today was not a good day. no good reason for it not to be good, but alas. there was lots of stress and drama at work. i came home, argued with my boyfriend about him having to work Easter weekend. a bit later i went to zumba, my usual wednesday night routine, (other than book club once a month), and despite it's usual mood altering endorphins- i wasn't feeling it tonight. as i was leaving the gym parking lot, i backed into another car. luckily no horrible damage was had, but after that i did not feel like going home and slaving over a hot stove. so i decided to Arby's it up, especially considering their new "good mood food" slogan, i thought it might help. well needless to say, on the less than 1 block trip home from getting my fast food i spilled soda all over the car and myself. brown, wet, sticky cola product.
what a shitty day. so i decided i would watch a sappy movie and cry it all out. "Marley & Me". i'm sure you've heard of it. well, i didn't make it to the end. yes i know what happens, but i just decided to stop the dvd 10 minutes before the inevitable sadness. call me a wuss, whatever. i decided it was good for me to have laughed almost the whole way through before that, and maybe that was really the type of catharsis i needed.
just yesterday i watched another sappy movie that i did finish, "P.S. I Love You", about a wife losing her husband at a young age, and how she deals with it and all the happy and sad aftermath of it all.
i don't know what my deal is but lately i've been consumed with the idea of loss. it can be something small, like losing my chapstick or socks in the dryer, or something big like losing a close relative. or something somewhere in the middle like losing a friend because of one reason or another. or perhaps a family home or place you love being destroyed by the elements.
and when life is good, sometimes empathy gets the best of us. a lot of the clientel where i work are elderly people. when they are filling out the paperwork before their appointment, probably 1 out of every 3 or 4 people will have to change their marital status to "widowed". i never expected that. i just never thought about the simple "status change" before. but even so, there have been a couple people who shared their stories and i got so choked up i had to excuse myself.
what do we do when the person we love the most isn't around anymore? what do we do when we can't contact our "emergency contact"?
i'm really not trying to be morbid, i just have no idea how some people move on with their lives after that. maybe at their age it's sad, but also just something to be expected. still, i can't imagine how i would cope, at any age.
loss happens. and it sucks. and i'm not so great at dealing with it.
usually when change in any shape or form comes, i don't just see it just as change but as a loss of the past whatever it is that the change is replacing. whether the change is a postive one or not.
currently at least 3 people i know and love have (or had) to move for some reason or the other. my parents are renovating their bathroom. one of my best friends is getting married (and will also will be moving eventually). i'm still getting used to all the quirks of my new job. another one of my best friends' parents' house burned down recently.
some of these things are good, some aren't. i think it goes without saying which is which. but while some of my friends have moved because they wanted to, another is being kicked out of their rental because the landlord is putting it on the market, and yet another is riveting from a broken relationship and has to start out on her own again.
it's funny how the same actions can have various causes and effects. it's funny how losing something can mean a fresh start but also means having to deal with the mess in the meantime.
after a day like today i don't really have any answers or antectodes other than just that. and also, since it is timely, that spring always follows winter. and i'm very glad for that. but sometimes, shit happens. and the best you can do is find someone you love, and lean on them for awhile. if only because you haven't lost them yet. and to me, that's worth being a little clingy for.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
going's on
tonight is one of those nights where i feel like i should blog...for various reasons.
1) i have the computer all to myself
2) i have no other obligations, &
3) every other day this week i've felt i've had something important to say.
but now all my recent happenings just seem like fleeting thoughts and hazy moments. it really is all about kairos, isn't it?
so now i will write about the concept of time and energy. and how its wierd that things seem so detrimental when i'm sleep deprived and hungry, but after a filling meal and some downtime with the boyfriend, i feel refreshed, and writing about it seems an afterthought.
nothing terrible has happened. nothing wonderful has happened. life seems to be- if only for a while- stable. and i feel content.
i've had both bad days and good in the past couple weeks. but without my usual angst about when i'll get the next "pink slip phone call", i don't know what to be worried about.
before you throw stones at my undying optimism & happiness (yeah right, by the way ;)), let me just say this. i was reading an article in a magazine the other day...4 authors were interviewed and asked the same 4 questions. one of the questions asked something to the effect of "what creates good writing?" or something like that. one of the authors answered (and i'm really, really paraphrasing here folks), "good writing is what happens when you speak truth. if you get caught up in what you think a normal person would write about, or what someone wants to hear, you lose passion and that's where the best writing comes from."
i've always believed that, but it was nice to hear a published author say it, right? nonetheless, i took great heart in this statement. sometimes i've spoken off the cuff and let it all hang out. other times i've written a sappy sonnet, or ended a post with "but that's okay, because, you know, i'm so blessed, blah blah blah." and while it may be true, it's not always the truth of how i feel, or how life is going at the time.
but now, i guess i just wanted to admit that while i have a history of talking about only bad things, or talking about only good things after feeling guilty about talking about all the bad things, i've decided to just speak the truth. how ironic, now, that the truth is mostly good things.
1) i have the computer all to myself
2) i have no other obligations, &
3) every other day this week i've felt i've had something important to say.
but now all my recent happenings just seem like fleeting thoughts and hazy moments. it really is all about kairos, isn't it?
so now i will write about the concept of time and energy. and how its wierd that things seem so detrimental when i'm sleep deprived and hungry, but after a filling meal and some downtime with the boyfriend, i feel refreshed, and writing about it seems an afterthought.
nothing terrible has happened. nothing wonderful has happened. life seems to be- if only for a while- stable. and i feel content.
i've had both bad days and good in the past couple weeks. but without my usual angst about when i'll get the next "pink slip phone call", i don't know what to be worried about.
before you throw stones at my undying optimism & happiness (yeah right, by the way ;)), let me just say this. i was reading an article in a magazine the other day...4 authors were interviewed and asked the same 4 questions. one of the questions asked something to the effect of "what creates good writing?" or something like that. one of the authors answered (and i'm really, really paraphrasing here folks), "good writing is what happens when you speak truth. if you get caught up in what you think a normal person would write about, or what someone wants to hear, you lose passion and that's where the best writing comes from."
i've always believed that, but it was nice to hear a published author say it, right? nonetheless, i took great heart in this statement. sometimes i've spoken off the cuff and let it all hang out. other times i've written a sappy sonnet, or ended a post with "but that's okay, because, you know, i'm so blessed, blah blah blah." and while it may be true, it's not always the truth of how i feel, or how life is going at the time.
but now, i guess i just wanted to admit that while i have a history of talking about only bad things, or talking about only good things after feeling guilty about talking about all the bad things, i've decided to just speak the truth. how ironic, now, that the truth is mostly good things.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
surreal-ness
i'm sitting at home in the middle of the day, but i'm not unemployed. what?
yes, it's true. one of the perks of my new job is that i get one afternoon off a week (due to working a little overtime during the rest of the week.) in actuality, it adds up to a 38 hour work week. not as good as 40 hours, but still, i can't complain.
so far my new job is going great! people are nice, work is more than tolerable, and today i celebrated my first paycheck by getting lunch at a place called "noodle zoo". it's like panera on crack, but includes different varieties of pasta as well as the soup/salad/sandwich deals, and is locally owned. so next time you're in des moines, friends, i'll treat. because i love you, and because i now can :)
yes, it's true. one of the perks of my new job is that i get one afternoon off a week (due to working a little overtime during the rest of the week.) in actuality, it adds up to a 38 hour work week. not as good as 40 hours, but still, i can't complain.
so far my new job is going great! people are nice, work is more than tolerable, and today i celebrated my first paycheck by getting lunch at a place called "noodle zoo". it's like panera on crack, but includes different varieties of pasta as well as the soup/salad/sandwich deals, and is locally owned. so next time you're in des moines, friends, i'll treat. because i love you, and because i now can :)
Monday, February 28, 2011
dreams (part two); knowing that they can come true
last friday afternoon i received very good news: i got the job! i will be working full-time with benefits (aka- no more being a temp!!!!) at an opthamology clinic. and the best part is, it's located right across the street from where i live!!
the past few days have been quite busy, with company, friends' birthday parties, etc. so it's taken some time for this good news to set in. it still seems quite surreal. this issue in my life has been so big and time consuming, that it feels as if i haven't yet woken up from a very good dream.
and speaking of dreams, mine have been non-stop lately. in reference to my last post, i thought that once i found out good news, i would be able to sleep peacefully. quite the contrary has happened though; now my angst is that of a small child in a candy store, and i cannot stop exclaiming about the wonderfulness that is surrounding me.
the other night, i had, among many, a wierd dream that stuck out to me. i realize i may lose some respect by admitting this, but i believe dreams do hold meaning, and someday would like to study dream psychology. i actually own a book called "10,000 Dreams Explained" by Pamela J. Ball, which is kind of like a dream "dictionary", of sorts.
the two things that stuck out most to me in this dream were the theme of hiding a key from the "bad people", and taking care of our pet whale at the end of the dream story. to explain a little further, the key was mine, and secret, and i had to keep it safe from harm. and at the end of the dream, my roomate had somehow acquired an orca (killer whale), that she had apparently purchased at Best Buy.
seems like a bunch of crazy dream nonsense right?
i'm here to argue quite the opposite. for instance, with the help of my dream dictionary i consulted the entries for "whale" and "key".
"KEY- A key can represent our need for liberation from a stressful situation and then the initiation of a positive spiritual move...."
"WHALE- as a mammal that lives within water, the whale symbolizes the power of resurrection and rebirth, and man's ability to surpass personal trauma."
now if that doesn't make sense of what is currently happening in my life, i don't know what does. i usually take the jargon in this book with a grain of salt; it's not like i let the art of fortune telling or astrology rule my life. but i'm here to say, don't take your dreams lightly. usually, you dream for a reason. even if you don't know what that reason is.
in the meantime, hopefully you will enjoy your dreams and no nightmares will come through! and praise Heaven for liberating me from the stressful situation of being a temp. although it's minor personal trauma, it's still traumatic none the less to deal with the instability, and tomorrow is the rebirth of my job-life. i'm so ready.
the past few days have been quite busy, with company, friends' birthday parties, etc. so it's taken some time for this good news to set in. it still seems quite surreal. this issue in my life has been so big and time consuming, that it feels as if i haven't yet woken up from a very good dream.
and speaking of dreams, mine have been non-stop lately. in reference to my last post, i thought that once i found out good news, i would be able to sleep peacefully. quite the contrary has happened though; now my angst is that of a small child in a candy store, and i cannot stop exclaiming about the wonderfulness that is surrounding me.
the other night, i had, among many, a wierd dream that stuck out to me. i realize i may lose some respect by admitting this, but i believe dreams do hold meaning, and someday would like to study dream psychology. i actually own a book called "10,000 Dreams Explained" by Pamela J. Ball, which is kind of like a dream "dictionary", of sorts.
the two things that stuck out most to me in this dream were the theme of hiding a key from the "bad people", and taking care of our pet whale at the end of the dream story. to explain a little further, the key was mine, and secret, and i had to keep it safe from harm. and at the end of the dream, my roomate had somehow acquired an orca (killer whale), that she had apparently purchased at Best Buy.
seems like a bunch of crazy dream nonsense right?
i'm here to argue quite the opposite. for instance, with the help of my dream dictionary i consulted the entries for "whale" and "key".
"KEY- A key can represent our need for liberation from a stressful situation and then the initiation of a positive spiritual move...."
"WHALE- as a mammal that lives within water, the whale symbolizes the power of resurrection and rebirth, and man's ability to surpass personal trauma."
now if that doesn't make sense of what is currently happening in my life, i don't know what does. i usually take the jargon in this book with a grain of salt; it's not like i let the art of fortune telling or astrology rule my life. but i'm here to say, don't take your dreams lightly. usually, you dream for a reason. even if you don't know what that reason is.
in the meantime, hopefully you will enjoy your dreams and no nightmares will come through! and praise Heaven for liberating me from the stressful situation of being a temp. although it's minor personal trauma, it's still traumatic none the less to deal with the instability, and tomorrow is the rebirth of my job-life. i'm so ready.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
dreams
lately i've had trouble sleeping. which, is usually a normal thing for me, however, since i started working out on a regular basis a few months ago, it's really helped my sleeping habits overall.
but, apparently not this week. it's not that i don't feel tired, but always in the afternoons. so i take a nap, which isn't always a long one, but i'm sure makes the cycle repeat itself. and my boyfriend/roomate is currently working 3rd shift, and even though we don't always sleep in the same bed, it's still disconcerting to know that he's not in the next room.
and then there's the whole job thing. waiting to hear back, wondering what will happen. applying for more jobs daily, but no more interviews as of yet. constantly wondering if this is going to be the time in my life where my situation changes for good, or if i'll have to suck it up and be a temp again.
and because of all this stress, i have dreams. sometimes these dreams are completely unrelated to my real life, but they still pester me and wake me up on an hourly basis.
sigh. hopefully i'll get a (non-temp) job offer soon and can sleep a good, full night's sleep. a sleep with the peace of knowing everything will be different and better this time around. it really, really needs to be.
but, apparently not this week. it's not that i don't feel tired, but always in the afternoons. so i take a nap, which isn't always a long one, but i'm sure makes the cycle repeat itself. and my boyfriend/roomate is currently working 3rd shift, and even though we don't always sleep in the same bed, it's still disconcerting to know that he's not in the next room.
and then there's the whole job thing. waiting to hear back, wondering what will happen. applying for more jobs daily, but no more interviews as of yet. constantly wondering if this is going to be the time in my life where my situation changes for good, or if i'll have to suck it up and be a temp again.
and because of all this stress, i have dreams. sometimes these dreams are completely unrelated to my real life, but they still pester me and wake me up on an hourly basis.
sigh. hopefully i'll get a (non-temp) job offer soon and can sleep a good, full night's sleep. a sleep with the peace of knowing everything will be different and better this time around. it really, really needs to be.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
good news!
i have 2 interviews scheduled for next week! one tomorrow, one on tuesday. and both are full-time, with benefits jobs, NOT through my temp agency!!
best case scenario, i get offered both jobs and even more interviews so i can actually feel like i'm choosing what i think is best, instead of taking what i can get. worst case scenario, i don't get offered either position. but the fact that people have actually responded to my applications and want to see me for an interview this soon after being unemployed again (2 weeks), compared to my hell of a summer (1 non-temp interview in 5 months!!) i consider myself blessed.
so wish me luck!
best case scenario, i get offered both jobs and even more interviews so i can actually feel like i'm choosing what i think is best, instead of taking what i can get. worst case scenario, i don't get offered either position. but the fact that people have actually responded to my applications and want to see me for an interview this soon after being unemployed again (2 weeks), compared to my hell of a summer (1 non-temp interview in 5 months!!) i consider myself blessed.
so wish me luck!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Hannah Hartford
is the name of one of the main characters in the lastest of my book club reads, entitled "The House at Riverton." i would recommend this British mystery novel to anyone. it's somewhat intimidating at first, being almost 500 pages, but once you're hooked, it's hard to put down. and it so much more than your basic mystery.
taking place in and around both WWI and WW2, i will admit there is a lot of death in this book. not violent gruesome death, just a lot of it. and there are also alot of secrets. i would say secrets are the main theme of this historical fiction read.
we had a lot to discuss in my book club tonight- and we got to talking about all the various characters; what role they played, whether we liked/identified with them, and so on. i found Hannah, the eldest of the 2 sisters in the story, to be the character i most identified with. it seems ironic- she's the daughter of a Lord and wants for nothing, and yet, her character wants for everything. she feels trapped, unfulfilled, and in a time where women shouldn't express themselves (much the less want anything more than a proper marriage and high society labels) she did not fit in with the typical women of the day.
she wanted adventure, she wanted to play games, keep and make secrets. she wanted to be free of her title and obligation, and not be tied down to a man she didn't really even love.
well, i suppose i can't identify with everything Hannah felt and went through, but i do empathize with the whole, "wanting adventure and freedom" aspect of her personality. i am lucky- i live in a time where a woman can express herself, can work for a living, and can even put a career ahead of making babies, if she so chooses. and yet i still feel trapped and unfulfilled, because neither is an option for me. or rather, neither seems to be an option at the present time. first of all, i'm nowhere close to being ready to start a family. and as far as the whole working thing goes, i'm not even sure i'm cut out to actually have a career...or that i even want one. or that i even know what i want. at least not yet.
a conclusion we came to in our book club about Hannah, was that she too, had that problem. she was only unfufilled because she didn't exactly know what she wanted...other than, to not be bored with silly tasks around the house.
i feel the same way. i just had an adventure in a beautiful place, many states away. i'm so grateful for this experience. and yet, unfortunately, i'm now left with the question of what my next adventure will be. job searching certainly doesn't do it for me. and yet that seems to be my constant disease, plaguing me ever so many months...or weeks. something i have to do, but something i don't want to do.
a friend recently told me how she & her sister were actually drawing up business plans together to open up a childrens' book store. <-- see, that's what i want. not exactly that, but something, somewhere or place i can make my imprint on for years to come. something i'm not ashamed of, something i'm actually proud to tell people. its not entirely a self-image thing, and i know plans like that take time to come into fruition, but at least for them, they are real, tangible plans.
maybe i just need a plan. the problem is, i need money to back up my plan. but i'd rather just go to california. and africa. and italy.....you get the picture.
growing up, i always thought i would die young. this memorable, tragic, romantic death, simply because i was young and therefore wouldn't have to figure out all this adult stuff. i don't say that to sound morbid or lazy, but i sometimes still think that. maybe i was never meant to be a "grown-up", in the typical sense of the word.
p.s.- Hannah died before the age of 30. just saying ;)
taking place in and around both WWI and WW2, i will admit there is a lot of death in this book. not violent gruesome death, just a lot of it. and there are also alot of secrets. i would say secrets are the main theme of this historical fiction read.
we had a lot to discuss in my book club tonight- and we got to talking about all the various characters; what role they played, whether we liked/identified with them, and so on. i found Hannah, the eldest of the 2 sisters in the story, to be the character i most identified with. it seems ironic- she's the daughter of a Lord and wants for nothing, and yet, her character wants for everything. she feels trapped, unfulfilled, and in a time where women shouldn't express themselves (much the less want anything more than a proper marriage and high society labels) she did not fit in with the typical women of the day.
she wanted adventure, she wanted to play games, keep and make secrets. she wanted to be free of her title and obligation, and not be tied down to a man she didn't really even love.
well, i suppose i can't identify with everything Hannah felt and went through, but i do empathize with the whole, "wanting adventure and freedom" aspect of her personality. i am lucky- i live in a time where a woman can express herself, can work for a living, and can even put a career ahead of making babies, if she so chooses. and yet i still feel trapped and unfulfilled, because neither is an option for me. or rather, neither seems to be an option at the present time. first of all, i'm nowhere close to being ready to start a family. and as far as the whole working thing goes, i'm not even sure i'm cut out to actually have a career...or that i even want one. or that i even know what i want. at least not yet.
a conclusion we came to in our book club about Hannah, was that she too, had that problem. she was only unfufilled because she didn't exactly know what she wanted...other than, to not be bored with silly tasks around the house.
i feel the same way. i just had an adventure in a beautiful place, many states away. i'm so grateful for this experience. and yet, unfortunately, i'm now left with the question of what my next adventure will be. job searching certainly doesn't do it for me. and yet that seems to be my constant disease, plaguing me ever so many months...or weeks. something i have to do, but something i don't want to do.
a friend recently told me how she & her sister were actually drawing up business plans together to open up a childrens' book store. <-- see, that's what i want. not exactly that, but something, somewhere or place i can make my imprint on for years to come. something i'm not ashamed of, something i'm actually proud to tell people. its not entirely a self-image thing, and i know plans like that take time to come into fruition, but at least for them, they are real, tangible plans.
maybe i just need a plan. the problem is, i need money to back up my plan. but i'd rather just go to california. and africa. and italy.....you get the picture.
growing up, i always thought i would die young. this memorable, tragic, romantic death, simply because i was young and therefore wouldn't have to figure out all this adult stuff. i don't say that to sound morbid or lazy, but i sometimes still think that. maybe i was never meant to be a "grown-up", in the typical sense of the word.
p.s.- Hannah died before the age of 30. just saying ;)
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