change is in the air

fall has always been a season for change, both literally and figuratively.  and this year, I've been feeling it more than ever.

i suppose it started this summer, when i turned 30.  as tentative as i was about entering a new decade in my life, officially being able to say "i'm in my 30's", and all the societal expectations that comes with it, i never expected certain things to happen.

and the biggest thing i never expected to happen this year, was to become a homeowner.  and now that jesse and i are officially 3 days from closing on our house, it seems more surreal than ever.

every time i blog (which is now more few and far between than ever) i have to chuckle at the last blog post i had written and how in a few weeks or months i am in such a different state of mind than i was before.  for instance, in my last post i was complaining about money and feeling poor.  and the fact that we're buying a house seems like such a disconnect, even if part of the reason we are doing so is to save money in the long run.

so no i'm not any richer.  but these last few months have made me wiser. and my relationship with jesse has become even stronger.   sometimes it takes a huge change, scary or exciting as it may be, to realize how grateful you are for what you have.

this has also been a weird year due to the fact that some of my favorite tv series are over forever!  for example, "Breaking Bad", "Dexter", and of course "What Not to Wear."  this evening i watched my recording of the WNTW season/series finale.  and during the final show recaps, hearing the wonderful things said by the hosts, and contestants, and other fans such as myself, i got all choked up.  and as the tears filled my eyes, i said out loud, "wow, I am such a pathetic loser!" and jesse in his lovingly teasing way concurred.  and as i let a few tears fall i realized, just as that wonderful TLC show was never really about clothes (okay it was a little bit about clothes) but mostly about building women's confidence and self-esteem, and in the same way my emotional response wasn't really about the end of a tv show, but about the end of a phase of my life.

when a big change comes, even if it's moving on to bigger and better things, it still means saying goodbye to a part of your existence.  and if that part of your existence happened to be full of wonderful moments, it's hard to let go.

for the past 7 years i've lived with jesse in this apartment. (the one small move we had didn't count since the apartment was the exact same layout, just bigger and the same general west des moines location).  and 7 years is a long time.  not only have we learned so much about each other but we've learned so much about ourselves.  i started my adulthood in these apartments.  these walls have seen a thousand tears; they've heard a million laughs.  they've answered a hundred questions that usually start with "what do i do now?", including our next move.

there's always a trade off when change happens.  in this case, as it should be, the pros out weigh the cons. but saying hello to more bedrooms means saying goodbye to my huge walk-in closet.  saying hello to a beautiful yard means saying goodbye to free lawn care and snow removal.  saying hello to painting the walls any color i want and having new stainless steel appliances also means saying goodbye to free repairs and maintenance done by somebody else.

and another series of questions arises in my head as well: what happens next? does getting a house mean we have to start having babies and staying at home more because we can't afford to go out and take trips?  does this new step in life intrinsically move me 5 boxes forward in the game of life? are we ready for this? am i?

seven years ago as a recent college grad, besides getting a job in my major field, i was concerned about going shopping for new clothes every weekend, learning new moves in the bedroom, and hanging out with my friends as often as possible. the former few concerns aren't at the forefront of my mind these days, but the latter one remains true.  and sometimes, when people "move on" or "settle down" all it means is that they move off the grid. and sometimes, that's okay. but so much of my life i've defined who i am as a person by how many people are surrounding me at the time.  things change when you're surrounded by mainly one person for a long period of time and you have to decide, is it worth 7 more years, or 77 more?  would i move across the globe with this person? will we still love each other when something in our beautiful new house breaks and we have to sacrifice means to fix it? will we let the fate of our own parents and grandparents determine our own?

common law says we're married; society doesn't. in fact our realtor on more than one occasion has asked, "when's the wedding?"  so what do i say?  i say that buying a house together (aka committing at least the next 30 years of our life together) is a pretty big step forward.  we may never fit into a certain mold, but we fit with each other.  i don't have any regrets about the past 7 years.  and i'm so thrilled, so blessed, to share a life with someone who loves me the way he does. because that's what truly makes a house a home, wherever you may dwell.