muse the idea of a wedding registry...at least i have someone who loves me, right?
why talk about moving to a house....when apartment living saves so much personal responsibility?
why pay all my bills on time and never have fun? i could die tomorrow....and i'd rather die making a happy memory with someone i care about, then spend it writing out a check to freaking Iowa Student Loan.
i think that's why i like the TV series "Lost" so much. it's gives you a scenario where all those things i listed above DON'T MATTER. sometimes i wish i lived on a deserted island or a post-apocalyptic world so i wouldn't have to deal with the stupid petty things in life. sure, i'd have to hide from the smoke monster, and maybe get wounded every other day, but at least, life would be exciting! this doesn't mean i want something horrible to happen, believe me, that's NOT what i'm asking for. i just wish, for once, my biggest worry in life wasn't "staying within my budget" for the month, or my pant size, for that matter :) etc. (To people with kids, how the heck do you do it?)
maybe i'm selfish, or erratic, or unfocused, or too ungrateful.
the problem is, i have experienced, albeit briefly, culture changes. and i think the root of my whole dilemma here, is that while everything is FINE, and mostly stress-free, i will always know that it doesn't really matter. not to the homeless orphans in Nicaragua anyway.
it's funny; compared to some people whom i work with, that only work part time and yet have maids and nannies, i feel under privileged. i don't even have a full matching set of dishes! my furniture has holes and stains on it! oh, woe is me!
and then i remember...i remember the truth of how very, very okay my life is. and it's very, very, hard to live with. why? because being in the middle sucks. in the middle everything is "good enough" but there's always room for failure or improvement, and if the former happens, you don't have funds to bail yourself out. if i was dirt poor, well, that'd be my problem (and has been in the past) to try and fix. if i was super rich, i could throw money at people and say, "here, your troubles are over!" and not that i'm saying money buys happiness or something, but sometimes it's just easier to point the finger at those more ignorant and selfish than i. because yes, i probably could do more for the truly underprivileged out there. but the thing is, our existences are all a matter of perspective, right? the child who only knows hunger, is a tragedy, for sure. but so is the child who only knows greed and manipulation.
i don't want to be the latter. and i am certainly blessed, to not be the former.
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